Don Knotts: Memories of Bumbling

One of my favorite comedic actors from childhood has passed away, and it's put me into a very somber mood. Don Knotts died this weekend at the age of 81, and there's not much more to say about that part of it.

I'm not going to attempt to write an obituary, or to sum up his career in the appropriate alloted time. I'm not that type of writer. I consider myself to be a comedic writer, and so the best way I can think of to pay my respects to Don would be to focus on how he was able to make me laugh.

-The Andy Griffith Show (1960-68)

We've all seen this show, at least once. This black and white 60's show about a perfect town where nobody swears, sins, or has group sex capivated audiences for years, with one of the best known characters being the bumbling deputy Barney Fife, played by Don Knotts. This show helped Don achieve fame, and it is probably his most well-known role. I'm sure he'll be remembered most from here.

-The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964)

You might not have seen this movie, but I did and I loved it. It's a movie about a guy who turns into a fish and works for the Navy to help out submarines. Not just a fish, mind you...a cartoon fish. He was the first overly patriotic cartoon fish working for the Navy ever, and that's saying something.

-The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966)

One of my favorites. I used to watch this movie all of the time...it was scary and funny and even a little bit sexy. In my opinion, this was one of Don Knotts' best performances. Every scene cracked me up, and I can remember the movie like I just watched it yesterday. It's a movie about a nice quiet town with a dark past: A haunted house where a murder occured. Don Knotts (Mr. Chicken) is a wannabe journalist who is desperate to make his big break. He's so desperate, in fact, that he takes a dare to spend one night in the haunted house and report back to his editor. He takes the job and wackiness ensues. Nobody has ever made me laugh so hard from being so scared. Classic stuff, this movie. Check it out sometime.

-The Shakiest Gun in the West (1968)

Another movie you might not have seen...Don plays a dentist heading west to help "fight oral ignorance". Along the way, he meets up with a gun-weilding bad girl on a mission from the government to stop a bunch of....you know, nevermind. The plot isn't imporant. Just know that Don Knotts is funny, and he's the best dentist-turned-gunfighter around. Another great movie that makes me smile to think of.

-The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975)

Ok, if you haven't seen this movie, there is no comedic hope for you. I grew up watching this movie at least once per week for 27 years. Ok, maybe not that long...but a long time. I loved this movie, and I loved the characters that Don Knotts and Tim Conway played. This comedic duo of belly laughing fun played Amos and Theodore...a couple of would-be thieves with enough brains each to fill a tablespoon. Every single plan they attempted failed miserably, and yet they kept trying. Watching them together made for great entertainment and chuckles galore. Sers'ly, go see this movie. If you don't laugh at least once I'll pay you a dollar.

Ok, that's not true. I don't have any money. But it's still a funny movie and you should see it.

-Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (1977)

We all know the Herbie movies...we all watched them. This one wasn't the best one I've ever seen, but it was a good one nonetheless. Don plays the (you guessed it) bumbling mechanic for Herbie and hilarity ensued. The movie was ok...but Don was funny as always.

-The Private Eyes (1978)

Ah, the year of my birth. This movie is another one that I bet you've never seen or even heard of. That's a damn shame, really. This movie teamed up Don with Tim Conway yet again. This time they are a pair of incompetent and funny Private Detectives working a case of murder in a rich, scary mansion setting. There's lots of hilarious and sometimes scary moments to keep you entertained. I personally loved this movie and watched it often...so often, I still remember certain scenes and quotes from it. Bow down, bitches.

-Three's Company (1979)

Ah, who can forget the television show that proved that a man can live with two sexy women and not have any group bunny. I didn't think this was possible, but apparantly nobody was having sex in the late 70's. I'm sorry, but if I lived with 2 hot girls there is no way that I wouldn't get a little sandwhich action going within the first month of living there...let alone 7 friggin' years.

But I digress. Don Knotts jumped back into television with his role as Mr. Furley, the landlord with swinger spunk who popped in and made things funny whenever he could. He was WAY better than that other couple who used to play the landlords...way better. Don't you agree? Yes you do. Now go bake me muffins.

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Well, that's it. That's my little "Ode to Don Knotts" rememberance post. As you can see, I was a big fan and I'm quite upset that he has passed on and left us. But, just thinking about all of these movies has put a smile on my face...and I'm sure that's what he would have preferred.

We'll miss you, Don. Keep up with the funny wherever you are.

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Don Knotts 1924-2006

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See some CNN video clips of Don Knotts here

Blah

I am very ho-hum today. I don't feel like working (which is good, since I don't have much work to do, anyway) and I don't feel like surfing the web. I don't feel like playing chess and I don't want to read my book. Even Omi is sitting the corner, playing with a pile of dust.

It's a very boring day here.

It's one of those days, when I keep looking at the clock hoping it's almost time for lunch only to find that it's only 9:00 in the...oh fuck it's only 9:00 in the morning?!?! Crappy crappy shit crap dammit!!!!! I thought it was later than that.

Shit.

Well, that just proves my point further. This day blows. If I didn't have so many effing meetings this afternoon, I'd leave at lunch. Instead, I'm forced to sit here in this cubicle hell with nothing to keep me occupied except my belief that someday, I'll be doing a job that doesn't require me to invent little plastic ninja pals to keep my sanity.

No offense, Omi. You know you're my dawg.

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I do have fun news, though. I got a new car this week. Wednesday, actually. I'm very excited about it...it's my 2nd brand-new car ever and it rocks.

I went with the new 2006 Civic sedan, and so far I'm very much excited about my desicion. The car is tons of fun to drive...like Omi on crack, or something. It just has so much pickup and energy, it's wild. Like a little silver stallion running from the glue factory. Quick like the wind.

Check out that interior display glow! A purple haze of new car delight. It's very sexy. I wanted to have sex with it last night, but thought better of it at the last minute. Barely.

Even the steering wheel is swanky, sexy, futuristic fun for the whole family.

Check out that ass. My milkshake is better than yours...

Look at that...just inviting you in. Like a sexy temptress of Babylon adding flowers to her bed. Makes you want to slide in and have fun, doesn't it? Yeah, you know you want it. You know you do.

So that's my new car. I'm having a hard time coming up with a name for it, though. At this point, I'm not even sure if my car is a girl auto or a boy auto. My last car was a boy. He was a black 2003 Civic LX named Dante. He was good to me, and I miss him. I think this new car is a girl, but I can't be sure yet.

Do you think this is a girl car or a boy car? Any good name suggestions?

Anyway. Post lots of comments today because I'm bored and need something to do. Happy Friday, and don't warn the tadpoles.

Office Supply Wednesday!!!

O.S.W.


I'm sure you haven't forgotten Omi, my little office supply ninja. He's kept himself busy this past week, defending my office supplies and fighting evil.



Normally, Omi prefers to keep himself hidden so he may strike his foes at will. Sometimes he just likes to play games. See if you can spot him in this picture:



Sometimes, Omi chooses more advanced modes of concealment. Like all ninja, Omi has the ability to blend into his environment, like the chameleon. This allows him the opportunity to destroy enemies with stealth.



