Thursday, May 24, 2007

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Sub-Mariner? WTF?!

Well, Hollywood has done it again.

I have always found it unbelievable that Hollywood thinks we are stupid. They must have some sort of crack team of people who do nothing but sit around all day and try to think of new ways to screw us out of our hard-earned money. I don't mind that they have such a think-tank...I mind that these people have no fucking sense of Independence or individuality.

Not to mention the fact that they couldn't come up with an original thought if it came up behind them, bent them over, and rammed their corn hole.

Speaking of anal rape...Hollywood is trying to get up our pants yet again. In their apparently endless quest to exploit anything remotely related to comic books or the Marvel universe...there are rumors spreading around that Hollywood's newest bullshit movie is going to based on.....get this...the Sub-Mariner.

For those of you who didn't watch Saturday morning cartoons as a child, the Sub-Mariner is an obscure and not well liked character from back in the day. He was the Prince of Atlantis who had the ability to breathe underwater and had super strength. NOT the most interesting character, I know. That's why nobody had a Sub-Mariner lunchbox or tee shirt.

He was lame. Not Aquaman lame...but pretty fucking lame. Lame enough to be ignored and forgotten...until now.

Fucking idiots up in Hollywood's movie idea "think" tank have struck again. Keeping themselves out of the unemployment line once again by pitching a movie idea that is just sad. Not just said...fucking sad and lame and a waste of time.

Have we used up SO many good ideas on other media, that we must resort to movies based on obscure comic book characters like the Sub-Mariner? Where is our creative dignity? Where are the ordinal films? Are we really at the end of our rope?

I know that the dick-cheeses up in Hollywood are thinking:

"Well, since X-Men and Spider-Man did so well at the box office six years ago, we should keep making these movies. Let's just keep thrusting comic book heroes down the audience's throats until they vomit up revenue. And once the superhero genre is completely and totally abused and used up like a five dollar whore, we'll turn to a new idea. Get moving on this idea. Call Sam Rami, I'm sure he's not doing anything productive right now."


The goddam Sub-Mariner in a movie. The next thing you know, the idiots will want to make a movie about Wonder Woman.

Oh, yeah. They already fucking ARE. Sweet jebus.

I'm sure that this new movie will flop horribly, even though David B. has already read for the part and would probably make the movie as good as it possibly could be.

I just don't see how anybody could think this was a good idea. Like the Sub-Mariner is going to be a hit? Fucking please. There's a better chance of Paris Hilton being gang-raped in prison....which I'm SO praying for at this point.

Fucking Sub-Mariner. Un-be-fucking-lievable.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

232 Posts

Holy fucking shit. I've done 232 posts including this one! I'm not sure what that means, other than I have more free time than I should. Hmm. I should get more hobbies. I only have three right now, but I think I could get more if I just put some effort into it.

Wait...effort? Screw that. I'd rather surf porn.

Speaking of porn. I heard a guy the other day refer to it as "porno". I know that term was highly utilized back in the 70's and 80's but I thought it had died out like Anna Nicole Smith. Ohhhhhhh was that too soon? I'm sorry.

Wait, no I'm not. It's not an insult to say a dead person is it? Whatever, I'm over it.

Anyway, the word "porno" seems a little too retro for my taste. It actually made it feel dirtier to me. Tell me that isn't fucked up. The fact that when a person says "porn" I think it's ok and sexy and fun and completely innocent. But if they mention porno I think about hairy people and dirty things. Not good know, the icky dirty. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm not sure why. It's kinda like saying "panties". For some reason, that word doesn't sit well with me. I'm not saying I think it's a bad word, or gross or anything. I just don't use it and it sounds alien to me when somebody else does.

Seriously, I have no idea why.

So basically if you were to say to me, "I was watching this porno last night and the star had on these yellow panties that made me so hot" I would probably walk away from you and if you didn't read this blog you would have no understanding as to why I just ditched you.


Am I alone in this? Does anybody else have any words that make them feel icky inside? Porno, panties, feminine juices, discharge, bleeding anus...these words and phrases just don't make me feel happy. I actually cringed when I typed them.


At least I'm not wary of normal words. Can you imagine the poor bastard who was icky around the word "the" ??? What a horrible life that would be. His emails would be so hard to read because he'd have to leave out all of the "the" words:

Dear Mike,

I was reading new proposal, and it looks great. only thing I would change would be font. I think that font could be a little bigger and reason for this is words are hard to read. Don't forget meeting we have tomorrow about party on Friday.


It would be pretty funny, though. Especially if you worked with the guy, and knew his problem. I would so fuck with him on a weekly basis. I'm not sure HOW I would fuck with him, but I'm sure I'd think of something.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Open Letter to AirTran Airways

Dear Fucktards,

I wanted to take a moment of my time to inform you of how wonderful your airline is. Not only did you barely get me to my destination, but you did it with such contemptuous flair that I can't wait to not fly your airline again in the future.

