Friday, September 30, 2005

Hark! The Weekend is Upon Us!

Now THAT is the kind of partying I want to do this weekend! Hopefully I'll have some stories for my loyal readers on Monday. Until then, have a shot in my honor.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Pain and Pleasure: A Blog-Thesis

Pain: usually localized physical suffering associated with bodily disorder (as a disease or an injury); also : a basic bodily sensation induced by a noxious stimulus, received by naked nerve endings, characterized by physical discomfort (as pricking, throbbing, or aching), and typically leading to evasive action.

During a recent video research session relating to the mating rituals and habits of the California-based porneus starius, I found myself pondering an arousing and interesting thought. This thought came to me ever so gently, as I was giving a routine breast exam to the young lady beside me. During the procedure, the female began to show signs of arousal at my touch and urged me to continue in a more provocative manner. I obliged, and slowly started to squeeze the nipple of her left breast between my thumb and forefinger in a gentle yet firm manner. Upon doing so, the female began to moan and rotate her pelvis in a counter-clockwise motion while digging her nails into the arm of the sofa. Soon, she began to request an increase in the pressure on her nipple with varying degrees of urgency and desire. Her verbal commands of “harder…please, harder!” instigated the increased nipple squeezes which led to the moment when I found myself pondering the arousing and interesting thought: I'm touching a boobie!

I continued to increase the pressure to her nipple, while trying to keep myself from squeezing too hard, thus prematurely ending the breast exam. However, to my surprise the female continued to request that more pressure be introduced to the squeezing of the mammary protuberance, until I found myself compressing it at levels which bordered on pain and lunacy. When this level was reached, the female began to inhale and exhale deeply, while biting her lower lip and continuing to dig her nails into the sofa. It was then, that she displayed what many researchers refer to as “throes of passion” which would inevitably lead to the moment of orgasm. At this point it was decided to continue the exam in a more private location where I would be able to “bust a nut” in a controlled research scenario.

After the session was concluded and I had completed all of my research, I found myself wondering about the correlations between pain and pleasure. Where does one end, and the other begin? Are they synonymous? Do they exist in a causational relationship? Can too much pleasure be painful, or too much pain be pleasurable? The questions swirled in my mind, and I found it difficult to fall asleep as I lay there next to my research subject. I decided that more testing had to be done.

* * *

Of course, we all know that some people enjoy pain; the common term of masochism is defined as a sexual perversion characterized by pleasure in being subjected to pain or humiliation. Well, this definition doesn’t quite fit all of the possible scenarios for enjoying the sensation of pain, in my opinion. Why is it automatically sexual? Haven’t you ever been aroused by pain in ways that you would not expect?

-Hair Pulling : Why do some women enjoy having their hair pulled during sex?
-Indian Burns: They can hurt, that is true…but I can recall asking to receive them when I was a child. Why would I ask for pain, if there wasn’t some part of me that enjoyed that particular stimulus?
-Spanking: This started out as an act of punishment when we were children, and yet many adult women (and men) find themselves sexually aroused by the act, as they mature.
-Hot tubs: the water is usually above 100 degrees, and can ever turn our skin red from the excess heat…yet we moan and smile with pleasure as we lay there.
-Back and Body Rubs: high levels of pressure on the back and muscles in an attempt to relieve stress. These can hurt like a sonofabitch and yet we ask for them because of how good they make us feel afterwards.

Pain and pleasure. Pleasure and pain…the two terms are completely opposite of each other on the dictionary spectrum, and yet they are surprisingly similar in their emotional outputs. A friend on mine once informed me that the look on a person’s face when they are in pain is the same look that a person can make during extreme pleasure moments (orgasms). This suggests that the body’s physical response can be the same for both negative and positive physical stimulus. Ohhhhhhhh interesting.

Example: The way a man reacts to ejaculation (body shakes, sharp intake of breath, flexing of the body) is the same way he would react to sitting in a tub of ice-cold water…minus the semen part.

Obviously, we can say that pain and pleasure are similar, and can invoke similar physical responses to stimuli. However, I do not think we can freely interchange the two. Rubbing one’s skin with a soft cloth is a pleasurable event; using steel wool is a painful event. While slaps to the buttocks can be both painful and pleasing at the same time, a severe beating with clubs and paddles leans towards the side of ouch.

