We're one step closer to the Matrix...

So, artificial intelligence is getting better by the minute. Check out this new 20 Questions game, in which you play against the computer.

If you play by the rules, and your answers are logical and correct (ie; don't say that a rock is a "vegetable")...this AI will guess the correct answer a good percentage of the time. It's actually a little bit creepy, to be honest.

http://www.20q.net/index.html

Enjoy, and make sure that you don't let this thing get TOO smart! Oh, and don't forget to vote for me in the Best Comedic Blog category. Group bunny abounds.

Nominations and Lackluster Postings

My beach house calls to me...

Along the path of corporate servitude, many times we find ourselves in positions that do not facilitate the new transition paradigm of quality control within the business unit. If you actually thought that sentence made sense, then I feel for you...because you too are stuck in corporate America living the life of shame. They have brainwashed us to think and speak as they do. They are evil beings, with no soul and cold hearts. Do not be surprised if one day during a mangager meeting, they rip off their faces and there is a giant reptilian creature staring back at you, like that show V back in the 80’s. Your new snake manager will slither up to you, and make you analyze data on the upcoming spreadsheet for billing operations and conditions. Kill me now, oh snakey manager of pain!

Corporate life sucks, and this week my need to go against the will of The Man is increased, due to my inevitable and upcoming departure. I’m talking of course, about the Group Bunny Beach Bash, which is only 3 days away. At this point, my desire to do any productive work or to maintain my cover as a model employee has floated out the window, along with the hopes and dreams of my fellow coworkers. I can think of nothing except those golden sandy beaches, blue skies, and cold drinks. I picture the waves crashing against my legs as I take a stroll along the shore, breathing in the wonderful aroma of surf and fresh ocean air. I see myself lying on an extra large beach towel, well oiled and soaking up the sun’s rays like a piece of bacon on a sand skillet. I can almost feel the soothing water of the hot tub, soaking into my skin and relaxing me as I witness two chicks kissing in front of me.

The beach calls to me.

I close my eyes, and I can picture it. I can smell the hamburgers sizzling on the grill, and I can see the seagulls flying by. I can hear the laughter of children playing on the beach, and I can feel the tongue licking my nipple. If I concentrate hard enough, I begin to transport myself there…though only in spirit. I float through the air as a non-corporeal spirit, seeking the refuge of the holy beach land.

“WHERE IS THAT DATA? I NEED THAT SPREADSHEET FINISHED BY THIS FRIDAY SO I CAN SHOW IT TO THE VP!”

“Yes, sir Mr. Snakey I’ll have that for you by tomorrow, don’t worry. I’m on top of it, and I am following the new corporate guidelines for our new paradigm and business unit, Mr. Snakey. No need to get the whip, sir.”

He glares and slithers away, leaving me to rot in this cubicle of crap while filling out spreadsheets and pivot tables that don’t seem to really have any purpose, anyway. I hate it here. 3 days, and I make my escape. Anybody who wants to break out with me, meet me at the water cooler on Friday at 4:32pm. The password is OKI. Bring a friend, and make sure she’s hot.

Happy Hump Day!



PS: So Motherdear has informed me that I have been nominated for Best Comedic Blogsite by The Order of Brilliant Bloggers…I’m not sure if this is one of those “Who’s Who in American Students” scams, or if somebody out there actually thinks my blog is good enough to mention in a nomination. Either way, check out The Order of Brilliant Bloggers and put in a good word for me. Or vote for me…I’m not sure how the process works. Anyway, if you think my blog doesn’t suck, and if I have made you chuckle at least once before…then let others know of my comedic brilliance by casting a vote for me for Best Comedic Blogsite. If I win, I promise to put Coke in the drinking fountains, and an extra 15 minutes at recess. Vote for Pedro!

PPS: I don't think you can vote, yet. But keep an eye out for it! Remember, if I win: Group Bunny Blog party at my place!

Chiggers, Bunnies, and Cinnamon Cake

Last night, I had mom over for dinner to help celebrate her birthday. We produced some tasty food, including chicken enchiladas and taco rice. Don't ask me what Taco Rice is...it's a Lipton thing, I guess. But it was quite tasty, so I'm not going to dwell on the strange name very long. Mom enjoyed the food, and I enjoyed the Darth Vader gift bag I wrapped her presents in. It was effing cool.

After dinner we had the obligatory cake: cinnamon with vanilla icing. It was good, and we all enjoyed it. Then mom drops the load on me that she is going out of town tomorrow, and so she can't take the cake home with her because it will go bad. Aw, crap. That means that Jen and myself have 4 days to finish it, before we go out of town to the group bunny beach bash.

