Yesterday, while trying to obtain a rental car for the upcoming group bunny beach bash, I came to the conclusion that Car Rental Agencies are a bunch of soulless, idiot fuck-wads. Not only are their prices so high, it makes me seriously consider committing sepaku…but they require a credit card for all reservations…no exceptions. You’re not even allowed to pay in cash, if you want to.
Credit cards only? No cash? Sniff, sniff…I smell something SHADY.
I decided to try and understand this better, so I took it upon myself to call up a national car rental agency (who shall remain nameless) to help curb my curiosity. It’s time to get some answers from these numb-nuts.
Emily: Hello, thanks for calling (name omitted) this is Emily. Can I book you a weekly reservation today?
Me: No, thanks Emily. I just have some questions for you.
Me: What would a person need to rent a car from you today?
Emily: Well, we require a valid driver’s license Kansas or Missouri. Are you 25?
Me: I was once.
Me: (rolling eyes) Yes.
Emily: Great. We require the driver to be at least 25 years of age. We also require a major credit card. We also accept debit cards, but we require a $150 deposit on that card before reservation.
Me: So…you want me to give you $150 until I give back the car?
Me: Does that replace insurance, then?
Emily: No, accident insurance is extra. It’s also optional, though we do recommend it.
Me: Ok. So what’s up with this credit card thing?
Me: Why the credit card?
Emily: Well, for security reasons.
Me: I see. So if I were to walk in there today with a valid driving license showing my proof of age, the cash for the rental plus fees, but no credit card…I couldn’t rent a car?
Emily: We require a credit card for security reasons.
Me: I see.
Emily: Can you please hold?
*fancy MUSAK plays*
Josh: Hello, this is Josh. How can I help you today?
Me: Hey Josh. I was talking to Emily.
Josh: Oh, yes. She…got busy. But I’m sure I can help you today.
Me: I’m sure you can. Well, Josh I’m looking at renting a car for the week.
Josh: Great. Can I offer you some rates?
Me: I have a few questions, first.
Me: What is this credit card thing?
Josh: Why do we require a credit card?
Josh: For security reasons.
Josh: It’s just the authorization fee. Do you have a credit card.
Me: I guess so.
Josh: Is it a major card?
Me: It’s normal sized. It’s a VISA.
Josh: That would be fine. We need that card so we can put an authorization fee for $150 on the card.
Me: Would I get that back?
Josh: Oh, of course.
Me: But not until I bring the car back?
Me: Why can’t I leave you $150 in cash?
Josh: We don’t accept cash.
Me: No cash?
Josh: No, sir. Credit cards or money orders, only.
Me: Why is that?
Josh: Security reasons.
Me: Allrighty then.
Josh: How long will you be needing a car?
Me: Oh, I don’t need one.
Me: I mean…I still have some other places to call. Gotta get the best price, you know.
Josh: Of course, sir. Well please make sure you make me your last call of the day; perhaps I can offer you a better deal.
Me: Thanks, Josh. Have a good one.
Josh: Take care!
So…the rental Nazis have no good excuses for needing a credit card for car rentals. If I hear them say the phrase “security reasons” one more time, I think I might just kill myself in the trunk of one of their rental cars. No cash…cash is still legal tender, is it not? Places that don’t accept cash are shady…shady and crooked. Crooked like Josh’s dick, crooked.
What if a person doesn’t have a credit card? Guess what? You can’t rent a car…EVER. I guess you’re walking for the rest of your vacation life.
Car rental bunny bastards.