Monday, February 20, 2006

People We Should Destroy

  1. Hands-Free Cell Phone Users Who Are Not in the Car: Are these people effing kidding me? Do they really think they are so cool, that they constantly need both hands to gesture while they gab away on their mobile brain cancer inducing telecommunications devices? Please. Everybody I see using one of these, is usually doing something that does not require the use of both limbs. For instance...sitting outside smoking, walking down the hallway, even sitting on their couch. Yes, I've seen somebody do this. Their phone rang, and they picked up their cute little hands-free device, and then they put it into their ear, and then they answered the phone. These people truly blow me away with their laziness.
  2. One-Floor Elevator Riders: Seriously, these people annoy me beyond the telling of it. They make me want to punch things until the rage goes away, and that is not just colorful imaging I'm using. These bastards that get onto the elevator at the first floor, only to exit on the second floor...oh dear Lord they should be destroyed. With fire. Twice. I hate them more than hands-free cell phone users who aren't in the car. I know that some people have some legitimate reasons for riding the elevator for only one floor: bad knees, back pain, missing toes. Those people are ok...but the rest of the people are just fat, lazy bastards with no self-confidence and a lack of courtesy. I have to ride the elevator because I'm on the top floor of my building...these punks who are on the 2nd floor have NO right to ever step foot into my elevator unless they are dragging a gimp leg behind themselves. They reek of lame.
  3. Oblivious Office Talkers: Somebody please kick a fork into my head. These people annoy me so much, I've debated what it would be like to burn my ears off so I don't have to listen to them anymore. They seem to have no idea that the people around them hate their stupid guts with a fiery passion that consumes all. They walk into your office and start (without segue way of any kind) to ramble on about whatever pops into thier stupid brains at that exact moment in time. It doesn't matter if you're on the phone, typing up a spreadsheet, or performing open-heart surgery. These bastards who think you like them will come bother you whenever they feel like it to let you know that they spent the weekend building a new entertainment center. I actually had a guy here at my office come into my cubicle, see that I was on the phone, and ask "Are you going to be long?". Since it was a personal call and was not important, I got off the phone and turned to my colleague to see what the situation was. The idiot then proceeded to tell me about the new computer he was thinking of buying later that week. I almost choked him, I swear on everything holy, I did.
  4. Slow Drivers: I can't say enough bad things about these people. They suck.
  5. People Who Think the Harry Potter Books Are Evil: So lame, they limp. I hate these people. They have nothing better to do all day, than to point fingers at everything that doesn't revolve around the church and label it as Satanist propaganda. Like JK Rowling is a demon straight from hell, sent to earth to lead us astray, or something? Please. This is just stupid. Apparently, if a book isn't about Jesus or people who believe in Jesus, it's an evil piece of literature that should be destroyed in the fire from whence it came. Excuse me while I go flog myself. I bet these idiots don't drink Mountain Dew because the word 'demon' can be spelled using the letters: Mountain Dew.
  6. The Guy Who Empties my Trash: Ok, I'm not sure if he deserves to be destroyed or not, but whenever he comes in to empty my trash he always moves my trash can to a place far away from where it was, before. I have to put it back to its proper place everyday, and it bugs me.
  7. People Who Are afraid of Catching The Gay From Brokeback Mountain: Just go see the movie, you freak. It's not going to make you a homosexual, I promise. Only watching Oprah does that. Ask Pizzle.
  8. Spammers: All spammers must die, and I know that you all agree with me. Let's grab some pitchforks, brandish some torches, and head to their houses. No court would convict us...unless the judge is a 1-floor elevator rider. Then we're screwed.

12 comments:

Maccafreak said...

I'm so with you!! I work on the 17th floor. Everyday I get in the elevator from the lower level and every damn time someone pushes 1. I hate people who can't walk up 1 flight of stairs.

Pizzle said...

I have pleny of Obvlivious Office Talkers. You'd think that being on the phone would be enough to signal "fuck off", but it isn't. I feel ya on that one.

That Mountain Dew thing was hilarious...how long did it take you to think of a product that worked? So awesome...

Oh, and I hate you in the face for the Oprah thing...

*holds up Care Bear so as not to have to look at you*

ash said...

What a coincidence, I was thinking of blogging about how much I hate 1-floor lift riders after I had it happen to me twice on the same short journey. But I couldn't think of a whole post revolving around that one issue.

PS what does the EE stand for at the top of your blog?

DaMasta said...

Bwuaahaahaahaaa!! Shit, man, you crack me the fuck up! And now I'm laughing even harder cause Pizz said, "i hate you in your face"! WTF?!? LOL..

Anyways, when I started my job, I noticed there was an elevator and RIGHT NEXT to the fucker was a stair case. I looked up in awe [it's a pretty tall building] and I asked my co-worker how many floors the building had. She answered two. Two fucking floors and only ONE employee with a gimp leg. WOW. Do you know how many people wait for the elevator? They wait there in the time it takes me to run up the stairs and back again atleast 7 times! Gaaaah!

DaMasta said...

Fuck slow drivers! It's an epidemic, really. I'll be driving down the freeway here in Houston, and there will just be slow cars on the fucking freeway. Just going slow. Just fucking going slow. For NO EARTHLY REASON! Why the fuck are you just GOING SLOW? I don't get it. I want to rip their arms off so they're not allowed to drive anymore.

MOVE, BITCH!

Shanshu said...

maccafreak: It's annoying, isn't it? People can be so lazy. It makes my butt itch.

pizzle: lol yeah I had to search for the Mountain Dew thing. I tried Coca Cola, Pepsi, Sprite, etc until I got to the right one.

oh, and you like men. in the face.

ash: Never be afraid of the short blog post. I've done that many times, and it's always worked out.

EE=Eros Education. Like, sex school. Ok I made that up. I have no idea what it means. Sadly, I did not create my own banner background because my html knowledge is limited.

damasta: lol chica YOU crack me up because of how I am able to crack YOU up.

Dammit now I'm smiling and I hate smiling this early in the morn'.

DaMasta said...

I usually only smile this early if I had morning-sex.

Shanshu said...

Which begs the question...did you have morning sex today? Or are you smiling because of the blog funny?

Think Frustrated said...

No offense to fat people, but it always seems to be the biggest lazy slobs who need to take the fucking stairs who take the one-flight elevator ride.

I have a kid, so we have a stroller. If we go to, for instance, the mall, where there are escallators and elevators, it totally gets on my nerves when they are to lazy to even take the damn escallator! It's stairs that move.

"Escallators can never break. They can only become stairs. The sign says, ESCALLATOR TEMPORARILY STAIRS. SORRY FOR THE CONVENIENCE." Mitch Hedberg

Shanshu said...

Frustrated: You took the words right out of my mouth. And you're right, most of the time it's the fat people.

Take the stairs a little more often, and you'll stop wheezing when you move your arm to reach for the cookies, fatty!

Cripes.


Oh, and no offense to fat people. I love you. In the face.

*wheeeze*

DaMasta said...

Yeah, right! I wish I had morning-sex today. I had morning-sex the day after Valentines Day, though. Which means, of course, that I had night-sex on Valentines Day. W00t for me.

Jen said...

I hate indigenous people and fat people. I especially hate fat Native Americans.