Friday, December 23, 2005

Annoying to the Point of Homicidal Thoughts

You know what I hate most about New Year's? Not the parties or the countdowns, or even those lame noise-makers. What I hate about New Year's Eve is the fact that people try to be clever by saying the following phrase:

"See you next year!"

I fucking hate that. The people who say that think they're being so clever, too. They're hoping that somebody is going to hear that and say "What do you mean? Why won't I see you for a whole year?" and then they can be all smug and witty and say "Well, you'll see me tomorrow...that's next year. Ha ha! Got you! I'm so much smarter than you!"

Fucking lame.

Somebody said that to me today and I almost choked them.

Happy Holidays!!!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

MS Outlook 2003 Can Suck Me

While my current political affiliation remains a mystery, there are other areas of my life which I can accurately describe as being super-conservative. One of these areas would be the idea of change. Specifically, the idea of changes to things that I use on a daily basis, like my computer setup and workstation. Now, I’m not afraid of change…I like things to be different and better and more shiny. I do not like changing something that isn’t broken, however. I find that to be simply annoying. Especially when the new version is crappy.

Take my 2002 MS Outlook software at work. It was working fine, and I had it the way I wanted it, and everything was right with the world. Then the fucking Sprint IT guys decided that they wanted me to have MS Outlook 2003. You would think that this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but dammit the programs are as different as black and fuck.

Those crafty IT guys snuck in late last night and installed the new software without my knowledge. I came into work today and booted up my computer only to find that my Outlook taskbar shortcut button had vanished. While cramming that strangeness back away into the “why the fuck did that happen?” portion of my brain, I created a new shortcut button and tried to move on with my life.

Hell no, it wouldn’t be that easy.

There were pop-ups and messages boxes and requests for information. There was a new setup box and configuration settings to deal with, and it even asked me for my name. Here’s my name, MS Outlook 2003: Fuck off. That’s my name. Now go away, and leave me alone.

After the initial setup was complete, I began to browse through my new software, only to be disappointed everywhere I went. New colors and stupid buttons that I don’t need and preview panes and strange boxes and folders in the wrong places….bloody hell, it was chaos in there. I shook my fists at the IT guys and began the process of changing everything back to the way I like it. This process took ten minutes away from my life, that I will never get back.

Even now, I’m not happy with it. The colors are all lame and the shortcut button is screwy. They even put in a second button over near the time section of my desktop, and I can’t make it go away. So now, just in case I’m too stupid to push the regular shortcut button…I have a 2nd one as a backup. Terrific.

That’s what they do sometimes, you know. They change their software because they seem to think that we are all getting dumber while they are getting smarter. They think we can’t find our Calendar by ourselves, so they decide we need a huge fucking button for it that pops up every 5 minutes in case we want to look at it. They assume that we like to have a blaring, huge font title over EACH SEPARATE EMAIL telling us when we received it (“THIS EMAIL IS FROM 1 WEEK AGO” or “THIS EMAIL IS FROM YESTERDAY”) because we are too retarded to look at the Time/Date Stamp that’s always been there.

People…I get a shadow box that pops up now, whenever I get a new email. It pops up and gives me a mini-view of the new email, and then it slowly fades away into nothingness. This box is set to be “always on top” and so far I can’t figure out how to change it (that was not an invitation for you to tell me how in the comments…I will figure it out on my own.) so for now it keeps happening every five minutes when I get a new email. It’s happened twice since I started writing this.

This new Outlook is fucking up my Chi. My Chi is all wrong.

I hate it.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

This is my Santa pen. It was put into my stupid lame "work stocking" the other day. It has a button the back that makes his fists punch, like Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots, or some such shit. I think he's hilarious and I'm probably going to keep him at my desk for awhile, just to keep the joy going.

Happy OSW.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Christmas Party Top 9

In an effort to avoid any embarassing lawsuits from David Letterman or CBS, I am going to offer up to you, my faithful readers, a top 9 list of...

Reasons Why My Christmas Party Rocked:

9. Somebody almost ate the mistletoe even after I told them it was poison
8. A hot girl was already drunk by 8:37pm after arriving at 7:45pm
7. 14 people were invited, yet somehow 23 people showed up
6. I met yet another new reader who assured me she is going to participate in OSW
5. I saw 3 bras and 2 pairs of panties before midnight. Giggidy-Giggidy!
4. Mulled Wine
3. The guy upstairs didn't call the cops on us, even after it was 4:30am
2. There was NO alcohol-induced vomiting on the premises.

And the number one reason why my Christmas Party rocked...

