Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Paris Hilton and Other Scary Things


Has anybody else noticed the lack of scary movies on television this week? This is supposed to be the time of year when we have the opportunity to watch our favorite scary movie favorites like Friday the 13th, Poltergeist, and Freddy Got Fingered. This is the week when you should hear fake Halloween adjectives like ‘spooktacular’ and ‘fright-tastic’ describe upcoming events. I can remember growing up and not being able to turn on the TV without running into a Dracula movie or seeing somebody hacked into itty-bitty bits around this time of year. This year I’ve actually been searching for scary things to watch, and so far my search has yielded a strong desire to punch my couch, and nothing more.

Stupid couch.

I could start on a rant about how Halloween has become too sissy in recent years, and how the corporate commercialization has turned its collective head away from ghouls and goblins and instead begun to market things like a new Paris Hilton Halloween Special on Fox, complete with advertisements for a new politically correct costume for all ages that is family fun and environmentally safe, rather than scary. I won’t even begin to discuss the lack of blood smears and cobwebs around this office….please don’t get me started. I’m THIS close to going to a party shop today and buying some plastic spiders and skeletons to decorate my cubicle with just to piss off the prissy, goody-two-shoes* coworkers that surround me in this hell hole.

I won’t rant about corporate commercialization, or discuss the lack of spooky decorations. I'll let my favorite squirrel Foamy handle that. Today I choose instead to focus on the lack of adequate scary movies being offered up to us on this pre-Halloween week, and why it is making me punch my stupid couch.

Remember the Great Pumpkin? Sure, you do. When I was young, The Charlie Brown Halloween Special was one of the signs that Halloween was coming soon. I haven’t seen that special for years, and last night as I was flipping channels and punching my stupid couch, I ran across the tail end of it. Oh, spooktacular Halloweeney joy erupted from within my inner child as I watched those goofy kids sitting in the pumpkin patch at night, waiting for the arrival of The Great Pumpkin. As always, watching the special was my signal that it was time to get serious about Halloween.

So last night became a Halloween entertainment quest for Jen and I.

This is when I began to notice the utter lack of anything spooky or freaky or ghoulishly terrific on the television, and I began to hear that little cynic inside my head start to shout out curses at parent’s groups and religious zealots who think Halloween is a Satan holiday, so they pull holiday programming to help save our children. Ignoring the little voice, I continued to flip channels in search of something that would help keep me in the Halloween mood…to no avail.

I was thwarted. There was nothing scary to watch, and the thought of another night of sitcoms and courtroom dramas filled me with enough dread to host two of my own Halloween specials at the same time, with dancing and cake. Refusing to admit defeat, I grabbed my keys and Jen and I headed to my local rip-off video store to rent some good scary movies to help quell our desire for spooky fun.

Once again, I was brutally rebuffed. My choices ranged from Anacondas 2 to Mosquito Boy, or some such shit. Where were the good scary movies? We asked the guy working the counter if he could point us to the “good horror movie” section, only to be told that they didn’t have one. We even asked for Psycho…a great scary movie…a classic. They didn’t fucking have it.

Somebody shoot me.

We settled on the remake of The Amityville Horror and headed home to watch our movie in peace and spooky quiet. Expecting a crap film, I poured myself a bourbon and settled down for what would most likely be another boring movie night during a crappy week of non-Halloween entertainment sitting on my stupid couch.

We watched it. I peed myself. Twice. On my couch. While screaming. Like a little girl. The movie was freaky, spooktacular, scary Halloween fun that made me a kid again in the sense that I called my mom and asked her to come over and tuck me in. With the light on. Don’t turn that fucking light off, mom or I'll fucking kill you. Crack the door, too. Shut the closet. Give me the shotgun. Holy crap that movie was creepy.

I’m not saying it was the scariest movie ever made, nor am I saying that it was the best horror film I’ve ever seen…I’m simply saying that I peed myself twice on my couch while screaming like a little girl as I watched it. I urge you to draw your own conclusions.

So my quest for scary Halloween entertainment was not in vain; I scared myself silly and went to bed being wary of noises and shadows…good times!

