Monday, August 15, 2005

Sprint-Nextel: The Awakening


So today is supposed to be a big, exciting day here on the Sprint World Headquarters campus. Apparently, the corporate executive goons decided that today was going to be "forget we crap on you on a daily basis and have fun" day. They put up fliers and banners and signs in an attempt to stir the workplace party animal within us. There are yellow Sprint/Nextel merger signs all over the damn place...it's a sea of yellow and black bumblebee styled delight. Warm fuzzies? Not so much.

This kind of corporate camaraderie has never drawn my attention, nor kept my interest. Since I’ve never really been happy sitting at this desk, doing the boring crap I do I can’t really get involved and excited about some of the shit they come up with over in human resources or marketing. Hawaiian shirt day? Not interested. Team builders to bowling alleys? Not my thing. Sprint/Nextel yellow and black celebration day? Gag me with a fork.

The air is buzzing with the excitement of scores of wayward employees walking around their cubicle maze, trying to find the cookies and broken promises at the end of the hallway. The upcoming merger between Sprint and Nextel promises only one thing, for people like me: I’m going to have to get used to a new corporate color scheme. That’s about it, really. Already it has begun. The network homepage used to be the Sprint color of red. Now, it’s a ridiculous bright yellow that is splattered all over the place like some sort of radioactive urine. People are walking around today wearing officially sponsored merger shirts. These people crack me up because this is the best that their week is going to be…getting to wear a tee shirt at work with some sappy workplace slogan like “Sprint and Nextel: Working Together” as they walk through the building feigning joy and excitement so the boss will look favorably on them.

Bunny that.

That’s not my thing. I’d prefer to sit here at my desk, and pretend that none of this is happening. I do not want my daily routine of suck to be interrupted by fake corporate happiness and such. Anybody here ever watch the show Dead Like Me? If you do, then I can sum up what this place is like today: The Happy Time temp agency and Dolores in her full happy-go-lucky splendor. Or, for those of you who don’t watch the show: It’s like…eating poison hidden in candy. The sugar coating, fun outside tries to mask the horror and evil within.

That about sums it up. Today's "act like we're happy about the merger" day makes me want to vomit up my own spleen. I just hope I can find enough things to occupy my time, so I don't have to interact with some of these mindless corporate robots who think that the secret to happiness is carrying around balloons with corporate logos and eating frosted donuts in the breakroom. Is it too early for a drink?

Happy Monday, my faithful but few readers.


RANDOM: On the way to work today, I hummed the theme song from Airwolf. I’m not sure why…since I haven’t thought about that show in like 17 years. My brain is officially trying to fuck with me on a daily basis, now.

16 comments:

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Have a bloody mary or a mimosa. Those drinks were invented for people needing to get their drink on in the morning.

Fight the power! ;)

Justin said...

Gag me with a fork, my brain is officially trying to fuck me on a daily basis.

Condensed, yes, but like campbells soup, it's umm umm good.

-Justin

Ms. Adventures said...

"wayward employees walking around their cubicle maze, trying to find the cookies and broken promises at the end of the hallway."

HA!! That's so funny yet so true. What great mental imagry! I remember this type-o-thing from my job at the credit card co. They want you to be so f'in gung ho, slap a corporate logo'd t-shirt on you, then fire you because of the merger. No thanks. I wouldn't participate either. Besides even if you went along, and it did happen look good to the CEO or whoever (assuming he/she even notices you), 99.99% of the time it doesn't help you out anyway.

g_samsa said...

This reminds me of when I worked at American Airlines and they started a partnership with Sprint. We all wore sprint/aa t-shirts for a day (they suggested it would be a good idea). Then they sent a memo saying it was a one time thing and would not be allowed the next day. Anybody who wore the shirt the next day would be asked to change. It's so damn funny because they make all the dumb ass phone people like me wear this stupid shirt but none of the execs did. We had cake which was devoured in 15 mins by 5 of the fattest people who could squeez into a phone cubicle. Banner: Tons of banners and little yo-yo's, stress releiving squeez toys ( I used squeez twice so far ), pens, note pads, plasitic slinkys (so we couldn't commit suicide with them), and coffee mugs for the supervisors (which I was not).

Well that's my two cents. It's such bull crap and I'm glad you called it straight. I bet the execs sit up on high and laugh their asses off at the stuff they can make people do to look stupid. "Bark like a dog, you dirty swab!" Collective "woof woof woof" "can I have another, Sir!"

drunkbh said...

You should have wore a Cellular One shirt.

Damn the Man!

Pizzle said...

Radioactive urine! Awesome!

Oh, and thanks, fucker, for getting the Airwolf theme stuck in my head. Just reading that started the synth.

Damn Jan-Michael Vincent!!

Shanshu said...

Pizzle: Welcome to my world. I've had that damn thing in my head, all day now. I'd really like to know WHY it got in there, in the first place.

g_samsa & ashley: You feel my pain. We are brothers/sisters.

*~**E**~* said...

At Best Buy they would make us get to work at 7:00a.m. on saturday mornings - feed us donuts, give us shitty prizes and make us do cheers all while making us feel like horrible humans if we weren't selling enough service plans and magazine subscriptions.

Do they think we can't see through it??

I'm proud of you - way to stay strong!

Kay said...

Why have I never worked in a place like that? I'm feeling left out.. Need to find a cubicle so I too can join in...

Larry said...

I got an invite in my email for a "beach bash" at my boss's boss' house for this past weekend. Everyone in the company did. Funny thing is that most of us bunny hate working for this bunny company and this bunny guy is one of the reasons. Plus, our company employs close to 200 people half of which are spread out over the entire united states. If I actually wanted to attend I would have either had to drive 6 hours(no thanks. I drive all over gods green earth for a living) or booked a flight and rented a car and what kind of party is worth that. God, I love managment's idea of a good bunny time.

l'il bear said...

You made me laugh so hard I leaked a little. ;p

Damn the man - and bunny their Hawaiian shirt bowling parties.

Bashful Blue said...

At least you don't have that bunny Woo Hoo song from some car commercial in your head. That one gets annoying!

Woo hoo, woo hoo hoo.....

Crystal said...

people have "workplace party animals" inside them? i feel so empty and left-out. :(

I don't have showtime either.

I'm just good for nuthin today. :(

Rowan said...

Most I get outta work is a piece of cake when it's someone's birthday. We have 12 employees here. At least they do that though. On that note, I wouldn't join in either. It's redickerous! Oh and I've been singing the theme songn to the original startrek all day long!

Crystal said...

Rowan - you're such a nerd! :)

Carrie said...

my brain is now a permanent fucker!