Crap. Cake is the last thing that we are going to want to eat, before the beach trip. Nobody wants the weight of a cinnamon cake hanging around their waists while they're lounging on the beach trying to look cool. As I tried to debate what to do with my sugary creation, Jen proposed that I bring said cake to the office, and leave it in the break room.

I punched her in the face for being stupid. Listen, the place I work is a corporate servitude hell that I would wish on no human being. It is a fortress of pain and misery, with clouds of doubt and boredom that not even the brightest light rays of hope can penetrate. It is doom. It is the end of all things. And so, I am not going to bring tasty sugar cake goodness into the midst of this darkness. Why should they eat cake? They ruined my life...I'm not going to reward them with dessert. These people make my life hell...I'm not going to feed them, for crissakes!! Besides, feeding this place will only help it grow stronger…and we definitely don’t want that.

So these corporate bunny bastards aren’t going to get a lick of my cake, no sir. I’d rather induce some sort of sugar coma to the dog next door, than to share my baking abilities with these mindless automatons.

OWNED!

I went to a Hawaii party cookout thing this weekend in Leavenworth, KS. Yes…the Federal prison. Yes, we drove by it. Yes, somebody was taking it in the butt that didn’t like it very much as we drove by. The party was a pretty good time, and I’m glad that we went. There was one part of it that sucked like nothing has ever sucked before, though: the fucking chiggers.

For those of you who don’t know what chiggers are, the best way to describe them is to say that they are very tiny mites that live in the grass that spend all of their time eating the flesh of humans. They bite. They bite and the bites itch and get red and swollen and they itch and they itch. They fucking itch. I’ve been scratching for 3 days solid, with no end in sight. My legs and feet look like some sort of middle ages plague. I itch and I scratch and I suffer. Stupid chiggers. The only funny part about this whole chigger situation, is the fact that my mom informed Jen and myself that chiggers actually burrow under the skin, which is what causes the itch. Jen freaked out and ran into the bedroom to find some sort of anti-chigger evacuation device, which included a knife and a match. We were able to talk her down from the roof, and I’m glad to say that the wonderful staff at the mental health “clinic” have informed me that she should be back on her feet in a matter of days. Great news. Even better news, is that the concept of chiggers burrowing in our flesh is NOT true, which means that I don’t have about 20 bugs crawling around my insides taking pictures.

If you’d like to know more about chiggers, please look here.


Since the bunny beach bash is so close, I am officially clocked out of this job. I really don’t feel the urge to do my work, and I feel even less likely to attend all of these meetings I have scheduled this week. Oak Island is only 4 days away and I’m going fucking nuts over here, waiting. Anyway, in honor of the group bunny beach bash, I thought I would share this with you:

Bunny Theatre: Pulp Fiction

Nothing quite as funny as cartoon bunnies reenacting a popular movie…in 30 seconds. If you don’t find this even mildly amusing, you’re dead inside.

Enjoy the rest of your day. I’ll be here scratching the top layer of skin off my feet with a cheese grater.

Car Accidents and Naughty Confessions

Ok, I know I promised you some car accident update blog posting crap today...but to be honest the whole thing has become a very annoying pin in my butt. I don't want to re-cap the past. I don't have any desire to cleanse my inner aura or share my feelings. The stupid bitch rear-ended me and then she tried to tell the police/insurance that it was MY fault. Then I went crazy with rage and spent the better part of my Friday on the phone. Now, I just want the whole silly afair to be over with and that means no posts about it. I'm fine, the car is fine (very small ding on the bumper) and the girl that hit me is a bunny bitch.

Moving on. I thought I would share a collected mass of random comments I've picked up recently from the Confessions site. I love to read stuff like this, because it lets me know that there are some wicked, screwed up people out there. Their pain makes me laugh.

Happy Monday. Oh, by the way: I didn't take the time to edit these people's confessions...so I'm sure there are grammar errors, spelling, punctuation, etc. So please ignore those and remember that it wasn't me wrote them. Enjoy.


People's Confessions:

"I hate old people. The way they dress, the way they think, the way they're coddled by the government. When old people complain about their lives to me, I want to kill them, because they get all the breaks and I can't make ends meet and am already 20k in debt just trying to put myself through a state university. Run by fucking old people."

"My boyfriend, my best friend, and I broke up a few months back. He wanted it more than I did. He's now dating this redheaded girl with one of the nicest bodies I've ever seen. She's sweet and nice and I'm cynical and suspicious of everyone. But everyone agrees that she must be the shallowest, most immature little girl they've ever met. He started dating her because he wanted a simple relationship, and he got one. But there are times, when we're all hanging out, I can joke and laugh all I want, and I'm just picturing sitting on her back, her hair wrapped around my fist, slamming her face into the pavement until it's a bloody, ruined mess. What's worse, I think I'm capable of it, too."