I think we can also say that the same external physical stimulus can produce different internal emotions, based on circumstances. If you twist a woman’s nipple when she is in a state of sexual arousal, the act can be manipulated into a pleasurable and painful event. If you twist the nipple the same way while she is not in a state of sexual arousal, such as watching television or working on a research paper…the result would most likely be pain, for both parties involved.

So, some pain can be pleasurable…and some pleasures can be painful. But not all things that are painful are also pleasurable, and not all pleasing things are painful things. Black is not always white, and white is not always black. In order to go forward, you must take two steps back.

Pain and Pleasure…I’ve decided this is something worth exploring more. I’m going to borrow my friend’s horse whip for this weekend and see if I can do a little bit more research. Whinny like you love it, baby! Yee-haw.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Origins and the Mystery of Bunny

I have had a lot of people ask me lately, "Dude what the heck is group bunny?". What started out as a fun little catch-phrase has turned into a new saying amongst my friends and fellow bloggers. Because of this, I feel the need to make sure that everybody understands what the bunny means to me; to all of us. Even though I'm sure most people can get the gist of what group bunny is without asking for a translation, I'm betting that very few people remember why I started using this phrase, in the first place. So, in accordance with blogger code TK-421 I will re-publish the original "bunny" post for your enjoyment and quest for knowledge. Enjoy!

Don't bunny in my hair, I just washed it
Tuesday, March 29th 2005

Happy Easter! I trust that you all had a good Sunday with family and friends, and that all was enjoyable?

As some of you know, my Easter Sunday normally involves Church and dinner with my mother...sometimes accompanied by my uncle and/or grandmother. Since my family has never been large, holidays like Easter are never anything more than dinner, for the most part. This year, however, I was introduced to the world of big family holiday insanity. My guide for said event was my girlfriend Jenni, who tried her best to prepare me for "Meyer Easter Bash 2005".

In the morning, I met my mom at church for Sunday Easter service. It was nice, and I left with a general good feeling about life, the universe, and all the birdies in between. My mother even gave me an Easter basket, filled with eggs of all colors, which were in turn filled with goodies galore. Chocolate eggs and jelly beans and M&M’s abounded; topped off with a nice bottle of Merlot. Ah, yes. Wine and chocolate…the cornerstone of any perfect Easter basket.

I said farewell to mom, and headed back to the apartment to pick up Jen. Together, we headed towards her aunt’s house where the festivities were going to be held for the day.

We were among the first to arrive, and so much of the first part of the day was spent standing around and waiting for the other guests. This proved to be more difficult than it sounds, since Jen was still not 100% over her chest cold, and I was only on day 2 of my horrible stomach bug. So, needless to say, standing around sipping water for 2 hours was not the speediest road to recovery we could have been on.

Nevertheless, we managed to munch on some snacks and sip some drinks, and generally had a good time chatting away with Jen’s family and friends of the family. Now, when I say “family” I mean FAMILY. You know…like “I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse” family? Well, they aren’t a mob family, or anything. But there are enough of them, that I feel if they wanted, they could really create havoc in the crime world. They would be called the Meyer Mafia, and they would strike fear in the hearts of men…or something like that.

Anyway, she has a big family.

Eventually, they started the Meyer Easter 2005 scavenger hunt. Everybody was split up into teams, and those teams were then given tasks to complete. I guess this has been going on for years, and it’s become quite the reason for attending said Easter party. I’ve heard Jen talk about it before, and I was very curious as to what would be involved.

I looked on the team sheet, and saw that I was on team #7, while Jen was on team #2. Crap. That meant I would be on a team with people that I did not know, and that bodes badly. Although, it turned out that I already knew 2 of the members of my team, and Nelson was the only member I had to be introduced to. So, it turned out fine.

After the teams were together and ready, we received our “clue” sheet. It was basically a cryptic page about bunnies and the Oscars, the result of which would lead you to:

1-Name an Oscar-Winning actor who has the same first or last name as one of the Plaza Bunnies, that matches the clues on your team’s game sheet
2-Name the movie that actor won their Oscar for
3-Get a photo of your group along with the bunny statue on the Plaza that matches your team’s Oscar-winning actor
4-Figure out a scene from the movie that your team will act out for everybody else, later on.

