Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Rambling Rant Time!

Shrimp: Ok, so what the hell is up with shrimp, lately? The last 2 times I have gone to an Italian restaurant and ordered a shrimp pasta dish, the shrimp have been served with the shells still on. WTF? Are these chefs really that lazy, that they no longer de-shell your shrimp for you? Are we really expected to sit there, and pick the shrimp out of our bowls of pasta…take them out of their shells…and then put them back into the bowl? That is the dumbest food idea I’ve heard all week. Lazy shrimp cooking bastards! Pony up, and make my damn pasta the correct way!

Slow drivers: I cannot say enough bad things about these people. They are a danger to all us. I know they think that if they drive really slow on the highway, it actually makes them safer. Well…that is about as smart as hitting yourself on the head with a hammer, if you ask me. Slow driving causes other people to break suddenly, disrupts the flow of traffic, and can generally lead to accidents. Traffic jams? Caused from slow idiot drivers! Rush hour would actually RUSH if it weren’t for the guy up there in the fast lane going 45 mph in a 70. Screw him, in his stupid bunny. Newsflash, slow drivers: we know where you live, and we’re coming to kill you.

Auto-Sinks: My corporate servitude involves several things: a fancy world headquarters campus, a cubicle styled after the prison cells of The Tower of London, and auto-sinks in the restrooms. Auto-sinks are a good idea, since they save money and help stop the “overflow the sink” prank that so many children seem to think is the funniest thing ever. I like the idea of the auto-sink, but I do not like the recent trend in the making the water temperature scalding hot. Do these sink designers really think I enjoy washing my hands in water so hot, I actually walk away with red skin? Seriously, the sinks at my work (and certain hotels which shall remain nameless) have the hot water turned all the way up, with no cold water to help dull the searing pain. I am forced to rinse my hands so quickly, I feel like I’m in some sort of life-or-death situation. In an attempt to curb this, I have recently begun the practice of washing my hands in multiple sinks, because that way the water doesn’t have time to burn me. Hey, idiot auto-sink designers: knock it off, with the extra-hot water. Don’t make us come to your house and bathe you in your own auto-sinks!

Random: There is a guy that works in my office that is the spitting image of this guy from the Matrix

Book Talkers: You bastards. I hate you people…you know who you are. The people that feel it is necessary to chat it up with somebody who is reading a book. I honestly think these people feel that I am unhappy with my life, and that I have no friends, and that my only reason for reading is that I’m hoping against hope that someday, a person will see my pathetic book-reading, and come to my rescue. Piss off. If I’m sitting on a bench on my lunch hour, reading a book and keeping to myself, it does NOT mean that I wish to chat with you about the weather, your ugly kids, or what’s going on in world news. My favorite book talker is this person:

“Hey! Whatcha’ doin’? Reading?”
”Um…yes.”
”Do you like to read?”
"..."
"Books are fun."
“Are…are you retarded, or something? Get away from me, before your stupid rubs off on me!”

Clowns: I’m not sure why, but clowns annoy me.

Harry Potter: Some people actually believe that Harry Potter is a book of evil, intended to turn children away from God. They believe that the book is moral cancer, eating away at young people's ideals, soul, and innocence. These people need to get laid...they are too high strung, and way off course with this one. I really, really hate bible-beaters who think the entire world is going to hell because they eat spicy foods, drive too fast, or like The Simpsons. Grow up, get a life, and back up off our nuts! Idiots.


Thus ends my rambling rant. I feel much better now, thanks for reading. On a lighter note, here are the answers to some questions that Callie asked me:

