Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Amazon is my Bitch
Most of the time, I am usually the type of person to fall into the "damn the man" category. I know he's out there…controlling things and keeping me down. I try as often as I can to stick it to him, and exact my revenge. Alas, most of the time he ends up bending me over and making me call him daddy, without the courtesy of a reach-around. I never win free Big Macs from McDonald’s, nor do I even bother picking up Lotto tickets. The soda machine inevitably eats my quarters more often than most, and I have very often found myself in a precarious situation because something that was supposed to go smooth as silk, turns into crap in my hands.
Not this time.
Recently, I purchased my new Harry Potter book online through Amazon.com, in the hopes that said book would arrive on the scheduled release date. It was also confirmed in my order that the book would arrive sometime before 7:00pm, and a failure to do so would result in a full refund. Groovy gravy, sounds good to me! I purchased the book, and waited for my delivery.
Imagine my complete surprise, when the book arrived on time! There were no hang-ups, whatsoever. No problems with my delivery, or mix-ups at the hospital. My book arrived in perfect condition, on time and everything. Fuck yes! The man didn’t screw me on this one; I got my book and I was happy. All was right with the world.
A week later, I am in the process of checking email, when I notice one from Amazon books. Oh, great. Here we go…I was waiting for this. Something is wrong, isn’t it? You meant to send my book the guy next door? My credit card company cancelled the order? I owe you my first born? What?? What is wrong this time, you bastards?! I opened the email cautiously…and was surprised to find this:
Dear Amazon Customer,
We apologize for any inconvenience this situation may have caused you. We are in the process of refunding your account to compensate. Please feel free to contact us with any questions.
What the fuck? Refund money to me? What the hell are they sorry about? What went wrong, and why are they going to refund my money? I pondered this for awhile, until finally deducing that the email was a mistake. I deleted it, and moved on with my life.
Fast-forward to yesterday, when I was checking my online bank account and attempting to see how badly The Man had stuck it to me, this week…when I noticed a deposit from Amazon.com on my account. It was a refund in the amount of $1.00
Yep, a big fat juicy dollar. One dollar. Uno.
I stared at this for a minute, trying to figure out any POSSIBLE reason that Amazon could give me, to explain why they chose to refund me a friggin’ dollar from my Harry Potter book order. I puzzled, I pondered, I prayed…but no answer came to me. For whatever reason, Amazon had decided to just…send me money.
Well…um…ok. Damn the man! I have your dollar, bitches! I’ll buy a soda with it, and make up for all the times you lost my stupid quarters! Yeah! The system works! Balance has been restored to my reality. The universe has sent me a check to apologize, and I have accepted it. I only wish I could mail the dollar bill to Amazon.com and then have them sign it, and mail it back to me. Then I could hang it on my wall, as a trophy.