Thursday, June 21, 2007

I'm Stooopid Smart

I consider myself to be a smart person. I take pride in my ability to understand concepts and intellectual theories that some people might find difficult. I’m the kind of person that can spit out random, useless data or facts in a futile attempt to impress strangers at parties or social functions. Not in an annoying way, though. Honest.

I took physics and passed. I took Calculus I and II in college. Despite several headaches and mental breakdowns I passed the course by the sum of the limit as it reaches zero. I’ve taken Accounting classes and Philosophy and Cognitive Psychology. I’ve had some schooling. I have a 4.0 GPA in my business program right now.

I will debate topics with you like religion, politics, social standing, or even the less dramatic ones like wine or movies. I know 13 decimals of Pi. I play chess. I have never stuck my finger into a light socket.

I’m reading A People’s History of the United States by Howard Zinn and so far I understand every single bit of it.

I do smart things. I am smart. I know I am.

But today I feel like a complete fucking idiot.

I brought it on myself, too. I was sitting here in the office this morning, being bored because there are currently no projects on my desk, and for some reason I was even the first one in the office. So while I sat here being bored, I tried to better myself by doing a little “brain quiz” to help wake me up, and keep the neurons firing.

I tried to name all 50 states.

Oh. My. God.

I totally couldn’t do it. I am currently at 41 total states, and I know there are more than that. At least, I’m pretty sure…I’m starting to doubt my sanity, at this point. I can’t effing believe I can’t think of the other 9 states I’m missing.

Argh.

I only stopped so I could clear my head, and write this blog post so the whole world (and yes, I’m lame enough to think the WHOLE world reads this blog) can know how stupid I am.

Wait! 42! I just remembered Delaware!

Woot!

I will find all 50. You watch.

I’d better fucking find all 50.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Tipping

I believe in tipping. It’s like gravity. They say it’s only a theory, and some people don’t believe in it…but I do. I know it exists. I think tipping is important, and you will always get money out of me, as long as I think you are making an effort to cater to my various needs.

A quick rundown on what I think about tipping, in general:

If you do a bad job, you’ll get 10%.
If you do a good job, you’ll get 15%
If you do a great job, you’ll get 20%
If you show me your boobs, you’ll get 35%
If you show me your boobs but forget to bring me a refill on my Coke Zero, you’ll get 30%

That’s how it works.

Some people are bad tippers. Some people are good about it. Some people are just trashy about it, to the point of being whisky tango.

Jen has a friend who is a bad tipper. She has this theory that she doesn’t have to tip as much as she should when she is out to dinner with a group of people. Her crazy logic revolves around the fact that she believes that if you have a group of four people, and each one of you has a dinner bill of around $50 each…then she only has to put down $4.00 to the “tip pot”.

Four fucking dollars.

Upon being questioned about this, she replies with “Well since everybody else is putting in more money, then I don’t have to put in as much and the tip should still be bigger than if I was alone.”

Or some such shit.

I’m not sure what’s going on in her head, except cheapness and rudeness and a general lack of class and social understanding. Even if you are a moron and hate tipping, you know that 10% is standard, and you should never go below that unless you REALLY hate your service. Other than that, there is no reason to tip less than 10%.

None.

It’s so tacky, it makes my butt itch.

Granted, this is the same girl who put on her wedding invitations: “Instead of wedding gifts, please send money so I can have a bigger honeymoon.”

I shit you not. The girl asked for money on her wedding invitations. It was so horrible I almost died when I read it. So it doesn’t surprise me that she tips less than 10%...I just find it horrible and worth mentioning here.

Four fucking dollars.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Bitch, Whine, Moan




Cripes.

It seems like everybody has to bitch about everything. Everywhere you look, it seems like somebody new is complaining about something else that annoys their delicate natures again. Er....except me. I don't bitch about everything. I simply share my opinions about other people's bitching and offer suggestions for how we can improve on ourselves. Right?

Right.

Anyway. The point is, people like to bitch and moan. It makes them feel special and it makes them feel like they are important and worth taking up space for.

