Shrimp: Ok, so what the hell is up with shrimp, lately? The last 2 times I have gone to an Italian restaurant and ordered a shrimp pasta dish, the shrimp have been served with the shells still on. WTF? Are these chefs really that lazy, that they no longer de-shell your shrimp for you? Are we really expected to sit there, and pick the shrimp out of our bowls of pasta…take them out of their shells…and then put them back into the bowl? That is the dumbest food idea I’ve heard all week. Lazy shrimp cooking bastards! Pony up, and make my damn pasta the correct way!
Slow drivers: I cannot say enough bad things about these people. They are a danger to all us. I know they think that if they drive really slow on the highway, it actually makes them safer. Well…that is about as smart as hitting yourself on the head with a hammer, if you ask me. Slow driving causes other people to break suddenly, disrupts the flow of traffic, and can generally lead to accidents. Traffic jams? Caused from slow idiot drivers! Rush hour would actually RUSH if it weren’t for the guy up there in the fast lane going 45 mph in a 70. Screw him, in his stupid bunny. Newsflash, slow drivers: we know where you live, and we’re coming to kill you.
Auto-Sinks: My corporate servitude involves several things: a fancy world headquarters campus, a cubicle styled after the prison cells of The Tower of London, and auto-sinks in the restrooms. Auto-sinks are a good idea, since they save money and help stop the “overflow the sink” prank that so many children seem to think is the funniest thing ever. I like the idea of the auto-sink, but I do not like the recent trend in the making the water temperature scalding hot. Do these sink designers really think I enjoy washing my hands in water so hot, I actually walk away with red skin? Seriously, the sinks at my work (and certain hotels which shall remain nameless) have the hot water turned all the way up, with no cold water to help dull the searing pain. I am forced to rinse my hands so quickly, I feel like I’m in some sort of life-or-death situation. In an attempt to curb this, I have recently begun the practice of washing my hands in multiple sinks, because that way the water doesn’t have time to burn me. Hey, idiot auto-sink designers: knock it off, with the extra-hot water. Don’t make us come to your house and bathe you in your own auto-sinks!
Random: There is a guy that works in my office that is the spitting image of this guy from the Matrix
Book Talkers: You bastards. I hate you people…you know who you are. The people that feel it is necessary to chat it up with somebody who is reading a book. I honestly think these people feel that I am unhappy with my life, and that I have no friends, and that my only reason for reading is that I’m hoping against hope that someday, a person will see my pathetic book-reading, and come to my rescue. Piss off. If I’m sitting on a bench on my lunch hour, reading a book and keeping to myself, it does NOT mean that I wish to chat with you about the weather, your ugly kids, or what’s going on in world news. My favorite book talker is this person:
“Hey! Whatcha’ doin’? Reading?”
”Do you like to read?”
"Books are fun."
“Are…are you retarded, or something? Get away from me, before your stupid rubs off on me!”
Clowns: I’m not sure why, but clowns annoy me.
Harry Potter: Some people actually believe that Harry Potter is a book of evil, intended to turn children away from God. They believe that the book is moral cancer, eating away at young people's ideals, soul, and innocence. These people need to get laid...they are too high strung, and way off course with this one. I really, really hate bible-beaters who think the entire world is going to hell because they eat spicy foods, drive too fast, or like The Simpsons. Grow up, get a life, and back up off our nuts! Idiots.
Thus ends my rambling rant. I feel much better now, thanks for reading. On a lighter note, here are the answers to some questions that Callie asked me:
1. You have been chosen for a top secret mission, one that you may not return from alive. What do you do with your last "normal" day on earth before the mission?
I would prepare for the mission at hand. Assuming that was already accomplished, I would spend time with my friends/family/lover. I would pray, and make sure to have all of my affairs in order. Then I would have mass amounts of sex and eat my favorite meal.
2. If you could only watch an hour of TV a week, what would you watch and why?
I would watch the Discovery Channel. If I were to be restricted to 60 minutes of television per week, I would at least want to watch something intelligent.
3. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
I would change my height. I've always wanted to be taller...see what the world is like from up there. I think that would be fun.
4. What is it that attracts you in a significant other?
She must have intelligence, with the ability to debate complex topics while seeing both sides of an argument. She must have nice breasts, preferably big ones. She must have a sense of humor, and she must laugh hard and often. She must be social, fun, outgoing, and interesting. She must have nice breasts. She must be adventrous in the bedroom, and bi-curious is a big bonus. She must read more than Cosmopolitan magazine. She must make me feel comfotable, safe, and special. She would want similar things that I want, like a family. She must have nice breasts.
5. You can have one superhero's powers. Whose would you choose to have, and why?
Spiderman. All the way. I know his powers aren't the coolest around, and while I assume there can be some sort of psychology involved in a person's answer to this question...I have to stick with the web head. He was my favorite comic book hero as a kid, and I would love to have his powers. Besides, you can't beat the pre-cognition Spidey-Sense! Too cool.