Friday, December 23, 2005

Annoying to the Point of Homicidal Thoughts

You know what I hate most about New Year's? Not the parties or the countdowns, or even those lame noise-makers. What I hate about New Year's Eve is the fact that people try to be clever by saying the following phrase:

"See you next year!"

I fucking hate that. The people who say that think they're being so clever, too. They're hoping that somebody is going to hear that and say "What do you mean? Why won't I see you for a whole year?" and then they can be all smug and witty and say "Well, you'll see me tomorrow...that's next year. Ha ha! Got you! I'm so much smarter than you!"

Fucking lame.

Somebody said that to me today and I almost choked them.

Happy Holidays!!!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

MS Outlook 2003 Can Suck Me

While my current political affiliation remains a mystery, there are other areas of my life which I can accurately describe as being super-conservative. One of these areas would be the idea of change. Specifically, the idea of changes to things that I use on a daily basis, like my computer setup and workstation. Now, I’m not afraid of change…I like things to be different and better and more shiny. I do not like changing something that isn’t broken, however. I find that to be simply annoying. Especially when the new version is crappy.

Take my 2002 MS Outlook software at work. It was working fine, and I had it the way I wanted it, and everything was right with the world. Then the fucking Sprint IT guys decided that they wanted me to have MS Outlook 2003. You would think that this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but dammit the programs are as different as black and fuck.

Those crafty IT guys snuck in late last night and installed the new software without my knowledge. I came into work today and booted up my computer only to find that my Outlook taskbar shortcut button had vanished. While cramming that strangeness back away into the “why the fuck did that happen?” portion of my brain, I created a new shortcut button and tried to move on with my life.

Hell no, it wouldn’t be that easy.

There were pop-ups and messages boxes and requests for information. There was a new setup box and configuration settings to deal with, and it even asked me for my name. Here’s my name, MS Outlook 2003: Fuck off. That’s my name. Now go away, and leave me alone.

After the initial setup was complete, I began to browse through my new software, only to be disappointed everywhere I went. New colors and stupid buttons that I don’t need and preview panes and strange boxes and folders in the wrong places….bloody hell, it was chaos in there. I shook my fists at the IT guys and began the process of changing everything back to the way I like it. This process took ten minutes away from my life, that I will never get back.

Even now, I’m not happy with it. The colors are all lame and the shortcut button is screwy. They even put in a second button over near the time section of my desktop, and I can’t make it go away. So now, just in case I’m too stupid to push the regular shortcut button…I have a 2nd one as a backup. Terrific.

That’s what they do sometimes, you know. They change their software because they seem to think that we are all getting dumber while they are getting smarter. They think we can’t find our Calendar by ourselves, so they decide we need a huge fucking button for it that pops up every 5 minutes in case we want to look at it. They assume that we like to have a blaring, huge font title over EACH SEPARATE EMAIL telling us when we received it (“THIS EMAIL IS FROM 1 WEEK AGO” or “THIS EMAIL IS FROM YESTERDAY”) because we are too retarded to look at the Time/Date Stamp that’s always been there.

People…I get a shadow box that pops up now, whenever I get a new email. It pops up and gives me a mini-view of the new email, and then it slowly fades away into nothingness. This box is set to be “always on top” and so far I can’t figure out how to change it (that was not an invitation for you to tell me how in the comments…I will figure it out on my own.) so for now it keeps happening every five minutes when I get a new email. It’s happened twice since I started writing this.

This new Outlook is fucking up my Chi. My Chi is all wrong.

I hate it.

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

This is my Santa pen. It was put into my stupid lame "work stocking" the other day. It has a button the back that makes his fists punch, like Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots, or some such shit. I think he's hilarious and I'm probably going to keep him at my desk for awhile, just to keep the joy going.

Happy OSW.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Christmas Party Top 9

In an effort to avoid any embarassing lawsuits from David Letterman or CBS, I am going to offer up to you, my faithful readers, a top 9 list of...

Reasons Why My Christmas Party Rocked:

9. Somebody almost ate the mistletoe even after I told them it was poison
8. A hot girl was already drunk by 8:37pm after arriving at 7:45pm
7. 14 people were invited, yet somehow 23 people showed up
6. I met yet another new reader who assured me she is going to participate in OSW
5. I saw 3 bras and 2 pairs of panties before midnight. Giggidy-Giggidy!
4. Mulled Wine
3. The guy upstairs didn't call the cops on us, even after it was 4:30am
2. There was NO alcohol-induced vomiting on the premises.

And the number one reason why my Christmas Party rocked...

1. Because it was MY Christmas party, bitches. My shit always works, sometimes!!

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Pennies: Tiny Copper Spawns of Satan

As some of you may or may not know, I have a slight problem with pennies. I find them to be a worthless part of our currency market, and a blight on the smooth face of our debt-ridden and shabby economy. I used to keep all of my pennies in a big jar, mindlessly adding to my collection after every monetary transaction. I would throw penny after penny into the jar in an effort to save up enough of the small copper bastards to purchase something silly like food or gasoline. Then one day, for reasons unknown even to myself, I began to silently hate them.

Those stupid pennies. They sit there, with their dirty-looking color and their strange, metallic taste. They fill up our pockets and coin purses, taking up space and offering nothing in return. They are lazy. They are almost worthless. It takes 10 of their kind, to add up to the same amount as a dime…which is sleeker, newer, and shinier. Pennies are old school. They are lame. They have outlived their usefulness and it is, in my opinion, time to retire them to the scrap heap. Let’s make muffin tins out of them, or something.

And don’t get me started on the fact that it is the fault of the penny that we are forced to put up with the stupid marketing pricing fad of $19.99, as if that one penny saves you a bunch of money. The penny is not our friend. The proof is everywhere.

Anyway, my hatred of pennies rose to new levels the other night, when they finally found themselves in a position to justify their existence to me in a very annoying way. Let me set the scene for you:

Super Target, 9:30pm. Tuesday night. Cold outside. Shanshu was forced to travel out into the cold, cruel world of holiday shopping earlier than expected, for the fact that he was being prodded into a Corporate Christmas Team-Building Event which involved the decorating of stockings in one of the meeting rooms. Searching the rows and rows of holiday decorations, he was able to find a Christmas stocking for the low price of $0.99 and that was as much money as Shanshu was willing to spend on such a lame meeting idea. He traveled up to the checkout register, and smiled at the Super Target lady.

Shanshu: Hello.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Hello. Is this it?
Shanshu: Yes.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Did you have trouble finding anything?
Shanshu: No.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Ok. That will be $1.06, please.
Shanshu: (digging around in pockets) Oh, gosh. I only have $1.00 on me. Jen, do you have any change on you?
Jen: (digging around purse) Yeah, I have 5 pennies.
Shanshu: That’s it? Hmm. (turning to checkout lady) I guess we only have $1.05, apparently. Do you mind if we’re short by a penny? Heh.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Yes, I mind.
Shanshu: Eh?
Annoying Super Target Checkout Lady: I mind. It’s $1.06, not $1.05…you need a penny.
Jen: Are you…are you serious? It’s a penny.
Annoying Penny Nazi Super Target Checkout Lady: I’m sorry.
Shanshu: (regaining consciousness) Wait…can’t you just…spot us the stupid penny?
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: No. If I do that, my drawer will be off.
Shanshu: By a penny.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Do you have another form of payment?
Shanshu: Well, we wouldn’t want to short your drawer a penny, would we? I guess I’m paying with my credit card.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Fine. Please swipe your card.
Shanshu: (thinking) Can I get cash back with this?
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Sure. How much do you want?
Shanshu: A penny.
Very Angry Annoying Penny Nazi:
Shanshu: Never mind. I’ll just put the $1.06 on my card for now.
Very Angry Annoying Ugly Penny Nazi: Here’s your receipt. Goodbye.
Shanshu: Whatever.
Jen: (handing the checkout lady a penny) Here you go. Here’s a penny for you, in case somebody else today is 1 cent short on their purchase.
Very Angry Annoying Ugly Penny Nazi:
Shanshu: Don’t give her that…now her drawer will be over by a penny.