"My ex-fiance is now dating my what-used-to-be best friend. I know, it's sad... but she's fat, ugly and down right stupid. And I'm not. So I guess its okay. "

"People are always bringing in various chocolate and sugary treats to my office. I love sitting around, watching the fat ones getting fatter and knowing that I am better than they are because I resist."

"I hate everyone who fucked my girlfriend. Simple, isn't it? It's for pure jealousy that I get so angry that I could... but you may understand me. Don't you?"

"I love him, I want to tell him so bad. I have put on 24 pounds since we last met. I stil talk to him online but will never hint at the fact I want to see him again. I want to lose weight first, but I can't stop eating. I love him and he has no idea."

"I allow my friends to grow distant from me and act like it's their fault."

"My friend and I used to play "doctor doctor" when I was 9 and her, 11. She would undress me and stroke my private parts and tell me this is what doctors always do. We did it all the time when our parents were having our weekly christian prayer meetings at her parents place. The thing is, it actually felt good. So am I lesbian or not?"

"I dumped my oldest and best friend because he was brain-damaged from doing too many drugs. At least that's the excuse I used. The truth is I was embarrassed to have him for a friend because he was still a "hippie" and I felt I had moved on into a better, "professional" phase of my life. Since then I have fallen on hard times and there have been many times when I wished I had my old friend back - even though the drug problem might still deep-six the friendship. But I do miss the good times."

"I confess that a digital camera can add a whole new dimension to sex. My boyfriend and I have made movies of ourselves having sex, and I have made them of him as well masturbating for me or even just being naked on it for me. Thank you Sony!"

"If i like something I cannot stop until it is all gone. A whole BBQ chicken was my latest victim. I feel like a socially acceptable serial killer as i make my way through all things consumable."

"I ran away and i did not look after you because i wanted a chocolate bar. i ran all the way back though, i swear i did, but when you asked for some i just said no. you're too fat anyway, i felt sorry for you."

"I'm a writer. Here is my rough schedule: boot up computer. Check email. Look at porn sites. Check notproud.com. Check email. An hour later, do some work, about 1/2 hour's worth or even less. Eat. Check email. Check notproud.com. Look at porn sites, jerk off. Check email. Think about doing some work. Eat. Work out. Check email. Read newspaper. Check notproud. Com. Check email. Work. Eat. Check email. Look at porn sites, jerk off. Do some work. Check notproud.com. Check email. Make some phone calls. Chat in instant message with a stranger. Check email. Holy cow, it's 5 pm! Time to quit."

And my personal favorite:

"I once backed my father's car into my grandmother's car and left a HUGE crease in the side of my grandmother's car. The next day I pointed to the crease in my grandmother's car to my dad: "When did that happen?" I asked. My dad was so mad he took my grandmother's license away and she never drove again. I didn't really feel that bad, since she was always mean to me and her driving did suck. Oh, yeah, my dad gave me her car. Sweet."

WHY did you let me hit you from behind?!

So, on the way to work today I was violated. I was tagged in the ass, without the common decency of a reach-around. I was forced into a situation that I did not want to be in. Me and my car are now edgy and stressed…we were attacked.

It was raining. The roads were slick. The bitch was driving too fast. She was not in control of her vehicle. She came up on my rear bumper and tailgated me. She then slammed into me.

Whoa is me.

My chi is all sorts of fucked up. My car’s chi is all sorts of fucked up. My stress level is high, and my emotions are out of control: anger, sadness, confusion, anger, fear, annoyance. They run through me like the winds through the trees, like the water through the grass, like the burrito through the colon.

I have been rear-ended. My shoulders and neck hurt. My head hurts. My chi is fucked up.

I’m going home. I’m going to go home and drink some tea, read a book, and relax. I will be in control of my world again. I will control my emotions. I will not think about the bitch that hit me and I will most certainly not think about punching her in the face repeatedly until she loses consciousness and begs for mercy. I will calm. I will be at peace. I will not wonder what it’s like to take a human being and shove them into a lunch-box with a shoe horn.

I’m going home. I will tell you the story on Monday. I hope everybody has a good weekend, and forgive me for the cliffhanger. I just don’t have the energy right now.

Bunny.

Rambling Rough Rant, Ready?