First, a word about your ticket agents. While I find it noble that you choose to hire your attendants from the shallow end of the gene pool, and even though I do believe in equal rights for trailer-trash and ghetto-bots, I think in the future it might benefit your business if you were to choose the non-rude bitches that you currently employ.

The way in which they yelled at passengers who were on stand-by status was awesome. It made me feel right at home, to have a hand thrust in my face in a circa 1996 "get outta my face" gesture while asking for flight info. Truly, a wondrous training program you must have. My personal favorite part of waiting for my flight was when the ticket agent screamed at a passenger to "sit his ass down"....that was classy at its best.

Speaking of ticketing...I think it's great that you'll take anybody's money, no matter how many people book a flight. It helps out travelers, to know that even though the flight only holds 150 people, AirTran chooses to book over 250 passengers. This probably ensures you don't go belly-up and your stock stays out of the proverbial that must make it OK.

Good job.

A quick word about your planes: wow. I am SO happy that those planes from the 1970's are still in circulation. I saw the movie The Love Bug, after all so I know that all vehicles have souls and get sad when not in use. How noble and kind of you to ensure those old, forgotten plans get another chance to shine with the new, "safe" planes.

I can't speak for all of us, but I love being on a two hour flight while the entire plane shakes all around me. Remember that loud "clang" noise on flight 435 out of Atlanta? That was rad. The way the people around me quaked with fear and started praying gave me warm fuzzies.

Well played.

In short, your "get you there, or die tryin" mentally for air travel is superb. Your "sit down and shut up, or I will MAKE you shut up" attitude of your ticket agents is the best. And your "I should have been decommissioned in 1978" airplanes are a great way to cut costs and keep making money.

I know that you retards don't understand I'm sending this letter to you, as it is. My hope is that somebody reads it and actually sounds out most of the words enough to warrant a phone call to me to apologize for the bullshit I've put up with recently.

To say I'm not going to fly your airline again would be the biggest understatement of the decade. I'll be posting this letter to my website, so everybody who reads my blog may know about your incompetence and rude qualities, and hopefully they will avoid your "airline" in the future. If I save just one life or piece of lost luggage, I've done my job.

I hope you go out of business soon.

Hugs and kisses,

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

I'm a bastard

This is the part, where I tell you I SUCK. Then you tell me I TOTALLY SUCK.

Then I say I'm sorry.

Then you pretend to forgive me, even though in your heart of hearts, all you can think to yourself is "The nerves of this guy. What a fucktard, to think he can try to squirm his way back into my virtual pants of blogger. Fuck him!"

You know you're thinking something like that. That's assuming you're reading this, at all. The sad truth is, you're right. I'm totally an asshole for leaving you all hanging for so long.

My excuses are as follows:

1. My job lay-off.

I know that this seems like a bullshit excuse, but since I've been off work I've had extra time on my hands...and you would THINK this would ensure a daily post or at the very least some comments on other blogs. Surprisingly, this is not the case. As it turns out, my best posts came from a lack of work to do while I sat in my corporate servitude dwindling away the hours.

Now that I'm at home and have other things on my agenda, blogging seems to take a back-seat.

I know, I know. That sounds bitchy and it seems like I don't care about my readers. SO not true...I just need to spend more time blogging, now that I'm not sitting bored in a cubicle all day.

2. Golf

OK, I'm sorry. I've been golfing a lot lately. The weather has been good, and my balls are going where they're supposed to....right in your girlfriend's mouth.


OK, seriously. I've been having a swell time with the golf thing these past 2 weeks, and while my scores have improved and my farmer's tan is well on its way to winning a Redneck Award, I still feel bad that I haven't spent much time indoors to post on occasion.

3. Saying goodbye to the single life

Yep. Sad to say to all my group bunny fans out there, but Shanshu has effectively taken himself off the market. That means I can't pleasure some of you the way in which you're accustomed to...and that includes your mom.

I totally proposed. She totally said yes. We're totally engaged.

Double WOOT.

So needless to say, that's taken up some of my time lately, as we've had to tell family and friends and start looking at churches and buy wedding books and watch bullshit sappy wedding shows on TLC that make me want to puke up my own spleen.

Guess who's idea the wedding shows are.

In any case, I've been up to my large testes in stuff to do around here, and blogging hasn't entered into my daily "To Do" list.

It's a fucking shame, and I mean to rectify the situation. I'm going out of town tomorrow to visit my buddy PJ in Atlanta.

BUT...when I return, I promise to do my best to keep up with the blogging and keep you all entertained to the best of my ability. Either that, or I'll post pictures of naughty things or whatever.

Please don't leave me. I love you all.

Hugs and kisses on all your pink parts,