Pennies suck. I rest my case.

Happy Thursday.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

We spent time today decorating our Christmas stockings for a team builder while we watched a movie and ate pizza. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this sock of Christmas cheer, but I'm sure that it's going to find its place in the world soon enough.

Congrats to last week's OSW winner, Damasta. Her cute little Christmas Tree-Clock combo has to win, for the simple fact that it seems to be somewhat artistic. But everybody had great OSW pics this past was hard to choose a winner. In the end, I went with my gut.

Happy OSW.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

When Did My Opinions Become So Vacillating?

When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I said whatever thought popped into my small but overactive brain in an attempt to learn more about my surroundings and the world to which I was a part of. I was inquisitive and curious, and formed opinions on things quickly and without hesitation. After all, it seemed easy to pick one side of an argument, over the other. Simply examine both sides and choose the one that made the most sense…it was easy. My loyalties were steadfast and I stuck to my guns, no matter how miniscule the topic of discussion happened to be. For instance, I might very well have been seen locked into a wrestling match with somebody who believed that Superman was cooler than Spiderman. Obviously, whatever kid thought that was stupid, and needed my size 5 Velcro shoes up his OshKosh B'Gosh ass. Back then, taking sides seemed natural.

I’m not sure when it happened, or what cathartic event transpired that would cause me to shift my perspective, but lately I have noticed that when it comes to “important” debates I find myself almost always on the fence. I not only see both sides of the argument, but I see them so well and so clearly that I find it hard to form an opinion on which is the “correct” point of view. Many times I have examined something on the news that is causing some form of controversy, only to find myself agreeing with both sides and then moving on with my life. I did not used to be this way. Ask anybody I went to high school with about topics such as abortion, the death penalty, war, homosexuality, sports, racism, or anything else you can think of. The odds are, they will be able to say without hesitation and with little difficulty what my view on that particular issue was at that time. Nowadays, you would be lucky to guess what type of juice I like to drink.

I’m sure that one of the reasons for my recent trend of indecisiveness stems from taking philosophy in college. Those classes are the epitome of there is no answer, which is bound to cause some confusion in opinionated individuals such as myself. When I first read philosophy questions such as “What is truth?” and “Is knowledge even possible?” my mind began to swirl with possibilities and the answers to difficult questions. During my freshman year at college, you could find me muddling over whether or not insects had souls, or find me trying to prove that color is an illusion. I’m fairly certain that it was during this time that my brain began its path towards hesitation and universal agreement. This was also the time that I figured out that sex does not help you find love, and Pro Wrestling is fake.

Another reason that I’ve been sitting on the fence lately is probably caused by time, and its effect on the mind. As I’ve gotten older, some of my opinions have changed based on personal experience and learning. For instance, I used to believe that going to a loud, busy dance club on a Friday night was the best way to hang out with friends and have a good time. Now, I find it is much more enjoyable to go to a bar and socialize with these same friends in an atmosphere that stimulates discussion and laughing. It is more appealing to me, because I have found that the benefits to such an atmosphere outweigh the benefits of going to a dance club. This same style of thought can be applied to other areas of my life, including religion and even food. This is probably why most older people don’t eat Big Macs at 2:00am after a night of heavy drinking and socializing…they’ve figured out that it’s not the best thing to be doing. So maybe we can say that my inability to choose a side comes from just getting older. Now, turn down that damn rap music so I can continue! Damn kids.

I could sit here and write a dozen more reasons for why I find it hard to choose a side, and none of them would come any closer to answering the question that I posed in my title. I could say that it involves the empathy of seeing the other person’s side of things, which makes it harder to continue to see things from my side, alone. I could postulate that my indecisiveness derives from seeing the futility in arguing and debating topics, since talking about something will never change the course that a particular event or topic will travel. Maybe my cynicism doesn’t allow me to form opinions. Maybe I’m afraid to commit to things, now that I’m getting older and the threat of death looms over my head like a black cloud of inevitability. Maybe the decision center of my brain was zapped away by years of fermented hops and bong resin.

The truth is, I’m not positive about why I can’t seem to commit to a side anymore, but I think it has something to do with fear. I think fear may be the cause of most of our problems. Fear motivates us to do wonderful things, this is true…but it also holds us back. It makes us drive slower and eat healthier food and think before we speak. It causes us to look both ways, hold our tongues, and look before we leap. In this world of infinite possibilities and choices, I find it highly plausible that the main reason for me to not choose sides, is because that is the safest route to take. If you don’t form an opinion, then you can’t be wrong. As any poker player will tell you, you can’t lose what you don’t put in the middle. So perhaps I find it is easier to sit on the fence, than to pick a side to jump over to.

If that is the case, then it is unacceptable. We should never be afraid of telling our viewpoints, or taking a side in a debate. So what if you think the wrong thing, or choose the wrong side? You can always change your mind, you have that right. I think it’s written down somewhere. Besides, who is to say that your opinion is necessarily wrong? I’m sure that Superman kid thought he was right, and I was wrong. Big deal. It doesn’t change the fact that we liked different things, and were vocal about it. I’m going to stop being afraid to choose a side. From now on, I’m going to jump off the fence and stick to my guns.

That having been said, I’ve come up with a list of topics, along with the side I have chosen to take for each topic. This is my way of trying to become an opinionated individual, again. Enjoy.

10 Things I Believe in:

-The death penalty
-A higher power and an infinite universe
-Big breasts are attractive
-Country music is crap
-Red meat is good for you
-Stem Cell research is good
-College sports are better than pro sports
-OJ Simpson is guilty
-Michael Jackson is innocent
-Saying "One Nation, Under God" during the Pledge of Allegiance

10 Things I Do Not Believe in:

-Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone
-The Electoral College
-Putting sugar in pasta sauce
-The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was motivated by racism
-Psychotherapeutic drugs
-Enemas make you more healthy
-US Courts favoring the mother for child custody

Some things I'm still on the fence about:

-Big Business
-The new colors of M&M's
-Jokes about Jesus

PS: You had to look up the word vacillating, didn't you? Admit it.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Christmas Bunnies!!!!!

If you're anything like me, then you enjoy a good spanking as much as the next person. You also love Christmas movies, because they put you into a good mood, and remind you of simpler times and holiday cheer. One of my favorite Christmas movies is A Christmas Story, which I'm sure many of you have seen before.

In the spirit of the season, my favorite acting bunnies (not the group kind) have put together a mini-movie of A Christmas Story, done in thirty seconds. Click the pic to check it out:

Happy Friday, everybody! May the spirit if Christmas and the odds of stress and things going wrong swell within you during this holiday season!! And, if you feel the need for spankings, remember it is better to give, than recieve.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

OSW and Shanshu's PC Woes

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!!
This is my Roy Williams bobble-head doll. He used to be the head basketball coach for KU until he sold out and moved back to North Carolina. We miss him terribly, since our team has turned to crap ever since he left.
Sometimes, I have to turn him around because I can't look at his face.

So, here's what happened to me yesterday, in the style of "The Night Before Christmas":

T'was the day before Wednesday and all through my home,

Nobody was stirring, since I was alone.

I went into my den to use my PC,

while visions of Blogging danced around within me.

I noticed some SpyWare and even Viruses, too.

So I decided to get rid of them, with no more ado.

I paid fifty dollars for some software to cure

the spyware and viruses; to kill them for sure.

But what did I see with my own little eyes?

The software was bogus! The fix full of lies!

My money was gone and the Spyware remained,

promises of online safety and protection were feigned.

I cursed and I spat, and shook my fists in the air,

but nobody heard me, there was no one to care.