1. Because it was MY Christmas party, bitches. My shit always works, sometimes!!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Pennies: Tiny Copper Spawns of Satan

As some of you may or may not know, I have a slight problem with pennies. I find them to be a worthless part of our currency market, and a blight on the smooth face of our debt-ridden and shabby economy. I used to keep all of my pennies in a big jar, mindlessly adding to my collection after every monetary transaction. I would throw penny after penny into the jar in an effort to save up enough of the small copper bastards to purchase something silly like food or gasoline. Then one day, for reasons unknown even to myself, I began to silently hate them.

Those stupid pennies. They sit there, with their dirty-looking color and their strange, metallic taste. They fill up our pockets and coin purses, taking up space and offering nothing in return. They are lazy. They are almost worthless. It takes 10 of their kind, to add up to the same amount as a dime…which is sleeker, newer, and shinier. Pennies are old school. They are lame. They have outlived their usefulness and it is, in my opinion, time to retire them to the scrap heap. Let’s make muffin tins out of them, or something.

And don’t get me started on the fact that it is the fault of the penny that we are forced to put up with the stupid marketing pricing fad of $19.99, as if that one penny saves you a bunch of money. The penny is not our friend. The proof is everywhere.

Anyway, my hatred of pennies rose to new levels the other night, when they finally found themselves in a position to justify their existence to me in a very annoying way. Let me set the scene for you:

Super Target, 9:30pm. Tuesday night. Cold outside. Shanshu was forced to travel out into the cold, cruel world of holiday shopping earlier than expected, for the fact that he was being prodded into a Corporate Christmas Team-Building Event which involved the decorating of stockings in one of the meeting rooms. Searching the rows and rows of holiday decorations, he was able to find a Christmas stocking for the low price of $0.99 and that was as much money as Shanshu was willing to spend on such a lame meeting idea. He traveled up to the checkout register, and smiled at the Super Target lady.

Shanshu: Hello.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Hello. Is this it?
Shanshu: Yes.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Did you have trouble finding anything?
Shanshu: No.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Ok. That will be $1.06, please.
Shanshu: (digging around in pockets) Oh, gosh. I only have $1.00 on me. Jen, do you have any change on you?
Jen: (digging around purse) Yeah, I have 5 pennies.
Shanshu: That’s it? Hmm. (turning to checkout lady) I guess we only have $1.05, apparently. Do you mind if we’re short by a penny? Heh.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Yes, I mind.
Shanshu: Eh?
Annoying Super Target Checkout Lady: I mind. It’s $1.06, not $1.05…you need a penny.
Jen: Are you…are you serious? It’s a penny.
Annoying Penny Nazi Super Target Checkout Lady: I’m sorry.
Shanshu: (regaining consciousness) Wait…can’t you just…spot us the stupid penny?
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: No. If I do that, my drawer will be off.
Shanshu: By a penny.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Do you have another form of payment?
Shanshu: Well, we wouldn’t want to short your drawer a penny, would we? I guess I’m paying with my credit card.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Fine. Please swipe your card.
Shanshu: (thinking) Can I get cash back with this?
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Sure. How much do you want?
Shanshu: A penny.
Very Angry Annoying Penny Nazi:
Shanshu: Never mind. I’ll just put the $1.06 on my card for now.
Very Angry Annoying Ugly Penny Nazi: Here’s your receipt. Goodbye.
Shanshu: Whatever.
Jen: (handing the checkout lady a penny) Here you go. Here’s a penny for you, in case somebody else today is 1 cent short on their purchase.
Very Angry Annoying Ugly Penny Nazi:
Shanshu: Don’t give her that…now her drawer will be over by a penny.

Pennies suck. I rest my case.

Happy Thursday.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

We spent time today decorating our Christmas stockings for a team builder while we watched a movie and ate pizza. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this sock of Christmas cheer, but I'm sure that it's going to find its place in the world soon enough.

Congrats to last week's OSW winner, Damasta. Her cute little Christmas Tree-Clock combo has to win, for the simple fact that it seems to be somewhat artistic. But everybody had great OSW pics this past was hard to choose a winner. In the end, I went with my gut.

Happy OSW.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

When Did My Opinions Become So Vacillating?

When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I said whatever thought popped into my small but overactive brain in an attempt to learn more about my surroundings and the world to which I was a part of. I was inquisitive and curious, and formed opinions on things quickly and without hesitation. After all, it seemed easy to pick one side of an argument, over the other. Simply examine both sides and choose the one that made the most sense…it was easy. My loyalties were steadfast and I stuck to my guns, no matter how miniscule the topic of discussion happened to be. For instance, I might very well have been seen locked into a wrestling match with somebody who believed that Superman was cooler than Spiderman. Obviously, whatever kid thought that was stupid, and needed my size 5 Velcro shoes up his OshKosh B'Gosh ass. Back then, taking sides seemed natural.

