Thursday, August 18, 2005

Chinese Tattoos and Sex: Part 1


Ok so I have a friend Ryan who is currently teaching English over in China. He gets an apartment, and some money, and the chance to eat stuff that most of us name “Fido”. For the most part, it sounds like a cool gig…travel to a far away place, do far away things…not too shabby. The only beef has been the fact that he wasn’t able to view my blog because apparently China doesn’t like me.

Fine.

Recently, through some rather clever hacking and bribery (that’s a joke) the CCP has allowed my blog to be accessed through the Great Firewall of China and so now Ryan is able to read my posts. Hello Ryan…welcome to the party. Ask the gals about Group Bunny and you’ll be all caught up.

In honor of Ryan being able to view the coolest site around, I have decided to dedicate this post to my China-dwelling comrade. It doesn’t have much to do with HIM but at least it involves China, so it’s relevant.

Sort of.

About a month ago, Jen and I went out to lunch to get some Chinese food. We went to a place we have never been to before, because when it comes to food we try to be adventurous. Ever eaten Ethiopian food? We have. We live for danger…Maalox is our sponsor.

Anyway, after our Chinese food scarf fest we headed towards the register to pay our tab and exit the China House of Crap before the urge to regurgitate struck. As we were waiting in line to pay, I felt a finger touching my arm. Not touching, so much as…feeling my arm. It was creepy and it made me jump a bit, so I turned to see the source of the invasion of arm privacy. It was an old Chinese man, and he was smiling at me.

Not cool. Not cool!

It was then, I noticed he was pointing at my tattoo. My tattoo was designed by my friend Connie and it is Chinese for “honor”. I assumed that the old man was showing his approval of my ink job, and so I decided to chat him up and jump into polite stranger mode.

Me: “Hello.”
Old Man: “That is Chinese.”
Me: “Yes, it is.”
Old Man: “Yes.”
Me: “…”
Old Man: “Do you know what that means?”
Me: “I think so.”
Old Man: “Ok”

Old Man exits. I stand there, confused but still ready to pay my tab, and so I shrug off the encounter and move to the register. The girl behind the counter is also Chinese and she smiles at me and points to my arm.

Woman: “That is Chinese.”
Me: “That’s what I’m told.”
Woman: “What does it mean?”
Me: “Um…you don’t know? Aren’t you Chinese?”
Woman: “Yes.”
Me: “…”
Woman smiles.
Me: “Um…it means…honor?”
Woman: “Oh. That will be $14.50, please.”

I pay the woman and I exit the restaurant while (and I am not exaggerating this number) 4 old Chinese people try gather around me to smile at me and talk about my mysterious and suddenly-famous tattoo. Around this time, panic sets in. I begin to form theories in my head, as to why these people are so curious about my art work all of the sudden. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve been to a Chinese restaurant before…why am I so special, all of the sudden? Why did the Chinese woman not know what my tattoo read? Why did they keep pointing? Were they making fun of my tattoo? Have I been a victim of a practical joke? Am I one of those people who walks around thinking his tattoo says “Green Dragon of Death” but in reality it says “Stupid Small Penis Lizard” ?

I had to get answers...

27 comments:

Ms. Adventures said...

HMM. That's odd. Interesting choice of tatoo though. Is that your arm?

BTW where's the sex part?

Shanshu said...

Thanks, yes it's my arm.
The sex part will be in part 2.

Down, kitty! Down!

Danius Maximus said...

ha! good times my man, dig the tat

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Don't leave us hanging! Does it say "I like Boy Scouts?"

I've linked you in my new and improved blog, btw. What do I have to do to get you to return the favor? Organize an international group bunny? ;)

Shanshu said...

International group bunny would pretty much guarantee you anything you wanted!

Thanks for the link! I shall return the favor.

Next time I'm over in Europe (probably another year, or so) you owe me a pint.

Rowan said...

awww, c'mon shanshu where is part II. I still gotta finish my tat. Just my daughter's name atm....need her nickname pictogramed on there too. Don't know WHY i didn't do it all at once. Oh well.