I called Dell Support and begged them to help me,

and they said they would...for a large fee.

One hundred dollars later and two hours more,

and my computer was more broken, then it was before.

"We cannot fix it." they said and they sounded quite dumb,

while I sat in my den and I sucked on my thumb.

"Your hard drive has crashed, there is nothing to say,

we here at Dell hope you have a very nice day!

"A new hard drive we will send you, and this one will work!"

they told me as I tried to stab my wrist with a spork.

I jumped up and down and felt so much better,

and then I sat down to write a nasty letter.

Screw Hackers! Screw Spammers! Screw all Spyware too!

I wrote about how they had spat on my shoe.

Then I went up to my bank to tell them the story,

only to find out that they had no money for me.

One hundred and Fifty dollars the total I lost,

to learn a good lesson at oh such a cost.

So now I am wiser, and more bitter still.

Of all the spyware and viruses I've had my fill.

So to all of you out there who are not quite protected,

buy up-to-date software or you too will be infected.

So I say to you all, Happy Computing for you!

And to Spyware and Hackers I say fuck off.

Friday, December 02, 2005

Friday Fantabulous

I don't have anything to say, today. I have nothing to say...except to say, that I have nothing to say. So I guess you could say, that I only have one thing to say, which is that I have nothing to say, and that's the one thing I have to say.

So, now that we've cleared that's some pictures of a girl with large breasts who looks 17 years old, but is probably closer to 37 knowing the way Hollywood changes people. Enjoy, and Happy Friday.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

World AIDS Day 2005

Today, December 1st is World AIDS Day. It's the day when people around the world are meant to stand together in one voice, and say "We will defeat this horrible epidemic that has swept across our lands!" while holding hands and praying for a better future. It's the day when awareness is raised, donations are given, and celebrities give speeches.

This is my first time ever hearing about it, which does not surprise me one bit. I've commented before about the lack of media coverage of AIDS, and how it has become an "Out of sight, out of mind" epidemic that gets less spotlight time than David Duchovny lately. (Read my post about the lack of AIDS media coverage here)

I will say this, though: the coverage this year must be better than last year, because last year I don't remember hearing about World AIDS Day the fact that I know about it this year is a plus in the AIDS Media Marketing column.

CNN even gave it a headline. Not THE headline, of course. That would be too much spotlight. But they did give the AIDS day a headline, and that's all that matters.

Anyway, happy World AIDS Day 2005! I encourage you all to spend some time today (if even a few minutes) reminding yourself about the horrible problems of AIDS, and that it is something that is still a plague on our world. Maybe you could even go so far as to wear a red ribbon. I know that ribbons are symbols and many people don't like symbols...but symbols are cliché for a reason. Try it's not that bad. I promise it won't make you look fat.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

OSW, Mr. Miyagi, and Annoying Puzzle Games

Office Supply Wednesday:

Well, I can't post a photo of something in my office today, because I left my camera phone at home. Yes, I'm retarded. But rather than not participating in OSW, I have decided to use a picture I found on google that had something to do with sexy offices. Enjoy.

Oh, and not to forget: Last week's winner of Office Supply Wednesday would have to be our favorite Dirty Blonde Drunk Chick. Why is she the winner? Well, I'll tell's because of that silly tree. I don't know why, but it makes me giggle. So, congrats to drunkbh!!

On a Sad Note:

I just found out last night that Pat Morita died on Thanksgiving day. This is very sad to me, because I grew up watching The Karate Kid as a child, and the fact the Mr. Miyagi has left us forever is a tad upsetting. I hereby offer up a moment of blogger silence for one of my favorite childhood characters.


Annoying Puzzle Game:

Ok, normally I love games that require you to think, solve puzzles, and generally be clever in order to win. What I don't like, however, is not figuring them out. Pizzle sent me this today, and I'm ashamed to admit that I can't figure out the last puzzle. This Rubik's Cube of Death and Annoyance makes me want to punch the desk and shout curses at the skies. I offer the puzzle to you, so you can complete it and laugh at my inability to logically put together a fucking 3-dimensional cube.

Play the game here

And now for something completely random:

Last night, Jen and I went out to dinner with friends. During the course of the meal, it had been brought up that I had been sleeping on the couch recently. As I made it clear last night, I am not sleeping on the couch because I am in trouble. Jen has been restless lately, and constantly wakes me up throughout the course of the night, ergo me and the couch have gotten very close lately. Anyway, as Jen was telling the story last night, she used the following phrase to explain the situation:

"Shanshu has been sleeping on the couch because I've been bad in bed lately."

There was a moment of silence at the table, as everybody digested this. Then, we all erupted in laughter as Jen's face began to turn bright red. Apparantly, being good in bed is very important to me...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Backwards Parking

You know what I don't get? Backwards Parking. The whole thing just makes me shake my head and laugh, for some reason. I know that certain driving situations require you to back-up to park...but most of the time, people do it because they want to. Personally, I've never really been in touch with the need to take the time to back my car into a spot, so that later on I can have the chance to simply pull forward and continue on with my driving experience. I know some people who backwards park, and I always giggle to myself when they do it. Why? Because I find the whole thing to be silly, that's why.

Yeah, you heard me Pizzle...I said silly.

Most people I know who do this, claim that they do the backwards parking thing because they like the ease of simply pulling out of their parking spot and then starting to drive away. They say it's easier, and saves time. Fine, but what they don't seem to realize is that the time spent backing into the spot makes the whole "time-saving" thing a bit redundant. If you spend 10 seconds backing into your spot, and only 4 seconds leaving your spot...that's 14 seconds. Now, if you spent 4 seconds to park normally, and then later on spent 10 seconds backing out to leave your parking space...that's still 14 seconds.

I may not be in calculus anymore...but I'm pretty sure that 14-14=0, which means there is NO difference between the two numbers. So we can safely assume that backwards parking does not save any time.

If this is the case, then why do people do it? Here is my list of situations that might require the need for backwards parking:

  • To make it easier to load groceries into the trunk area after an afternoon of shopping.
  • Trying to scare the shit out of your cat, who up until now has been staring out the back window watching things travel away from him, as opposed to the way things seem to come at him once you start driving in reverse.
  • Some form of parking dyslexia.
  • You have a bomb placed on your front bumper that will explode if it makes contact with anything, including the curb.
  • You need to make a fast getaway from a place you just burglarized.
  • You were running over somebody while in reverse, and then noticed people looking, and so you parked "just to look normal".
  • You feel you are a driving rebel who has nothing to lose, and answers to nobody.
  • You think your car has a big ass, and wish to hide it from the other cars in the parking lot.
  • Extra proud of your "My Kid is on the Honor Roll" bumper sticker.
  • You're on a stake-out.
  • You think that people who back into their parking spots are cooler than other drivers, and wish to be just like them.
  • You have a fear of putting your emotions on the table, and it affects even the way you park (with your front end being hidden from view as a metaphor for you hiding your feelings from others).
  • You're trying to make the miles on your car go down by driving backwards as often as possible.
  • You want to make it perfectly clear to your date for the evening that you have no problem "easing in from behind".
  • You believe that, even with parking, different is better.
  • You like the noise your car makes when it drives in reverse. This is especially true if you have one of those trucks that makes the beeping sound when going backwards.

I'm sure there are other reasons, but I don't want to spend too much time dwelling on them. As I said, I know people participate in backwards parking, but I choose not to join the club. If you believe that you, or somebody you love may have a habit of backwards parking, please get some help. Only together, can we make a difference.

Thank you.

Now, just to ensure that there are no hard feelings for all of my backwards parking readers out there, here is a funny clip of cats doing funny things. Enjoy!

Monday, November 28, 2005

Ok, ok I'm sorry

Ok, I know that my posting lately has been uber lame and has caused some of you to seriously consider breaking into my house and forcing me to post something that helps keep you entertained. My only defense is that I have been sick, I had to work on Friday, and today was pretty busy getting ready for the December billing month rush.