• Ok, what the hell is up with the rain lately? It has been raining everyday for like 3 weeks, or something ridiculous. If I didn’t know better, I would say that God was flooding the world again, except this time he’s doing it REAL SLOW so as to torture us more.
• The shortest horror story ever was written by Frederic Brown in 1948 called Knock and it goes like this: “The last man on earth sat alone in a room. There was a knock at the door.”
• I leave for the group bunny beach bash in 8 days and my nipples get hard just thinking about it.
• People keep talking about Burger King's new brainstorm called Chicken Fries. Am I the only one who thinks this is lame?
• I miss Europe...I want to be back over there. The other night Ebeth was talking about moving to London and I was like "Don't tease me, you know I want to be back over there" and she was like "who's teasing? I'm serious, we should all go move there" and I squirted a little bit in my pants.
• I'm wearing my new shirt from Banana Republic and I actually like it. I don't have a picture to show you, so just use your imagination.
• Are we supposed to use punctuation in bulleted lists? I wonder if I should end these little mini-sentances with periods, or not
• Jen seems to think she made out with Darth Vader the other night. I'm not sure if she did, but now I've been having Princess Leia dreams like they are going out of style.
• The original Voltron team could kick the crap out of their remake bullshit counterparts, the Power Rangers. OWNED!
• Sometimes I wonder what some of the people in our little blog community look like naked. Then I wonder how many of them wonder that about me. Then I start thinking about online blog community group bunny parties. Then I have a soda.
• I had a crush on one of my teachers in high school, and I'm pretty sure I could nail her now, since she's like 45 years old and her defenses are down.
• I make fun of my mom for liking Patsy Cline, and I wonder if my kids will make fun of me for liking Aerosmith.
• Pizzle mentioned GI Joe in his most recent post and now the theme song from the cartoon is stuck in my head. Thanks a lot, dick.
• What happened to Dana Carvey?
• I've never once said the wrong name in bed, and sometimes I wonder what it would be like to do so. Rodeo Sex sounds fun.
• A Yuna and Lulu sex scene should have been included in FFX. It would have been famous.
• I haven't done any work yet today. I don't feel bad about it.
• Today's post is brought to you by the letter F
• Sometimes I want to start rumors about the people I blog with. You know, something innocent and fun like "Psst! I heard BOBI and Nameless have a thing going. Pass it on..."
• +10 nerd points if you know who Yuna and Lulu are.
• If my nipples get licked this weekend, I promise I will tell you about it.
• I've decided to start adding punctuation to these bulleted lists.
• Hey, Pizzle. Remember Airwolf? Remember how the theme song went? Are you humming it now? Yeah...paybacks are bitch. Take that, you fucker!

7 Things

So, I got tagged by Dirty Blonde to do this little quiz thingy. I usually like this kind of thing, but today I really like it, because I had no idea what I was going to post about today. This pretty much saved my butt, and saved the rest of you reading some dribble about Transformers being the superior cartoon heros of our generation. Enjoy.

Seven things I...

Plan to do before I die:
1- Go back to Europe and see the stuff I missed the first time
2- Swim with the dolphins
3- Drink a bottle of Dom Perignon
4- Get married/have kids
5- Own a house
6- Write a novel
7- Work a job I enjoy

Things I can do:
1- Speak Spanish
2- Get a checkmate in 4 moves
3- Use chopsticks
4- Have a photographic memory when it comes to movies and TV shows.
5- A Liberty
6- Safely use nunchakus
7- Play the violin

Things I can't do:
1- Listen to someone fold paper
2- Speak German
3- Calculate the square root of 374 in my head
4- Ride a motorcycle
5- Respect somebody who doesn't respect me
6- Grow taller
7- Forget the Alamo

Things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1- Breasts
2- Intelligence
3- Humor
4- Social and outgoing
5- Breasts
6- Long hair
7- Breasts

Things I say most:
1- "Dude, whatever"
2- "Groovy"
3- "Fuck off/fuck yourself"
4- "That is ri-fucking-diculous"
5- "Bloddy Hell"
6- "Gobbles"
7- "Group bunny"

Celebrity crushes:
1- Mira Sorvino
2- Morgan Webb
3- Sarah Michelle Gellar
4- Alyssa Milano
5- Michelle Pfeiffer
6- Jennifer Love Hewitt
7- Salma Hayek

People I want to take this quiz:
1-B.O.B.I.
2-Ebeth
3-Pizzle
4-Slayer
5-Rowan
6-Kiss Kay
7-Holly

Spammers. Must. Die.

What the fuck is up lately with these stupid spammers? I'm getting sick and tired of coming onto my blog and finding a post with 20 comments on it from spam blogging bastards. "Hey, great site! I am going to bookmark this one, for sure! I have a Ceiling Fan Blade Site. It's pretty much a site about ceiling fan blades. Come check it out!"

