Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Get Thee Behind Me!

Recently, I joined the countless masses of people in this great nation of ours who have counted themselves as born again. No, I am not referring to anything as spiritual as a cathartic religious experience, or even a newfound belief in a higher deity. My lifestyle change has more to do with health and self preservation. It has to do with trying to better myself as a person, while saving my lungs and fattening my wallet. I am referring, of course, to the fact that I am now a non-smoker.

Whoop, there it is. Shake your money-maker. Feel the love. Bring on the health.

Today marks me 19th day of being cigarette free, which means that in the scheme of things I have just begun my quest, but so far I think I am off to a great start. Wow, I just realized I typed “me 19th day” instead of “my”. Apparently, when you stop smoking you start to talk like the Lucky Charms guy. Creepy.


As I go day by day without smoking, one thing has become obvious to me: cigarettes do not let you quit them, without a fight. They will pull out all the stops, to ensure that your transition into healthy lung freedom is wrought with consequences and pain.

The first side effect I noticed was the coughing. Dammit all to hell, I have been coughing like it was going out of style these past two weeks. You would think my lungs were healing, or something. I’ve also noticed that it doesn’t take much for me to snap like a social twig and bite somebody’s head off for no reason, whatsoever:

Chris: Good morning!
Shanshu: Fuck you! I hate you in the face, along with your ugly baby! Go to hell, you idiot! You’ve done nothing but ruin my life from the first moment I met you!
Chris: …(pauses)…So…er, does this mean you don’t want to order something?
Shanshu: (sigh) Yeah, I’ll take an Egg McMuffin.
Chris: That will be $1.08, please pull around to the first window.
Shanshu: Thanks.

Coughing and irritability aside, the only other draw back I’ve noticed so far has been the almost constant desire to eat. I’ve been munching more than a college freshman with a three-foot bong going on a seven day bender. If it’s edible and doesn’t require cooking, it’s all mine. Seriously, don’t touch my pretzels…I’ll fucking kill you.

There are other annoyances that come with quitting smoking, of course. One of the bigger ones is the boredom. Normally, when I got really bored or felt a bit ancy, I would simply step outside and enjoy a smoky treat of cancer-inducing joy. Now, I have nothing to do except crack my fingers. That tends to have adverse effects, in itself. My digits aren’t working as well, anymore. I can’t do simple tasks such as brush my teeth or use silverware to eat. I’ve got my neighbor typing this for me right now, and he is not happy with the way I keep calling his girlfriend fat.

Typist’s note: My girlfriend is not fat. Shanshu is a dickhead. He’s eaten all of my chips.

It’s been a rough journey, but I’m sure that in the end, I will be the one standing. I won’t need nicotine gum, or smoking cessation classes, or a spotter. I can quit on my own, because my will is strong and there is plenty of porn out there in cyberspace to keep me occupied until the cravings stop. Either that, or I can go next door and flirt with my neighbor's fat girlfriend.

Anyway, that is my new lifestyle change. Wish me luck, and remember to stay away from my fucking pretzels. Seriously, I'll kill you.



Pizzle said...

It's a good thing that your lungs don't itch while they heal, like a broken bone in a cast, or a scab. They would be a bitch to scratch.

Seriously, though...congrats again on your quest. It will be very weird to be drunk with you and not light up. I don't know if I can do it yet.

Fuckin' hilarious post, dawg.

Think Frustrated said...

Very funny.

I quit a few years ago. The "will is strong" thing is a good way to go, but it is rough. The additives in cigarettes are proven to be more addictive than heroin. Once you go a month, it will get easier. Like Pizzle said, when you quit, then get drunk, you tend to go back to smoking because alcohol impairs your will. That's also why you fuck fat homeless broads when drunk.

Maccafreak said...

Congrats!! I'm on my way to joining you. Although I do have the patch as a back-up because, quite frankly, I want to succeed this time. I'm pulling out all of the stops! GO HEALTH! You're lucky I live so far away...we'd be fighting over the pretzels! I might be smaller, but I'm faster. ;)

drunkbh said...

Woo-Hoo!!! I've heard that nicotine is the teh second most addictive substance only being passed by heroin.

Crystal said...

from one former smoker to well, you...congrats and good luck.

DaMasta said...

As long as I don't buy a pack, I consider it "quiting". I can bum all I want, but buying my own pack is forbidden.

OSW is up at the 5th cicle.

Congrats by the way!

Shanshu said...

I'm planning on quitting my heroin addiction NEXT month, so hopefully the smoking thing will stick.

OMG I forgot about Office Supply Wednesday! CRAP! Now I have to add that to my awesome post...@(*&$%

Thanks for reminding me, damasta!

Tydes Perdition said...

Good on ya, dude. Keep it up.

Jen said...

Yay you! Yay us!