While I had a few ideas for witty posts and interesting thoughts, it occured to me that I just do not have the time to be creative enough to do them credit, nor do I have the time to complete said masterpieces. Instead, I thought I would just let you know that I have not forgotten any of you...I still love you all.

Look for me, by sunrise on the third day. Look to the East. I shall return.

Oh, and just so you know: there was no Thanksgiving group bunny, although at one point something happened that came dangerously close to being the coolest thing I've ever encountered in my 27 years of life on this planet. I would give you more details, but I think my server is about to crash and I don't want to be cut off bef

Friday, November 25, 2005

The Day After Thanksgiving

It's a good thing I'm here at the office today. Otherwise I might have missed out on all the fun that comes from being at work the day after a holiday, when 85% of the population is still at home in their beds, sleeping and dreaming about turkey and dinner rolls. It's such a relief to know that while I sit here in this cubicle confine, my friends and family are enjoying themselves and taking advantage of the holiday and all that encompasses it with smiles on their faces and a skip in their steps.


I'm at work today, and I find it ridiculously frustrating due to the simple fact that I don't need to be at work today. You know why? Because I have no work to do. Nothing. Nada. I am sitting here staring at this screen as I write this wondering to myself what I am going to find to occupy myself for the next 8 hours. I'm pretty sure there's not enough information on the internet to keep me entertained for that long...especially since I can't view porn at work.

Why are you at work, if you have nothing to do?

Well, let me tell you. My boss decided that she wanted to have somebody in the office because it looked better for our director. She wanted us here to give the impression that we are a collective, team-playing unit who is focused on the goal of helping the company and rising to the challenge by increasing workload and helping the new paradigm business unit assess its goals and become more productive. Basically, it's bullshit. If she really gave a crap about being a team player and increasing workload, she would be here herself, instead of at home sleeping in her warm, comfy bed.

That's bullshit, Shanshu.

I know. It's repugnantly annoying. I'm so glad that all of the CEO's and Vice Presidents and Directors and Managers and Supervisors and Team Leads of corporate America are sleeping better right now at home with their families because I am here at work with all of the other pathetic, helpless losers who have no say in the process. Because of me, those corporate executives and money-pushers can rest easy because they know that while they are gone, nothing bad will happen at their precious office building like a fire because somebody will be there. I feel like nothing more than a paid human fire alarm. I should have a little fire whistle, or something.


Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

I'm going to give props now. Props are coming. Last week's winner for OSW would have to be Badtouch with this clever, funny, and most random office supply ever: fake booby on keyboard.
Congrats, Badtouch! You've won a free oven mitt!

I hope everybody has a safe and fun Thanksgiving holiday tomorrow. Since I have to work on Friday, I'll be back to post all about my turkey adventures and fun. Until then have a nice holiday!

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Blathering and Blubbering

  • My Kansas Jayhawks lost last night to Arizona. Since I'm only two steps away from being a full-blown Jayhawk basketball addict, my day pretty much sucks already. Most likely, this list will suck ass, as a result. Sorry.
  • My GMT conversion from UTC is UTC-6=CMT.
  • I've decided that puffy nipples do not turn me on. I'm not saying they're wrong or anything...they're just not my thing.
  • I'm getting a new computer for Christmas and I'm very excited for myself. Just think about all the blogging I can do when I'm not at the office! I might get as it happens group bunny stories! Holy crap, yo!
  • Even though my first official day of work at this new job was last Monday, I'm still listed as a contractor on all the internal web sites, and last night my old Contractor Firm called me to ask me why I hadn't faxed in my timecard for last week, yet. Apparantly, I am a man with no work boundaries. I walk alone. I am the Rogue Cubicle Warrior.
  • I've had the theme song from Highlander: The Series stuck in my head all morning and I have no idea why. I never even watched that show, dammit.
  • The new Harry Potter movie kicked so much ass, I can't even put it into words. So I won't try. I did see it twice this weekend, if that tells you anything.
  • I wasn't making that crap up in bullet #2. It's a conversion to Greenwich Mean Time from Universal Time Coordinate, for my current time zone (Central Mountain Time). So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.
  • I'm not going to tell you the fingercuffs story because there are too many people who read this, who know me and might judge me. I want to get a house someday.
  • Despite what people tell you, hot pink pants are not back in style.
  • To the pregnant girl who sits across the hall from me: I'm not hitting on you when I say hello. Get over yourself.
  • To the the old guy who sits behind me: Stop trying to touch me in my special private place while you're on break. It reminds me too much of Father McFeely.
  • I have to work the day after Thanksgiving. That blows goats with no condom, doesn't it?
  • Last night while watching the new Family Guy I realized that they use the "God as a bachelor" bit too often. It's just not funny anymore.
  • For those of you wondering how I watched the new Family Guy on a Monday night, please learn all about DVR.
  • If Ginger Kids have no souls, does that mean we're allowed to eat them, and not get fat?

Per Spinning Girl's request, here is a picture of Puffy Nipples (NSFW)

Friday, November 18, 2005

Gay Photo and Sexy, and Harry Potter

Ok, so this is the funniest thing ever. Are you ready for this? I hope so, because even if you're not ready for this, I'm going to bring it. Yeah, that's right: I'm bringing it. Prepare for the funny.

So, Pizzle's post about how StatCounter will show you a feature called "Came From" in which you have the chance to see how people came to view your site. Like Pizzle, most of my hits come from people and blogs that I know, but I do get the occasional random search string result that leads to my site.

Today I found the Holy Grail of all "came from" results for my blog. No search will ever be as funny, or yield the same results. The search result for which I speak is brought to you by MSN. Somebody out in the world decided they needed to search for the following:

gay photo and movie with sexy on the screen

I was the third hit on the page.

The third freaking hit about gay porn and sexy gave up my blog site as a potential match!!! Holy fucking funny, Batman! I laughed outloud and looked around the office for somebody to share the joy with. Then I remembered that I don't talk to anybody in the office unless it's work related because I hate this place. Then I stared at the search results a second time and laughed again.

Ah, to be famous. I only hope that when my new career of being sexy on the screen with gay photos blossoms into a very profitable and relaxing career, that I will find the time to continue to blog with you awesome people.

I think every now and then, I'm going to start spitting out some completely random shit, in the hopes that it will end up being something that somebody will search for, and I'll get more hits to my little blog world o' Shanshu here. Let's try it:

My guppy has died.
Girls with huge tits who love beans.
How do I fix my liver?
All anal apple puckers! Live! Free!
The grass has turned yellow.
My soul is dead.
The house is mean to me.
I fear pens.

We'll see if any of these yield me some results. I bet at least one of them will.

As many of you know, tonight marks the opening night for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and I'm sure that many of you are anxiously awaiting the time that you can go see it. I too will be seeing this movie tonight, on Opening Night. I've never liked opening night to see movies...always so crowded and noisy and full of people and chaotic and insane...ugh. No thank you. I usually wait until the Monday after, when it is calmed down and back to normal. But the girls want to go see it Shanshu is going to see it tonight. Blech.

I've discovered that most girls that I know prefer to go to movies on Opening Night...while many of the guys that I know, prefer the calmer times to go see the movie, as I do. I wonder if this is a universal guy thing? Or just a strange cooincidence? Let me know in the comments section...I'm very curious.

Anyway, Happy Friday and remember that a wise man is only as wise as the words he says which are not dumb.

PS: I was going to post a story about group bunny and fingercuffs, but I've been laughing too much to feel sexy enough to do such a thing. So I'll just let you imagine whatever you can. Toodles.

