Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Blog Surfing

I like to surf.

No, I’m not referring to the subtle science and exact art that is gliding on water while standing precariously on a wooden board coated in wax while fighting off fish that bite. I refer simply to the act of quickly changing visual stimuli in rapid succession with no immediate goal in mind. An example of this is channel surfing. I enjoy to lazily sit on the couch while clicking through the channels in an effort to find something to watch to occupy my time. Trouble is, sometimes I find that I am having more fun simply watching the random images that flash by on the screen, than I do when watching an entire program.

So sometimes I find myself mindlessly channel surfing, while somehow keeping my mind focused enough to actually determine what is going on in each brief television flash. It’s almost as if my brain can press together the seconds I spend staring at the channel and come up with a conclusion about what we are seeing. So it almost feels like I’m watching 65 stations at the same time. Good brain workout, I think. Or maybe it’s making me stupid. Either way, I think it’s fun every now and then.

I do this with other forms of stimuli, other than the television. Today, I did this with other blogs. Yep, Blog Surfing. I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? Unless you read the title, of course. You know that button at the top right of your Blogger page that says “Next Blog”? Well sometimes I click on that button and check out the blogs that pop up. I never spend time actually reading them for very long...I just glimpse at them quickly to get an idea about them, and see if my subconscious brain is able to determine if it is a blog I would enjoy on a regular basis. Most of the time, my brain just makes shit up.

Here are today’s results, in order:
This blog seems to be a religious blog. At first glance, it seemed like a cult website or something. I didn’t read further (because that would defeat the purpose of blog-surfing) to see if it was a legit blog or a freaky cult one, so for now I’m sticking with my cult idea because it is more fun. Besides, it doesn’t matter anyway.
For shame, cultists! Don’t drink the punch! It’s laced with rat poison! No enlightenment through body mortification for you! Read a book.
This seems to just be a blog about pictures. I scanned through them briefly. Seemed very dark and morbid and sad, to me. Then I noticed that the words weren’t in English. My God! It’s some sort of crazy alien blog! They take pictures of random buildings and nature in order to study our…habits of……having feelings…towards…parks. Yeah, maybe it’s just a guy who takes a lot of pictures.
Wow. This person talks a LOT. They must like to talk as much as they like the letter V. The posts are Very long and haVe a nice ramble feel to them. I hate the black background because it makes me feel like I’m being sucked into some sort of blog abyss with no escape. At least the posts are very long and that is good. Vroom.
Ew, a sports blog. These things bore the ever-loving shit out of me. I won't knock them, but at the same time I’m not sure what they ever have to offer that ESPN or Sports Illustrated wouldn’t have. And no pictures. Blah. I’d rather read about cults again.
Oh, my lord. It’s a blog with nothing but links to somebody else’s articles. So this is like…a blog article routing station. Actually I noticed that all of the links are supposed to be mp3’s but I haven’t heard crap, even after I clicked on a link. Then I noticed a link called “Scraping the Paint Off Jesus” and I stopped to chuckle. I’m not even going to try and figure out what that means. It’s funnier when I don’t.
Sweet, a Spanish blog! Lucky for me I speak Spanish. It’s not very interesting even after you translate it, though. I like the dragon. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Me llamo draco de muerte!
Ok, seriously. What the fuck is going on? Why are there so many damn religious blogs out there? This is 3 so far, today. Unless the Spanish one was religious, too. Then it’s FOUR. I guess many people with faith now like to share that faith with the rest of the universe. Yay me. Totally fucks up my blog-surfing chi.

This is when I stopped blog-surfing. One of these days I’m hoping to come across a porn blog or something really interesting like that, to keep my attention for more than five seconds. Until then, I guess it’s nothing more than religious sites and baseball statistics. W00t.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Lazy People Have Feelings Too

While we travel through life, we are sometimes blessed with the opportunity to stumble across something so interesting and comedic that we are forced to share it with the rest of the world. It doesn’t have to be hilarious, or even be funny enough to make you lol* but it is funny enough to make you giggle and wish that other people were there with you when it happened, so you could share in your new private joke.

Something like that happened to me recently.

It wasn’t a life-changing event, or even something funny enough to remember for much longer…but it was pretty damn funny at the time. I promised her I wouldn’t tell this story, but the need to share this is too powerful for me to ignore any longer. Sorry, hon…but the truth must be told.

The other day, I returned home from the gym and began drinking my Gatorade with a thirst-quenching desire that only a full cardio afternoon can invoke in a person. During this electrolyte replenishment chug-a-thon, I noticed Jen walking into the room with a slight limp in her step. She smiled and asked me how the gym was, and I told her it was fine and went back to my drink. After she limped further into the room, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked her why she was walking strange. She turned to me, and with a note of drama and sadness in her voice, informed me that she had injured her back…while getting up off the couch…to get some food.

I laughed and did that thing with my drink. You know, that thing where you pretend to choke on your drink because it adds a little bit of comedic timing and scene to the situation? I did that. Then I did a double-take and looked at her and was like “you hurt your back getting up off the couch? Oh my god you are so lazy!” and had a good laugh about it.

Here I was, returning from the gym and bettering myself in an effort to be more healthy and meanwhile, my girlfriend hurts her back while groaning herself off of the comfortable couch in order to get more food to stuff into her face. I found the situation hilarious and told her so.

Lucky for me, she didn’t get mad at me laughing at her. I think it was because she knows she isn’t out of shape, or fat, or lazy…but damn if that situation didn’t reek of “fat lazy person tries to get off couch but injuries occur” that you hear about in tabloids or self-improvement videos.

It still makes me chuckle. I’m not sure how funny she’s going to find the situation, now that I’ve shared with all 6 of my readers…but hey, my public demands entertainment.

*I’ve recently heard that some people in this world actually exist with the belief that “lol” stands for “lots of love”. If you are one of these people, please do me a favor and slap yourself across the face for not fully understanding and appreciating techy-talk.

Friday, January 26, 2007

From the Ashes...

That's right...Shanshu is back again for more tales of group bunny, rants about idiots, and general humor and entertainment for the numerous blog-surfers who can find no rest or inner peace without constantly checking their favorite sites for updates!!!

I know it's been a long time since I've been around...too long, actually. But that's ok. I don't really think you will hold it against me. For starters, I'm not even sure how many people will even come check my site, since I've been gone for so long it's probable at least one of you has died in the interim...sorry about that, by the way. What's infinity like?

I wish I had a good explanation for you. You know...a tale of woe and despair that begins with a quest or decision and leads into a struggle for dominance and victory while adding in a romantic aspect and finally reaching a monumental and cathartic climax with a decrescendo of conclusions and a lesson learned?

Something like that would be nice...but I don't have one of those.

The best I can do, is say that while my life has had ups and downs and turns and interesting moments involving carpet glue and vodka, for the most part things have been boring and not really worth talking about in any great detail during my introduction post.

That's what this is, by the way. The introduction post into my new blog and the Phoenix-style rebirth that has occurred.

Since this is my first post from my sabbatical, I'm going to avoid getting into my usual rants or comedic posts involving group sex or Chinese take-out food and instead simply say that I am back, and I hope to blog more in the near future.

You may now take this opportunity to comment on my triumphant return and tell me how much you missed me, or how pissed you are at me...or just to say hello.