Whew! I was now knee-deep in the famous Meyer Family Easter Bash.

My team’s actor turned out to be Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. So we piled into Nelson’s car, and drove down to the Plaza to search for a bunny named “Nicolas” or “Cage” or some other derivation. Luckily for us, Nelson already knew where a bunny statue was named “Nicolas” was, and so that saved us a heap of time and trouble. So we found the bunny, and gathered around it to take our team bunny photo. Then, we headed to Nelson’s house for a few props for our movie scene, and then headed back to Easter HQ.

After all the other teams arrived at the house, they began to prepare their skits and such, and so my team did the same. We decided to let Nelson play Nicolas Cage, and that 10-year old Madeline would play the hooker. Nice, huh? Well, we also decided it would be too hilarious if we grabbed direct quotes from the movie, and had the two of them read them in a “dramatic scene”. This would have been funny enough…but Nelson had the great idea to replace every bad word with the word “bunny” to keep with the theme.

Example: You can bunny me in the bunny. You can bunny on my face…just keep it out of my hair, I just washed it.

How great is that? So needless to say, after Nelson completed his very serious and dirty Nicolas Cage monologue using the term “bunny” every few seconds…the crowd was roaring with laughter and my team won the competition! Yay! Jen was happy for me…but also annoyed. I guess that in the 11 years she has been playing this Easter game, she has never won before. Bummer. I got a nice blue ribbon, and (from what Jen has told me) bragging rights for the next 6 months, so I was happy.

After the competition was over, we had dinner. Around this time, I checked my watch to notice that we had been a part of the Meyer Easter bash for almost 6 hours, already. Wow. Jen was feeling bad, and I was ready to go, as well. So after dinner, we decided it was time to leave. So, I survived my first Easter Bash, and I must say it was a good time. I think next year I’ll try really hard to win again…just so I can have bragging rights over Jen for a long time!

Nelson's Bunny Monologue:
"Are you bunny? Are you bunny? Maybe if you drank bunny with me, it would help. Maybe if you bunnied me and I could taste the sting in your bunny, it would help. If you drank bunny with me bunny. If you smelled of bunny as you bunnied me, it would help. It would increase my esteem for you. If you poured bunny onto your bunny body and said to me "bunny this". If you spread your bunnies and you had bunny dripping from your bunnies and your bunny and said "bunny here" then I could fall in love with you. Because then I would have a purpose. To bunny you up and that, that would prove that I'm worth something. I'd bunny you clean so that you could go away and bunny someone else."

Monday, September 26, 2005

Shanshu's "Not really trying" Post

I'm not going to try and make this post uber cool or awesome in any way. It's Monday, and if you know me at all you know I hate Mondays with a passion that is only rivaled by my contempt with my current employment. Put the two together, and you have a very uncreative and sassy Shanshu. Needless to say, this post won't be all that, and a bag of chips. Please don’t stop reading my blog, because I guarantee this post will make you want to kill yourself since it is going to S-U-C-K.

What I did this weekend:

-Friday night was dinner with my mommy and Jen at a friggin awesome steakhouse. There was a lot of dead cow involved, and a lot of beer. Then we went home and watched Crash and I fell asleep because the movie bored the ever-loving shit out of me. Blah blah racial stereotypes, blah blah everybody has problems, blah blah people are mean, blah blah we're all connected. The end.

-Saturday was the Renaissance Festival. The KC Ren-Fest has been a tradition of mine since I was a wee lad with a thirst for culture, history, and the chance to see women in corsets. This was my first visit this year, and the fun was dampened by the hot, humid weather and the never-ending supply of mud. No amount of beer or turkey legs could have made the day much better. Jen got a cute little Henna tattoo on her lower back and that was pretty sexy and exciting. TARGET! Huzzah!

-Saturday night was a drinking and porn party at a friend’s house. We rented 3 movies but the best one was Debbie Does Dallas: The Revenge. Thumbs up all around…I suggest you go rent it. Heck, go buy it because I’m sure you’ll enjoy it over and over and over and over again. Oh, and just to save you the suspense, there was no group bunny this weekend so if that’s all you care about, you might as well stop reading now.