PPS: Is it lame to use "PPS" for a second PS? After all, PS stands for Post Script and so technically, if you have multiple post scripts, there should only be PS because it's still just a post script. But then again, maybe using Post POST Script shows that you're writing something post (after) the original post script. If that's the case, then using PPS is acceptable. Right? Crap I lost my train of thought. I'd better go catch the bus.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

My favorite words that start with W


  • What?
  • Where?
  • Why?
  • Wassup?
  • Whosyodaddy?


  • Wow!
  • Whoa!
  • Whump!
  • Woot!


  • Winged
  • Wet
  • Wicked


  • Wobble
  • Wrench
  • Wewind


  • Word!
  • Woo!

Wednesday, November 16, 2005


I bet some of you thought I forgot about this, didn't you? I bet some of you were thinking, "Shanshu hasn't posted in a few days...I wonder if he's going to slack off and stop doing OSW?" Well, fear not my gentle readers! I am here, and I have not abandoned you. Today is Office Supply Wednesday, and it's time to see who's got what it takes to be a true Shanshuee (a new word courtesy of Crystal). Will you rise to the challenge, or disengage? We shall see.

Since some people require some clarification on OSW, let's go ahead and do that now. Office Supply Wednesday is a chance for you to show us things that relate to the office, or the idea of the office. These can be items like Post-Its, pencils, pens, paper-clips, staplers...anything that you might find at an office, or an office environment. Anything remotely related to desks, offices, office supplies, cubicles, jobs, or the work environment in general will be acceptable.

They can be from your desk, or somebody else's. They can be something that you set on your desk. You can make fun shapes and structures with your office supplies, if you'd like. You can just take a picture of your desk at home, or some of the things on your desk at home. You can take a picture of your favorite pen to use at work, or your phone, or that troll doll that's still sitting on top of your monitor.

If you don't have a desk or an office or a cubicle, that's ok. Just give us a picture of something that might relate to something mentioned above. Heck, a post-it that says "Office Supply Wednesday" would be fine. Use your creativity!!! Have fun with it, dammit!

If you don't have a camera...wake up. It's 2005. Live in the now.

Every week I'll try to scour as many blogs as I can to find the best picture for Office Supply Wednesday. The winner will get notoriety and fame beyond their wildest dreams, as I will post their name and their picture on the weekly Office Supply Wednesday post. Bonus points will be awarded for anything relating to group bunny included in your OSW picture.

Last week's winner would have to be Spinning Girl with her clever use of Post-It's in a crazy artistic way that made me tickle myself with glee. Good job, Spinning Girl! You've won a free oven mitt.

So, grab those cameras kiddies... snap a picture, and let the joy of Office Supply Wednesday take a hold of you!!!!!

PS: Hopefully soon, I'll have a hot-button link thingy for you to put on your blog for Office Supply Wednesday, so people can link to this wonderful new trend. It's in the works at the moment, so be patient.

Monday, November 14, 2005

Busy, Like Bee.

In case any of you are wondering why I haven't posted for a few days, I'm writing to let you know what I'm not dead, maimed, injured, bleeding, sick, lonely, depressed, bored, tired, sexually frustrated, hungry, insane, easy, cheap, dirty, smelly, stiff, complicated, angry, or limp.

I am simply busy.

Hopefully tomorrow, I can create a normal post for your reading pleasure. For today, you're simply left wondering what my left testy looks like.

Happy Monday, and remember to always look both ways before you steal something.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

A Few Things That Intrigue Me

  • I have no problem with taking a 2 hour lunch, or leaving the office early...but I hate to be late to work, for some reason.
  • Feeling paper on my skin is the same thing as fingernails on a chalkboard, to me. It makes my teeth itch.
  • People who drive 15 mph under the speed limit probably don't think they are being as dangerous as the people who drive 15 mph over the limit.
  • When lighters get cold, the flame doesn't go as high.
  • No matter who you are, or where you some point in your life, some complete stranger will start a conversation with you that has nothing to do with anything.
  • I can eat any vegetable raw, but won't touch the same vegetable once it's cooked.
  • Men think it's sexy to watch 2 girls kissing...yet women don't think it' s sexy to watch 2 men kissing.
  • The Boondock Saints sequel still hasn't hit the theatres, yet.
  • People who put ranch dressing on top of their pizza.
  • The fact that there are some indigent people out there "too proud" to go on welfare, yet not too proud to beg for money on the street.
  • Carrot Top is actually funny to some people.
  • The human body, and how it works.'s like, the coolest thing ever.
  • Anybody who orders a double cheeseburger with extra sauce, large fries, and then a diet coke.
  • The fact that most people are so obsessed with asking "Why are we here? Where did we come from?" that nobody is asking the more important question "Where are we going?"
  • Tony Danza has a talk show.
  • Breasts.
  • I hate cherries, but love anything that is cherry flavored.
  • Taco Bell has had the worst commercials of any other fast-food restaurant for so long, I can't even remember when they didn't suck.
  • Most girls believe that giving oral sex is not as personal as having sex, while most men feel the complete opposite.
  • The Lincoln-Kennedy coincidences
  • Cary Grant never won an Oscar, but Jamie Foxx has.
  • No blogger girls have sent me a picture of their breasts yet.
  • There are parts of this earth that we have never seen, and probably never will.
  • Starbuck's has no problem with putting a Starbuck's across the street from another Starbuck's.
  • Ginger kids have no souls.
  • Office Supply Wednesday already has 5 participants!!
  • The word blogger is not in the Blogger spell-check dictonary


I stole this from Rowan

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

NaNoWrMo and Wednesday Office Supply

Ok, so this idea of mine to participate in the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWrMo) is starting to look like a huge mistake. At this point, I'm left with nothing more than feelings of inadequacy and a violent temper towards all things creative. First of all, I decided to axe my original novel idea, and go in a completely different direction…which means that I have started over on the 8th day of the contest…which means I’m more than a week behind. It also means that I have a very small chance of actually finishing before the deadline on the 30th, which means I’m a pathetic loser. Secondly, I think my story sucks ass, and needs to be drowned at the bottom of a very murky lake somewhere. I’m not even sure where I’m going with my plot, and I’ve found that the “come up with ideas as you go” technique may work for blog posts and term papers, but it does not work for a novel.

To be fair to myself, I only write when I am at work because I don’t have a computer of my own to waste time on. And even though many people have the ability to write out longhand on college-ruled paper with their favorite pencil…I cannot do that because I hate is so much, it makes my teeth itch. So I’m left with only being able to write a little bit each day while I’m at the office, in between my awesome blog posts, and my need for online chess and porn.


I guess I’m going to be a NaNoWrMo failure, but that’s ok. I sort of jumped into it, without knowing what it was and so now it’s slapping me upside the head and calling me Sally. I’m expecting it to braid my hair and put me in a dress by next Thursday.

On a different subject, I’ve decided to start a new “thing” here in the blog-universe. Most of us have heard of Half-Naked-Thursdays and just recently have I heard of Self-Portrait Tuesdays and so that got me to thinking: I can exploit a day for my own selfish desires, as well. There’s nothing on Wednesdays that I am aware of, and so today is going to start being “Office Supply Wednesday”. I’m calling it that, because it sums up the whole thing rather well. I may change the name when I am more creative, but for now we’ll just stick with that.

The premise is simple: on Wednesdays, take a picture of something on your desk and then post it. It’s really that simple. Here are the rules: It must be a picture of something on your desk/in your office. It must not contain any fish. That's about it. I don’t expect this to catch on, but I figure at the very least ONE other person will do it, and then I can start telling people that I am a leader, or something. If nobody else does this, then I’ll feel like a loser and I’m pretty sure I’ll boil my own head to help quell the emotional pain and rejection.

So anyway, happy Office Supply Wednesday!!!