I’m not sure when it happened, or what cathartic event transpired that would cause me to shift my perspective, but lately I have noticed that when it comes to “important” debates I find myself almost always on the fence. I not only see both sides of the argument, but I see them so well and so clearly that I find it hard to form an opinion on which is the “correct” point of view. Many times I have examined something on the news that is causing some form of controversy, only to find myself agreeing with both sides and then moving on with my life. I did not used to be this way. Ask anybody I went to high school with about topics such as abortion, the death penalty, war, homosexuality, sports, racism, or anything else you can think of. The odds are, they will be able to say without hesitation and with little difficulty what my view on that particular issue was at that time. Nowadays, you would be lucky to guess what type of juice I like to drink.

I’m sure that one of the reasons for my recent trend of indecisiveness stems from taking philosophy in college. Those classes are the epitome of there is no answer, which is bound to cause some confusion in opinionated individuals such as myself. When I first read philosophy questions such as “What is truth?” and “Is knowledge even possible?” my mind began to swirl with possibilities and the answers to difficult questions. During my freshman year at college, you could find me muddling over whether or not insects had souls, or find me trying to prove that color is an illusion. I’m fairly certain that it was during this time that my brain began its path towards hesitation and universal agreement. This was also the time that I figured out that sex does not help you find love, and Pro Wrestling is fake.

Another reason that I’ve been sitting on the fence lately is probably caused by time, and its effect on the mind. As I’ve gotten older, some of my opinions have changed based on personal experience and learning. For instance, I used to believe that going to a loud, busy dance club on a Friday night was the best way to hang out with friends and have a good time. Now, I find it is much more enjoyable to go to a bar and socialize with these same friends in an atmosphere that stimulates discussion and laughing. It is more appealing to me, because I have found that the benefits to such an atmosphere outweigh the benefits of going to a dance club. This same style of thought can be applied to other areas of my life, including religion and even food. This is probably why most older people don’t eat Big Macs at 2:00am after a night of heavy drinking and socializing…they’ve figured out that it’s not the best thing to be doing. So maybe we can say that my inability to choose a side comes from just getting older. Now, turn down that damn rap music so I can continue! Damn kids.

I could sit here and write a dozen more reasons for why I find it hard to choose a side, and none of them would come any closer to answering the question that I posed in my title. I could say that it involves the empathy of seeing the other person’s side of things, which makes it harder to continue to see things from my side, alone. I could postulate that my indecisiveness derives from seeing the futility in arguing and debating topics, since talking about something will never change the course that a particular event or topic will travel. Maybe my cynicism doesn’t allow me to form opinions. Maybe I’m afraid to commit to things, now that I’m getting older and the threat of death looms over my head like a black cloud of inevitability. Maybe the decision center of my brain was zapped away by years of fermented hops and bong resin.

The truth is, I’m not positive about why I can’t seem to commit to a side anymore, but I think it has something to do with fear. I think fear may be the cause of most of our problems. Fear motivates us to do wonderful things, this is true…but it also holds us back. It makes us drive slower and eat healthier food and think before we speak. It causes us to look both ways, hold our tongues, and look before we leap. In this world of infinite possibilities and choices, I find it highly plausible that the main reason for me to not choose sides, is because that is the safest route to take. If you don’t form an opinion, then you can’t be wrong. As any poker player will tell you, you can’t lose what you don’t put in the middle. So perhaps I find it is easier to sit on the fence, than to pick a side to jump over to.

If that is the case, then it is unacceptable. We should never be afraid of telling our viewpoints, or taking a side in a debate. So what if you think the wrong thing, or choose the wrong side? You can always change your mind, you have that right. I think it’s written down somewhere. Besides, who is to say that your opinion is necessarily wrong? I’m sure that Superman kid thought he was right, and I was wrong. Big deal. It doesn’t change the fact that we liked different things, and were vocal about it. I’m going to stop being afraid to choose a side. From now on, I’m going to jump off the fence and stick to my guns.

That having been said, I’ve come up with a list of topics, along with the side I have chosen to take for each topic. This is my way of trying to become an opinionated individual, again. Enjoy.