Screw off.

As if my life wasn't filled with enough crap? As if my email inbox wasn't already full of this spam and junk mail plague…now I have to look forward to it on my blog, too. Sonofabitch. I’d love to meet the asshole who started this trend, and punch him in the throat for coming up with such a horrible idea.

I even got an IM yesterday from a spammer. An instant message from spam. I couldn’t believe it. I actually got an IM from a fucking spammer…isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse? I’m pretty sure it is. I would grab my Bible and look it up, but I can’t find it under the gargantuan pile of junk mail sitting on my desk.

I had 10 spam comments on my post yesterday. TEN. Apparently, they’ve decided that I am in desperate need for marketing assistance. I guess The Man has been monitoring my current spending, and is unhappy with the lack of useless crap in my living room. The only answer was to deluge my blogger comments with so many worthless, annoying spam bullshit that I would be brainwashed into purchasing a new pottery set for my back porch in some sort of spammer-induced spending coma.

Pfffffffft.

I hate spam. I hate spam, and junk mail, and telemarketing phone calls. The more I think about it, the more I think I might just hate all marketing. I hate commercials, too. I hate anybody who thinks they are smarter than I am, and that they alone know the perfect combination of eye stimulus and color schemes to make me want to buy a certain kind of power tool, or a particular type of soda. Newsflash you bastards: I see through your crap. I’m on to you. I know your methods and I know how you think.

You will never get a dime from me, you bunny bastards.

Spam no more!!

I Hate Mondays

I hate Mondays. They bore me. Since I have no desire to be at work today, and since I have no desire to be awake at this exact moment in time, I am going to go ahead and do a quick post that requires little brain power and very little use of witt.

So I present you with: 5 Questions! Given to me by Pizzle, who got his from **~*E*~** :


1. If they made the movie of your life, your part would be played by who? Why?
Assuming anybody would want to make a movie about my life, I would have to assume that I was very popular and interesting. That means that they'd go with somebody famous and interesting to play me...therefore the only suitable person would be Tom Cruise. Plus, we both have dark hair.

2. Who are your personal heroes?
I've never known the answer to this question, to be honest. I really don't have anybody who I consider to be a hero. I want to say something like God or Jesus...but then I'm just lame. I could say my mother, because she is damn near perfect in my opinion...but then I'm a momma's boy. I could say lots of things, but all of them would be attempts to look cooler than I really am. The answer is: I don't have a hero.

3. What is the craziest thing you've ever done?
Dropping everything I had in the world, and heading across the pond to backpack across Europe. It was by far the craziest bunny thing I've ever done in my life, to this point. Most of my friends didn't think I had the rocks to do it. My penis grew about 2 inches after that trip.

4. What is your most annoying habit?
You'd have to ask my friends this question. Nothing I do annoys me, or else I would stop doing it. I'm sure people who know me keep a diary about stuff I do that makes them want to murder me in my sleep.

5. What is your dirty little secret?
The Kung Pao story actually happened, with minor details changed to protect the not so innocent.

Happy Frigging Monday!!

Chinese Tattoos and Sex: Part 2

After the incident at the Chinese restaurant, I headed for the car and whipped out my cell phone. As sweat trickled from my brow, my fingers pressed the buttons with such feverish fluidity that I felt as if I was possessed by Nike himself. There was only one person I needed to talk to: Connie. She alone had the answers I sought in regards to the mysteries of my tattoo. She alone could help me.

The line rang and rang, but there was no answer from the other end. She was not available to take my call at the moment. Bollocks. I resolved to send her an IM as soon as I got to work on Monday and inform her of my dilemma.

Later that night, as I was sitting on the couch and feeling sorry for myself, there was a knock at the door. I got up to answer it, and before I had the chance the door swung open. Jen stood there, holding a box of Kung Pao chicken and wearing a huge smile. I started to thank her for the dinner, but then I noticed there was somebody with her. It was a cute Chinese girl, but it wasn’t Connie…it was somebody else. Apparently, Jen had gone to another Chinese restaurant to pick up dinner, and had run into this girl (Yen) who worked at the counter. They had started talking, and Jen told her the story about my tattoo…I guess Yen found this story to be interesting enough to follow Jen over to our place so she could personally examine the tattoo and inform me of its meaning.

So while I enjoyed my chicken, Yen took my arm and looked at my ink. She informed me that the symbols on my arm did in fact mean “honor”, and that I had nothing to worry about. Most likely, the old people at the restaurant were just being polite and nosey. I breathed a sigh of relief, thanked Yen and went back to my meal.