-Sunday was my friend Connie’s wedding reception. It was a grand event under a big tent out in the middle of the country. There were drinks and there was food, and there was fun. I even saw some people that I hadn’t seen in years, so that was fun to play catch up and such. I even got to see Connie in her wedding dress, which was cool since I wasn’t able to make it to the wedding last year because it was in Taiwan. So, I had a good time. I couldn't stay as long as I wanted to, because Jen was sick and I had a wicked hangover, but I had fun regardless.

So that was my weekend. I’m pretty tired today, to be honest. I took a mini-nap at lunch and that didn’t really help, much. I am literally counting the minutes until I can leave the office and head home to crash on the sofa. I hope everybody had a great weekend, and lots of group bunny.

Happy Monday

Friday, September 23, 2005

More Stupid Than I Can Handle

There are certain things in this world that piss me off to the point of crazy. Mostly, it involves the stupidity of other people and their desire to rub their dumb off onto me like some sort of infectious disease. I feel it is my duty to share my rage with the world, in the hopes that at least one person will be saved from the onslaught of retarded people who try to pull us down to their level of lame on a daily basis. They can’t be stopped, but at least they can be avoided with some careful maneuvering.

Today’s stupid people rant will be about CHAIN LETTERS.

I hate chain letters. I hate them in the face. I hate them so much, that every time one of my “intelligent” friends or loved ones forwards one on to me, I lose a little bit more faith in my society, and its system of social evolution. How can a person who considers themselves to be a smart member of our society really believe that there are African princes out there who are trying to give away their fortune for the low price of $199.95? How do these people not fall down more often?

Here is the chain letter that I received this morning, along with the explanation as to why it’s bogus.

It really makes my butt itch, when my friends and family send this crap to me. I shake my fists to the skies and curse the person who started the chain, and pray that they do not have the physiological capacity for reproduction so they cannot burden us with their idiocy any longer. National Blood Initiation Day? Fucking lame. So lame, it limps. How could somebody I know fall for this crap?

The thing that really gets me about chain letters, is that it dupes smart people into believing them. Once a smart person starts to believe a dumb person, it’s all over for our way of life. The fabric will start to unravel, and our world falls into chaos. Chain letters do nothing but spread the “stupid disease”, and cause intelligent people to run out and do stupid things. How many people do you know who ran out and bought a home generator and a year’s supply of food before Y2K? Do you know how lame that was? UBER LAME. I guarantee some idiot hacker thought it would be funny to start some sort of anti-information chain letter about how the world is going to explode when Y2K happens and it caused a ton of smart people to buy into his bullshit and cause panic in the streets.


The problem with chain letters, is that they never make it sound too fake. They give you just enough bullshit, wrapped with some truth in the hopes that you will buy into the lie and forward the letter and infect more people with the hoax. I’ve decided that aliens are going to take over our planet, and they’re trying to make as many of us turn stupid before the invasion as they can. Their weapon? Chain letters filled with bogus information and crap to make our brains shrink up and die within our skulls.

So, for my friends and family, who I love and protect…let me clear a few things up for you, in regards to chain mail:

-95% of all chain emails you receive are bogus. Accept this as fact, and you’ll be fine.
-There are no princes in Africa that are willing to give you $100,000 if you buy them a plane ticket to Florida on your credit card.
-No matter how many people you forward an email to, there will never be a video that pops up to reward you afterwards….ever.
-Big companies like Microsoft, Subway, Ford, Starbucks, etc. will never send out a chain letter that says something along the lines of “please forward this to 100 people and we’ll give you money” . This will never happen.
-Abstinence from chain emails is the only way to be safe.
-No matter how many people’s names are on an email chain, it will never: drop the price of gasoline, withdraw our troops from Iraq, or save a life.
-If the police are worried about something that is a threat to you, they will not rely on email chains to inform you. They’ll do something crazy like…make a public announcement, or involve your local news team.
-If the email contains the words “This is not fake!” or “This is for real” then you can be positive that it IS fake and that it is NOT real.

Hopefully, somebody out there will read this and change their ways. With any luck, the next time one of you receives a chain email that makes some ridiculous claim and uses buzz words and official looking data, you’ll know the truth and do the right thing…delete it and then beat the person who sent it to you over the head with a rubber chicken.

