Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Omi Wednesday

That's right, kiddies! Today is Office Supply Wednesday, starring our favorite orange office ninja of small stature himself, Omi!

Omi made it back safe and sound from his journey to explore the rest of the office. He encountered water fountains, toilets, and a certain copy machine who shall remain nameless. I think Omi learned that the best place to find yourself, is in your own backyard. So he returned to the safety of my cubicle to help me once again thwart office evil and help maintain order within the business unit.

Sadly, Omi ran across a package of unmarked pills during his travels. I told him to throw them away; that they were unsafe for little ninjas. Omi didn't listen. Soon he was tripping worse than Barney on meth, and we all know how that turned out.

I spent all day yesterday watching over our little friend; making sure he didn't fall asleep in the copier, or accidentally swallow his sai. Luckily, he passed the day in a harmless psychedelic bliss which can only be described as groovy.

Afterwards, Omi learned the full negative effects of drugs, and he is wiser for it.

I wish they made mini-ninja aspirin...poor Omi.

Monday, March 27, 2006

Oh My God! They killed Chef! You bastards!

So last night I finally got to see the new South Park episode "Return of Chef", and I have to say I thought it was awesome. There were some parts that made me laugh outloud in that raspy, asthmatic way that only truly funny things can.

I was going to do a whole post about the episode, and what I thought of it. Then I realized that I would just be saying the same things that other people have said, and it's not like everybody doesn't already know what's going on, anyway. Chef is gone. Chef is dead. He was set on fire, fell down a cliff, impaled on a stick, chewed on by a mountain lion, and ripped apart by a gorram bear. Chef is no more, children. They fucking killed him in the most bloody, gory way possible. And it was friggin' hilarious.

If you don't know the full story about why Isaac Hayes decided to leave the cast of South Park, you can read a pretty good informative story about it here.

The best part of the episode for me was the way in which they left the door open for Isaac to return as Chef, if he so desired. Yes, children...They have already resurrected Chef, though he's more machine now than man. Twisted and sexually evil. He is Darth Chef!

If you click on the picture of Darth Chef above, you will be directed to a great page with the audio from the Darth Chef episode, along with a great new Darth Chef remix of "Chocolate Salty Balls". Totally worth a look.

RIP, Chef. We'll miss you.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Musical Maladies

Have you ever wanted to hear a song that you used to love, but is no longer around? Have you ever found yourself searching through closets and used records stores in an attempt to once again hear this song you used to listen to all the time when you were younger? Have you ever found the act of finding said song to be something of a quest? An annoying, frustrating, difficult quest what most often yields negative results, in the end? A quest for musical perfection to quell the urges and memories in your pathetic little brain that leaves you longing?

Well, I'm on such a quest, at this exact moment in time. And it sucks. It sucks donkey balls without a reach-around. It sucks in the face. If I can't find the song I'm looking for soon, I'm pretty sure I'll lose all hope in the internet and it's philosophy of "world wide sharing" and ease of use. Ease of use, my ass. Where's my fucking song?

That song has got to be out there, somewhere. It's ricockulous that I haven't found it, yet. I can't be the only person in the universe who likes this song...somebody out there, had to have uploaded it to a web page, or audio listing. Right?

The closest I've found to what I seek, is some pansy-foo remix that sounds like ass. And when I say "sounds like ass" I am of course referring to the fact that the music resembles a pack of monkeys farting on a microphone in rhythm with each other, along with piano accompaniment.

I will find that gorram song. Oh, yes.

It will be mine.

Bonus Points: +10 Cool Points to the first person to identify the Firefly reference in this post.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

OSW on Hold Today

Ok, so I'm not going to make excuses. I'm sick today and I don't feel up to being creative for today's Office Supply Wednesday post. Omi is tired anyway, and I think my camera phone is full at the moment.

Besides, would you really want me to post a lame picture, just to satisfy your Omi addiction? Probably so, but I'm not going to do it, anyway. Just deal with it. Know that I love you, and Omi loves you....but today isn't your day.

Even if I wanted to give you a pic today, I couldn't. Blogger Photo Editor isn't working. The bitches aren't taking care of their server, and if they don't get their act together soon, Omi will have his vengeance.

Oh, yes. Omi doesn't forget.

Anyhoo, sorry 'bout the lack of Omi Supply Wednesday. There's always next week.


