Friday, October 28, 2005
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Me: Yeah I'm sure it will, you silly bastard.
Voice Recording: What?
Voice Recording: Did you just say something?
Voice Recording: Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure you said something.
Me: Nope. You must be hearing things. Now, turn on that funky Musak for my listening pleasure.
Voice Recording: I don't appreciate that, you know.
Voice Recording: You, calling me names. I'm just doing my job. You don't have to verbally attack me. It's not like I can control how many people call in at any given point.
Me: You're right. I'm sorry...I'm just frustrated at the moment. It's not your fault.
Voice Recording: Thanks. Trust me, your call will be answered in the order it was received. I promise.
Me: Ok, thanks.
Voice Recording: Don't mention it. Here comes the Musak.
Buycostumes.com: Thank you for calling buycostumes.com! How can I help you?
Me: You suck.
Buycostumes.com: Ok then. I assume that this is not a customer satisfaction phone call?
Me: In the sense that my customer satisfaction is in negative numbers, it is.
Buycostumes.com: Super. Just what I needed, today. More complaints.
Me: Maybe if you didn’t suck so bad, you wouldn’t get so many complaints.
Buycostumes.com: Touché. How can I help you?
Me: I ordered a costume from you on Monday. I paid for it, and then you shipped it.
Me: Today, it was delivered to my doorstep.
Buycostumes.com: Was the box broken?
Buycostumes.com: Go on.
Me: I took the box inside and opened it, only to discover that it was the wrong costume.
Buycostumes.com: Are you sure?
Buycostumes.com: Are you sure, that it was the wrong costume?
Buycostumes.com: What did you order?
Me: Item number 133994. It's a pirate costume.
Buycostumes.com: And what did you receive?
Me: Not a pirate costume.
Buycostumes.com: Humor me. What did you get?
Me: You sent me an executioner costume.
Buycostumes.com: Wow, that's not even close!
Me: I know.
Buycostumes.com: So, what do you want from me?
Me: The pirate costume I paid for.
Buycostumes.com: Ok, let me check on something.
Buycostumes.com: That particular costume is currently out of stock.
Me: Of course it is.
Buycostumes.com: I take it, that you do not like the executioner costume we sent you?
Me: No. It’s lame.
Buycostumes.com: Fine. Is there another costume you would like?
Me: Sure. How about a pirate?
Buycostumes.com: Nice try. We're out of pirate costumes.
Me: ALL of them?
Buycostumes.com. Yes, all of them.
Me: This is yet another example of why you suck.
Buycostumes.com: I knew you would say that.
Me: So what do you suggest I do?
Buycostumes.com: I can either refund your money, or you can trick-or-treat as an executioner.
Me: I'm 27.
Buycostumes.com: Pardon me?
Me: I'm 27 years old…I don’t go trick-or-treating anymore.
Buycostumes.com: I see. Well, you can just send back the executioner costume and I'll refund your money. Then everybody is happy.
Me: Not really.
Buycostumes.com: Why is that?
Me: Because that doesn’t change the fact that I have no costume to wear for the parties I'm attending this weekend.
Buycostumes.com: That is a pickle.
Me: I thought so. How can you help me?
Buycostumes.com: I could find you a pirate costume.
Buycostumes.com: But I don't have any, so I won't.
Me: ...I hate you.
Buycostumes.com: I know. Do you want me to go into the warehouse and see if I can find a pirate costume for you?
Me: Gee, that would be swell.
Buycostumes.com: I thought you'd like that. Please hold.
Buycostumes.com: Ok, I'm back. It turns out that your costume is still here...it was never shipped .
Me: You're just messing with me now, aren't you?
Buycostumes.com: No, really. I found it under some magazines. I'll go ahead and ship it out today, so you should have it by tomorrow.
Me: Good deal. What about this lame executioner costume?
Buycostumes.com: Send it back to me.
Me: Will you pay for that?
Buycostumes.com: You are a picky little bastard, aren't you?
Me: I guess I am. Are you going to pay for that?
Buycostumes.com: Fine. I'll send you a check.
Me: Good. So my pirate costume is coming to me tomorrow?
Me: If you're trying to pull a fast one on me, I swear on everything holy that I will fucking kill you.
Buycostumes.com: Understood. Anything else I can do for you, today?
Buycostumes.com: Thanks for calling buycostumes.com, and have a great day!
Me: Thank you.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Has anybody else noticed the lack of scary movies on television this week? This is supposed to be the time of year when we have the opportunity to watch our favorite scary movie favorites like Friday the 13th, Poltergeist, and Freddy Got Fingered. This is the week when you should hear fake Halloween adjectives like ‘spooktacular’ and ‘fright-tastic’ describe upcoming events. I can remember growing up and not being able to turn on the TV without running into a Dracula movie or seeing somebody hacked into itty-bitty bits around this time of year. This year I’ve actually been searching for scary things to watch, and so far my search has yielded a strong desire to punch my couch, and nothing more.