We must fight the stupidity, people. We must put a stop to this spread of dumb that is seeping into our brains through idiotic crap like chain letters!!! Fight the spread! Stop the insanity!

Now please forward this to at least 10 people, so we can save Timmy's life and then a video will pop up on your screen. Don't forget to send me $19.95 so we can cure cancer.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Costume Lameness

Should I wear fake blood on my face? Do these pants look like something a necromancer would wear? Are we going to have metal swords, or just those wooden ones like last time? Why is Amanda making out with that goblin in the corner? Doesn’t she know that he’s here with the pink fairy over by the cheese cubes? Besides, everybody knows that goblins and elves hate each other…

Yes, kiddies. It’s almost that time of year again. The Eve of All Hallows…the day before…um…the Hallows. The time of costumes, mass amounts of candy consumption, and a burning desire to look at your fellow peers and friends in a very sexy new light. It’s the one day of the year, when even the geekiest girl among us can roam the streets dressed like complete whore without fear of imprisonment or ridicule. Halloween is the day when we all allow ourselves to succumb to some of those darker impulses, and find comfort in the darkness. On this day, we do not shy away from those things that scare us…we embrace them.

The most important aspect of this day is the ritualistic yet necessary custom of dressing up in costumes. We wear outfits/masks/makeup in an attempt to be as scary/sexy/funny as we can be in the name of good fun and holiday cheer. The ancient custom of wearing masks dates back from when people believed that All Hallows Eve was the night when the demons and evil creatures would walk among us, in search of….candy, apparently. These roaming candy demons would devour any humans they came across, and so people would wear scary masks to pass as just another evil being in search of chocolate goodness. Kind of like gargoyles, except without the statues and high buildings. The tradition of dressing up in costumes started out as a superstitious tactic to avoid the undead. Today, it’s usually just an excuse to see that girl in accounting dress up in a sexy French maid outfit.

Even though Halloween is a good month or so away, I’m trying very hard this year to be prepared. I was a Boy Scout, after all and that was our motto: be prepared. So this year, instead of coming up with a lame costume idea at the last minute ("this is my costume…serial killers look like everybody else!"), I’ve decided that this year I’m going to put some thought into it.

So, while I was online today looking at costume ideas and online costume shops, I noticed something that had never really occurred to me, before. Halloween costumes are designed with hot girls in mind, and hot girls only. I mean, there were TONS of costumes out there for the ladies, and they all involved the showing of legs, the breasts, or both. Of course, that doesn’t bother me too much…it’s just the fact that all of the men’s costumes definitely stood on the side of suck. Like I want to dress up like a giant slice of pizza? Please.

There were sexy vampire outfits complete with mesh stockings and long, jet black wigs and pearly white teeth for the ladies…and a puffy white shirt with a gay cape for the men. Grrr….argh!

There were sexy nurse outfits, sexy French maid outfits…even a SEXY NUN outfit, for crissake! Women have about 1,001 cool costume possibilities, all of which make them sexier and more desirable than they were before. What do the men have to choose from? A purple-cloaked wizard costume complete with a long white beard and pointy elf shoes, or an adult size Harry Potter costume.


The men’s costumes are always lame. Prisoner costumes…black and white striped pajamas with a cute little bell-boy hat and maybe a ball-and-chain accessory for some “realism”. Vampire costumes that make us look…well, gay. Couple costumes that make us look retarded and lame like Raggedy Ann and Andy outfits. I even saw a full-sized Spiderman costume. Now, come on!! I like Spiderman as much as the next dork, but I’m not about to dress up like the fucker on Halloween. "My spidey-sense is tingling! It's telling me I'm not going to get laid tonight." Seriously, what chance do men have with the ladies when they look retarded?

“Dude! Look at Jessica in that outfit! Her boobs look great and she’s so hot!”
“Yeah, man. Totally. I would go talk to her, but this giant Yoda head makes my voice sound funny. You go talk to her, man.”
“I can’t…I’m afraid this Garfield outfit makes me look fat.”

Lame. It’s my mission this year to wear an outfit that doesn’t make me look like a complete and total loser. Hopefully I can come up with something that will allow me to do the nasty with a sexy bar wench or Renaissance chick, instead of sitting at home in my X-Men outfit using my new mutant abilities to change the channel on the TV.