10 Things I Believe in:

-The death penalty
-A higher power and an infinite universe
-Big breasts are attractive
-Country music is crap
-Red meat is good for you
-Stem Cell research is good
-College sports are better than pro sports
-OJ Simpson is guilty
-Michael Jackson is innocent
-Saying "One Nation, Under God" during the Pledge of Allegiance

10 Things I Do Not Believe in:

-Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone
-The Electoral College
-Putting sugar in pasta sauce
-The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was motivated by racism
-Psychotherapeutic drugs
-Enemas make you more healthy
-US Courts favoring the mother for child custody

Some things I'm still on the fence about:

-Big Business
-The new colors of M&M's
-Jokes about Jesus

PS: You had to look up the word vacillating, didn't you? Admit it.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Christmas Bunnies!!!!!

If you're anything like me, then you enjoy a good spanking as much as the next person. You also love Christmas movies, because they put you into a good mood, and remind you of simpler times and holiday cheer. One of my favorite Christmas movies is A Christmas Story, which I'm sure many of you have seen before.

In the spirit of the season, my favorite acting bunnies (not the group kind) have put together a mini-movie of A Christmas Story, done in thirty seconds. Click the pic to check it out:

Happy Friday, everybody! May the spirit if Christmas and the odds of stress and things going wrong swell within you during this holiday season!! And, if you feel the need for spankings, remember it is better to give, than recieve.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

OSW and Shanshu's PC Woes

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!!
This is my Roy Williams bobble-head doll. He used to be the head basketball coach for KU until he sold out and moved back to North Carolina. We miss him terribly, since our team has turned to crap ever since he left.
Sometimes, I have to turn him around because I can't look at his face.

So, here's what happened to me yesterday, in the style of "The Night Before Christmas":

T'was the day before Wednesday and all through my home,

Nobody was stirring, since I was alone.

I went into my den to use my PC,

while visions of Blogging danced around within me.

I noticed some SpyWare and even Viruses, too.

So I decided to get rid of them, with no more ado.

I paid fifty dollars for some software to cure

the spyware and viruses; to kill them for sure.

But what did I see with my own little eyes?

The software was bogus! The fix full of lies!

My money was gone and the Spyware remained,

promises of online safety and protection were feigned.

I cursed and I spat, and shook my fists in the air,

but nobody heard me, there was no one to care.

I called Dell Support and begged them to help me,

and they said they would...for a large fee.

One hundred dollars later and two hours more,

and my computer was more broken, then it was before.

"We cannot fix it." they said and they sounded quite dumb,

while I sat in my den and I sucked on my thumb.

"Your hard drive has crashed, there is nothing to say,

we here at Dell hope you have a very nice day!

"A new hard drive we will send you, and this one will work!"

they told me as I tried to stab my wrist with a spork.

I jumped up and down and felt so much better,

and then I sat down to write a nasty letter.

Screw Hackers! Screw Spammers! Screw all Spyware too!

I wrote about how they had spat on my shoe.

Then I went up to my bank to tell them the story,

only to find out that they had no money for me.

One hundred and Fifty dollars the total I lost,

to learn a good lesson at oh such a cost.

So now I am wiser, and more bitter still.

Of all the spyware and viruses I've had my fill.

So to all of you out there who are not quite protected,

buy up-to-date software or you too will be infected.

So I say to you all, Happy Computing for you!

And to Spyware and Hackers I say fuck off.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Friday Fantabulous

I don't have anything to say, today. I have nothing to say...except to say, that I have nothing to say. So I guess you could say, that I only have one thing to say, which is that I have nothing to say, and that's the one thing I have to say.

So, now that we've cleared that's some pictures of a girl with large breasts who looks 17 years old, but is probably closer to 37 knowing the way Hollywood changes people. Enjoy, and Happy Friday.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

World AIDS Day 2005

Today, December 1st is World AIDS Day. It's the day when people around the world are meant to stand together in one voice, and say "We will defeat this horrible epidemic that has swept across our lands!" while holding hands and praying for a better future. It's the day when awareness is raised, donations are given, and celebrities give speeches.

This is my first time ever hearing about it, which does not surprise me one bit. I've commented before about the lack of media coverage of AIDS, and how it has become an "Out of sight, out of mind" epidemic that gets less spotlight time than David Duchovny lately. (Read my post about the lack of AIDS media coverage here)

I will say this, though: the coverage this year must be better than last year, because last year I don't remember hearing about World AIDS Day the fact that I know about it this year is a plus in the AIDS Media Marketing column.

CNN even gave it a headline. Not THE headline, of course. That would be too much spotlight. But they did give the AIDS day a headline, and that's all that matters.

Anyway, happy World AIDS Day 2005! I encourage you all to spend some time today (if even a few minutes) reminding yourself about the horrible problems of AIDS, and that it is something that is still a plague on our world. Maybe you could even go so far as to wear a red ribbon. I know that ribbons are symbols and many people don't like symbols...but symbols are cliché for a reason. Try it's not that bad. I promise it won't make you look fat.