I could start on a rant about how Halloween has become too sissy in recent years, and how the corporate commercialization has turned its collective head away from ghouls and goblins and instead begun to market things like a new Paris Hilton Halloween Special on Fox, complete with advertisements for a new politically correct costume for all ages that is family fun and environmentally safe, rather than scary. I won’t even begin to discuss the lack of blood smears and cobwebs around this office….please don’t get me started. I’m THIS close to going to a party shop today and buying some plastic spiders and skeletons to decorate my cubicle with just to piss off the prissy, goody-two-shoes* coworkers that surround me in this hell hole.
I won’t rant about corporate commercialization, or discuss the lack of spooky decorations. I'll let my favorite squirrel Foamy handle that. Today I choose instead to focus on the lack of adequate scary movies being offered up to us on this pre-Halloween week, and why it is making me punch my stupid couch.
Remember the Great Pumpkin? Sure, you do. When I was young, The Charlie Brown Halloween Special was one of the signs that Halloween was coming soon. I haven’t seen that special for years, and last night as I was flipping channels and punching my stupid couch, I ran across the tail end of it. Oh, spooktacular Halloweeney joy erupted from within my inner child as I watched those goofy kids sitting in the pumpkin patch at night, waiting for the arrival of The Great Pumpkin. As always, watching the special was my signal that it was time to get serious about Halloween.
So last night became a Halloween entertainment quest for Jen and I.
This is when I began to notice the utter lack of anything spooky or freaky or ghoulishly terrific on the television, and I began to hear that little cynic inside my head start to shout out curses at parent’s groups and religious zealots who think Halloween is a Satan holiday, so they pull holiday programming to help save our children. Ignoring the little voice, I continued to flip channels in search of something that would help keep me in the Halloween mood…to no avail.
I was thwarted. There was nothing scary to watch, and the thought of another night of sitcoms and courtroom dramas filled me with enough dread to host two of my own Halloween specials at the same time, with dancing and cake. Refusing to admit defeat, I grabbed my keys and Jen and I headed to my local rip-off video store to rent some good scary movies to help quell our desire for spooky fun.
Once again, I was brutally rebuffed. My choices ranged from Anacondas 2 to Mosquito Boy, or some such shit. Where were the good scary movies? We asked the guy working the counter if he could point us to the “good horror movie” section, only to be told that they didn’t have one. We even asked for Psycho…a great scary movie…a classic. They didn’t fucking have it.
Somebody shoot me.
We settled on the remake of The Amityville Horror and headed home to watch our movie in peace and spooky quiet. Expecting a crap film, I poured myself a bourbon and settled down for what would most likely be another boring movie night during a crappy week of non-Halloween entertainment sitting on my stupid couch.
We watched it. I peed myself. Twice. On my couch. While screaming. Like a little girl. The movie was freaky, spooktacular, scary Halloween fun that made me a kid again in the sense that I called my mom and asked her to come over and tuck me in. With the light on. Don’t turn that fucking light off, mom or I'll fucking kill you. Crack the door, too. Shut the closet. Give me the shotgun. Holy crap that movie was creepy.
I’m not saying it was the scariest movie ever made, nor am I saying that it was the best horror film I’ve ever seen…I’m simply saying that I peed myself twice on my couch while screaming like a little girl as I watched it. I urge you to draw your own conclusions.
So my quest for scary Halloween entertainment was not in vain; I scared myself silly and went to bed being wary of noises and shadows…good times!
Happy Almost Halloween.
Happy oh my fucking God what the fuck is that in the corner with a knife?! Ahhhhhhhhhh!
This is really scary
So is this
*I apologize for using the phrase "goody-two-shoes", but I could think of no other group of words that would adequately describe the situation.
**If you didn't check out the Foamy Halloween rant cartoon, you really should do that.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Ok let’s begin. For some reason, on the way to work today I had the song from Mortal Kombat in my head, and I have no idea how it got there. Also, on the way to work yesterday, I was listening to the radio and managed to catch Ice, Ice Baby and The Humpty Dance in a back-to-back retro request hour. I couldn’t help but get jiggy with it in my car as I attempted to ignore the people watching me.
Sometimes I wonder if people are watching me that are dead. Then I start to wonder if I am watching myself, as I am dead. You see, if you look at the universe as it probably is, which is a state of time being a relative and ignorable event, you can theorize that after we die, we will no longer be linear, time-based beings…but all time beings, all at once. If this is the case, then I wonder if my dead, timeless self is watching my present self RIGHT NOW. Then I wave.
