It was to be war between us from the moment he crossed the threshold into my home. My sanctuary; my place of rest away from the cold cruelty of the world and the harsh light of day. It is my place of Zen and thus cannot be defiled by any creature that is not welcome. There is a balance between the world outside and the calmness within. This stranger chose to ignore the balance and invade my territory. So it was to be war between us, then.
So be it.
I quickly made my way to the laundry room to grab my weapon and extinguish my foe. I wrapped my hand around the cool, aluminum handle and pulled the dusty broom from its place of rest next to the washing machine. Thoughts of soiled clothing quickly entered my mind as I inhaled the smell of detergent and fabric softener.
Nearing the place where I had first discovered the intruder, I slowed my pace and crept lightly over the carpet. Stealth and my trusty broom were my only allies this night, and they would lead me to victory. I crept closer to the beast’s lair in-between the wires behind the entertainment center, hoping for a quick kill.
There he was.
Perhaps I would need assistance. I called to my woman, Jen. The slayer of bugs and cooker of meals would aid me in my hunt tonight to ensure a quick victory. We quickly formulated a plan of action. I would thrust my weapon to the left of the creature, forcing it to scurry to the right in fear and into our trap, where Jen would be waiting with her own weapon of floor cleaning.
I took a breath, and quickly drove the end of the broom handle to the very left of the creature, who jumped aside and scurried quickly to the right to avoid my thrust. Jen’s outstretched mop handle drove downwards quickly, and yet again the creature avoided the blow, this time heading back in the direction it came from, back to me.
I wasn’t ready. I aimed another thrust and missed wildly, and before I could aim another strike, the beast had slipped into the jungle of wires behind the entertainment center.
Cursing, I quickly began to thrust the broom handle into the tangled web of wires in the hopes that my prey would scurry for cover, and into our midst. He was not fooled by our ruse, and remained hidden in the safety of the wires. We discussed our next move, as we did not want to leave the creature back there to surprise us again at another time. We decided the best course of action would be to pull away the entertainment center from the wall, in the hopes that we would be given an opportunity to strike out against our foe. I pulled the entertainment center away from the wall, and sprang back ready to pounce!
Nothing happened. Shit.
The little fucker had proven a worthy adversary.
The time had come for action. No more games, I told myself. Time to end this. I took position near the back of the couch, while Jen took position in front, gripping her mop handle firmly between her soft hands. Steeling myself, I raised the couch up from the floor, and the cunning arachnid bounded away from the couch….missing Jen’s thrust by inches…and dove for cover underneath the other sofa.
Feeling the excitement of the hunt beginning to slip away to be replaced by hopelessness and anger, I did my best to calm my breathing. This was proving to be the most elusive, annoying fucking arachnid I had ever had the displeasure of doing battle with. A worthy foe, indeed.
Gripping my silver broom handle, I again lifted the couch and waited for signs of his approach. Jen cried out she had seen him, but he had ducked back into the couch again. I set down the couch and began to come to the front with her, when I saw out of the corner of my eye, my enemy.
He stood before me.
As he ran towards me, I raised my weapon above my head, and brought it down with a thunderous blow that shook the ground and shattered my weapon into pieces. As the broom head flew to the side from the force of the blow, I saw my foe dodge to the right and head back towards the couch in retreat.
As the beast scurried towards the safety of the couch once more, I raised my broken weapon again above my head. Screaming my war cry, I brought down the silver bo with a quick, violent slam that caught my opponent mere inches away from the underside of the couch. The force of the thrust caused the creature to fly into the air and back into the middle of the room. Death found him quickly and probably without pain. He landed in a heap on the floor, already curled into the telltale ball that signaled the end of his life and my victory. He remained still.
I erupted into a primal scream of glee and victory as I held aloft my silver spider killer weapon. Broken, bent, and destroyed it may have been…but dishonored, it was not. I dubbed it “Silverstick, the Spider Hammer” and laid it to rest next to the washing machine, where it belonged.
The war was over.