Hiding doesn't always benefit Omi. In certain cases, battle is necessary. I've managed to document such an occasion, in which our hero was forced to do have a wu dai ninja showdown with a pair of nasty spiders. In the end, Omi walked away with a new pair of silk pajamas and 16 walking sticks.



After a long day's work, Omi must rest. I tried to give him a comfy pillow, but he refused. He insisted that a true warrior must live a Spartan existence. He ended up choosing the post-it pad. Be careful not to call him cute to his face...he might ninja-kick you. In the face.



Omi understands the benefit of having fun, and so he takes time out to enjoy himself. He's recently taken to enjoying my new iPod.



Happy OSW! Until next week, keep your erasers and pencils protected.

Random Stuff

Doggie Go Bye-Bye!!

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Thanks to Pizzle

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Sexy Shanshu: According to this quiz, Shanshu is an adj. that means "sexually stunning". Bow down, bitches! Shanshu is in the sexy house!

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Gratuituous Gratitude: This morning on the elevator, a woman stepped off, I stayed on. As she left she turned to me, smiled, and said "thank you!" and then she walked off. I stood there, stunned and confused. The look on my face must have been priceless. I'm still confused by it. What the heck was that about?

Confusing Comments: For some reason, my blog comments are doing strange things. I replied to a comment, and somehow it posted before the comment I was replying to. WTF?!

Tuesday Funny: Ok, you have to have sound to get the full humor of this site. I'm not sure why I find this so funny, but I do.

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People We Should Destroy

1. Hands-Free Cell Phone Users Who Are Not in the Car: Are these people effing kidding me? Do they really think they are so cool, that they constantly need both hands to gesture while they gab away on their mobile brain cancer inducing telecommunications devices? Please. Everybody I see using one of these, is usually doing something that does not require the use of both limbs. For instance...sitting outside smoking, walking down the hallway, even sitting on their couch. Yes, I've seen somebody do this. Their phone rang, and they picked up their cute little hands-free device, and then they put it into their ear, and then they answered the phone. These people truly blow me away with their laziness.
2. One-Floor Elevator Riders: Seriously, these people annoy me beyond the telling of it. They make me want to punch things until the rage goes away, and that is not just colorful imaging I'm using. These bastards that get onto the elevator at the first floor, only to exit on the second floor...oh dear Lord they should be destroyed. With fire. Twice. I hate them more than hands-free cell phone users who aren't in the car. I know that some people have some legitimate reasons for riding the elevator for only one floor: bad knees, back pain, missing toes. Those people are ok...but the rest of the people are just fat, lazy bastards with no self-confidence and a lack of courtesy. I have to ride the elevator because I'm on the top floor of my building...these punks who are on the 2nd floor have NO right to ever step foot into my elevator unless they are dragging a gimp leg behind themselves. They reek of lame.
3. Oblivious Office Talkers: Somebody please kick a fork into my head. These people annoy me so much, I've debated what it would be like to burn my ears off so I don't have to listen to them anymore. They seem to have no idea that the people around them hate their stupid guts with a fiery passion that consumes all. They walk into your office and start (without segue way of any kind) to ramble on about whatever pops into thier stupid brains at that exact moment in time. It doesn't matter if you're on the phone, typing up a spreadsheet, or performing open-heart surgery. These bastards who think you like them will come bother you whenever they feel like it to let you know that they spent the weekend building a new entertainment center. I actually had a guy here at my office come into my cubicle, see that I was on the phone, and ask "Are you going to be long?". Since it was a personal call and was not important, I got off the phone and turned to my colleague to see what the situation was. The idiot then proceeded to tell me about the new computer he was thinking of buying later that week. I almost choked him, I swear on everything holy, I did.
4. Slow Drivers: I can't say enough bad things about these people. They suck.
5. People Who Think the Harry Potter Books Are Evil: So lame, they limp. I hate these people. They have nothing better to do all day, than to point fingers at everything that doesn't revolve around the church and label it as Satanist propaganda. Like JK Rowling is a demon straight from hell, sent to earth to lead us astray, or something? Please. This is just stupid. Apparently, if a book isn't about Jesus or people who believe in Jesus, it's an evil piece of literature that should be destroyed in the fire from whence it came. Excuse me while I go flog myself. I bet these idiots don't drink Mountain Dew because the word 'demon' can be spelled using the letters: Mountain Dew.
6. The Guy Who Empties my Trash: Ok, I'm not sure if he deserves to be destroyed or not, but whenever he comes in to empty my trash he always moves my trash can to a place far away from where it was, before. I have to put it back to its proper place everyday, and it bugs me.
7. People Who Are afraid of Catching The Gay From Brokeback Mountain: Just go see the movie, you freak. It's not going to make you a homosexual, I promise. Only watching Oprah does that. Ask Pizzle.
8. Spammers: All spammers must die, and I know that you all agree with me. Let's grab some pitchforks, brandish some torches, and head to their houses. No court would convict us...unless the judge is a 1-floor elevator rider. Then we're screwed.

Office Supply Wednesday and Orange Ninjas

Happy OSW!

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I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to my new office-mate. His name is Omi, and he's my special buddy. He has lightning quick reflexes and a desire to do good. He's kind and gentle, and only attacks when he needs to. I've decided to let him rule over my cubicle, in order to keep the other office supplies in line, and of course to stop the invading Dust Armies of Scourge. As long as Omi has got my back, nothing can harm me while I'm sleeping at work.

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Omi wields the all-powerful Nano-Shurikens of Doom, the dreaded slayers of Dust!

Omi maintains lookout over his domain with constant vigilance.

Omi is a master of all office supplies, and can use them with ease.

Like all ninja, Omi prefers to lurk in the shadows where he can become neigh invisible. See if you can spot him in this picture:

Too late! Omi has already snuck up on you.

I Heart Fermented Hops

So...I forgot to tell my faithful yet fewer readers about the fact that I would be going out of town for a brief amount of time. I have been gone since last Thursday, and today is my first day back in the real world. Sorry about the lack of love. I'll make it up to you with tales of...stuff.

I was at the 2006 International Mead Festival that's held in Boulder, CO every year. It's a chance for people like me to take a few days off work to enjoy the mountains and fresh air while sipping tasty meads that push me into a honey-wine induced stupor which tends to last for hours. It's also the time when lots of dirty hippies and freaks show up to pretend like they're cool for the weekend.

Seriously...the freaks were out in force. I even think they had decoder rings to help recognize each other, in case the flowing capes and goth makeup didn't give it away.

Now, I'm all for people being themselves, and doing what makes them happy. We've all got quirks and we're all nerds at heart, in some way or another. I do draw the line, however, at things that lean towards the crazy.

Example: Telling anybody within earshot about the spell you put on yourself earlier which allows you to drink without guilt.

Example: Taking turns drinking your friend's blood in a wannabe vampire way outside the tasting room for all to see.

Example: Wearing anything felt.

Just a few examples of the freaks, and why they bugged me this weekend. They didn't ruin my good time, or anything. I just knew they were there, and it annoyed me. Like that bug bite you have on the back of your leg. You don't want to pay attention to it, because then you'd have to scratch at it, and it will just get more annoying later on. It's better to just ignore it, and hope it goes away on it's own.