I really like the little envelopes that pop up in the bottom right corner of the computer screen, letting me know that new mail has just arrived. It makes me feel happy that somebody is taking the time to send something to me. Then I begin to wonder who it is, and try to guess. 80% of the time, I am correct. I don’t know where I got the 80% figure…I just made it up. It could be a completely different number.
I like Halloween, a lot. I’ve always liked it, and not just the candy thing. That never was that exciting to me, to be honest. I just liked going around and going to strange houses and dressing up and being different for a change. I like it now, because it is such a sexy holiday. SO SEXY…some of the outfits girls wear on Halloween are border-whore outfits but none of us care because it is Halloween and anything goes. You could see a nerd librarian girl dressed up like a hooker on Halloween, and that makes it a sexy holiday.
What happened to the show Dead Like Me? I wasn’t a huge fan of it, but I watched a lot of the episodes and I thought the premise was pretty entertaining, but I just realized I haven’t seen it in a long time. Speaking of TV shows, mine are starting to piss me off. Lost can suck my nuts…seriously. I think this is my last season. Prison Break is still good, but it’s starting to get cheesy.
Shhh! It’s quiet. Yeah, a little too quiet.
This is easy. Yeah, a little too easy.
Look! There’s Raph! Yeah….a little too Raph.
That was the most obscure TMNT reference ever. I hope at least one person picked up on it. If not, then I feel like a complete dork. I'm not even sure which movie came from...the second one, I think. I remember Vanilla Ice was in it, as well. Creepy. That's the second time I've thought about him today. That's 2 times, too many.
Now I’m thinking about dead people watching me, and how sexy Halloween is. So I’m both turned on, and freaked out at the same time. Reminds me of my first time. WOW. I have not that about that for a long time…my first time. It wasn’t that great, but the first time never is, they say. It was just the fact that I had finally had sex. The big S. I’m pretty sure I lasted a whole 15 seconds and that might be an exaggeration, but I’m not sure. The girl was weird and I didn’t even like her that much…but she was willing to sleep with me, and so that counted for something. Looking back, I should have stayed home and watched TV.
Chili’s has much better boneless buffalo wings than Applebee’s. I’m not even hungry right now, so I’m not sure where that came from. Damn my head is full of random crap, isn’t it?
I think I should stop, now. It’s getting pretty crowded up in my brain, and it’s starting enjoy this whole random thing a little too much. A little too Raph. I need to stop now.
Happy Tuesday. I’m going to start saying that everyday until somebody says it back to me. Then I’ll stop for a week, and probably start it up again because it’ll be funny in a strange, delayed way. People like delays.
PS: Go to Google Images and type in Ice, Ice Baby and see what the first result is. NOT what I expected to get. Talk about random.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Oh, wait…it IS fucking cold outside. Happy friggin Monday, indeed. Bah.
I trust that you all had a pleasant weekend filled with drunken debauchery, group bunny, and sinful amounts of takeout food? If not, then at the very least I sincerely hope that you had the chance to do things that brought you joy. As for myself, I spent most of the weekend at home, doing chores and relaxing and working off the horrible hangover that was produced from Friday night’s activities.
What’s that, you say? You’d like to know more? Well, kiddies…grab some carpet and tie your shoes, because I’ll tell you more about my exciting Friday night if you are good.
Friday night, we all went out to a comedy troupe in Lawrence (home of the University of Kansas) called The Victor Continental Show. It’s a comedy show filled with sketch comedy, drinking games, and local humor. The host of the show calls himself Victor Continental, and his character is very similar to a drunken, horny Ricky Ricardo. It’s a good time, and a chance to get wasted during an interactive show while watching some pretty humorous skits about anything from Evolution in Kansas, to strippers with nipple stickers. Good times, indeed.
Speaking of the show, I just found out that my girlfriend is a mini-celebrity because of last year’s performance. As I said, some of the show is interactive, and sometimes Victor brings people up on stage for various comedic reasons. Sometimes he even brings people up on stage for a combination of comedic and sexual reasons. My girlfriend is one such example.
I won’t bore you with details…since it’s much easier to just let you watch the video!!! She’s only in the first minute of the video, but feel free to watch more of the show, if you are so inclined. Jen got to get up on stage and receive a free shirt for doing nothing more than showing her ass and being a little bit smutty. Not in a tacky way, though…in a very cute, sexy way. I’m proud of her.
Anyway, the show was great and we all had a really good time. I managed to drink way too much again, and that caused problems for me later on. We stayed up late and had fun and I got home late and got a chance to make up for all the regurgitation I missed out on last weekend, so that was good. Saturday was spent in recover mode, and Sunday was reserved for laundry and apartment cleanup.