Any cool costume ideas this year? Post a comment and tell us about it.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Girls, Girls, Girls!

Since the topic got such positive feedback, I thought I’d go ahead and post about girls in our blogger community that I think would be awesome in bed. Maybe in future posts we can get more detailed and personal, but for now, I’ll just post their names and why I think they would be able to give any guy (or girl) a run for their money in the sack.

Dirty Blonde: Maybe it’s the drunk thing…maybe it’s the hot party pics she posts…maybe it’s that dirty attitude. Whatever the reason, I have a strong suspicion that she would be hard to keep up with. I'm also willing to bet that if she wanted to, she could post some stories that would even make me blush.

Ashley: I’m not entirely sure why, to be honest. I think it has something to do with the innocent vibe you get from her, but then you find out through hints and sly comments that she would be a wild partner. That whole “innocent housewife with whips in the closet” idea is a classic, and hard to ignore. There's a reason Desperate Housewives is such a big hit.

High Maintenance Hussy: She's bisexual, lives in Europe, and a writer…need I say more? I don’t think so. Sexy and wild, all the way. Growl. When HMH starts the sexy talk, I get warm fuzzies in my special place.

Jen: I really should put Jen on the list, since I know for a fact that she is good in bed. I'm sure there are some people who read this blog that also know this to be true.

Insanityinsk: I don’t even know this girl very well…but her posts are enough to let me know that she is a sexual creature with a lot of toys under her mattress. Wild in bed? I’m willing to put money on it.

Nameless and Kay: These two MUST be wild in the sack, for the pure fact that they enjoy talk about Group Bunny. Anybody who even jokingly mentions wanting to be invited to the next group bunny beach bash is just dying for a threesome, which means at their core they have to be stallions between the sheets. Especially when they work together. (wink)

Spinning Girl: She’s naughty. I can’t tell you why, and I can’t quite put my finger on it…but it is my belief that when given the opportunity, she has the power to make men beg for more. Perhaps it is her Zeus-like ability to shoot out Tolkien trivia like thunderbolts from high above. Or maybe I just get a crazy idea in my head, and have trouble getting it out. Even though I have no proof to back up my theory, I think she's definately got handcuffs under her pillow.

So, there’s my list. It’s not complete, because there are many more that could/should be on it, but as far as first attempts go, I think it’s not too shabby. I’m sure in the future I will include more ladies, and maybe even some lads. We’ll just see how well received this post is, before contemplating a sequel. Please note:

-If you are a girl, and you are not on this list, but feel you should be: leave a comment about why and try to convince me. Don't be offended. Chances are, I wanted to put you on the list but decided against it, this time around. Or maybe I thought you would take offense, and I didn't want to annoy you.
If you are a girl, and you are on the list, and you do not wish to be because you are shy or embarrassed: please let me know and I will remove you.
-If you are a guy, and you have a girl that you think should be included on the list: please leave a comment and include their name and the reasons behind your answer.
If you are a jealous boyfriend/husband/monkey: please visit Pizzle or BOBI and let them know all about your rage. They will be handling this aspect of my mail, for me. I hope they don't mind, too much.

Friday, September 16, 2005

This Is My Angry Face

I’m pissed off. I’ve been pissed all morning. Not in a bad way, though. I’m not throwing cups of coffee at the old lady that sits across the row from me at work, or cutting people off on the road. I’m not even snapping at people who deserve it. No, I’m just pissed on the inside. More of an “annoyed” feeling, than anything else. I know you’re reading these words and wondering to yourself “why is Shanshu pissed?” while you eagerly sit forward in your seat, awaiting the arrival of the sentence of explanation needed for you to relax your shoulder muscles and breathe normally again. I could tell you why I’m pissed at this very moment…but I think I might make you wait a minute or two. Then maybe you’ll be pissed off, too.

Ok, you know I can’t be a dick like that. See? I’m not pissed at the world, and I’m not taking out my frustration on others. I’m just stewing in my pot of crap and annoyance with the weather. That’s right, the fucking weather has caused me to get pissed. Something as simple and unchangeable as the stupid temperature has caused me to be in a bad mood on this holiest of work days, The Friday. I’ve tried to be in a good mood, but so far the closest I’ve come to being in a good mood is rubbing one off in the bathroom after I saw a hot cartoon chick giving interactive bunny. It’s really not going to get any better than that.