Anyhoo. Here's a quick list of things I learned this weekend:

• Polish mead is so good, it should be illegal.
• Living in a dry state sucks. I can't have any of the mead I sampled shipped to me, so what's the point?
• You can't ferment hops, no matter how hard you try.
• Breathing in the smell of a room full of fresh pepermint is almost like getting stoned.
• Drinking blood is the next logical step, after drinking mead.
• Boneless Buffallo wings are good for breakfast when you're in a pinch.
• Orange ninjas are just as cool as black ones.
• No matter how the conversation began, you can always conclude it with a phrase relating to butt sex and have it make sense.
• I can eat Elk without getting sick.
• It rains in Seattle.
• Felt is the new cotton.
• Having a margaritta after a day of mead tasting leads to the wacky, but it still won't help get you butt sex.

The Department of Redundancy Department

From CNN: The British man whose American wife and baby were found shot to death last month in Massachusetts has been arrested in England and charged with murder, officials say. Neil Entwistle is charged with two counts of murder, one count of illegal possession of a firearm and one count of illegal possession of ammunition, says Melissa Sherman of the Middlesex district attorney's office. Autopsy results showed the mother died of a gunshot wound to the head and the baby died of a gunshot to the stomach.

Ok, now I know that England is notorious for doing things by the book; it's what they're famous for. They won't let you wipe unless you've filled out the proper forms. When I was traveling around Europe, England was one of the few places I visited whose Passport Office actually questioned me to be sure I wasn't a terrorist. They are sticklers for the rules, and I think that's peachy.

However...sometimes I think they take things too far. For instance, take Mr. Soon-to-be-living-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain-murderer (alleged) up there in the article snippet I attached. He's charged with the horrible crime of killing his wife and his baby. It's horrible, it's awful. Double Murder charge...pretty intense. Then you have the other charges of illegal possession of a firearm and illegal possession of ammunition.

Now, I'm no lawyer...but I think the double murder charge has a bit more bite to it...so I would think you would tend to focus on that, instead of the "you shouldn't be carrying a gun" rule. I mean, seriously. Do you think this guy gives two shits about the weapons charge? He's charged with murdering his wife and small baby...who gives a fuck about the fact he had an illegal gun?

That's like charging a man suspected of burning down an orphanage with illegal carrying of matches.

The whole thing just seems a tad redundant to me. You've already charged him with a double murder... which most likely will lead to a death penalty, or something. The weapons charge is just silly, at that point.

British Officer: Right, then. You've been sentanced to death for the murder of your loving wife and small child. Death proceedings shall commence at the top of the hour.
Neil Entwistle: Yes, I understand. I'm ready to face my judgement.
British Officer: Quite right, yes. Good chap! Now, will you be so kind as to sign this?
Neil Entwistle: What is this, then?
British Officer: Ah, it's nothing. Just a triffle, really. But this is the weapons charge you had. You have to sign it so we can sentance you accordingly.
Neil Entwistle: Sentance me? To what?
British Officer: That would be 30 days in jail.
Neil Entwistle: But...but you're going to kill me in one hour! How am I going to serve the other sentance?
British Officer: Oh, yes. Well...you see, we've decided the best way to handle this, is to keep your body in your cell after you're dead. Then you can serve your 30 day sentance and be on your way.
Neil Entwistle: But I'll be dead!
British Officer: Yes, well you had that coming to you , didn't you? Sign here.

Cumpleanos Post

Ok, so I'm missing an accent mark over the N in my title. Well, that's because Blogger doesn't care about Spanish people.

Sigh.

Anyway, I thought I'd post some of the commercials from the Super Bowl that I thought were funny. There are more than this, of course...and these aren't even all of my favorites...but these were the only ones I could find online, suprisingly enough. I'm sure the rest are out there, but I'm not going to take the time to look for them. Check them out, if you haven't seen them, or want to laugh a second time.

This one for Godaddy.com didn't make it to the SuperBowl, since the stupid Nazi censors this year decided it was "too racy". Whatever.

Hope you enjoy the commercials a second time. I think my favorite is the FedEx one...but the more I see the Emerald Nuts ad, the more I like it. I dunno...I'm torn.

Today is my birthday. I rule. Send me presents, or at the very least some boobie pics to my email. Check my profile for the addy. Oh, and you'd better give me props in the comments section, bitches. Today is my day.

I just noticed that I have over 20,000 hits to my blog. Weird. I guess I don't entirely suck ass through a tube...maybe I should do a dance.

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I did a dance.

I guess most of you found the drunk post to be lacking in the entertainment department. Well, that's ok. I can't promise that I won't get drunk again someday...but I can promise that I won't blog while drunk. I don't want to get arrested for a BUI or anything.

Ok that was the lamest joke I've ever made in my entire effing life. Somebody please publicly rebuke me. Cripes.

I'm going away now.

Drunk Post!

Hello! WElcome to SHanshus drunk post. I'm not goin gto edit this post, or spell check, or even re-tupe things I mess up spelling because I'm not sober. I'm going to give you Shanshu uncensored...not that I ever censor myself, but nonethelss I'm going to give you waht you want.

Not that you wanted a drunk post. But you have no choice. YOu're reading this anyway so I win.

So...hi. How are you? I hope you're doing well. It's really hard to type when you're drunk, I've noticed. I keep going back and re-reading studff and realize that wow I need to use spellcheck. My fingers feel too fat for this lame keyboard.

It really is small. It's the keyboard Dell sent me, and it's lame. It sucks beyond word.s Small keys and small everything. I feel like Andre the giant trying to do needlepoint. It's bad. Like...Arnold Schwartzeneggereeresr playing a dramatic role bad. I need a new one. Thankfully, my birthdya is coming up in a few days so maybe I'll get lucky and get a new one.

Maybe,

I like pretzles.

I got a haircut today and I look really sexy. Jen said so, so it must be true. Too bad there are no girls over here tonight because it's a group-bunny type of situation, waiting to happen.

Group bunny is fun. That's a euoophanism for sex. With other people. In the same room. SEx is cool.

I miss Hulk Hogan. Why isn't he wrestling anymore? I remember the days when he wrestled the Iron Sheik and whipped his ass for all the trailers and young kids to see. That was back when the USA hated all the people with non-Christian views. Of couse, things haven't changed much but at least now we don't come out openly and say it.

Politics sucks. Religious persecution sucks. Oprah sucks. Pizzle watches Oprah...but he doesn't suck. I think he does it to get chicks. Chicks like Drunk Girl or HMH. I might see HMH next year when I travel to Europe again. I miss Europe. It's pretty there, even though the sun NEVER comes out.

Lame.

Ok I'm going ot go do something elshe now. I hope you're all doing well and I hope you enjoyed my drunk post. Just be glad you're not an ex-girlfriend, because I would probably be drunk-dialing you right now, if you were.

Hugs and kisses,
Shanshu

Best Headlines from 2005

This was sent to me in an email forward. I'm not sure if these are actual headlines from newspapers across the country in 2005, but if they are....they are hilarious! If not, they are still funny. I added some personal insights...