Not the most exciting weekend, but at least I had a blast on Friday night. Sadly, Jen didn’t get up on stage again...but I did see a drunken girl in a cocktail dress pull her dress all the way up to show her ass to the crowd; so that was a good time. Later on, I saw the same poor girl outside on the curb with her legs spread open while she smoked a cigarette and had a very drunken conversation with her female friend, who was completely oblivious to her friend’s new found desire for attention.
Gotta love college towns.
Some of you may have noticed the new look of my blog! Some of you may not know what the hell I am talking about because you are too busy soaking up my wit and knowledge to worry about things like templates. In any case, I have a new blog template. Thanks so much to Cricket for helping me out with my new look. When I say “helping out” of course I mean “doing the whole thing herself”. She came up with the design and made the changes and I think she did a great job! Now you can all be jealous because I got one of the new Ultimate Blog Makeovers! Thanks again, Cricket!
Monday’s joke of the day:
There were three men stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. One day the island natives surrounded them, unhappy to see Americans on their island. The angry chief gave them a choice. "Death or unga-bunga?" He shouted.
The first man really didn't want to die, so he chose unga-bunga. The entire tribe then bent him over a fallen tree, and butt-fucked him.
The second man said, "Man, I don't want to sound gay or anything, but I definitely don't want to die either. Okay....unga-bunga." The entire tribe bent him over a fallen tree and butt-fucked him.
The third man, disgusted by his friends' decisions, shouted, "Death!" To that, the chief shouted, "Death by unga-bunga!"
Random Blog Post Using the Term "Bunny":
Amanda's Blog (check out item #2)
PS: Anybody know what happnened to Ashley? Her site is still down...
Thursday, October 20, 2005
All of us have embarrassing stories. For some of us, they are simply interesting and humorous anecdotes used to amuse our friends at cocktail parties and break the ice during social situations. You get together with a group of your friends, you have a few beers… and before you know what’s going on, somebody at the table is commenting on the time that you ended up in your underwear on top of the roof singing the Oscar-Meyer Wiener song. These stories are a chance for us to remember the past, and to laugh at ourselves. We enjoy telling stories, even the ones that embarrass us…because some stories are just too good to stay hidden within the confines of our intricate minds.
I have one such story.
I have often said, that my freshman year in college was one of the best years of my life. It is my opinion that this story will help to show why I believe that to be the case. That year was filled with new experiences, both good and bad. Sometimes, the levels at which I succeeded in certain areas were only rivaled by the levels at which I failed. Freshman year can be hard on many students, but at times I felt I was having an easier time, than most. I loved being at school and I loved doing the things I did to be a part of it. The emotions and memories of that time seem so surreal to me now; as if they had happened to somebody else. Certain memories, however, are so clear in my mind it is as if they happened yesterday.
This is one such memory.
The year was 1996, my freshman year at the University of Kansas. It was when the weather was still warm, and the grass was still green. It was time for another home football game for the KU Jayhawks, and the atmosphere was buzzing with the excitement of college athletics. People were streaming into the stadium, their hands holding flags and beers. Families, students, alumni, sportscasters….the crowd seemed to get larger and larger with each minute that passed as I stood nearby watching. This was college at its finest, when the students ruled the school and not the other way around. We were the masters of our domain, and this was our time, and I was a part of it.
I was a yell-leader that year, and I loved every moment that I was a part of the squad. It was my way of being a part of something that was beyond control, beyond explanation. I was a part of something so special, so untouched by reality, that it could not be washed away by any flood or struck down by any wrathful god. As college students, our time was immortal, and we were warriors of our own destinies. For universities like KU, school spirit is not a subtle suggestion, it is a way of life. It was our religion. Game days were our Sabbath, our holy day…and I was a part of it.
The weather that day was perfect for the explosive emotional drama that was college athletics. The air was crisp and clean, and the skies were deep blue. The stadium had already begun to fill, and as I prepared for the game with the rest of the squad I began to get excited. I had already begun to get the nervous feeling in my stomach, as the moment when I would step out onto that field approached. Soon it was time, and I was running out into the stadium and cheering along with the rest of the school as our football team came charging onto the field of battle. Another college football game had begun.
The game itself was the same as always, which is to say it was chaotic and full of life. The stands erupted with each new play, and each first down brought out new life in us as we willed our team to victory with yells and cheers. The energy around me was overpowering as floods of emotional waves crashed onto me with each new cheer and back flip. As our team prepared to score its first touchdown of the day, the yell-leaders prepared for the lap of victory.
The lap of victory involved 6 yell-leaders and 6 flags. Each man would carry a flag with its own letter, spelling out K-A-N-S-A-S. We would then wave the flags above our heads, and run around the stadium track in a celebratory ritual that caused the students to erupt into louder cheering. It was almost time for our first victory lap, and we were ready.