Today's good example of which, is the Church of England.

The church is complaining about Sony's use of the Manchester Cathedral in a video game. The game in question is called Resistance: Fall of Man. It's a game about an alien invasion of earth during WWII and how humanity teams up to survive and conquer their invaders.




Nothing religious whatsoever about this video game. It's about blowing shit up and shooting aliens. Violence, pure and simple in its wonderfulness.




The fact that somebody has found a reason to bitch besides stuck up, bored housewives who think video games are too violent astounds me. This game has nothing to do with religion or the church, and the fact that the Church of England has found a reason to bitch blows me the fuck away.

The Manchester Cathedral is used as a background for one of the levels in the game...nothing more. They don't even refer to the church by name, to my knowledge. If they do, they don't make it very obvious. I didn't know which church the level I was playing was in, while I played it. In fact, I didn't know the name of the church until I read this stupid article.

The Church of England wants Sony to issue an apology for using their cathedral without permission, and for Sony to pay them "a large donation" for their trouble.

Piffle.

It's a public building...a church. It's going to be viewed by people, photographed, videoed....and maybe even put into a book, movie, TV show, or God forbid, a video game.

Who cares? It's not like the game is saying anything negative about the church. It's just a backdrop for part of the "story" of the game. It's a setting for plot...nothing more. The fact that they are bitching about it, tells me that they are no better than everybody else and just want to whine.

That, and money.

It's always about money, isn't it? Maybe I'm reading too much into this, and maybe I'm just bitching about somebody else bitching because I don't know what else to blog about today. But maybe it's also a little extreme to demand monetary compensation for something that was truly harmless and doesn't negatively affect the social standing or moral responsibility of a public institution of religion like the Manchester Cathedral.

The Church of England was only formed so a fat, obnoxious, murdering King could divorce his old wife and marry a new one.




Who should be sued over THAT one? Perhaps divorce offends me. Perhaps I feel that breaking away from the Catholic Church is an affront to God and corrupts my children. Do I get money for that? Can I bitch about that, and demand a public apology? Where's my money, bitches?

Send me a check, Church of England. Make the memo say "Sorry for the hypocrisy". Leave creative design like movies and video games alone, and focus on keeping your hands off altar boys.


"Give me my money, bitches!"


Check out this article which also bitches about Church of England bitching if you would like to hear more.


Thursday, June 07, 2007

Paris Fucking Hilton


I've said before how much bullshit it is that celebrities don't have to obey the same rules as the rest of us. I've bitched before about how lame it is that some of us put these people up on so high a pedestal that they are allowed to literally get away with murder.

If you didn't believe me then, or if you disagreed with me I offer you yet more proof as to the reason behind this country's lack of intelligence.

Paris fucking Hilton.

Paris fucking cum-dumpster Hilton was released from jail. Already. After serving only 3 days of her full 23 day sentence. 3 fucking days. The bitch went into jail for 72 hours and had enough time for a nap and a quick gangbang in the prison guard room before she got to stroll back out again as if she had never been there.

Yep. That''ll teach her. It's a good thing we don't think DRUNK DRIVING is a big deal in this country, right? I mean, shit...if we did value human life and the rules of the road, Paris might have had to actually serve a jail sentence that would have been inconvenient for her.

I'm sure that she regrets her actions and will never do it again now that she realizes she has the police and the law in her left fucking pocket.

This chick has been to parties that lasted longer, people. This wasn't punishment, it was a fucking joke. The fact that they let her out early because she's a celebrity and because she whined the whole time and because her father is rich is proof why our country is so fucking twisted.

Fucking sigh.

They are claiming "medical reasons" for the excuse for her release from jail. They won't go into details because it is a "private" matter and it is illegal for them to discuss any further why they are letting her out of jail.

BULLSHIT.

The Los Angeles Police Department and LA Corrections department just don't want to admit that they have been rented cheap by the Hilton family. There is no other explanation. Tell me how often a prisoner is released for "medical reasons"? I've heard of people dying in jail, before. They weren't let out. Why is this bitch special?