Best Headlines From 2005:

Crack Found on Governer's Daughter

*snigger*

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Duh...

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Seems a bit extreme to me.

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Too easy. I'm not commenting on this one.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Now, that is work dedication.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Lazy bastards!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Well, if all else fails...

War Dims Hope for Peace

Isn't that the whole point?

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.

*gasp*

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Really? That's as lame as water leads to wet.

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

That seems like a stretch to me.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Doesn't seem very safe to me.

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

Puns are nobody's friend.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

At least he's man enough to own up to his bodily functions.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

I wonder what the penalty for skipping class is?

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Those are some tall doctors.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I bet they're all dead.

Why People Kill Other People:

Because they fucking deserve it.

-The End














You want more elaboration, do you? I can expand on this topic, if you wish. Before I begin, I will need you to do something to facilitate the story-telling process. I will need you to close your eyes for a moment, and picture yourself in morning gridlock traffic from hell. You know, lots of cars and honking and people cutting you off. Lots of mufflers ejaculating their dirty, unwanted exhaust all over your hood in a very degrading yet constant manner. Lots of braking and accelerating, and braking and accelerating, over and over again in a repetitive vicious circle of perpetual torment that makes your head feel like it’s going to explode.

Go ahead, picture it. Take your time. I’ve already written this, so you’re not keeping me waiting, or anything. Sers’ly, whenever you're ready.

… … …

Done? Ok, good. Now we can move on to the telling of my little story. This morning on the way to work was not much different than any other day. There were lots of cars and lots of traffic and lots of waiting around for my turn to drive. There were plenty of stoplights that seemed to wait at least 2 minutes longer to change to green, when I was waiting for them. There were also lots of slow drivers who were radio-dispatched to my location by some omnipotent traffic demigod whom I seem to have insulted at some point in my short but generously fulfilled group-bunny sex life. There were curses and there was fist-shaking, and most people seemed to have a “all for nobody and one for me” philosophy attached to their driving procedure.

It was a normal high-traffic morning.

One thing caught my attention, however. The minivan mom in front of me, who had no kids in the car but drove slow enough to convince you that she might be transporting precious breakables, started to slow down on a major road for apparently no reason whatsoever.

Blood begins to warm.

She then braked completely in the middle of the road, to a dead stop. I slammed on my breaks and frantically began looking around for the wayward child you must have run haphazardly into the street to cause such a random stop in traffic…but to no avail. There was no child, dog, cat, baby, old person, bowling ball, or chicken present anywhere near us. It seemed that the minivan mom had stopped for her own reasons.

Blood begins to steam and agitate.

While I recovered from my near rear-end collision with the crazy braking woman of pain in front of me, I saw her start to wave her hand. Was she waving at me? Was there something on my face? Was she using some sort of code to tell me that she was sorry for ruining my morning commute? What? What was she doing? And then I saw it.

She was waving in the cars waiting on the side street, so they could merge in front of her and join the rest of us in our quest to journey to work.

Blood begins to boil.

Sonofabitch. This evil demon woman regurgitated from the depths of Hades stopped the flow of traffic on a congested, busy street in order to let in other cars who were waiting for their turn on a side street, for no reason. I felt my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as I grinded my teeth and tried with all of my heart to refrain myself from jumping out of the car and pounding on her window in an effort to battle the evil that must have been present within. The cars behind me were honking and shaking their fists, and I began to feel their hatred, which I knew had the power to destroy the weak who were foolish enough to try and combat it.

Then, after she let in 3 waiting cars, she took her clawed foot off of the brake, and began once more to drive forward. The cars behind me stopped honking, and I slowly proceeded forward as I tried to calm myself with deep breaths and calming thoughts:

Maybe she was just being nice; doing her good deed for the day. Maybe she knew what it was like to wait in line like that, on a side street during morning rush-hour. She’s affected by this, the same as the rest of us.

Blood begins to cool down.

She now has to wait longer to get to work, like I do…and those people got a chance to travel. It’s ok, enhance your calm. Enhance your calm…we’re all in this, together. Just breathe and enhance…WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING NOW?!

I shook my head in disbelief at what was unfolding in front of me. This woman had stopped traffic for about 30 seconds while she let in not one, not two…but three cars into her lane. She had endangered the lives of the cars behind her, and she had royally pissed me off. Now she had the balls to turn off the road and head for the highway a mere 5 seconds after she let all of those cars in.

Blood begins to rapidly boil again!

I couldn’t believe it. After all of that? After the waiting and the merging and the waving cars in, she simply changed lanes and merged onto the highway, leaving the rest of us to deal with the congestion and extra cars that she had created in her wake. She was a hurricane of destruction and pain; she was the anti-Christ of motor vehicles. She was a demon. Evil is real, kids.

And THAT is why people kill other people: Because they fucking deserve it.

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy OSW!

This is what I do to amuse myself while I'm at work, on the slow days. Or the days when I don't feel like working, much. Or the days when I'm bored. Or anytime throughout the course of the week, in which I find myself unable to concentrate on spreadsheets and databases and other lame work-related things.

Yes, it's a book. No, there's not porn in it.

Frandom

Friday+Random=Frandom. It's something I'm going to try out today, because I'm in a random mood, today. I hope you like it. Actually, I don't care if you like it...just read it.

• Somebody sent me a link to this site, which I found immensely funny, for some reason. I spent loads of time there, reading those facts and laughing at my desk. I even wrote some of my own, and submitted them. Stuff like "Chuck Norris slept with your girlfriend...today." and "The answer to life, the universe, and everything is 42 roundhouse kicks from Chuck Norris". They pretty much write themselves, though. Go ahead...try one.
• I found this picture online while looking for a new hentai profile pic for Jen. I'm not sure what the heck it is, but apparently the chick who designed it is a pretty popular 3D artist in Europe.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.
• My girlfriend and I have pet-names for each other, as most couples do. As it turns out, one of them is also the name of an obscure city in Japan. How random is that? And no, I will not tell you what it is.
• The best way to make a robe of serenity is to combine boxer shorts with a cloak of evasion.
• "Los Lobos kick your ass. Los Lobos kick your face. Los Lobos kick your balls into outer space!"
• I'll give you +10 group bunny points, if you know which movie that quote is from. No cheating. Chuck Norris will know, and he'll tell me. Then he'll roundhouse kick you in the face.
• My favorite Girl Scout cookies are Thin Mints. Those things are like chocolate covered crack, to me. I can't seem to stop eating them. Has anybody ever done research on these cookies? I mean, it's like they're addictive or something. Maybe they put something in them...you know, like the same stuff they put into the KFC recipe.
• I'm planning on having a Chinese veggie stir-fry for lunch today and I'm so excited about it, I could die. I could die, because it's so lame that I'm excited about what I'm going to have for lunch I'll probably kill myself. Fucking hell.
• The atomic weight of Cobalt is 58.9332 Amu
• I wonder if they have already made a porn movie called "Brokebutt Mountain"
• Speaking of Brokeback Mountain...why are so many people talking about this movie? I confess, I haven't seen it or know anything about it, whatsoever. Is the movie really good? Really bad? Controversial? WHAT is so bloody special about it?
• Cor Blimey!
• I'm still not smoking. Except for last night, but that was only because Jen lit my clothes on fire.
• I don't know why I like to use w00t so much.
• I've had serious Buffalo Wing cravings this week. I might have to make sure that Jen and I go out to dinner tonight someplace that has good Buffalo Wings so I can eat my fill.
• Today is Mozart's birthday. You should send a card. He hasn't heard from you in ages.
• Sushi sucks. Chuck Norris hates sushi.