As it turned out, we were not going to get a touchdown on that drive, and so humbly we went back to our cheer line to continue to rally the students and create excitement in the crowd. Suddenly, the stadium burst into applause as our team managed to get into the end-zone for its first touchdown of the game, and an un-expected one at that. My coach yelled for us to grab the flags, and run the lap of victory while we were still young. We each bolted towards the flags on the ground, and grabbed them quickly as we began to run around the track to the cheers of the stadium. I grabbed my flag and started after the man in front of me, holding my letter A proudly above my head. I was the 5th letter in the group, and so I was the 2nd man to start running the victory lap.
As we ran around the track, the cheers of my classmates rang in my ears in a deafening roar of college spirit. I puffed out my chest and held my head high, and I ran holding onto my flag as the wind whipped against it, trying to pull it from my grasp. I tightened my grip, and continued to run, keeping in line with the man in front of me and watching the faces of the crowd as I ran by them.
Soon I began to notice that many of the faces were not cheering, but laughing. They pointed and laughed and took pictures. The roar of the crowd filled the stadium as we ran along holding our flags, and yet the more people I looked at as I passed, the more I saw laughter and pointing. I began to feel naked in a room full of strangers, and suddenly the need to drop my flag and run away began to grow within me. As we neared completion of our victory lap, I saw my coach running towards us, waving her arms wildly and yelling something. The noise in the stadium was too much, and so we could not make out her words. As she got closer we began to hear parts of what she was saying, and from the tone to her voice, she was not happy. As she ran up to us, she yelled so loudly and gestured so perfectly, there was no doubt as to what she was now saying to us:
“You idiots! Drop the flags, quick! Don’t you morons realize you ran out of order? You spelled it wrong! Goddammit we’re on television right now…everybody is watching this! Drop the flags! You spelled Kansas wrong!”
I slowly looked up at my flag, and felt my stomach turn upside-down inside my belly. I was not holding the letter A, as I should have been. I was holding the letter S. Somehow, the flags for man #5 (me) and man #4 had be switched in the confusion, and we had effectively spelled out the word K-A-N-A-S-S for the entire stadium to see.
KANASS. We had run around the track triumphantly displaying flags that not only spelled our state wrong, but included a profanity at the same time. Everybody in the school who was watching that game saw me holding the wrong flag. Everybody who was watching the game on TV saw me holding the wrong flag. I spelled Kansas wrong, and even though it wasn’t my mistake, the blame fell on me nonetheless. I was “Kanass” for the next 3 years in college. My fraternity never let me live it down, much to their amusement. My mother was at that football game, taking pictures and being proud of her little Kanass idiot. My friends laughed at me, along with the entire stadium that day.
Later on, I heard tell that our little mishap had ended up on ESPN Sportscenter…college bloopers and blunders of the week, or some such thing. I never saw the broadcast, but to this day I look back on the whole thing, and laugh. I was on ESPN, and not many of my friends can say that. The story has become a mini-legend within my social group, and I’m sure one day I will proudly tell my children the story of the time their father was on ESPN for one brief, shining moment. I was KANASS the immortal.
It was just another reason that we were immortal in those days, and why my freshman year at KU was one of the best of my life. I don’t look back on that day with any sense of dread or embarrassment, but of fondness. That day was a great day.
Of course, that was only the first time I was on ESPN’s Sportscenter…but we’ll save that story, for another time.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters, ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:
I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Ricky
Monday, October 17, 2005
I had a good weekend. Nothing uber-exciting happened, for the most part. Sadly to say, there was no group bunny or anything that might come close to resembling group bunny. But I did have a lot of fun, and that is all that matters. I'm not too thrilled to be back at work already, but at least I'm not depressed about it this morning and that is saying something. I've decided that with my good mood, I shall include some new Shanshu Lists. I hope everybody has a great Monday, and enjoy.
Weekend by the Numbers:
-Number of times hung-over this weekend: 2
-Number of times somebody threw up in my toilet this weekend: 3
-Number of times I threw up in my toilet this weekend: 0
-Number of different breasts touched: 3
-Number of hors' dourves eaten: 1
-Number of times somebody mixed red and white wine into my glass: 2
-Number of paper napkin flowers created: 3
-Number of girls seduced by paper napkin flowers: 0
-Number of alien anal probes: 0
-Amount of time spent recovering from "the night before": 12.3 hours
-Amount of time spent sleeping: 14 hours total
-Average age of women at Friday's party: 42
-Average age of women at Saturday's party: 22
-Number of times I was flirted with this weekend: 0 (Can you believe that?)