After dinner, the three of us sat there chatting about tattoos, China, and the theory of reverse propulsion dynamics. Ok, ok…we talked about the philosophy of the Matrix. But the other one sounded much cooler, didn’t it? Anyway, while we chatted and hung out, Jen decided to make the night more interesting by making some drinks. Sadly, that night was not a good night to experiment with the Gatorade Rum theory, so we stuck with the basic rum and coke.

We had some drinks, and told some secrets. I might have even told a few lies, I’m not completely sure. Things began to get fuzzy around the time Yen decided to prove to us she had a dragon tattoo on her ass by stripping down to her underwear and doing a spontaneous fashion show twirl right there in the living room. I like dragons…they’re sexy.

Jen decided to encourage the situation by throwing dollar bills at Yen while she proceeded to dance white trash stripper style on the kitchen counter. I sat back and watched the scene with some trepidation, because the Kung Pao had upset my stomach a bit and it was a school night, after all.

Soon, things progressed as they should when given the proper formula of alcohol, sexy tattoos, and body shots. I won’t bore you with details, because I know that none of this interests anybody…so I’ll just sum up as best as I can, without getting too graphic or intense. Any and all of the following words and phrases can be used to describe the remainder of the evening:

Kiss, rub, lick, stroke, kung pao, dollar bills, dancing, hair, balcony, smoking, shots, coke, rum, Gatorade, bandages, inhaler, bed, pillow, thong, tattoos, spanking the dragon, oral bunny, screaming, pounding, sticky, phone, the number 3, biting, hide and go seek, toes, slurping, milk, ears, and shower.

The next day at work, while I attempted to gather up the courage and willpower to perform my corporate duties with flair and intelligence, I was able to get a hold of Connie. She informed me that my tattoo was correct, that the people at the restaurant were just being nosey and that I had nothing to fear. I thanked her and went about my daily routine of spreadsheets, databases, and emails while thinking about kung pao chicken and Chinese dragon tattoos.

Chinese Tattoos and Sex: Part 1

Ok so I have a friend Ryan who is currently teaching English over in China. He gets an apartment, and some money, and the chance to eat stuff that most of us name “Fido”. For the most part, it sounds like a cool gig…travel to a far away place, do far away things…not too shabby. The only beef has been the fact that he wasn’t able to view my blog because apparently China doesn’t like me.

Fine.

Recently, through some rather clever hacking and bribery (that’s a joke) the CCP has allowed my blog to be accessed through the Great Firewall of China and so now Ryan is able to read my posts. Hello Ryan…welcome to the party. Ask the gals about Group Bunny and you’ll be all caught up.

In honor of Ryan being able to view the coolest site around, I have decided to dedicate this post to my China-dwelling comrade. It doesn’t have much to do with HIM but at least it involves China, so it’s relevant.

Sort of.

About a month ago, Jen and I went out to lunch to get some Chinese food. We went to a place we have never been to before, because when it comes to food we try to be adventurous. Ever eaten Ethiopian food? We have. We live for danger…Maalox is our sponsor.

Anyway, after our Chinese food scarf fest we headed towards the register to pay our tab and exit the China House of Crap before the urge to regurgitate struck. As we were waiting in line to pay, I felt a finger touching my arm. Not touching, so much as…feeling my arm. It was creepy and it made me jump a bit, so I turned to see the source of the invasion of arm privacy. It was an old Chinese man, and he was smiling at me.

Not cool. Not cool!

It was then, I noticed he was pointing at my tattoo. My tattoo was designed by my friend Connie and it is Chinese for “honor”. I assumed that the old man was showing his approval of my ink job, and so I decided to chat him up and jump into polite stranger mode.

Me: “Hello.”
Old Man: “That is Chinese.”
Me: “Yes, it is.”
Old Man: “Yes.”
Me: “…”
Old Man: “Do you know what that means?”
Me: “I think so.”
Old Man: “Ok”

Old Man exits. I stand there, confused but still ready to pay my tab, and so I shrug off the encounter and move to the register. The girl behind the counter is also Chinese and she smiles at me and points to my arm.

Woman: “That is Chinese.”
Me: “That’s what I’m told.”
Woman: “What does it mean?”
Me: “Um…you don’t know? Aren’t you Chinese?”
Woman: “Yes.”
Me: “…”
Woman smiles.
Me: “Um…it means…honor?”
Woman: “Oh. That will be $14.50, please.”