K-State: 1 Bush: 0

President Bush recently visited my state of Kansas in order to hold yet another public Q & A forum for the people. Kansas as you know, is home to wheat, basketball, and semi-fascist creationism ideas in our schools. Bush chose Kansas State University as the location for his recent "I don't suck as bad as you think I do" string of public speaking engagements, most likely because his staff knew that there were too many free-thinking, independent liberals at the University of Kansas (my college) who would run circles around our Commander in Chief in the intellectual sense. Luckily, there are enough home-grown, cow-fed, good ol' boys in Manhattan, Kansas to keep Bush occupied and content like a kitten with string while the cameras rolled the pro-president propaganda feeds into our nightly news programs.

The highlight of the day was a female student who asked George 'dubya why he had cut $12.7 billion dollars from the education budget. A trapped and flustered President Bush responded with a series of lame responses and feigned confusion, which prompted several members of the audience to boo accordingly. He even used the famous "I can't hear what you're saying" routine to try and cover his ass, but to no avail. Classic stuff that deserves our applause. Thanks to the Daily Show for making a clip of it.

Watch the video here

Get Thee Behind Me!

Recently, I joined the countless masses of people in this great nation of ours who have counted themselves as born again. No, I am not referring to anything as spiritual as a cathartic religious experience, or even a newfound belief in a higher deity. My lifestyle change has more to do with health and self preservation. It has to do with trying to better myself as a person, while saving my lungs and fattening my wallet. I am referring, of course, to the fact that I am now a non-smoker.

Whoop, there it is. Shake your money-maker. Feel the love. Bring on the health.

Today marks me 19th day of being cigarette free, which means that in the scheme of things I have just begun my quest, but so far I think I am off to a great start. Wow, I just realized I typed “me 19th day” instead of “my”. Apparently, when you stop smoking you start to talk like the Lucky Charms guy. Creepy.

Anyway.

As I go day by day without smoking, one thing has become obvious to me: cigarettes do not let you quit them, without a fight. They will pull out all the stops, to ensure that your transition into healthy lung freedom is wrought with consequences and pain.

The first side effect I noticed was the coughing. Dammit all to hell, I have been coughing like it was going out of style these past two weeks. You would think my lungs were healing, or something. I’ve also noticed that it doesn’t take much for me to snap like a social twig and bite somebody’s head off for no reason, whatsoever:

Chris: Good morning!
Shanshu: Fuck you! I hate you in the face, along with your ugly baby! Go to hell, you idiot! You’ve done nothing but ruin my life from the first moment I met you!
Chris: …(pauses)…So…er, does this mean you don’t want to order something?
Shanshu: (sigh) Yeah, I’ll take an Egg McMuffin.
Chris: That will be $1.08, please pull around to the first window.
Shanshu: Thanks.

Coughing and irritability aside, the only other draw back I’ve noticed so far has been the almost constant desire to eat. I’ve been munching more than a college freshman with a three-foot bong going on a seven day bender. If it’s edible and doesn’t require cooking, it’s all mine. Seriously, don’t touch my pretzels…I’ll fucking kill you.

There are other annoyances that come with quitting smoking, of course. One of the bigger ones is the boredom. Normally, when I got really bored or felt a bit ancy, I would simply step outside and enjoy a smoky treat of cancer-inducing joy. Now, I have nothing to do except crack my fingers. That tends to have adverse effects, in itself. My digits aren’t working as well, anymore. I can’t do simple tasks such as brush my teeth or use silverware to eat. I’ve got my neighbor typing this for me right now, and he is not happy with the way I keep calling his girlfriend fat.

Typist’s note: My girlfriend is not fat. Shanshu is a dickhead. He’s eaten all of my chips.

It’s been a rough journey, but I’m sure that in the end, I will be the one standing. I won’t need nicotine gum, or smoking cessation classes, or a spotter. I can quit on my own, because my will is strong and there is plenty of porn out there in cyberspace to keep me occupied until the cravings stop. Either that, or I can go next door and flirt with my neighbor's fat girlfriend.

Anyway, that is my new lifestyle change. Wish me luck, and remember to stay away from my fucking pretzels. Seriously, I'll kill you.

HAPPY OSW!

Hey, I Remember That!

Ok, so I've spent all morning surfing this site...what can I say, I love retro stuff. This place is pretty cool, as far as blasts from the past's go...but what really kept me busy was the old commercials. Specifically, the old Nintendo Entertainment System commericals from the 80's. They have ads for Lengend of Zelda, the Power Glove, Tetris...it's just too cool for school.

Not a gamer? Don't worry...this site is full of other neat stuff. Powercats, He-Man, the old Burger King glasses based on popular movies...it's all here. Even the Noid from the Domino's Pizza ads!

So check it out, it's radical...bossanova, even!

I Believe In Ninjas

Watch the video. This kid is unreal. It's because of people like this, that I fear and hate those damn dirty ninjas that are always running around. Remind me to put cooking grease on my roof to help keep my place from being robbed.

*Note* If you have trouble viewing the above clip, try this link instead.

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy OSW, bitches!!

Since I've been so sick lately, I thought I'd share my at-work cures for the sicky. Hot tea, Kleenex, and plenty of sucking candies. This cure is also effective for hangovers, broken hearts, and The Clap.

Keep It In The Family

Reasons why you might "accidentally" have sex with your hot cousin:

• You were drunk
• Unknown Family Tree
• Your dad and uncle have a really twisted sense of humor
• It was dark
• You can't back down from a "Triple Dog Dare"
• You needed to spice things up at family holidays
• You knew in your heart that God would forgive you, anyway
• Amnesia, alzheimer's...or any other disorder that makes you forget who your family is
• You ate too many "special brownies" before the big reunion
• You wanted to prove that you could rock anybody's world
• Terrorists threatened to kidnap your parrot
• You were doing research for a new acting role
• Your co-workers called you "chicken"
• Your sibling was busy

Pride? Um...nope, I have none of that, today.

This is the city where I went to college (University of Kansas, Lawrence, KS): http://www.cnn.com/2006/US/01/13/meanest.city.ap/index.html

This is the corporation I work for: (Sprint-Nextel)
http://www.thekansascitychannel.com/family/6054396/detail.html


Sigh. Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm playing for the wrong team. Oh, and everybody can just do their best to ignore the gay joke.

Why I hate the movie STEALTH:

...because it sucked worse than anything has ever sucked before in the history of anything ever sucking. I would rather kiss a spitting cobra, than watch this pathetic film again. It took away an hour and half of my life, and gave me nothing in return except a strong desire to put a corkscrew through my left temple in an attempt to dig out the pain. It was lame...so lame, it limped.