-Number of embarrassing stories told: 2
-Number of times Pizzle drunkenly said "I love you, man" : 3
-Number of times Pizzle drunkenly said "I love you, man" to a potted plant: 1
-Amount of time spent laughing about Chaos Theory: 37 minutes
-Number of times I was woken up by a drunk person: 3
-Amount of fun I had this weekend: Oodles
Other Fun Weekend Facts:
-At one point this weekend, a guy I did not know came up to me and proceeded to tell me what the best part of his wife giving birth was. Apparently, this man felt that it was very exciting that his wife took her clothes off in a room with a nurse. He then told me that it was "the closest any man will ever get to 2 naked women in the same room" while slapping my back in an inappropriately affectionate way. I tried very hard to keep my mouth shut about all of the group bunny this poor bastard was missing. It was all I could do to keep myself from blurting out, "That's the closest you will ever get to your wife and another woman, pal. Now back up, because you're standing on my dick."
-I got much too wasted at Friday's party. At one point, I actually began to tell embarrassing stories about myself, with absolutely no coercion from anybody else.
-There are 2 containers of leftover Chinese food in the fridge right now with no food in them... just rice. I guess we all felt that at some point in the near future, we would need that rice to cook something.
-I now have 14 liters of Coke products in my kitchen that are leftovers from Friday's party. We also have about 4 liters of excess alcohol, 2 bottles of wine, and half a bag of Pizza Rolls.
-I can't really go into more detail about this for fear that it might make us look incredibly lame, but at one point this weekend something funny happened. Something happened that was so funny, Pizzle and myself laughed about it so hard and long, I'm pretty sure I broke something inside myself. It became the new weekend inside-joke, and I'm fairly certain that at my wedding, Pizzle will lean over and whisper something relating to said funny event, and I will proceed to crack up uncontrollably and get left at the altar by my very pissed off ex-girlfriend. It was THAT FUNNY.
-I got to spank Jen with a horse-whip and it made the entire apartment take notice. Unfortunately, she did not whinny.
Things I came to realize this weekend:
-In all 3 Die Hard movies, Bruce Willis is teamed up with a sidekick/partner/friend who happens to be black. I'm not sure what Hollywood is trying to say about this, but if I had to guess I would say it is something to do with muffins.
-I enjoy going to cocktail parties for the following reason: It's like a big cover-up. Everybody there is drinking, and you can get as drunk as you want, as long as you keep yourself in check and keep your manners above par. It's almost an example of how rich people do the same things that poor people do, they just do it with more class. I might have to expand on this idea sometime.
-If you are hiding from terrorists, just find a dark corner and try not to move for approximately 30 seconds, and they will give up the search and go back to what they were doing.
-At Saturday's party, Pizzle and I became drunk from an assortment of wine. During this process, we began to be extra-happy and funny. I have decided to dub this new experience "Happy Wine Drunk" or HWD.
-Most girls do not like having their toes messed with.
-You can watch 3 hours of Discovery channel and not get any smarter.
-Orange Juice, while tasty, is a horrible hangover drink if you have too much of it.
-General Tso's chicken is just as good to eat while it's cold.
-Carpet holds smells...I will explain no further.
-If you're hanging on a ledge, and your partner is above you covering your position: do not let him drop down on top of your head because you will lose almost half of your life bar.
-There is no problem that lying in bed all day can't solve.
Friday, October 14, 2005
You feel nothing for me,
I hurt for that.
All my embraces are gone,
stolen by his arms.
He whispers, you listen.
I can't hear.
Why did we grow apart?
Why did you leave?
You find comfort with him
and never again with me.
Lost, aching, alone.
My heart breaks everyday
Bleeding, it screams for you.
Only for you.
The pain remains.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
If you look to your right, you will notice that I have put my blog links in alphabetical order in appropriate anal-retentive fashion. Please note that this does nothing for the overall appearance of my blog; it simply helps me to feel clean. You may now clap for me.
I got the chance to chat with HMH today. It’s always fun to chat with fellow bloggers, in my opinion. That puts my total up to 2, which is twice as high as the previous record of blogger chat buddies, so that shows great social improvement. You may now clap for me a second time.
I considered posting some of my poetry today, including the poem I had “published” back in college. In the end I decided that most of my readers would not care to see that side of me, and so I held back. Perhaps I will share the Sappy Shanshu with you in the future, but for now you’ll have to make do with tales of group bunny and rambling rants. Oh, and don’t forget about lists…lists are my bread and buttah, bitches.
I also considered posting the first part of a story I am currently working on…I’m still undecided on that one, at the moment. I might end up leaving that up to a vote, or something. It won’t be today, so there’s not really a point in bringing it up. You may not clap for me a third time.
I think I will get back to work now, before this post starts to suck ass. Stay tuned for more blogging brilliance and witty writing, or more words that start with the same letter!