Midwest weather pisses me off. It’s only September, and already the air is chilled. This morning when I walked out to my car, I actually shivered. I took a deep breath, and saw a steam vapor rise out from within me…I could see my fucking breath, it was so chilly. Then I got to my car and noticed some FROST ON MY WINDSHIELD. I almost had an aneurism right there on the pavement…luckily my anger took over, and instead of allowing myself to succumb to the depression, I was able to redirect those negative emotions into “pissed off”.

It’s only September, and already I have to consider the possibility that it’s time to dust off the leather coat and start wearing jeans again. I just got back from the hot, sunny beach…and I’ve returned to the Midwest pre-winter show. Apparently, summer decided to take a vacation while I was gone, and surprise me with this winter ambush.

Fucking winter.

I hate winter, that’s no secret. I’m not one of those people who says “Oh, look at the snow! It’s so pretty!”. That is not my personality towards the matter. I’m more along the lines of “Oh, wonderful. It’s fucking snowing again. Well, the drive to work tomorrow is going to suck ass again.”. Nothing good comes from winter…everybody gets sick, everything dies, and the world is bleak and dark and cold.

@(#*&@&^%$ !!

Anyway, that’s why I have been pissed off all morning. I’ll be fine after lunch, though. I plan to go to the cafeteria and get some rice and veggies from the Asian counter and read my book and be content in my isolation. Tonight I plan on having a great time and staying indoors as much as possible, so as not to be reminded of the fact that summer is almost over.

Have a good weekend, everybody.

Upcoming posts:
-More detailed stories of sexual adventure at the beach
-Why Yahoo Launchcast Music sucks ass
-Girls on the blogger community who I think would rock in bed

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Random List: Things OKI Has Taught Me

  • The beach of Oak Island (OKI) faces South, not East as one might assume.
  • As we gazed at a group of dolphins jumping the waves and being generally awe-inspiring, one of my buds informed us that dolphins attack more humans per year than sharks.
  • Hot tubs with too much chlorine can change the color of your swim suit and make your skin stink like bleach.
  • If you're going to make Pina Coladas, make sure to use a good mixer beforehand like Bacardi Mixers. Also, make sure to add enough ice.
  • You can squeeze 6 people into a hot tub designed for 4 with enough patience, alcohol, and a willingness to accept the fact that some part of your body will come into contact with somebody else's genitals.
  • Hurricane winds can offer up very good surfing waves.
  • Unless you have a big towel, or don't mind bending over a on the beach is NOT as exciting and fun as the stories imply. Reason: Sand. Gets. Everywhere. Even. Inside. Bodies.
  • Blow jobs on the beach are completely acceptable and recommended.
  • You can eat shrimp for seven days solid and not get tired of it.
  • Houses built on stilts sometimes sway in the wind.
  • If an ice cream stand looks shady...odds are, it is. Avoid it and head back home to make another Pina Colada.
  • Jen likes to get spanked. Hard.
  • Unlike almost every other game in existence, Yahtzee gets more boring the more drunk you get.
  • Crabs are FAST little fuckers.
  • It's hard to be in the ocean swimming, and feel something brush up against your leg, and not scream "Oh God, something touched me! Something touched me! Oh God!"
  • Swimming naked in the ocean is fun.
  • Swimming naked in the ocean with other people is more fun.
  • Swimming naked in the ocean with other people who don't know you are naked is most fun.
  • Starting drinking at 11:30am on the beach is a stupid idea. Seriously.
  • Jen likes to be spanked by multiple people.
  • When attempting to remove the glass blender bowl from the base, it is wise to ensure that the blender is NOT full of mixed frozen drinks.
  • Remote controlled vibrators are the best invention ever. They make Yahtzee MUCH more entertaining; especially when the other people playing don't know what's going on under the table.
  • Compared to the beach, the air everywhere else in the United States sucks ass.
  • Having your genitals handled by 3 pairs of hands all at the same time while soaking in the hot tub is so cool, it should be illegal.
  • I don't know if I believe the fact about dolphins attacking humans. That sounds made up to me.
  • If you decide to go out to dinner at a nice seafood place...and you walk in and the place is decorated like a hunting lodge, complete with heads on the wall...RUN.
  • "Automatically Added Gratuity" is the worst idea ever, and pretty much guarantees that you will receive horrible service.
  • Group bunny on the beach is bunny in the hot tub is delicious.
  • Drinking alcohol on an airplane messes you UP. I've been told it's the altitude, though I can't see how that makes logical sense.
  • All girls like to be spanked while they're on vacation at the beach.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Beach Pics: As Promised