Jessica Biel was in a bikini, though. That was pretty cool. I guess the movie wasn't all that bad.

You Callin' Me Out? You callin' ME out?!

Re-creation of scene from Top Gun:

Pizzle: You're not posting, Shan. You need to post, man. Hey! You need to post!
Shanshu: [grabbing Pizzle by his flight suit] I will post when I am goddamm good and ready! You got that?!

End scene.


I know, I know. It's true. I haven't been posting lately. At first I thought it was just the hustle and the bustle of the holidays causing my lack of creativity...but here we are, well into January and I'm still coming up with fluff, or nothing at all. Granted, that picture of the kid getting tagged by the ball was pretty damn funny...but it wasn't Shanshu style blogger comedy, and I am aware of this. Perhaps I'm losing that loving feeling or perhaps the creative well of my comedic soul has run dry...whatever the reason, I think I'm going to need some help.

Until then, I guess I'm just going to have to do my best to keep you entertained. You could always send me some ideas...stuff that would be fun to read about? That might work...either that, or I could make up some stories, or tell more anecdotes about group bunny and the lack of shyness displayed at my parties...who knows.

Anyway. I'm aware that my posting is on the side of thin lately, and I'm trying to remedy it. I'm sure my creative jucies will start flowing again, soon. If not, I might have to start posting on more serious topics, like religion and the lack of federal funding for the homeless of this country.

Yikes.

OWNED!!!

Friday's Lesson: How to duck, starring "Kid who used to have a cute nose".

Office Supply Wednesday

HAPPY OSW!

This is my Family Guy wallpaper. I have it at work because it gives me warm fuzzies, and it helps me to forget that I'm work. Actually, that's not true at all. I just like to have something familiar near me while I'm in corporate servitude.

I'm the worst blogger EVER

Ok, so I admit it. I suck at blogging, recently. Maybe for a long time, actually. I know that my loyal readers are dying for updates on my Christmas party, or my New Year's Eve parties, or are desperate for new tales of Group Bunny and Chinese Food delivery girls.

Sad to say, while I have interesting stories and tidbits of info to share, I've been slacking off recently due to my lack of caring caused by holiday fun and relaxation. Not to say you are not special, because you ARE. I've just been a horrible blog host this past week.

I promise to fix that.

I really, really do. Tomorrow is my first day back in the office since before Christmas, so I promise that things will get back to normal soon. Just be patient and know that I love you all.

Especially that one girl who reads my blog topless. You know who you are.

I will start posting again very soon, but until then, think kindly of me and do not dispair. Hope remains, while the company is true.

Until then, take care of yourselves. And each other.

-Shanshu

Annoying to the Point of Homicidal Thoughts

You know what I hate most about New Year's? Not the parties or the countdowns, or even those lame noise-makers. What I hate about New Year's Eve is the fact that people try to be clever by saying the following phrase:

"See you next year!"

I fucking hate that. The people who say that think they're being so clever, too. They're hoping that somebody is going to hear that and say "What do you mean? Why won't I see you for a whole year?" and then they can be all smug and witty and say "Well, you'll see me tomorrow...that's next year. Ha ha! Got you! I'm so much smarter than you!"

Fucking lame.

Somebody said that to me today and I almost choked them.

Happy Holidays!!!

MS Outlook 2003 Can Suck Me

While my current political affiliation remains a mystery, there are other areas of my life which I can accurately describe as being super-conservative. One of these areas would be the idea of change. Specifically, the idea of changes to things that I use on a daily basis, like my computer setup and workstation. Now, I’m not afraid of change…I like things to be different and better and more shiny. I do not like changing something that isn’t broken, however. I find that to be simply annoying. Especially when the new version is crappy.

Take my 2002 MS Outlook software at work. It was working fine, and I had it the way I wanted it, and everything was right with the world. Then the fucking Sprint IT guys decided that they wanted me to have MS Outlook 2003. You would think that this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but dammit the programs are as different as black and fuck.

Those crafty IT guys snuck in late last night and installed the new software without my knowledge. I came into work today and booted up my computer only to find that my Outlook taskbar shortcut button had vanished. While cramming that strangeness back away into the “why the fuck did that happen?” portion of my brain, I created a new shortcut button and tried to move on with my life.

Hell no, it wouldn’t be that easy.

There were pop-ups and messages boxes and requests for information. There was a new setup box and configuration settings to deal with, and it even asked me for my name. Here’s my name, MS Outlook 2003: Fuck off. That’s my name. Now go away, and leave me alone.

After the initial setup was complete, I began to browse through my new software, only to be disappointed everywhere I went. New colors and stupid buttons that I don’t need and preview panes and strange boxes and folders in the wrong places….bloody hell, it was chaos in there. I shook my fists at the IT guys and began the process of changing everything back to the way I like it. This process took ten minutes away from my life, that I will never get back.

Even now, I’m not happy with it. The colors are all lame and the shortcut button is screwy. They even put in a second button over near the time section of my desktop, and I can’t make it go away. So now, just in case I’m too stupid to push the regular shortcut button…I have a 2nd one as a backup. Terrific.

That’s what they do sometimes, you know. They change their software because they seem to think that we are all getting dumber while they are getting smarter. They think we can’t find our Calendar by ourselves, so they decide we need a huge fucking button for it that pops up every 5 minutes in case we want to look at it. They assume that we like to have a blaring, huge font title over EACH SEPARATE EMAIL telling us when we received it (“THIS EMAIL IS FROM 1 WEEK AGO” or “THIS EMAIL IS FROM YESTERDAY”) because we are too retarded to look at the Time/Date Stamp that’s always been there.

People…I get a shadow box that pops up now, whenever I get a new email. It pops up and gives me a mini-view of the new email, and then it slowly fades away into nothingness. This box is set to be “always on top” and so far I can’t figure out how to change it (that was not an invitation for you to tell me how in the comments…I will figure it out on my own.) so for now it keeps happening every five minutes when I get a new email. It’s happened twice since I started writing this.

This new Outlook is fucking up my Chi. My Chi is all wrong.

I hate it.

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

This is my Santa pen. It was put into my stupid lame "work stocking" the other day. It has a button the back that makes his fists punch, like Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots, or some such shit. I think he's hilarious and I'm probably going to keep him at my desk for awhile, just to keep the joy going.

Happy OSW.

Christmas Party Top 9

In an effort to avoid any embarassing lawsuits from David Letterman or CBS, I am going to offer up to you, my faithful readers, a top 9 list of...

Reasons Why My Christmas Party Rocked:

9. Somebody almost ate the mistletoe even after I told them it was poison
8. A hot girl was already drunk by 8:37pm after arriving at 7:45pm
7. 14 people were invited, yet somehow 23 people showed up
6. I met yet another new reader who assured me she is going to participate in OSW
5. I saw 3 bras and 2 pairs of panties before midnight. Giggidy-Giggidy!
4. Mulled Wine
3. The guy upstairs didn't call the cops on us, even after it was 4:30am
2. There was NO alcohol-induced vomiting on the premises.

