Thursday, February 02, 2006

Why People Kill Other People:

Because they fucking deserve it.

-The End

You want more elaboration, do you? I can expand on this topic, if you wish. Before I begin, I will need you to do something to facilitate the story-telling process. I will need you to close your eyes for a moment, and picture yourself in morning gridlock traffic from hell. You know, lots of cars and honking and people cutting you off. Lots of mufflers ejaculating their dirty, unwanted exhaust all over your hood in a very degrading yet constant manner. Lots of braking and accelerating, and braking and accelerating, over and over again in a repetitive vicious circle of perpetual torment that makes your head feel like it’s going to explode.

Go ahead, picture it. Take your time. I’ve already written this, so you’re not keeping me waiting, or anything. Sers’ly, whenever you're ready.

… … …

Done? Ok, good. Now we can move on to the telling of my little story. This morning on the way to work was not much different than any other day. There were lots of cars and lots of traffic and lots of waiting around for my turn to drive. There were plenty of stoplights that seemed to wait at least 2 minutes longer to change to green, when I was waiting for them. There were also lots of slow drivers who were radio-dispatched to my location by some omnipotent traffic demigod whom I seem to have insulted at some point in my short but generously fulfilled group-bunny sex life. There were curses and there was fist-shaking, and most people seemed to have a “all for nobody and one for me” philosophy attached to their driving procedure.

It was a normal high-traffic morning.

One thing caught my attention, however. The minivan mom in front of me, who had no kids in the car but drove slow enough to convince you that she might be transporting precious breakables, started to slow down on a major road for apparently no reason whatsoever.

Blood begins to warm.

She then braked completely in the middle of the road, to a dead stop. I slammed on my breaks and frantically began looking around for the wayward child you must have run haphazardly into the street to cause such a random stop in traffic…but to no avail. There was no child, dog, cat, baby, old person, bowling ball, or chicken present anywhere near us. It seemed that the minivan mom had stopped for her own reasons.

Blood begins to steam and agitate.

While I recovered from my near rear-end collision with the crazy braking woman of pain in front of me, I saw her start to wave her hand. Was she waving at me? Was there something on my face? Was she using some sort of code to tell me that she was sorry for ruining my morning commute? What? What was she doing? And then I saw it.

She was waving in the cars waiting on the side street, so they could merge in front of her and join the rest of us in our quest to journey to work.

Blood begins to boil.

Sonofabitch. This evil demon woman regurgitated from the depths of Hades stopped the flow of traffic on a congested, busy street in order to let in other cars who were waiting for their turn on a side street, for no reason. I felt my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as I grinded my teeth and tried with all of my heart to refrain myself from jumping out of the car and pounding on her window in an effort to battle the evil that must have been present within. The cars behind me were honking and shaking their fists, and I began to feel their hatred, which I knew had the power to destroy the weak who were foolish enough to try and combat it.

Then, after she let in 3 waiting cars, she took her clawed foot off of the brake, and began once more to drive forward. The cars behind me stopped honking, and I slowly proceeded forward as I tried to calm myself with deep breaths and calming thoughts:

Maybe she was just being nice; doing her good deed for the day. Maybe she knew what it was like to wait in line like that, on a side street during morning rush-hour. She’s affected by this, the same as the rest of us.

Blood begins to cool down.

She now has to wait longer to get to work, like I do…and those people got a chance to travel. It’s ok, enhance your calm. Enhance your calm…we’re all in this, together. Just breathe and enhance…WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING NOW?!

I shook my head in disbelief at what was unfolding in front of me. This woman had stopped traffic for about 30 seconds while she let in not one, not two…but three cars into her lane. She had endangered the lives of the cars behind her, and she had royally pissed me off. Now she had the balls to turn off the road and head for the highway a mere 5 seconds after she let all of those cars in.

Blood begins to rapidly boil again!

I couldn’t believe it. After all of that? After the waiting and the merging and the waving cars in, she simply changed lanes and merged onto the highway, leaving the rest of us to deal with the congestion and extra cars that she had created in her wake. She was a hurricane of destruction and pain; she was the anti-Christ of motor vehicles. She was a demon. Evil is real, kids.