Happy Almost Halloween.
Happy Wednesday.
Happy oh my fucking God what the fuck is that in the corner with a knife?! Ahhhhhhhhhh!


This is really scary
So is this



*I apologize for using the phrase "goody-two-shoes", but I could think of no other group of words that would adequately describe the situation.
**If you didn't check out the Foamy Halloween rant cartoon, you really should do that.

20 comments:

Danikabur said...

I had a nigthmare from watching that movie. A movie hasn't given me nightmares in YEARS!! :D I wrote about it in my blog too.

Pizzle said...

well...in that case, I may have to miss it...

Of course, Shan, you said similar about the first Ring, and I ended up loving that movie, even if it was incredibly creepy.

Shanshu said...

The Ring freaked me out, too. It was The Grudge that I thought blew chunks.

Maccafreak said...

I will admit The Ring surprised me...definitely creepy. Is it just me or does Dark Water look stupid?

Think Frustrated said...

Ok, so there is ONE network that still runs ONLY scary movies during the weeks up to halloween. AMC. On the subject of AMC, I was watching it the other day and saw a movie from like 1998. I don't remember what it was, but I was glad that the network started playing modern classics. I think it was Office Space. Totally classic.

If you want to see a truly quality scary movie, I suggest "Killer Klowns From Outer Space." You'll shit twice, then die, then shit twice again.

Jen said...

We went through AMC and TCM last night on our DVR and recorded all the Halloweeny movies that looked good.

Heather said...

OMG! We watched the Charlie Brown special last night. Now my daughter would rather sit in a pumpkin patch instead of trick-or-treating.. Did she not learn anything?? And seriously.. all 5 Halloween movies were on back to back last night. I think I pee'd on every bit of furniture in the living room as I made my way around the living room hoping to find a place to sit that wasnt so scary. :P

Shanshu said...

jacob: KKFOS is a great movie...I haven't seen that in years.

Shanshu said...

heather: that's a lot of pee. I feel your pain.

:)

Rowan said...

I am having the same trouble I went to OUR local ripoff rental store last night, and yeah! Absolutely nothing. As you know I love a good scare. I concur about the grudge, but I didn't like the Ring either. Not scary enuff.I just want good, old school horror, but there's none to be found...what gives? I also hate hate hate the cheezy princesses and goody goody joy-joy costumes these days....give me ghoulies and zombies and vamps....speaking of ghoulies, now that was a cool halloweenish movie.

So, I DID see the new Amityville at the store, should I rent it next time? We instead got Monster in Law last night for a laugh (which it was) but not the scary that I wanted.

Shanshu said...

I thought Amityville was scary, but I can't say that everybody will have the same opinion. It didn't do great in the theatres, so maybe I'm just weird. I liked it, though.

Dirty Gypsy said...

Surprisingly, I did not think Amityville was scary, but KKFOS?? I almost wet myself just thinking about watching it. I hate clowns, man.

And I still haven't worked up the nerve to watch "Saw". Geez...

Kay said...

I'm not really a scary movie fan. Almost pee'd my pants during Final Destination in the theater, so I'm pretty weak stuff.

No suggestions, sorry.

Spinning Girl said...

The only Halloween movie I like is the Peanuts one.

Do you like my new avatar? It's me, being born.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

I can't believe that you failed to mention the Treehouse of Horror special on the Simpsons. For shame!

One of these days yahoo messenger will work for us. Yes it will.

Shanshu said...

spinning girl: Oh. My. God. That is awesome.

HMH: Yes, someday yahoo messenger will allow us to complete our conversation. until then, we're stuck sending secret messeges through blogger comments.

the crow flies alone towards the east.

Crystal said...

I saw a preview for a Lucy Lawless tv movie called "Vampire Bats". Looks real Emmy-worthy (Note: Sarcasm)

Jen said...

I kind of thought Saw was pretty lame...but it takes a really good horror flick to scare me.

Rowan said...

saw was alright, predictable, but good....not exactly scary, but thriller yeah...

EBethToThePowerOf? said...

I'm a hitchcock girl:) We watched the entire length of Rear Window last night--the cool one with Jimmy stewart, not the sucky one with Christopher Reever, bless his soul.