And the number one reason why my Christmas Party rocked...

1. Because it was MY Christmas party, bitches. My shit always works, sometimes!!

Pennies: Tiny Copper Spawns of Satan

As some of you may or may not know, I have a slight problem with pennies. I find them to be a worthless part of our currency market, and a blight on the smooth face of our debt-ridden and shabby economy. I used to keep all of my pennies in a big jar, mindlessly adding to my collection after every monetary transaction. I would throw penny after penny into the jar in an effort to save up enough of the small copper bastards to purchase something silly like food or gasoline. Then one day, for reasons unknown even to myself, I began to silently hate them.

Those stupid pennies. They sit there, with their dirty-looking color and their strange, metallic taste. They fill up our pockets and coin purses, taking up space and offering nothing in return. They are lazy. They are almost worthless. It takes 10 of their kind, to add up to the same amount as a dime…which is sleeker, newer, and shinier. Pennies are old school. They are lame. They have outlived their usefulness and it is, in my opinion, time to retire them to the scrap heap. Let’s make muffin tins out of them, or something.

And don’t get me started on the fact that it is the fault of the penny that we are forced to put up with the stupid marketing pricing fad of $19.99, as if that one penny saves you a bunch of money. The penny is not our friend. The proof is everywhere.

Anyway, my hatred of pennies rose to new levels the other night, when they finally found themselves in a position to justify their existence to me in a very annoying way. Let me set the scene for you:

Super Target, 9:30pm. Tuesday night. Cold outside. Shanshu was forced to travel out into the cold, cruel world of holiday shopping earlier than expected, for the fact that he was being prodded into a Corporate Christmas Team-Building Event which involved the decorating of stockings in one of the meeting rooms. Searching the rows and rows of holiday decorations, he was able to find a Christmas stocking for the low price of $0.99 and that was as much money as Shanshu was willing to spend on such a lame meeting idea. He traveled up to the checkout register, and smiled at the Super Target lady.

Shanshu: Hello.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Hello. Is this it?
Shanshu: Yes.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Did you have trouble finding anything?
Shanshu: No.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Ok. That will be $1.06, please.
Shanshu: (digging around in pockets) Oh, gosh. I only have $1.00 on me. Jen, do you have any change on you?
Jen: (digging around purse) Yeah, I have 5 pennies.
Shanshu: That’s it? Hmm. (turning to checkout lady) I guess we only have $1.05, apparently. Do you mind if we’re short by a penny? Heh.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Yes, I mind.
Shanshu: Eh?
Annoying Super Target Checkout Lady: I mind. It’s $1.06, not $1.05…you need a penny.
Shanshu: …
Jen: Are you…are you serious? It’s a penny.
Annoying Penny Nazi Super Target Checkout Lady: I’m sorry.
Shanshu: (regaining consciousness) Wait…can’t you just…spot us the stupid penny?
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: No. If I do that, my drawer will be off.
Shanshu: By a penny.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.
Shanshu: …
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Do you have another form of payment?
Shanshu: Well, we wouldn’t want to short your drawer a penny, would we? I guess I’m paying with my credit card.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Fine. Please swipe your card.
Shanshu: (thinking) Can I get cash back with this?
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Sure. How much do you want?
Shanshu: A penny.
Very Angry Annoying Penny Nazi: …
Shanshu: Never mind. I’ll just put the $1.06 on my card for now.
Very Angry Annoying Ugly Penny Nazi: Here’s your receipt. Goodbye.
Shanshu: Whatever.
Jen: (handing the checkout lady a penny) Here you go. Here’s a penny for you, in case somebody else today is 1 cent short on their purchase.
Very Angry Annoying Ugly Penny Nazi: …
Shanshu: Don’t give her that…now her drawer will be over by a penny.



Pennies suck. I rest my case.

Happy Thursday.

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

We spent time today decorating our Christmas stockings for a team builder while we watched a movie and ate pizza. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this sock of Christmas cheer, but I'm sure that it's going to find its place in the world soon enough.

Congrats to last week's OSW winner, Damasta. Her cute little Christmas Tree-Clock combo has to win, for the simple fact that it seems to be somewhat artistic. But everybody had great OSW pics this past week...it was hard to choose a winner. In the end, I went with my gut.

Happy OSW.

When Did My Opinions Become So Vacillating?

When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I said whatever thought popped into my small but overactive brain in an attempt to learn more about my surroundings and the world to which I was a part of. I was inquisitive and curious, and formed opinions on things quickly and without hesitation. After all, it seemed easy to pick one side of an argument, over the other. Simply examine both sides and choose the one that made the most sense…it was easy. My loyalties were steadfast and I stuck to my guns, no matter how miniscule the topic of discussion happened to be. For instance, I might very well have been seen locked into a wrestling match with somebody who believed that Superman was cooler than Spiderman. Obviously, whatever kid thought that was stupid, and needed my size 5 Velcro shoes up his OshKosh B'Gosh ass. Back then, taking sides seemed natural.

I’m not sure when it happened, or what cathartic event transpired that would cause me to shift my perspective, but lately I have noticed that when it comes to “important” debates I find myself almost always on the fence. I not only see both sides of the argument, but I see them so well and so clearly that I find it hard to form an opinion on which is the “correct” point of view. Many times I have examined something on the news that is causing some form of controversy, only to find myself agreeing with both sides and then moving on with my life. I did not used to be this way. Ask anybody I went to high school with about topics such as abortion, the death penalty, war, homosexuality, sports, racism, or anything else you can think of. The odds are, they will be able to say without hesitation and with little difficulty what my view on that particular issue was at that time. Nowadays, you would be lucky to guess what type of juice I like to drink.

I’m sure that one of the reasons for my recent trend of indecisiveness stems from taking philosophy in college. Those classes are the epitome of there is no answer, which is bound to cause some confusion in opinionated individuals such as myself. When I first read philosophy questions such as “What is truth?” and “Is knowledge even possible?” my mind began to swirl with possibilities and the answers to difficult questions. During my freshman year at college, you could find me muddling over whether or not insects had souls, or find me trying to prove that color is an illusion. I’m fairly certain that it was during this time that my brain began its path towards hesitation and universal agreement. This was also the time that I figured out that sex does not help you find love, and Pro Wrestling is fake.

Another reason that I’ve been sitting on the fence lately is probably caused by time, and its effect on the mind. As I’ve gotten older, some of my opinions have changed based on personal experience and learning. For instance, I used to believe that going to a loud, busy dance club on a Friday night was the best way to hang out with friends and have a good time. Now, I find it is much more enjoyable to go to a bar and socialize with these same friends in an atmosphere that stimulates discussion and laughing. It is more appealing to me, because I have found that the benefits to such an atmosphere outweigh the benefits of going to a dance club. This same style of thought can be applied to other areas of my life, including religion and even food. This is probably why most older people don’t eat Big Macs at 2:00am after a night of heavy drinking and socializing…they’ve figured out that it’s not the best thing to be doing. So maybe we can say that my inability to choose a side comes from just getting older. Now, turn down that damn rap music so I can continue! Damn kids.