Was she let out because her allergies were acting up? Did she have a hangnail? Maybe she had a headache, or was surfing the crimson wave. Whatever the "medical reason" I'm sure it justified her being allowed to NOT serve time for a crime she committed.

She was let out, because she's rich and famous. Pure and simple. It's absurd for anybody to claim that she was let out for "personal, private medical reasons". Bullshit.

I'm watching the live news conference on her early release right now, as I type this. They keep jumping around the issue and side-stepping questions and spewing forth verbal vomit that takes away all blame and tries to justify the bullshit that has occurred. They keep repeating "...Paris has not been early released...she's been reassigned. She's at home with an ankle bracelet and that means it's OK."

It's NOT OK, actually. It's favoritism.

I can't believe they let her out, already. Shame on you, police. Shame on you, lawyers. Have some fucking dignity and stick to your guns. If you're going to have the balls to send somebody like Paris Hilton to prison, then have the fucking balls to KEEP her in there. Don't puss out three days in.

We allowed this to happen, you know. We worship these fucking people and let them do whatever they want. In a way, it's our fault.

Paris fucking Hilton gets a get out of jail free card. Who made the card? Her daddy? The police? Nope.

We did.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Third Wheels




Third wheels.

I know that sounds like a stupid phrase that makes no sense, but it's the best way to accurately describe the situation at dinner tonight. We were third wheels. I know the phrase itself makes you scratch your head and think I'm retarded. It's like that movie Airheads when they called themselves The Lone Rangers...and everybody was like, "How can you be lone? There are three of you. You can't be alone if there are three of you. Shouldn't you be The Three Rangers, instead?". It's kinda like that.




Anyway, I'm off track.

Tonight we went out to dinner at a Japanese Steak House. If you've been to one before, you know how it works. They seat you at a table that surrounds a big stove top where they cook your dinner right before your very eyes....so you can verify you aren't eating cat.

Well, normally the table seats about eight people. So when you arrive, you are seated with total strangers and are forced to either eat in the kind of semi-silence indicative of college sex in the library stacks, or you make idle chit-chat with your dinner mates.

Tonight Jen and I got fucking blindsided by a dinner party of six gorram people.

SIX.

That means that Jen and I were the odd men out, and were forced to sit at a table full of people who came together, and who knew each other, and had stories to tell.

Needless to say, we were fucked. We didn't get to talk to them because they were too busy being loud and obnoxious about their opinions on everything from property values to when it's a good time to have babies.

One of the girls at dinner was so obnoxious, I actually found myself staring at her rather large breasts and thinking to myself, "I wouldn't sleep with this woman. If I were single and she wanted my wonderful male member, I would have to lie and tell her I had the AIDS, or something."

That's how annoying she was. It didn't help that she was LOUD and MADE SURE THAT EVERYTHING SHE SAID WAS AN OCTAVE ABOVE THE WHITE NOISE COMING FROM ALL AROUND US IN THE RESTAURANT.


CAN YOU FUCKING PASS THE SALT, PLEASE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE'S NO SALT? DON'T THEY HAVE SALT IN CHINA? OH, JAPAN...WHATEVER, THEY'RE ALL ASIANS, RIGHT? I LOVE THIS SAUCE HERE, IT REMINDS ME OF THIS TIME IN COLLEGE WHEN WENDY AND I WERE TAKING TURNS LICKING...HEY, WAIT THIS DRINK TASTES FUNNY. WAITRESS-SAN, PLEASE GIVE ME A SODA THAT DOESN'T TASTE FLAT. DO YOU GUYS LIKE EATING HERE?

Er...are you talking to me?


YES! I MAY BE DRUNK AND ANNOYING TONIGHT, JUST FYI.


Really? I just assumed you were always annoying.

HAHAHA, YOU'RE FUNNY. THIS PLACE IS FUN, ISN'T IT?

It used to be.