Rowan said...

oh forgot to mention, you should ask www.frumpter.blogspot.com how he survived the firewall prob with blogs in china, he figured out a loop hole. he just got back to the states himself.

Plus, is that your arm in the photo? Hmmm, you are paler than I thought, not that that matters, s'all good.

Your post (as usual) was absolutely hillariously written, I love it!

Connie said...

Um...I have a confession to make. You know that tatoo of Chinese characters I "designed" for you? Well...uh...it doesn't say "honor." It actually says "ass muncher." That's why those Chinese people reacted that way. Do you hate me?

Connie said...

I AM SOOOOO KIDDING!!! It totally says "honor." I just wanted to freak you out a little. :) LOL. I crack my shit up!

Pizzle said...

I was thinking maybe instead of it saying "honor", it says "on her".

Now THAT would be funny.

Crystal said...

Hmm.. You don't happen to also have a tatoo of a large gryphon on your right shoulder do you?

Yes, I think I've decided you do. No! Hush! You do!

Justin said...

LMAO @ Green Dragon of Death - Stupid Small Penis Lizard.

Cliffhangers! You know what the deal was w/ the tatt, but you won't tell us yet? ARRRGH! I must know now! :)

-Justin

Shanshu said...

rowan: HEY! I took that photo a while ago, before summertime pool status. It is much darker now so you don't have to worry.

connie: you're funny. don't spoil part 2 for everybody.

pizzle: that WOULD be funny.

crystal: shhh, don't tell anybody. that's my secret tattoo that only group bunny people get to see.

justin: always leave them, wanting more.

g_samsa said...

That's really funny and very very suspensfull. Now you've got me hooked and I must, just must, know.

drunkbh said...

Check to see if it's upside down. That happened to a friend of mine.

How can you title it with the word sex and leave us hanging? We want to hear about group bunny.

Shanshu said...

g_sam: You shall know all, my friend. It's really not that interesting, though. Or is it?

drunk: down kitty! patience!

Connie said...

FYI, it is not upsidedown. But I do know someone who has a stroke missing in one of his Chinese characters. In fact, he actually reads this blog. Hey, P, has anyone ever commented on that besides me? :)

Pizzle said...

Hmmm...which one? The one on my arm? Or the characters on my leg?

The one on my arm I figured out doesn't mean what I thought it meant. Oh well. It still looks cool and means that to me. I know a whopping 1 person that actually reads Chinese, so no love lost.

Connie, had you mentioned that to me before? I don't remember that...

Shan: You know, the sex part of this story is probably going to suck now that it's been built up so much. :(

Shanshu said...

pizzle: my sex stories NEVER suck.

Connie said...

P, it's the one on your leg. I didn't menition it to you at first because I wasn't sure how you'd react. But Shan told me to go ahead and tell you. Your response was exqactly what it was above. I must be the only crazy Chinese person you know. :)

P, totally random, but do still talk to Randy F. or know how to get in touch with him? I heard that he was in Miami or something like that. I haven't talked to him a long time and would like to. Thanx!!

Shan: Your sex stories may not suck, but your girls sure do...most of the time! :) Speaking of Randy F...jealous much? :)

Pizzle said...

Connie,

Yeah, I still talk to Randy frequently.

I've got his info if you want to e-mail me. He just moved from Miami to Nashville for a job.

Holla.

Callie said...

Soooo . . . when do we get the conclusion???

Heather said...

Gawd.. I hate to be continued's...


So just for that Im not gonna finish my comment.. Im just gonna leave off....

B.O.B.I. said...

Dammit, I tried to interpolate from my knowledge of kanji, but I guess I don't know enough yet. Not that there's a direct correlation, but sometimes they match up...
Then there's those weird instances, like the characters for "letter" in Japanese are "toilet paper" in Chinese.

Boy was THAT embarassing.

Anamika Anyone said...

Now you've got me hooked to your blog!!

Danielle said...

Haa! The great firewall of china!!!!

Rowan said...

you look good anyway! I like the tat. I just thought you might actually look like Cap'n Jack. That would have been cool.