I could sit here and write a dozen more reasons for why I find it hard to choose a side, and none of them would come any closer to answering the question that I posed in my title. I could say that it involves the empathy of seeing the other person’s side of things, which makes it harder to continue to see things from my side, alone. I could postulate that my indecisiveness derives from seeing the futility in arguing and debating topics, since talking about something will never change the course that a particular event or topic will travel. Maybe my cynicism doesn’t allow me to form opinions. Maybe I’m afraid to commit to things, now that I’m getting older and the threat of death looms over my head like a black cloud of inevitability. Maybe the decision center of my brain was zapped away by years of fermented hops and bong resin.

The truth is, I’m not positive about why I can’t seem to commit to a side anymore, but I think it has something to do with fear. I think fear may be the cause of most of our problems. Fear motivates us to do wonderful things, this is true…but it also holds us back. It makes us drive slower and eat healthier food and think before we speak. It causes us to look both ways, hold our tongues, and look before we leap. In this world of infinite possibilities and choices, I find it highly plausible that the main reason for me to not choose sides, is because that is the safest route to take. If you don’t form an opinion, then you can’t be wrong. As any poker player will tell you, you can’t lose what you don’t put in the middle. So perhaps I find it is easier to sit on the fence, than to pick a side to jump over to.

If that is the case, then it is unacceptable. We should never be afraid of telling our viewpoints, or taking a side in a debate. So what if you think the wrong thing, or choose the wrong side? You can always change your mind, you have that right. I think it’s written down somewhere. Besides, who is to say that your opinion is necessarily wrong? I’m sure that Superman kid thought he was right, and I was wrong. Big deal. It doesn’t change the fact that we liked different things, and were vocal about it. I’m going to stop being afraid to choose a side. From now on, I’m going to jump off the fence and stick to my guns.

That having been said, I’ve come up with a list of topics, along with the side I have chosen to take for each topic. This is my way of trying to become an opinionated individual, again. Enjoy.

10 Things I Believe in:

-The death penalty
-A higher power and an infinite universe
-Big breasts are attractive
-Country music is crap
-Red meat is good for you
-Stem Cell research is good
-College sports are better than pro sports
-OJ Simpson is guilty
-Michael Jackson is innocent
-Saying "One Nation, Under God" during the Pledge of Allegiance

10 Things I Do Not Believe in:

-Ghosts
-Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone
-Hell
-Vegans
-The Electoral College
-Putting sugar in pasta sauce
-The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was motivated by racism
-Psychotherapeutic drugs
-Enemas make you more healthy
-US Courts favoring the mother for child custody

Some things I'm still on the fence about:

-Abortion
-War
-Unions
-Big Business
-The new colors of M&M's
-Jokes about Jesus



PS: You had to look up the word vacillating, didn't you? Admit it.

Christmas Bunnies!!!!!

If you're anything like me, then you enjoy a good spanking as much as the next person. You also love Christmas movies, because they put you into a good mood, and remind you of simpler times and holiday cheer. One of my favorite Christmas movies is A Christmas Story, which I'm sure many of you have seen before.

In the spirit of the season, my favorite acting bunnies (not the group kind) have put together a mini-movie of A Christmas Story, done in thirty seconds. Click the pic to check it out:

Happy Friday, everybody! May the spirit if Christmas and the odds of stress and things going wrong swell within you during this holiday season!! And, if you feel the need for spankings, remember it is better to give, than recieve.

OSW and Shanshu's PC Woes

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!!

This is my Roy Williams bobble-head doll. He used to be the head basketball coach for KU until he sold out and moved back to North Carolina. We miss him terribly, since our team has turned to crap ever since he left.

Sometimes, I have to turn him around because I can't look at his face.

So, here's what happened to me yesterday, in the style of "The Night Before Christmas":

T'was the day before Wednesday and all through my home,

Nobody was stirring, since I was alone.

I went into my den to use my PC,

while visions of Blogging danced around within me.

I noticed some SpyWare and even Viruses, too.

So I decided to get rid of them, with no more ado.

I paid fifty dollars for some software to cure

the spyware and viruses; to kill them for sure.

But what did I see with my own little eyes?

The software was bogus! The fix full of lies!

My money was gone and the Spyware remained,

promises of online safety and protection were feigned.

I cursed and I spat, and shook my fists in the air,

but nobody heard me, there was no one to care.

I called Dell Support and begged them to help me,

and they said they would...for a large fee.

One hundred dollars later and two hours more,

and my computer was more broken, then it was before.

"We cannot fix it." they said and they sounded quite dumb,

while I sat in my den and I sucked on my thumb.

"Your hard drive has crashed, there is nothing to say,

we here at Dell hope you have a very nice day!

"A new hard drive we will send you, and this one will work!"

they told me as I tried to stab my wrist with a spork.

I jumped up and down and felt so much better,

and then I sat down to write a nasty letter.

Screw Hackers! Screw Spammers! Screw all Spyware too!

I wrote about how they had spat on my shoe.

Then I went up to my bank to tell them the story,

only to find out that they had no money for me.

One hundred and Fifty dollars the total I lost,

to learn a good lesson at oh such a cost.

So now I am wiser, and more bitter still.

Of all the spyware and viruses I've had my fill.

So to all of you out there who are not quite protected,

buy up-to-date software or you too will be infected.

So I say to you all, Happy Computing for you!

And to Spyware and Hackers I say fuck off.

Friday Fantabulous

I don't have anything to say, today. I have nothing to say...except to say, that I have nothing to say. So I guess you could say, that I only have one thing to say, which is that I have nothing to say, and that's the one thing I have to say.

So, now that we've cleared that up...here's some pictures of a girl with large breasts who looks 17 years old, but is probably closer to 37 knowing the way Hollywood changes people. Enjoy, and Happy Friday.

World AIDS Day 2005

Today, December 1st is World AIDS Day. It's the day when people around the world are meant to stand together in one voice, and say "We will defeat this horrible epidemic that has swept across our lands!" while holding hands and praying for a better future. It's the day when awareness is raised, donations are given, and celebrities give speeches.

This is my first time ever hearing about it, which does not surprise me one bit. I've commented before about the lack of media coverage of AIDS, and how it has become an "Out of sight, out of mind" epidemic that gets less spotlight time than David Duchovny lately. (Read my post about the lack of AIDS media coverage here)

I will say this, though: the coverage this year must be better than last year, because last year I don't remember hearing about World AIDS Day whatsoever...so the fact that I know about it this year is a plus in the AIDS Media Marketing column.

CNN even gave it a headline. Not THE headline, of course. That would be too much spotlight. But they did give the AIDS day a headline, and that's all that matters.

Anyway, happy World AIDS Day 2005! I encourage you all to spend some time today (if even a few minutes) reminding yourself about the horrible problems of AIDS, and that it is something that is still a plague on our world. Maybe you could even go so far as to wear a red ribbon. I know that ribbons are symbols and many people don't like symbols...but symbols are cliché for a reason. Try it out...it's not that bad. I promise it won't make you look fat.