Friday, March 17, 2006

Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

Jen went out last night for some sort of Irish dinner celebration.
Jen drank at the Irish dinner celebration.
Jen woke up feeling hungover today.

I gave her no sympathy.

Drinking the night before Saint Patrick's Day is like...eating a huge meal before you sit down to Thanksgiving dinner.

It's not smart.

I'm sure this goes without saying, but everybody be safe today/tonight. Remember, only idiots drive while drunk...and always wear a condom.

Unless you're masturbating. Then it's ok not to.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Office Supply Wednesday

Omi recently fell into the mix with the nearby copy/fax machine combo monster unit. I was able to capture a few shots, unnoticed by our hero:

Here you can see that Omi the Orange Office Ninja has encountered the strange goliath copier/fax combo machine. In an effort to press his dominance over all things office supply, Omi attempts to reason with the plastic beast.

Oh, no! The copier/fax machine fights back! Here you can see Omi in a desperate situation...

Yikes! The green laser beams of death have begun to scan our hero! What diabolical scheme has this Xerox beast hatched for Omi?

This means war!

Friday, March 10, 2006

Happy Friday!

Today's smile brought to you by Foamy the Squirrel : If you've ever had to call Tech Support before, you can relate to this:

Here are the other two Tech Support cartoons, if you'd like to check them out. My favorite is Tech Support #1...cracks me up, every single time I watch it. Enjoy!

Tech Support #2

Tech Support #1

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Omi Supply Wednesday!

Happy OSW!

Welcome to the Adventures of Omi the Office Ninja! I have managed to aquire some of Omi's diary from his travels...take a look to see what our favorite little orange assasin has been up to recently!

* * *

Omi's Log: Day 1

I have successfully escaped the sparsely decorated confines of my rectangular prison. The process was difficult, but in the end I was able to break away and make a dash for the next cell, where I hoped my presence would go unnoticed until such time as my captors ceased their pursuit. My cell-mate, a very handsome and intelligent warrior, facilitated my release with a well-timed distraction. His very descriptive story about group sex and fermented hops was enough to keep the other prisoners busy while I searched for clues as to my whereabouts in this brightly lit, yet stale smelling new environment. If I am lucky, tomorrow I will attempt to traverse the green carpeted marshes and arrive at the local watering hole. May the mighty oracle Dell protect me, on my quest.

Omi's Log: Day 3

Today's questing has yielded positive results! I have successfully discovered the location of the local watering hole. It is a very shiny, smooth place with running springs and strange holes in the ground. After extensive study, I have determined that the springs use these holes to evacuate the excess water around the shiny watering hole area, in order to keep the basin from overflowing. I find this engineering feat to be genius, and hope to find further evidence of technological marvels throughout the course of my journey. May the mighty oracle of Dell protect me.

Omi's Log: Day 5

So far, my quest of discovery has been fruitful and enlightening. Yesterday, I was in the process of determining the proper function of the mysterious machine of brown hot liquid. After careful review and many hours of observation, it has become apparent that the machine serves as some sort of drinking receptacle for the workers here. The liquid seems to give them vitality and stamina, which I can only assume makes them more productive drones. I attempted to sample some of this "Cough Eee" as the workers called it, however I was unable to drink. The Cough-Eee was too hot, and I began to feel my face burn as I tried. While I was leaving the Cough-Eee area, I heard a worker approach! Quickly, I dove into a nearby bushel of pink pillows, hoping to use my ninja skills of stealth and concealment to my advantage. I'm happy to report that the worker did not notice me, and I was able to continue my travels unabated. Tomorrow I will head towards a source of light I have noticed at the end of the hallway of the green carpet marshes. May the mighty oracle protect me.

Omi's Log: Day 7

This new world has proven to be much larger than I anticipated. Today I stumbled across a strange, transparent wall which impeded my journey and restricted me from traveling any further in that direction. As I gazed through the mysterious portal, I saw beyond it a world full of wondrous things and places. It is my hope, that someday I shall step foot into this new world and learn all that there is to learn...and complete my journey of enlightenment.

Omi's Log: Day 8

The workers here are better taken care of, than I originally expected. Today I discovered a cave of water machines and mighty springs of joy. These tall architectural wonders stretched far and wide, and I admit I found myself excited to bathe myself in all of the waters that were offered to me. I desired to sample all of the springs, hoping for some sort of magical result or perhaps a blessing from Dell for my successful pilgrimage. Alas, I did not receive a magical blessing, but at one point I did manage to obtain a generous helping of a slimy, sweet smelling substance which poured from a shiny metal spout above my head. When combined with the water of the spring, it produced a wondrous mixture which can only be described as heavy air globules of semi-wet wonderment.