I pay the woman and I exit the restaurant while (and I am not exaggerating this number) 4 old Chinese people try gather around me to smile at me and talk about my mysterious and suddenly-famous tattoo. Around this time, panic sets in. I begin to form theories in my head, as to why these people are so curious about my art work all of the sudden. It’s not like it’s the first time I’ve been to a Chinese restaurant before…why am I so special, all of the sudden? Why did the Chinese woman not know what my tattoo read? Why did they keep pointing? Were they making fun of my tattoo? Have I been a victim of a practical joke? Am I one of those people who walks around thinking his tattoo says “Green Dragon of Death” but in reality it says “Stupid Small Penis Lizard” ?

I had to get answers...

TAG! You're it!

I have been tagged by Nameless. Now it is my turn to do this. Don't worry...I'll tag 5 of you and you'll be forced to bend to my will. HAHAHAHAHA! Ok, here we go:

List five songs that you are currently digging - it doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words...or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions and the five songs (with artist) in your blog. Then tag five people to see what they're listening to.

1. Bring me to Life by Evanescence
2. Broken by Seether
3. Numa Numa by O-Zone
4. Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani
5. Nobody's Home by Avril Lavigne

Yeah bitches there are some songs that I am into, right now. Honestly, my music choices are so chaotic and random, there is no method to my madness. Hell, I'm even listening to The Beach Boys right now because they are great summer music. So, if you're hoping to gain any insight into my psyche by analyzing this list I'm afraid you will come up short.

Ok now it's my turn. I tag the following people:

Jen

Ebeth

Slayer

Ryan

Rich

You bunny people had better do what you're told, like good little bloggers!!

Trugoy Nezorf

• Airwolf was a good show. It was like Knight Rider, except in the air. Brilliant.
• My Fantasy Football team this year doesn't suck.
• The best Monday night cure for boredom is to bake a cake.
• Pigtails are FUN.
• G4TV has an In-Demand channel! Can you believe that?
• I have just been informed that I will not be getting paid for the workplace Team Builder scheduled for this Thursday. I guess I'll have to go see Wedding Crashers on my own time.
• I leave for the group bunny beach bash on the island in 16 days. Invitations still open.
• Flirting through blog comments and instant messenger is way too easy. If flirting like that took place in bars, everybody would have an STD.
• Ashley and Jen only lick my nipples when they are drunk, and it's giving me a complex.
• I never liked the show Jackass. Never.
• Does anybody else think that the Olsen twins are going to do soft porn someday?
• Sometimes, I'm so bored it makes me wish I still played with toys. I miss my GI Joe action figures.
• Why was GI Joe called an 'action figure' but He-Man was called a 'doll' ?
• My buddy John and I spent the better part of 30 minutes trying to remember what the name of He-Man's cat was. Not Powercat, but the alter-ego cat...the cowardly cat. I said that I thought it was Cringer. Neither one of us took the time to look it up, so it's still a mystery to us.
• The most decimals of Pi I still have memorized from high school: 3.1415926535897
• Heather Brooke can teach your girlfriend many wonderful things.
• I've decided that I do not like Aquafina Flavor Splash
• I hate the new yellow Sprint color. It makes me want to punch things.
• I'm not wearing underwear today and it makes me feel dangerous.
• I plan on having beef flavored Ramen noodles tonight.
• I haven't partied with Elizabeth for over a month and it makes me sad.
• I'm wondering where to take my video camera to get it fixed...the damn thing has been broken since last summer. Is there such a thing as a video camera repair shop?
• Random food craving of the week: EZ Cheese
• The results from last week's poll shows that most people are more attracted to threesomes and group bunny, than anything else.
• Don't you hate it when people don't finish a sen

Sprint-Nextel: The Awakening

So today is supposed to be a big, exciting day here on the Sprint World Headquarters campus. Apparently, the corporate executive goons decided that today was going to be "forget we crap on you on a daily basis and have fun" day. They put up fliers and banners and signs in an attempt to stir the workplace party animal within us. There are yellow Sprint/Nextel merger signs all over the damn place...it's a sea of yellow and black bumblebee styled delight. Warm fuzzies? Not so much.

This kind of corporate camaraderie has never drawn my attention, nor kept my interest. Since I’ve never really been happy sitting at this desk, doing the boring crap I do I can’t really get involved and excited about some of the shit they come up with over in human resources or marketing. Hawaiian shirt day? Not interested. Team builders to bowling alleys? Not my thing. Sprint/Nextel yellow and black celebration day? Gag me with a fork.