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Monday, October 10, 2005
You know what really grinds my gears? The way that marketers and advertisers price things that we purchase using almost whole numbers like $19.95 or $9.99 or $29.98…are these fucking people kidding? Do they honestly believe that a person is going to be looking at the price for a movie, and say to themselves “Wow…only $15.99! That’s only $15 for a movie, but I expected to pay $16…what a great price!”. Is that the thought-process they were shooting for when they took off A PENNY and hoped that the American public would buy into their crap? I guess they seem to think that people will think they are getting a better deal, or that the item in question is less money than originally expected, purely on the basis of our in-ability to round decimals.
Well, guess what: we are not as dumb as you think we are, marketing executives!!
Since we were children, we were taught in math class to round up. It was drilled into our brains, along with the I before E rule and the Sex leads to STD’s and babies, ALWAYS rule. We have been taught how to do it…we are good at it. It’s a fairly simple concept to grasp, too.
For the marketing and advertising people out there that like to use the $19.95 pricing rule, here is a quick lesson in advanced mathematical and decimal theory, done by my friend Billy in the 4th grade:
If the number in the tenths decimal place is higher than, or equal to 5…you round the number to the left of the decimal up by one. This is called rounding up. If the number in the tenths decimal place is lower than 5…you do not change the number to the left of the decimal. This is called rounding down.
Check out these examples for rounding to the nearest whole number:
7.56 = 8
5.34 = 5
132.89 = 133
19.95 = 20
I hope this clears things up, for you idjits out there who like to use the $19.95 rule for consumer pricing. Let me help you out: we are NOT falling for your crap, nor do I think that we ever did, to begin with. I don’t know anybody lame enough to think that $32.99 equals $32….not one damn person. Hey, marketers! Do you think we are retarded? Do you think we cook our bacon in the freezer, or wear our socks on our heads? Do you see me counting on my fingers when trying to calculate how many times I’ve fucked your wife? No. Please stop treating us like morons. Some of us are partially educated, you know.
People instinctively round numbers...usually up. Look at time, as another example. Who looks at the clock that reads 2:59 pm and says, “Wow! It’s only 2:00! I have plenty of time to make it to my 3:00 meeting! I think I’ll go play in traffic for a while!”
Does anybody do that? No. Why not? Because it’s fucking stupid. Why would pricing be any different? No reason, whatsoever. So why does every price end with .95 or .99 or .98 or some other derivation? There are only 2 possible answers:
1-The people that price these things assume that we are the stupidest creatures to ever walk the face of the earth, since the Dodo bird.
2-The people that price these things are stupid because their parents were brother and sister.
That’s the only logical conclusion to make from the data given to us. Either they think we are stupid, or they are stupid. I’m not sure which one it is, although the latter sounds much better. Truthfully, the answer must be the first one…they assume we are idiots, that cannot think for ourselves.
Now, I’ve seen enough proof in this country on a daily basis to prove that most of the people we interact with on a daily basis are complete morons. However, even a moron can tell you that 3.99 rounds up to 4. Nobody walks into McDonald’s with 99 pennies, hoping to purchase a cheeseburger. They know that numbers round up, and there is this other magical thing called TAXES that make the numbers go up, even higher.
So marketing and advertising people in charge of consumer pricing: please stop this ridiculous pricing strategy, because it’s insulting and makes us angry. And you don’t want to see us angry…we might come to your house and beat you within .99 inches of your life.
Random thought of the day: This morning while watching CNN in the lobby of my office building, the headline at the bottom of the screen read “Military Quake Aid” and I wondered to myself, “What is a military quake?"
Friday, October 07, 2005
- $1,000,000 in un-marked, non-sequential bills
- Group bunny with somebody famous or semi-famous or at least somebody who has done some TV commercials
- 1986 Pontiac Fiero (red)
- An iPod Nano
- A Nintendo Gamecube so I can purchase the new Legend of Zelda game
- An entire case of wine/mead
- Naked pictures of my 4th grade English teacher, Mrs. Kennedy
- A katana sword
- A time-travel device that also makes ice cream
- 2 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a sesame seed bun
- A date with a blogger gal
- A law, signed by myself and the President of the United states, which will make Reality TV illegal and punishable by death
- The Boondock Saints sequel
- My very own laptop
- One word: Oakley's
- A new tattoo that makes me look both sexy, and sophisticated
- A package of Oreo cookies and a glass of milk
- A leather-bound copy of Maxim
- A box of Puffs Plus with aloe
- A battery for my broken silver watch
- Charisma Carpenter's home phone number
- 17 rubber bands
- The ability to stop the beating of a frog's heart using only the power of my mind
- One of the original 20 great Rings of Power
- Ankle-high socks with navy blue trim
- One bottle of ice-cold root beer
- A Pink Lady golf ball
- A house with a big yard and a finished basement
- Peace on earth, and goodwill towards men
- The original Optimus Prime Transformers toy
- A pair of twin golden Beretta guns with holsters
- A tea cozy
- A hole in my bedroom wall that lets me see into the fabric of time and space
- A puppy that doesn't move unless I pet it
- A knife that cuts bread and toasts it, at the same time
- A weekly magazine that keeps me up to date on world news, politics, and entertainment
- Oral sex from Jenna Jameson
Thursday, October 06, 2005
The hangover was upon me. All hope of a good day was spoiled from the moment I tumbled out of bed and crawled into the bathroom to put on my face.