After playing for hours in these sweet-smelling pillows of fun, I headed towards one of the larger water altars. I have dubbed these devices the "Whoosh-Gurglers" because of the strange noise that they create. At times, the water in the lake of these large water altars does not move. At other times, it makes a strange noise and then disappears from view...sucked down into a vortex of darkness. After the water recedes, it then bubbles itself back up, like the springs of old my grandfather told me about. I'm not sure what purpose these serve, and so until I am convinced of their use, I shall remain here studying them. Many ninja would feel threatened by such a long, arduous task of observation. I, however, am not at all worried. These strange altars hold plenty of drinking water, and I have created a new game in which I attempt to guess the amount of time that will elapse in between each water disappearance. The answer will not elude me for long. Until then, may the Dell oracle enlighten me.

* * *

Don't miss next week's exciting episode of The Adventures of Omi the Office Ninja, when Omi confronts the strange monster of replication!

Monday, March 06, 2006

...and the winner is: a big fat chainsaw to your head!

Let's get this out in the open, right now. I don't want there to be any confusion on this matter, nor do I wish for anybody to walk away from their computer without knowing my belief in regards to one of the things in this world that actually causes me pain, from all of the rage that builds up within my body when I think about it. I fucking hate award shows.

Last night, I'm sure a great many of you turned your attentions towards The Oscars with hopes of wardrobe malfunctions and the wackiness that ensues when uber important mega-rich movie gods honor us with their presence for a few hours while they take the opportunity to pat each other on the backs and remind us of how cool they are. I'm sure there were some great non-improvised cheesy one-liners and a whole plethora of "shouts out to God" in-between the skits and musical numbers that helped draw attention away from the recently washed-up actor in the second hour of his drug-induced coma. I'm sure it was peachy.

It's just...not my thing. And that is the nicest way I can put that, without offending the whole damn world.

Award shows bug the ever-loving shit out of me, and that is no joke. At one point while flipping channels last night, I accidentally caught about 10 seconds of the announcer saying something movie related during the Oscars, and it actually made my liver scrunch up and die. I have to go downtown to the black market and pick a new one up, this afternoon. Ohhh that reminds me, I also need some paperclips...

Anyhoo, since I hate award shows more than I hate being kicked in the nuts by a pissed off donkey, I spent most of last night watching Dog The Bounty Hunter reruns while my girlfriend licked my nipples and moaned like a porn star. I tried to get her to invite another girl over for some anti-awards show group bunny protest sex...but alas, we couldn't find anybody who wasn't watching the damn Oscars.

Unlike my victory over Reality TV, I know with this one I'm fighting a losing battle...I know that most people enjoy watching award shows, and there is no end in sight to the madness. I know that people anxiously awaiting to hear who the pre-determined winner for Best Actor or Best Film are numerous, and cannot be stopped. I know that for whatever reason, award shows entertain most of you...and I respect that.

I just fucking hate them. I hate the Oscars, worst of all. The arrogance and pretentiousness of the whole thing makes my butt itch. I'm actually thankful that I haven't heard people talking about The Oscars yet, here at work. I think that might actually push me over the edge.

I hate award shows, and I hate the hype that surrounds them, and I hate the news articles and summations you find online about them the next day. I hate the whole fucking process, and everything that it entails.

Oh, by the way...who won for best actor?

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Office Supply Wednesday

Omi's Journey of Discovery: Part 1

Omi has recently taken up a quest. His quest involves traveling to a far away cubicle to do battle with an evil office supply. I don't have many details at this point...all I know, is that he decided to leave and there was nothing I could do to stop him. Sometimes, the way of the warrior is hard to understand.


I begged Omi to stay here, where he was safe. Without a word, he turned and headed towards the edge of the desk. I noticed there was a look of sadness in his eyes...but his resolve was stone.

Staring out over the edge of the void, Omi steadied himself, preparing his body and soul for the battle he must fight. A true warrior must always be prepared for new challenges.

He made it! After making his way down to the floor, Omi began his trek to the unknown world of Cubicles. What lay beyond his safety cube? What dangers exist beyond these walls? We can only guess.


The voyage of Omi the Office Ninja has begun.