1. You have been chosen for a top secret mission, one that you may not return from alive. What do you do with your last "normal" day on earth before the mission?
I would prepare for the mission at hand. Assuming that was already accomplished, I would spend time with my friends/family/lover. I would pray, and make sure to have all of my affairs in order. Then I would have mass amounts of sex and eat my favorite meal.
2. If you could only watch an hour of TV a week, what would you watch and why?
I would watch the Discovery Channel. If I were to be restricted to 60 minutes of television per week, I would at least want to watch something intelligent.
3. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
I would change my height. I've always wanted to be taller...see what the world is like from up there. I think that would be fun.
4. What is it that attracts you in a significant other?
She must have intelligence, with the ability to debate complex topics while seeing both sides of an argument. She must have nice breasts, preferably big ones. She must have a sense of humor, and she must laugh hard and often. She must be social, fun, outgoing, and interesting. She must have nice breasts. She must be adventrous in the bedroom, and bi-curious is a big bonus. She must read more than Cosmopolitan magazine. She must make me feel comfotable, safe, and special. She would want similar things that I want, like a family. She must have nice breasts.
5. You can have one superhero's powers. Whose would you choose to have, and why?
Spiderman. All the way. I know his powers aren't the coolest around, and while I assume there can be some sort of psychology involved in a person's answer to this question...I have to stick with the web head. He was my favorite comic book hero as a kid, and I would love to have his powers. Besides, you can't beat the pre-cognition Spidey-Sense! Too cool.

30 comments:

Callie said...

Fantastic answers Shanshu!

Just so I can clear up one thing . . . does your woman have to have big breasts? I wasn't too sure about that fact . . .

Oh - and Spidey is the COOLEST!! I'd have a hard time choosing between his and one of the X-men's powers.

Jen said...

Wow, Shanshu, I think I know someone who fits your description of the ideal woman pretty well...

Danikabur said...

Great answers!

I also loved the list of things you don't like. Yesturday I saw on a car 'real men believe in god'. I wanted to smack the guy.

Nameless said...

Yanno what I hate are the auto toliet flushers.. You'd think with me being as lazy as I am that it would be something I enjoy.No need to extend my arm and flush. Not hardly.. Why is it they never flush when I stand up? My ass is definatly big enough to trigger it. In the end I still have to bend slightly and extend my arm to push the button for it to flush. *snorts*

Connie said...

FYI, my cousin, who lives in a harbor city, told me that if your shrimp still has the shell on it, its really fresh and that if if does NOT have the shell on it, then its not as fresh. But what do crazy Asians know. Oh wait...

Shanshu said...

Well, even though it's nice to have fresh shrimp...it's still lame to leave the shells on, when you order it in pasta.

nameless: auto-toliets are also frustrating; though they don't usually burn my skin.

Penny Shagwell said...

LOVE the rant, my friend. LOVE IT. I may have to start doing this myself sometime very soon. But..how do you stop after a few things? I think I could rant for weeks.

EBethToThePowerOf? said...

There is a band who only sings songs about Harry Potter. . .that is pretty evil! http://www.eskimolabs.com/hp/

I hate book talkers, too. It's like, can't you tell I'm reading this book so I don't have to talk to you, bunnyhole?!

drunkbh said...

If I could have any superhero's powers it would be Professor Xavier. He may not technically be a superhero but total mind control would be bunning awesome.

Shanshu said...

HAHA! I just figured out that you can delete those spam comments! YESSS!

Bunny you, evil comment spammers! I have defeated you! hahahahahaha!

- Kat said...

Dude, ditto on the sinks. And Harry Potter.

Jen said...

Seriously, those sinks are annoying.

Spinning Girl said...

Shanshu, you Speak the Sooth.

A+ on the rant.

Shrimp skins = Yes! I'm sending this dish back to the kitchen & ordering Lazy Lobster instead (probably with the chef's saliva added, with my attitude. Bummer. But what you can't see won't kill ya).

Auto sinks, auto soap, auto paper towel & auto toilet = Yes! I'm spending way too much time waving my hand in front of an inanimate object, waiting for it to respond. Kind of like my last boyfriend, actually.

Clowns = Yes! Especially clowns with normal names, like "Brad".

Yes, Shanshu. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Jen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Shanshu said...

Grrr! I hate deleted comments! Oh, well.

spin girl: I'm glad you enjoyed my rant. I'm here to please! (insert sexual innuendo here)

:)

Crystal said...

I'd take Superman's. He can do absolutely everything.

Right on about the Harry Potter haters. They make me say, "WTF?"

B.O.B.I. said...