Monday, November 07, 2005

Sexy Star Wars Weekend

I'm not sure how my weekend turned into a geek weekend, but it did. Apparently, having no major plans by Friday can hinder your ability to have crazy naked fun time with pickles, and leaves you with very few options to occupy your time. This is when you find yourself in the mood to do a full apartment cleaning and organization, complete with sweeping the outside deck and putting all of your DVD's into genre order, rather than the previous order of alphabetical. We vacuumed, we dusted, we organized the closets...we were anal-retentive cleaning machines who were focusing on the goal and giving 110% with a new cleansing paradigm of quality control within the home unit.

That lasted about 3 hours, and then we were bored again.

Luckily, we had some friends over for a good night of geek-tastic fun: Star Wars video games and take-out food. Aw, yea. The girls were in the bedroom watching a movie (and by "watching a movie" I mean "watching a movie"...I told you it was a dull weekend) while the boys stayed in the living room defending the galaxy from the evil Galactic Empire. Star Wicky-wicky-wild fun, yo.

Since Saturday night was mainly spent playing Star Wars, Sunday was going to be a new day and a fresh start...a chance to take advantage of the weekend with fun plans, exciting meals, and good times.

We ended up having a Star Wars movie marathon.

Like I said, I'm not sure how this happened, but it did. Rest assured that next weekend will be weekened, we'll be sure to watch Harry Potter and play magic games. Woo!

Happy friggin Monday.

Friday, November 04, 2005

It's Friggin Friday, Bitches!

A Friday Haiku:

The end of the week,
the start of my weekend fun,
Monday can suck it.

A Friday Joke:

On Friday, two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

A Friday List of Random Thoughts:
  • The word ALSO is the most deceitful word we have that I can think of. Think about how often we use it, to help cover up our lies? When you send an email to a person that starts off with "Hey how are you? Hope things are going well" but then say "Also, I was hoping you could stop shitting in my yard" , the word also becomes the lie word. As if the entire purpose of your email was to play catch-up. Please. You sent the email so the guy would stop shitting in your yard, and yet you try to make it sound like a secondary reason, just to save face. The also is your lie word...the word that helps cover up your crap. We should have a day to celebrate the crap that also puts up with.
  • I had to lookup the word introspective today and I felt really stupid for needing to do that, for some reason. As a prospective writer, I feel it is my duty to know the uses and meanings of all words in the English language, or else I'm a failure.
  • Last night, after doing battle with an unusually large and hostile looking spider, I found myself wondering if the thorax is a part of insects only, or if arachnids also have them?
  • I've seen the word Kudos so many times today, that I suddenly have a desire to eat a Kudos bar. Remember those things? Do they still have them? I bet they do.
  • Almost all yogurt tastes the same to me, unless it's blueberry. Also, the other night I had a sex dream about one of the blogger gals.
  • I got a compliment today about how good of a job I'm doing at the office and I couldn't help but feel a twinge of pride and excitement. Goddammit.
  • Last night, I swear I heard Jen say the phrase "Fart Pizza" to describe a cleaning product. She denies it.
  • I have absolutely no plans this weekend and I don't care.
  • Q is my favorite letter today. I have no reason for this.
  • I found this site today and it's very interesting to me, which tells me that I am not in the mood to be working, this morning.
  • Paying bills blows goats, especially when you can't afford to pay all your bills. Let's all just stop paying bills, and see what happens. We'll start on November 14th.
  • I want Chinese food for lunch.

Fridays in History: Black Friday (September 24, 1869)

Random Friday Porn: NSFW

Friday's Word of the Day: Apian-Of or relating to bees.

Happy FRIDAY everybody! Also, I think I might have killed your cat.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Fonglehorns and Narfufs

There's a new Foamy cartoon out! Stuff like this helps brighten my day.

This woman is fucking crazy. I mean, really.

Sexy virtual bartenders...this is no bad here.

This kid rides the short bus to school:

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

I'm Flabbergasted About My Indifference

I've been starting at this screen for a few minutes now, lost in the randomness of my thoughts in a desperate search for something interesting to write about. So far, nothing has come to mind and I have been reduced to writing this inner-monologue type paragraph that has nothing to do with anything, other than the fact that I don’t have anything intelligent or witty to say, whatsoever. I do not believe I could be funny today, even if I tried to be. No joke or glib witticism could possibly overpower the apathetic feelings that are brewing within the confines of my boredom. I could give you some type of funny list, or humorous anecdote…but honestly, I wouldn’t be into the writing of it, and it would just come out crappy and forced and lame.

Instead, I’ve decided to appeal to the visual side of my readers in order to help stimulate positive feelings that may possibly lead to phrases such as “great post” or “that was good” in the comments section. If not, that’s acceptable as well.

Here’s a cute photo.

Here’s a sexy photo.

Here’s a scary photo.

Here’s a sad photo.

Here’s a boring photo.

Here’s a funny photo.

Here’s a high school photo (thanks Elizabeth)

Here’s a fast photo.

Here's a slow photo.

Here’s a photo.

Happy Wednesday, everybody. Be sure to tell somebody you love them, treat yourself well, and always rub counter-clockwise.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Post-Halloween Post

  • Good news: My pirate costume came out great, and I was very happy with the results. I even got to wear a sash, which is the first time I've ever done that. Very exciting. Bad news: There were 8 other people dressed as pirates at the party I attended, so my costume was barely noticed.
  • Good news: There were at least 3 girls at the party wearing corsets and showing cleavage. Better news: I got the chance to "drum" on 6 different boobies at the party. Bad news: I didn't sleep with any of them because I passed out.
  • Best costume at the party: Pizzle going as Hot Shit.
  • Sexiest costume at the party: Jen going as a slutty pirate. Argh!
  • Coolest costume at the party: Some guy came dressed as Spike and he looked great, complete with a nice British accent. Woot.
  • Something learned: Tying a corset is a difficult thing to do. It's especially difficult when said corset is applied upside down.
  • Random sexy moment: At one point, a girl I had just met asked me to spank her. I'm assuming she was kidding, but since I was a pirate and had drank my fair share of rum, I took her up on the offer and gave her a nice, hard slap to the ass. She yelped and then made a sound that reminded me of how girls sound as they eat chocolate ice cream and I knew that she liked it.
  • The host of the party had forgotten about the costume contest, and so he just started giving out prizes to the people he liked the most. I won a smoking baby, which is now sitting proudly on my desk.
  • I just figured out that the smoking baby actually smokes, and now I'm pissed that I brought him to the office, where I can't light him up. Maybe I'll take him back home.
  • At one point, I found Pizzle sitting on the hood of a car, staring out into the distance. I asked him what was wrong with him, and the most I got out of him was the following sentance: Nothing. Stomach. Drinking. Not Bad. Rest.
  • How I interpreted this sentance: Oh, nothing is wrong with me, Shanshu. I just have a bit of a stomach ache at the moment, probably caused by the excess drinking. It's not too bad, and I think that I'll be ok as long as I can rest for a bit.
  • Number of girls who made out at the party: 4
  • Number of times guys tried to hit on my friend Christine: 2
  • Number of guys that struck out with my friend Christine: 2
  • Different types of candy eaten this weekend for Halloween: Almond Joy, Reeses, 3 Musketeers, Kit-Kat, Hershey's
  • Different types of alcohol consumed for Halloween: Wine, beer, rum, mead
  • Amount of fun had: A plethora of fun.

Happy Tuesday!

Random Tuesday Funny: This shit had me laughing so hard, I think I broke something.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Gamer Geek Video of the Month

Check out this guy. He completes the entire Super Mario Bros. 3 game in 11 minutes! This poor bastard has nothing better to do with his time, and I'm pretty sure he still lives in his mom's basement searching for naked pictures of Star Trek females to download.
Whoever you are, I salute you. You are the Gamer Geek of the month. Congratulations.
I hope everybody has a fun and safe Halloween weekend. I plan on having as much pirate group bunny as my little feet can handle.
See you on Monday.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

BuyCostumes.Com and Why They Suck

Voice Recording: Thank you for calling! We appreciate your business. All of our operators are currently assisting other customers. Please hold. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Me: Yeah I'm sure it will, you silly bastard.