After I had finished the process of making myself look semi-presentable, I walked outside to start the day and was greeted by the spectacular image of morning dew, golden sunshine, and stewn-about garbage on the grass. It seems that during the night, some ill-mannered nocturnal beast had decided that the treasures he sought would be found in my trash bag. The little fucker ripped a huge hole into my plastic garbage holding device and then proceeded to throw about its contents with little care for public cleanliness. The lawn was littered with tissues, empty food boxes, and one or two female preventive leakage devices.
Cursing outloud and shaking my fist towards the woods, I began to pick up the trash and re-package my mess into a new plastic garbage holding device. After setting it down and casting numerous anti-creature spells, I headed to my car to begin my wonderful morning commute.
Hangovers. Trash. Nocturnal garbage destroyers. Thursday has been shaping up to be another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. With any luck, my boss will come into my cubicle and kick me square in the nuts so my morning can be complete.
Happy FUCKING Thursday.
Shanshu's Quick List of Mini Anecdotes and Advice From Last Night:
- For my buddy Mike, "Let's all go out to dinner" actually translates to "I'm going to make you drink so much, you'll forget your gender."
- Following up a rum and coke with a Jagerbomb and then following THAT up with a Rock Lobster shot is a sure-fire way to ensure that you will say or do something extremely stupid in the next 6 hours.
- You shouldn't light a candle with the end of your index finger.
- It's a good idea to NOT have a genital-measuring contest while still at the bar.
- Several times throughout the course of the evening, we toasted to something Irish and then forgot what we toasted to, and so had to do it a second time. Thanks a fucking lot, Ireland.
- After partaking in a certain herbal refreshment, a certain blonde female informed me that "tap water tastes REALLY good".
- Wine doesn't make a very good night-cap after an evening of power drinking.
- I had such a realistic dream last night, that after waking up from a state of drunken hibernation I had to convince myself that I was no longer in prison with the cast from The Golden Girls.
- When somebody starts busting out photo albums from college after a night of shooters, it's time to go home.
- Always...no, wait. NEVER go out in a blizzard.
- When you say "Show me your tits!", be sure to specify you want to see a girl's tits.
- "Sweater Meat" is not the best way to refer to a woman's breasts.
- Never order enchiladas from a fern bar.
- $2.50 for a rum and coke is another example of how awesome this country is.
- There is no acceptable way to work the phrase "face-fucking" into a civilized conversation.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
10 Things I'd like to see come back:
- Slap Bracelets
- Land of the Lost
- RCA VideoDiscs
- Funny Saturday Night Live episdoes
- That balloon I let go when I was 5
- The legal beating of wives with a stick no bigger than the husband's thumb
- 3-2-1 Contact
- Theatric Porn
- Frankenfurters (those hot dogs with chili in the middle!)
- 1986 Pontiac Fiero
People I have decided to tag:
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
Super. THAT will make yet another day in corporate hell so much better…not being able to see the crappy work I don’t want to do, in the first place.
I’m not sure if that last sentence was sarcasm, or not. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.
Today is just not a good day for me. I’m not in the mood to be here…not that I’m ever in the mood to be here, but some days are worse than others. Some days, I am able to cope with being stuck in this cubicle doing monkey work and watching the clock. Sometimes, the time actually seems to go by at a fairly decent rate and I don’t mind being here as much. Other days, like today…suck worse than anything has ever sucked before.
Sometimes I wonder why I don’t just quit this place and then I remember those pesky bills and rent pppaymehtnts ansd i………godddammet coontacct lenseses! I kan’t shee whut I’m tyyping! Argh!
You see my desperation? Even my eyes aren’t playing by the rules…no part of my body wants to be here today. Maybe I should just jump the wall, and make a break for it. I bet the guards won’t be able to get a clean shot off in time. I’ve been watching Prison Break on Fox, so I think I’ve got enough knowledge stored away in my brain for some serious genius at the artistry of escape. Wish me luck, and if you don’t hear from me…it means I made it, and I’m sitting on the beach in Oak Island drinking a Pina Colada and thinking of you.
I’ve decided that sentence up there was sarcasm. Oh, and if you want to try and cheer me up with tales of bunny or corporate escape attempts, I have added my email address to my profile page. So feel free to drop me a line. I'm going to head to the bathroom and see if I can scrub my eyes clean with a pencil eraser.