At the moment, although they may not technically be heroes, depending on your perspective, I'd choose the O.M.A.C. androids. They's cool shit.

By the way, I like your contention on the "nice breast" matter; it's a very well-informed decision, in my opinion. We need more and nicer breasts these days.

Danius Maximus said...

when it comes down to it, I would be superman...who wouldn't? flight and heat vision; and lets not forget the super kiss from superman II, do whatever you want with a girl give her a kiss and she wakes up woozy with no memories and a slight ache between her legs (I made up the last part)

Larry said...

Bunny slow drivers!

Keep your religion to yourself, bible thumpers. I am having too much fun being "evil".

#2-What if the show you happened to watch was American Chopper? Do you still consider that intelligent TV?

#3-Or you could just develope a Napoleon Complex. That might be fun, too.

#4-But, what sort of breasts do you think she should have?

.: raven :. said...

clowns are bad
clowns are scary ...

freaks ... i hate clowns

tolbs said...

Holy god, now I know why everyone reads your blog. You are F'n hilarious. To even think that there are auto-sink designers out there makes me laugh.

Harry Potter = Satan to me and for different reasons. I will never touch that book of doom, because EVERYONE talks about it. Why the hell do people stay up till midnight to buy a friggin book! It has to be the work of a greater being or someone from london.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Okay...let me get this straight. You like boobs. Big boobs. I'm not sure that came across completely. ;)

B.O.B.I. said...

Dammit, Tolbs, conform! READ THE DAMN BOOKS! The pain of soullessness fades in time...

And HMH, there should be no sarcasm in the discussion of nice boobs. Shame on you.

l'il bear said...

I hear you on that fucking shrimp dilema - you go to a nice restaurant, pay a good chunk of change for 5 shrimp in a ton of pasta with gloopy sauce, and you're supposed to dig in there and crack shells - eat me.

Slow drivers should car pool with other slow drivers and see what it feels like. I bet they're all retarded... I suppose that's redundant.

Clowns should be wiped off the earth, book talkers should be kicked in the skull, and I've got nice boobs.

Shanshu said...

crystal, maximus: superman is cool, also. But for me, spidey is the shiznit.

bobi: breasts are rad...pass it on.

larry: American Chopper, Monster House, Myth Busters are ok. As long as you learn something, I suppose.

tolbs: listen to Bobi. Join the HP ranks. It's so nice in here...

Holly: you have nice breasts? wanna date? :)

Ms. Adventures said...

Ok I'm new to this joint so go easy on me. I have to bring my funny diction up to par with you all...
Ok I would totally be Wonder Woman! Hello, Linda Carter? Cool bracelets that not only have bling, but bullet deferring power? Oh yea! And the lasso was the shiznit with it's truth serum type powers.

You know, I like the auto-sinks, though the scalding water I can take or leave. But I like them for the sanitary-ness. The issue I have with public restrooms is, they put all this auto-stuff in, then you have to pull the freakin' handle on the door to get out! I push the button on that hand dryer thingy with my elbow and then am forced to touch the handle where all of the people who didn't wash their hands at all touched.

UberGoober said...

mumble mumble mumble, freaking BOOK talkers.

Speak to the binding!

Shanshu said...

ashley: welcome to our world. Wonder woman was awesome, that is true. Although her "lasso of truth" was a wee bit lame. Just a wee, though. oh, and she had boobies.

Auto-doors in the bathroom? Brilliant! You should trademark that idea and make it happen.

Ms. Adventures said...

thank you, glad to be here.

The lasso was not lame, I could TOTALLY use that.

Good idea about the auto-doors!BUT WAIT..... What if they malfunctioned and hit people? That would suck. I'd get sued for every multi-million dollar I had made, then I'd end up pennyless on the street. never mind. I can deal with the maze entrances. Don't have to touch anything to go in, nor to go out.

JODSTER said...

RE: SLOW DRIVERS

"that is about as smart as hitting yourself on the head with a hammer, if you ask me."

Have you tried hitting yourself with a hammer really slowly?

I don't know what my point is, but I think I made it...