Voice Recording: What?

Me: Huh?

Voice Recording: Did you just say something?


Voice Recording: Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure you said something.

Me: Nope. You must be hearing things. Now, turn on that funky Musak for my listening pleasure.

Voice Recording: I don't appreciate that, you know.

Me: What?

Voice Recording: You, calling me names. I'm just doing my job. You don't have to verbally attack me. It's not like I can control how many people call in at any given point.

Me: You're right. I'm sorry...I'm just frustrated at the moment. It's not your fault.

Voice Recording: Thanks. Trust me, your call will be answered in the order it was received. I promise.

Me: Ok, thanks.

Voice Recording: Don't mention it. Here comes the Musak.

(music plays) Thank you for calling! How can I help you?

Me: You suck. Ok then. I assume that this is not a customer satisfaction phone call?

Me: In the sense that my customer satisfaction is in negative numbers, it is. Super. Just what I needed, today. More complaints.

Me: Maybe if you didn’t suck so bad, you wouldn’t get so many complaints. Touché. How can I help you?

Me: I ordered a costume from you on Monday. I paid for it, and then you shipped it. Ok.

Me: Today, it was delivered to my doorstep. Was the box broken?

Me: No. Go on.

Me: I took the box inside and opened it, only to discover that it was the wrong costume. Are you sure?

Me: What? Are you sure, that it was the wrong costume?

Me: Yes. What did you order?

Me: Item number 133994. It's a pirate costume. And what did you receive?

Me: Not a pirate costume. Humor me. What did you get?

Me: You sent me an executioner costume. Wow, that's not even close!

Me: I know. So, what do you want from me?

Me: The pirate costume I paid for. Ok, let me check on something.

Me: Ok.

(Musak plays) That particular costume is currently out of stock.

Me: Of course it is. I take it, that you do not like the executioner costume we sent you?

Me: No. It’s lame. Fine. Is there another costume you would like?

Me: Sure. How about a pirate? Nice try. We're out of pirate costumes.

Me: ALL of them? Yes, all of them.

Me: This is yet another example of why you suck. I knew you would say that.

Me: So what do you suggest I do? I can either refund your money, or you can trick-or-treat as an executioner.

Me: I'm 27. Pardon me?

Me: I'm 27 years old…I don’t go trick-or-treating anymore. I see. Well, you can just send back the executioner costume and I'll refund your money. Then everybody is happy.

Me: Not really. Why is that?

Me: Because that doesn’t change the fact that I have no costume to wear for the parties I'm attending this weekend. That is a pickle.

Me: I thought so. How can you help me? I could find you a pirate costume.

Me: Yes! But I don't have any, so I won't.

Me: ...I hate you. I know. Do you want me to go into the warehouse and see if I can find a pirate costume for you?

Me: Gee, that would be swell. I thought you'd like that. Please hold.

(Musak plays) Ok, I'm back. It turns out that your costume is still was never shipped .

Me: You're just messing with me now, aren't you? No, really. I found it under some magazines. I'll go ahead and ship it out today, so you should have it by tomorrow.

Me: Good deal. What about this lame executioner costume? Send it back to me.

Me: Will you pay for that? You are a picky little bastard, aren't you?

Me: I guess I am. Are you going to pay for that? Fine. I'll send you a check.

Me: Good. So my pirate costume is coming to me tomorrow? Yes.

Me: If you're trying to pull a fast one on me, I swear on everything holy that I will fucking kill you. Understood. Anything else I can do for you, today?

Me: No. Thanks for calling, and have a great day!

Me: Thank you.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Paris Hilton and Other Scary Things

Has anybody else noticed the lack of scary movies on television this week? This is supposed to be the time of year when we have the opportunity to watch our favorite scary movie favorites like Friday the 13th, Poltergeist, and Freddy Got Fingered. This is the week when you should hear fake Halloween adjectives like ‘spooktacular’ and ‘fright-tastic’ describe upcoming events. I can remember growing up and not being able to turn on the TV without running into a Dracula movie or seeing somebody hacked into itty-bitty bits around this time of year. This year I’ve actually been searching for scary things to watch, and so far my search has yielded a strong desire to punch my couch, and nothing more.

Stupid couch.

I could start on a rant about how Halloween has become too sissy in recent years, and how the corporate commercialization has turned its collective head away from ghouls and goblins and instead begun to market things like a new Paris Hilton Halloween Special on Fox, complete with advertisements for a new politically correct costume for all ages that is family fun and environmentally safe, rather than scary. I won’t even begin to discuss the lack of blood smears and cobwebs around this office….please don’t get me started. I’m THIS close to going to a party shop today and buying some plastic spiders and skeletons to decorate my cubicle with just to piss off the prissy, goody-two-shoes* coworkers that surround me in this hell hole.

I won’t rant about corporate commercialization, or discuss the lack of spooky decorations. I'll let my favorite squirrel Foamy handle that. Today I choose instead to focus on the lack of adequate scary movies being offered up to us on this pre-Halloween week, and why it is making me punch my stupid couch.

Remember the Great Pumpkin? Sure, you do. When I was young, The Charlie Brown Halloween Special was one of the signs that Halloween was coming soon. I haven’t seen that special for years, and last night as I was flipping channels and punching my stupid couch, I ran across the tail end of it. Oh, spooktacular Halloweeney joy erupted from within my inner child as I watched those goofy kids sitting in the pumpkin patch at night, waiting for the arrival of The Great Pumpkin. As always, watching the special was my signal that it was time to get serious about Halloween.

So last night became a Halloween entertainment quest for Jen and I.

This is when I began to notice the utter lack of anything spooky or freaky or ghoulishly terrific on the television, and I began to hear that little cynic inside my head start to shout out curses at parent’s groups and religious zealots who think Halloween is a Satan holiday, so they pull holiday programming to help save our children. Ignoring the little voice, I continued to flip channels in search of something that would help keep me in the Halloween mood…to no avail.

I was thwarted. There was nothing scary to watch, and the thought of another night of sitcoms and courtroom dramas filled me with enough dread to host two of my own Halloween specials at the same time, with dancing and cake. Refusing to admit defeat, I grabbed my keys and Jen and I headed to my local rip-off video store to rent some good scary movies to help quell our desire for spooky fun.

Once again, I was brutally rebuffed. My choices ranged from Anacondas 2 to Mosquito Boy, or some such shit. Where were the good scary movies? We asked the guy working the counter if he could point us to the “good horror movie” section, only to be told that they didn’t have one. We even asked for Psycho…a great scary movie…a classic. They didn’t fucking have it.

Somebody shoot me.

We settled on the remake of The Amityville Horror and headed home to watch our movie in peace and spooky quiet. Expecting a crap film, I poured myself a bourbon and settled down for what would most likely be another boring movie night during a crappy week of non-Halloween entertainment sitting on my stupid couch.

We watched it. I peed myself. Twice. On my couch. While screaming. Like a little girl. The movie was freaky, spooktacular, scary Halloween fun that made me a kid again in the sense that I called my mom and asked her to come over and tuck me in. With the light on. Don’t turn that fucking light off, mom or I'll fucking kill you. Crack the door, too. Shut the closet. Give me the shotgun. Holy crap that movie was creepy.

I’m not saying it was the scariest movie ever made, nor am I saying that it was the best horror film I’ve ever seen…I’m simply saying that I peed myself twice on my couch while screaming like a little girl as I watched it. I urge you to draw your own conclusions.

So my quest for scary Halloween entertainment was not in vain; I scared myself silly and went to bed being wary of noises and shadows…good times!

Happy Almost Halloween.
Happy Wednesday.
Happy oh my fucking God what the fuck is that in the corner with a knife?! Ahhhhhhhhhh!