And THAT is why people kill other people: Because they fucking deserve it.


wrmblnwrck said...

This is just more evidence for my "At the heart of every traffic accident is a soccer mom in a minivan/SUV" theory. They might be miles and miles away from the actual accident/jam, but some stupid thing they've done (cutting someone off, braking at a green light, etc) set in motion a chain reaction that dooms the motorist realm.

Some people say nay, it is the rich mercedes drivers that cause the accidents. But in reality, they just wreck their car cuz they're so steamed at the minivan mom that was going 8mph in a 45mph zone 4 miles back.

musie said...

Once I realized I had to open my eyes to read the rest of your story I greatly enjoyed it. Are you positive is wasnt the penny nazi karmically trying to get back at you for writing about her?

Shanshu said...

I agree with your minivan mom theory; it makes sense.

Chuck Norris hates minivan moms.

Callie said...

Yeah, minivan moms suck. What's even worse, you ask? Minivan dads. Or minivan grandparents.

First of all - the minivan has to be the most emasculating of all forms of transportation, short of a pink tricycle. So, when men drive it, they already have no balls. They seem to take this emasculation to heart and drive like they think women drive, which - as we all know - is no where near as bad as people give us shit for.

I mean, being a mom - I can totally relate to parents wanting to drive safetly when their children are in the car. I personally don't subscribe to that particular trait - but then, I'm a freak. But when you see those people in morning traffic, I understand the need to go over to their window, knock politely, and when they roll down their window, beat the living crap out of them. It's one of those fantasies I have every morning.

Then again, I also slow down to let people on side streets in. But that's only because I live in a town with absolutely NO stoplights, and one major highway running through the center of town, and about a dozen little side streets that get so congested, it's almost impossible to get anywhere unless nice people let you in.

My advice - take a deep breath, get a nice hot cup of coffee (or tea, or coco), and channel the rage into something productive - like finding a way to attach heat sinking missiles to the front of your car.

Think Frustrated said...

Chuck Norris' commuter Sherman tank uses Minivans as spark plugs.

Maybe she just figure that she was exiting, so why not just piss everyone off. Unlike you, I don't get angry in traffic because that shit is beyond my control. If you can't control something, you just have to accept it, even if it sucks.

There's my buddha moment.

Jen said...

I agree with your anger. I am a firm believer that traffic jams and road rage are caused by defensive drivers 100% of the time.
If you weren't being illegal and stupid by accelerating to only 45 mph on the on ramp of the freeway, I wouldn't have to swerve around you angrily and cut off the car in the other lane. Then that car's driver wouldn't be in a bad mood and refuse to let anyone get in front of them. Then the car that can't get in front of them wouldn't have to slow down dramatically to get behind them. Then the car behind them wouldn't have rear-ended them. You see how it was all the 45 mph to merge onto the highway moron's fault?

DaMasta said...

...and THAT is why I sing NSYNC in the car on the way to work.

Pizzle said...

Musie! You took my joke! lol...

I fucking hate those people. Here's an idea...rather than be considerate to the 3 people who you just let in, think of the 300 people that are now at a dead stop because of your bitch-ass.

To the people on the sidestreet, if you get frustrated because no one will let you in, LEAVE FOR WORK EARLIER. blood is at a slow boil just reading this story...THAT'S how much I hate those people.

Shanshu said...

Callie: Beating the living crap out of somebody who is driving like a moron is one of my fantasies, too.

frustrated: I agree; I usually try not to let it get to me. But sometimes stuff like today happens, that causes me to spiral into a never-ending abyss of anger and frustration.

jen: that formula seems accurate, to me. SOunds about right.

damasta: N-Sync? really? Well....that's ok. Although if I tried that, i would get MORE violent and angry.

pizzle: word, yo. You feel my pain. Blood was boiling.

Kay said...

I'm also against the drivers of white Honda cars. It doesn't matter what model or year, every damn time I get behind a white honda (or they pull in front of me), they can never quite manage to do the speed limit. We end up cruising along at a nice, cushy "five under" while I stream curses upon them, their mothers, their children, anyone who's ever come into contact with them...

I think I have an anger problem.