Oak Island

The view from my bedroom deck

The OKI pier

Dom gazes at the ocean

Sarah returns from the sand

Yes, sandcastles were built

The group bunny hot tub (covered)

John tending to his grill

Yes, games were played

Yes, seafood was eaten

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Oak Island: Memories from a dreamer

Very few things in this world leave me speechless and awe-struck: a midget covered in Ranch dressing holding a sledgehammer, Swedish bikini models making out at a country bar while doing the electric slide, and the awesome peaceful power of the ocean. For whatever reason, when I travel to Oak Island and stand on the deck staring out over the beach at the blue oceanic waters beyond, I can’t help but feel humbled and calm. The kind of calm that comes post-coitus or from eating large quantities of chocolate. The kind of peaceful serenity that can only be described by sappy love poems and feminine freshness commercials. When I stare out at that ocean, I feel a peace wash over me that seems to quell the stress and corporate anger that stirs within.

Someday, I will live on that beach. Someday, I will stare out over the sand at that ocean, and breathe deep the calm and peace that Poseidon’s realm offers up to me. I will close my eyes and hear the soothing sounds of the waves crashing down against the shore and know that I am home.

Until then, I am forced to work in this corporate creativity mind-trap and drudge up ways to get myself out of this vicious circle of doom and despair. That, along with as much rum and group bunny as my body can take, should keep me sane until my inevitable move to beach bliss.

Ok, enough of that depressing stuff. Stay tuned for yet another edition of Shanshu’s Random Lists, which will be all about the Oak Island bunny beach bash and the sordid details of rum parties and hot tub nights. Tuck in the kids, grab your mug, and prepare for tales of sandy debauchery and orgasmic ocean outings!!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Post-Vacation Depression

You see this? This is my sad face. I know you can't really see my face right now, so I'll just tell you that I have my sad face on. I'm back from my beach vacation, and I'm not happy about it. In fact, I'm pretty pissed about it. The post-vacation depression has hit me hard, and I have a feeling this is going to be the worst Monday ever.

I have pictures to post, but I can't seem to find my USB cable so those will have to wait.

The beach was awesome, and everybody had a great time. There was sun. There was sand. There were dolphins and crabs and shrimp. There were drinks and Pina Coladas and rum. There was group bunny. There were sunburns and drinking games and boobies galore. There was fun and excitement and peace.

Alas, the trip is over. Reality has set back in. I'm back in corporate hell.


Anyway, hopefully sometime soon I'll be back to my usual self...for now, Shanshu is depressed. I just wanted to let my blogger buddies know that I'm back, and I'm safe, and I had a wonderful time. I'll post more details and pics later, I promise.


PS: I'd like to thank everybody who voted for me in the Best Comedic Blog category on the Order of Brilliant Bloggers. It was a nice surprise to come home to. I'll try to keep up the funny!

Friday, September 02, 2005

Goodbye, Corporate World...

...Hello beach vacation! The time has finally arrived. After months of planning and stress, along with a healthy dose of anticipation, the beach bash is here. The shadow of the corporate shroud of death that for so long covered my hopeless body has been lifted. The beach, sun, surf, and sand call to me. Oak Island, NC here I fucking come!!!

I will be gone for the next 10 days. I'll come back to reality on September 12th, and I won't be posting (most likely) until then. Please dry your eyes.

So, my faithful yet few readers...I say goodbye to you. I hope you take care of yourselfs, and know that I will miss you. I take my leave of you, for group bunny and shooters and seashells await me. I'll take lots of pictures, and I might even post a few, too. If you're lucky.

So farewell, farewell. I'll be thinking of you, while I stare out across the Atlantic sipping a frozen drink with a little umbrella in it.