This is really scary
So is this

*I apologize for using the phrase "goody-two-shoes", but I could think of no other group of words that would adequately describe the situation.
**If you didn't check out the Foamy Halloween rant cartoon, you really should do that.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Crazy Rambling Time!

Today I'm going to try something different. I'm going to try this thing where I type out random crap and useless information as it comes to me, in my gargantuan cranium. Some of it may make sense, and some of it may not make sense. But either way, it should be an entertaining read. If it’s not, then we’ll all know that this won’t become a new Shanshu staple.

Ok let’s begin. For some reason, on the way to work today I had the song from Mortal Kombat in my head, and I have no idea how it got there. Also, on the way to work yesterday, I was listening to the radio and managed to catch Ice, Ice Baby and The Humpty Dance in a back-to-back retro request hour. I couldn’t help but get jiggy with it in my car as I attempted to ignore the people watching me.

Sometimes I wonder if people are watching me that are dead. Then I start to wonder if I am watching myself, as I am dead. You see, if you look at the universe as it probably is, which is a state of time being a relative and ignorable event, you can theorize that after we die, we will no longer be linear, time-based beings…but all time beings, all at once. If this is the case, then I wonder if my dead, timeless self is watching my present self RIGHT NOW. Then I wave.

I really like the little envelopes that pop up in the bottom right corner of the computer screen, letting me know that new mail has just arrived. It makes me feel happy that somebody is taking the time to send something to me. Then I begin to wonder who it is, and try to guess. 80% of the time, I am correct. I don’t know where I got the 80% figure…I just made it up. It could be a completely different number.

I like Halloween, a lot. I’ve always liked it, and not just the candy thing. That never was that exciting to me, to be honest. I just liked going around and going to strange houses and dressing up and being different for a change. I like it now, because it is such a sexy holiday. SO SEXY…some of the outfits girls wear on Halloween are border-whore outfits but none of us care because it is Halloween and anything goes. You could see a nerd librarian girl dressed up like a hooker on Halloween, and that makes it a sexy holiday.

What happened to the show Dead Like Me? I wasn’t a huge fan of it, but I watched a lot of the episodes and I thought the premise was pretty entertaining, but I just realized I haven’t seen it in a long time. Speaking of TV shows, mine are starting to piss me off. Lost can suck my nuts…seriously. I think this is my last season. Prison Break is still good, but it’s starting to get cheesy.

Shhh! It’s quiet. Yeah, a little too quiet.
This is easy. Yeah, a little too easy.
Look! There’s Raph! Yeah….a little too Raph.

That was the most obscure TMNT reference ever. I hope at least one person picked up on it. If not, then I feel like a complete dork. I'm not even sure which movie came from...the second one, I think. I remember Vanilla Ice was in it, as well. Creepy. That's the second time I've thought about him today. That's 2 times, too many.

Now I’m thinking about dead people watching me, and how sexy Halloween is. So I’m both turned on, and freaked out at the same time. Reminds me of my first time. WOW. I have not that about that for a long time…my first time. It wasn’t that great, but the first time never is, they say. It was just the fact that I had finally had sex. The big S. I’m pretty sure I lasted a whole 15 seconds and that might be an exaggeration, but I’m not sure. The girl was weird and I didn’t even like her that much…but she was willing to sleep with me, and so that counted for something. Looking back, I should have stayed home and watched TV.

Chili’s has much better boneless buffalo wings than Applebee’s. I’m not even hungry right now, so I’m not sure where that came from. Damn my head is full of random crap, isn’t it?

I think I should stop, now. It’s getting pretty crowded up in my brain, and it’s starting enjoy this whole random thing a little too much. A little too Raph. I need to stop now.

Happy Tuesday. I’m going to start saying that everyday until somebody says it back to me. Then I’ll stop for a week, and probably start it up again because it’ll be funny in a strange, delayed way. People like delays.

PS: Go to Google Images and type in Ice, Ice Baby and see what the first result is. NOT what I expected to get. Talk about random.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Comedy Shows, Makeovers, and Smut

Well, here we are again…another Monday is upon us. A new week has sprung up and replaced the wonderful happiness of the weekend. While I am never in the mood for Mondays, and they usually cause me great least it’s not cold outside, and that helps to keep me sane.

Oh, wait…it IS fucking cold outside. Happy friggin Monday, indeed. Bah.

I trust that you all had a pleasant weekend filled with drunken debauchery, group bunny, and sinful amounts of takeout food? If not, then at the very least I sincerely hope that you had the chance to do things that brought you joy. As for myself, I spent most of the weekend at home, doing chores and relaxing and working off the horrible hangover that was produced from Friday night’s activities.

What’s that, you say? You’d like to know more? Well, kiddies…grab some carpet and tie your shoes, because I’ll tell you more about my exciting Friday night if you are good.

Friday night, we all went out to a comedy troupe in Lawrence (home of the University of Kansas) called The Victor Continental Show. It’s a comedy show filled with sketch comedy, drinking games, and local humor. The host of the show calls himself Victor Continental, and his character is very similar to a drunken, horny Ricky Ricardo. It’s a good time, and a chance to get wasted during an interactive show while watching some pretty humorous skits about anything from Evolution in Kansas, to strippers with nipple stickers. Good times, indeed.

Speaking of the show, I just found out that my girlfriend is a mini-celebrity because of last year’s performance. As I said, some of the show is interactive, and sometimes Victor brings people up on stage for various comedic reasons. Sometimes he even brings people up on stage for a combination of comedic and sexual reasons. My girlfriend is one such example.

I won’t bore you with details…since it’s much easier to just let you watch the video!!! She’s only in the first minute of the video, but feel free to watch more of the show, if you are so inclined. Jen got to get up on stage and receive a free shirt for doing nothing more than showing her ass and being a little bit smutty. Not in a tacky way, though…in a very cute, sexy way. I’m proud of her.


Anyway, the show was great and we all had a really good time. I managed to drink way too much again, and that caused problems for me later on. We stayed up late and had fun and I got home late and got a chance to make up for all the regurgitation I missed out on last weekend, so that was good. Saturday was spent in recover mode, and Sunday was reserved for laundry and apartment cleanup.

Not the most exciting weekend, but at least I had a blast on Friday night. Sadly, Jen didn’t get up on stage again...but I did see a drunken girl in a cocktail dress pull her dress all the way up to show her ass to the crowd; so that was a good time. Later on, I saw the same poor girl outside on the curb with her legs spread open while she smoked a cigarette and had a very drunken conversation with her female friend, who was completely oblivious to her friend’s new found desire for attention.

Gotta love college towns.

Blog Makeover:

Some of you may have noticed the new look of my blog! Some of you may not know what the hell I am talking about because you are too busy soaking up my wit and knowledge to worry about things like templates. In any case, I have a new blog template. Thanks so much to Cricket for helping me out with my new look. When I say “helping out” of course I mean “doing the whole thing herself”. She came up with the design and made the changes and I think she did a great job! Now you can all be jealous because I got one of the new Ultimate Blog Makeovers! Thanks again, Cricket!

Monday’s joke of the day:

There were three men stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. One day the island natives surrounded them, unhappy to see Americans on their island. The angry chief gave them a choice. "Death or unga-bunga?" He shouted.
The first man really didn't want to die, so he chose unga-bunga. The entire tribe then bent him over a fallen tree, and butt-fucked him.
The second man said, "Man, I don't want to sound gay or anything, but I definitely don't want to die either. Okay....unga-bunga." The entire tribe bent him over a fallen tree and butt-fucked him.
The third man, disgusted by his friends' decisions, shouted, "Death!" To that, the chief shouted, "Death by unga-bunga!"

Random Blog Post Using the Term "Bunny":

Amanda's Blog (check out item #2)

Happy Monday!!!!

PS: Anybody know what happnened to Ashley? Her site is still down...