Thursday, February 02, 2006
Why People Kill Other People:
Because they fucking deserve it.
You want more elaboration, do you? I can expand on this topic, if you wish. Before I begin, I will need you to do something to facilitate the story-telling process. I will need you to close your eyes for a moment, and picture yourself in morning gridlock traffic from hell. You know, lots of cars and honking and people cutting you off. Lots of mufflers ejaculating their dirty, unwanted exhaust all over your hood in a very degrading yet constant manner. Lots of braking and accelerating, and braking and accelerating, over and over again in a repetitive vicious circle of perpetual torment that makes your head feel like it’s going to explode.
Go ahead, picture it. Take your time. I’ve already written this, so you’re not keeping me waiting, or anything. Sers’ly, whenever you're ready.
… … …
Done? Ok, good. Now we can move on to the telling of my little story. This morning on the way to work was not much different than any other day. There were lots of cars and lots of traffic and lots of waiting around for my turn to drive. There were plenty of stoplights that seemed to wait at least 2 minutes longer to change to green, when I was waiting for them. There were also lots of slow drivers who were radio-dispatched to my location by some omnipotent traffic demigod whom I seem to have insulted at some point in my short but generously fulfilled group-bunny sex life. There were curses and there was fist-shaking, and most people seemed to have a “all for nobody and one for me” philosophy attached to their driving procedure.
It was a normal high-traffic morning.
One thing caught my attention, however. The minivan mom in front of me, who had no kids in the car but drove slow enough to convince you that she might be transporting precious breakables, started to slow down on a major road for apparently no reason whatsoever.
Blood begins to warm.
She then braked completely in the middle of the road, to a dead stop. I slammed on my breaks and frantically began looking around for the wayward child you must have run haphazardly into the street to cause such a random stop in traffic…but to no avail. There was no child, dog, cat, baby, old person, bowling ball, or chicken present anywhere near us. It seemed that the minivan mom had stopped for her own reasons.
Blood begins to steam and agitate.
While I recovered from my near rear-end collision with the crazy braking woman of pain in front of me, I saw her start to wave her hand. Was she waving at me? Was there something on my face? Was she using some sort of code to tell me that she was sorry for ruining my morning commute? What? What was she doing? And then I saw it.
She was waving in the cars waiting on the side street, so they could merge in front of her and join the rest of us in our quest to journey to work.
Blood begins to boil.
Sonofabitch. This evil demon woman regurgitated from the depths of Hades stopped the flow of traffic on a congested, busy street in order to let in other cars who were waiting for their turn on a side street, for no reason. I felt my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as I grinded my teeth and tried with all of my heart to refrain myself from jumping out of the car and pounding on her window in an effort to battle the evil that must have been present within. The cars behind me were honking and shaking their fists, and I began to feel their hatred, which I knew had the power to destroy the weak who were foolish enough to try and combat it.
Then, after she let in 3 waiting cars, she took her clawed foot off of the brake, and began once more to drive forward. The cars behind me stopped honking, and I slowly proceeded forward as I tried to calm myself with deep breaths and calming thoughts:
Maybe she was just being nice; doing her good deed for the day. Maybe she knew what it was like to wait in line like that, on a side street during morning rush-hour. She’s affected by this, the same as the rest of us.
Blood begins to cool down.
She now has to wait longer to get to work, like I do…and those people got a chance to travel. It’s ok, enhance your calm. Enhance your calm…we’re all in this, together. Just breathe and enhance…WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING NOW?!
I shook my head in disbelief at what was unfolding in front of me. This woman had stopped traffic for about 30 seconds while she let in not one, not two…but three cars into her lane. She had endangered the lives of the cars behind her, and she had royally pissed me off. Now she had the balls to turn off the road and head for the highway a mere 5 seconds after she let all of those cars in.
Blood begins to rapidly boil again!
I couldn’t believe it. After all of that? After the waiting and the merging and the waving cars in, she simply changed lanes and merged onto the highway, leaving the rest of us to deal with the congestion and extra cars that she had created in her wake. She was a hurricane of destruction and pain; she was the anti-Christ of motor vehicles. She was a demon. Evil is real, kids.
And THAT is why people kill other people: Because they fucking deserve it.