Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Chiggers, Bunnies, and Cinnamon Cake

Last night, I had mom over for dinner to help celebrate her birthday. We produced some tasty food, including chicken enchiladas and taco rice. Don't ask me what Taco Rice is...it's a Lipton thing, I guess. But it was quite tasty, so I'm not going to dwell on the strange name very long. Mom enjoyed the food, and I enjoyed the Darth Vader gift bag I wrapped her presents in. It was effing cool.

After dinner we had the obligatory cake: cinnamon with vanilla icing. It was good, and we all enjoyed it. Then mom drops the load on me that she is going out of town tomorrow, and so she can't take the cake home with her because it will go bad. Aw, crap. That means that Jen and myself have 4 days to finish it, before we go out of town to the group bunny beach bash.

Crap. Cake is the last thing that we are going to want to eat, before the beach trip. Nobody wants the weight of a cinnamon cake hanging around their waists while they're lounging on the beach trying to look cool. As I tried to debate what to do with my sugary creation, Jen proposed that I bring said cake to the office, and leave it in the break room.

I punched her in the face for being stupid. Listen, the place I work is a corporate servitude hell that I would wish on no human being. It is a fortress of pain and misery, with clouds of doubt and boredom that not even the brightest light rays of hope can penetrate. It is doom. It is the end of all things. And so, I am not going to bring tasty sugar cake goodness into the midst of this darkness. Why should they eat cake? They ruined my life...I'm not going to reward them with dessert. These people make my life hell...I'm not going to feed them, for crissakes!! Besides, feeding this place will only help it grow stronger…and we definitely don’t want that.

So these corporate bunny bastards aren’t going to get a lick of my cake, no sir. I’d rather induce some sort of sugar coma to the dog next door, than to share my baking abilities with these mindless automatons.

OWNED!

I went to a Hawaii party cookout thing this weekend in Leavenworth, KS. Yes…the Federal prison. Yes, we drove by it. Yes, somebody was taking it in the butt that didn’t like it very much as we drove by. The party was a pretty good time, and I’m glad that we went. There was one part of it that sucked like nothing has ever sucked before, though: the fucking chiggers.

For those of you who don’t know what chiggers are, the best way to describe them is to say that they are very tiny mites that live in the grass that spend all of their time eating the flesh of humans. They bite. They bite and the bites itch and get red and swollen and they itch and they itch. They fucking itch. I’ve been scratching for 3 days solid, with no end in sight. My legs and feet look like some sort of middle ages plague. I itch and I scratch and I suffer. Stupid chiggers. The only funny part about this whole chigger situation, is the fact that my mom informed Jen and myself that chiggers actually burrow under the skin, which is what causes the itch. Jen freaked out and ran into the bedroom to find some sort of anti-chigger evacuation device, which included a knife and a match. We were able to talk her down from the roof, and I’m glad to say that the wonderful staff at the mental health “clinic” have informed me that she should be back on her feet in a matter of days. Great news. Even better news, is that the concept of chiggers burrowing in our flesh is NOT true, which means that I don’t have about 20 bugs crawling around my insides taking pictures.

If you’d like to know more about chiggers, please look here.


Since the bunny beach bash is so close, I am officially clocked out of this job. I really don’t feel the urge to do my work, and I feel even less likely to attend all of these meetings I have scheduled this week. Oak Island is only 4 days away and I’m going fucking nuts over here, waiting. Anyway, in honor of the group bunny beach bash, I thought I would share this with you:

Bunny Theatre: Pulp Fiction

Nothing quite as funny as cartoon bunnies reenacting a popular movie…in 30 seconds. If you don’t find this even mildly amusing, you’re dead inside.

Enjoy the rest of your day. I’ll be here scratching the top layer of skin off my feet with a cheese grater.

17 comments:

Justin said...

Hmm...you have cake....you don't want to give it to worthless corporate people...you have a blog reader in Topeka, KS...the mail system makes it easy to send things...hmm...

Justin Thompson
2421 SE Candletree Dr E.
Apt. 14
Topeka, KS 66601

...wait, did I just put that on the net? No one send me anthrax! I swear, if you send me anthrax...

Cheers for the bunny beach bash. Whatev it is, sounds like a blast!

Jen said...

Copy cat!!

l'il bear said...

Genius. Absolutely brilliant bunny Pulp Fiction flick. If you slam your junk in a car door you'll forget about how much you itch. Or rub cake all over... now we're getting kinky.

Jessi said...

Eric, that was excellent. I love those acting bunnies. I hadn't seen the Pulp Fiction one before. :)

The cake sounds lovely, too.

--Jessi

Ms. Adventures said...

hopefully you're a fast healer cause there's nothing that doesn't turn women on more than grated cheese legs.
I'll tell you what i tell the boys, don't scratch, rub. Get some of that chigger stuff and slather your legs, and rub. let them heal so you can have gorgeous legs for your bash and maximize the opportunity. (You like that corporate speak?) Anyhoo, happy b-day to mom! and send Justin the cake he needs it!

Jen said...

Oh man, I just realized that we'll have nasty, scabby legs at the beach!

Rowan said...

yes, I'm with ashley, send the po'boy some cake! haha :) are chiggers like mosquitoes? we don't have them here at any rate, will continue my research on said chiggers.

Shanshu said...

justin: you might just get some leftover cake in the mail, brotha.

holly: cake all over...hmmmm....bunny.

ashley: noted. I will not scratch, any more. Promise.

rowan: chiggers are like 10 times more annoying than mosquitoes...trust me.

Danius Maximus said...

woot woot! funny bunnies

Spinning Girl said...

Any critter that digs a tunnel into my flesh is a minion of Satan. And Bunnies Theatre, as you well know, is one of my great loves.

drunkbh said...

The bunnies were great! Why don't you take the rest of the cake to work? If you really don't like them, take it in the morning so that they will get sugared up and then crash.

Motherdear said...

Shanshu, this blogsite has been nominated by at least one of your peers for Best Comedic Blogsite on The Order Of Brilliant Bloggers.
Please feel free to visit and vote by September 5th at http://mdskidsrbrilliant.blogspot.com!!! And congratulations!!!

Nameless said...

I love them bunnies. They make me giggle and I don't normally giggle.
Also, I guess maybe my bunny invitation for the bunny beach bash got lost in the bunny mail!
*walks of grumbling*

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Bunny Pulp Fiction. With ball gags! I love it.

Chiggers. Bad news, dude.

Shanshu said...

drunk: I've decided to give my cake to the homeless. At least they will appreciate it.

motherdear: I thought I stopped spam from commenting on my site? Dammit.

Nameless: Your invite TOTALLY got lost in the mail! That really sucks, but there is always next year. Promise! hey! Come back!!

hmh: bad news, for sure.

Shanshu said...

motherdear: Ok, I lied. You're not spam, afterall! Sorry to doubt you...those damn spammers have jaded me!!!

thanks for the nomination. I'll go ahead and be shameless and posts links here.

:)

Motherdear said...

No problem, Shanshu. I wondered if anyone would take it for spam. I'm glad you checked it out. And for the record, I didn't nominate you. Several of your peers did! Good luck.