The air is buzzing with the excitement of scores of wayward employees walking around their cubicle maze, trying to find the cookies and broken promises at the end of the hallway. The upcoming merger between Sprint and Nextel promises only one thing, for people like me: I’m going to have to get used to a new corporate color scheme. That’s about it, really. Already it has begun. The network homepage used to be the Sprint color of red. Now, it’s a ridiculous bright yellow that is splattered all over the place like some sort of radioactive urine. People are walking around today wearing officially sponsored merger shirts. These people crack me up because this is the best that their week is going to be…getting to wear a tee shirt at work with some sappy workplace slogan like “Sprint and Nextel: Working Together” as they walk through the building feigning joy and excitement so the boss will look favorably on them.

Bunny that.

That’s not my thing. I’d prefer to sit here at my desk, and pretend that none of this is happening. I do not want my daily routine of suck to be interrupted by fake corporate happiness and such. Anybody here ever watch the show Dead Like Me? If you do, then I can sum up what this place is like today: The Happy Time temp agency and Dolores in her full happy-go-lucky splendor. Or, for those of you who don’t watch the show: It’s like…eating poison hidden in candy. The sugar coating, fun outside tries to mask the horror and evil within.

That about sums it up. Today's "act like we're happy about the merger" day makes me want to vomit up my own spleen. I just hope I can find enough things to occupy my time, so I don't have to interact with some of these mindless corporate robots who think that the secret to happiness is carrying around balloons with corporate logos and eating frosted donuts in the breakroom. Is it too early for a drink?

Happy Monday, my faithful but few readers.


RANDOM: On the way to work today, I hummed the theme song from Airwolf. I’m not sure why…since I haven’t thought about that show in like 17 years. My brain is officially trying to fuck with me on a daily basis, now.

Dude...DUDE! Pay attention!

Cell Phone Etiquette: 101

I was in the bathroom this morning having a pee, when suddenly a shrill cry rang out. No, it wasn’t from me. It was from the very noticeable and annoyingly loud ring of a cell phone. As I completed my deposit in the auto-toilet and headed towards the stupid bunny auto-sinks to burn my hands, I noticed that the ringing was coming from one of the stalls. Hoping the guy was going to figure out a way to stop his phone from ringing, I began the process of washing my hands as quickly as possible, when the craziest thing happened: the dude answered the damn phone, and started talking.

I couldn’t believe it. Here’s this guy on the toilet, having a dump. Dropping the kids off at the pool. Making the brown. Going number two. While he is doing this act of nature, he answers his damn cell phone and begins chatting it up with the other idiot who called him. He actually did a courtesy flush while he was talking with this guy, and I’m wondering why his friend isn’t saying “Uh…Frank? Was that a flush I just heard? Are you…are you on the fucking toilet, Frank? While you’re talking with me? Oh, that’s just rich. Thanks a lot for THAT mental image, you bastard!”

He kept talking and talking on his phone, while he took his dump. The rest of us in the bathroom just stared at the stall door, in awe. We couldn’t believe this guy was having a conversation like this. He knew we were all listening, too…which made it even funnier in my mind.

At one point, I even saw the dude cross his feet, as if he were lounging around the house watching football. Easy like Sunday morning.

I think there are certain social rules people should abide by. Don’t pick your nose at the dinner table. Do not sleep with your cousin. Don’t throw babies at mice. Don’t ask somebody at a funeral if they are having a good day. And the new one should be: Don’t talk on your cell phone while you’re taking a shit in public.

Rental Car Espionage

Yesterday, while trying to obtain a rental car for the upcoming group bunny beach bash, I came to the conclusion that Car Rental Agencies are a bunch of soulless, idiot fuck-wads. Not only are their prices so high, it makes me seriously consider committing sepaku…but they require a credit card for all reservations…no exceptions. You’re not even allowed to pay in cash, if you want to.

Credit cards only? No cash? Sniff, sniff…I smell something SHADY.

I decided to try and understand this better, so I took it upon myself to call up a national car rental agency (who shall remain nameless) to help curb my curiosity. It’s time to get some answers from these numb-nuts.

Emily: Hello, thanks for calling (name omitted) this is Emily. Can I book you a weekly reservation today?
Me: No, thanks Emily. I just have some questions for you.
Emily: Ok!
Me: What would a person need to rent a car from you today?
Emily: Well, we require a valid driver’s license Kansas or Missouri. Are you 25?
Me: I was once.
Emily: …
Me: (rolling eyes) Yes.
Emily: Great. We require the driver to be at least 25 years of age. We also require a major credit card. We also accept debit cards, but we require a $150 deposit on that card before reservation.
Me: So…you want me to give you $150 until I give back the car?
Emily: Yes.
Me: Does that replace insurance, then?
Emily: No, accident insurance is extra. It’s also optional, though we do recommend it.
Me: Ok. So what’s up with this credit card thing?
Emily: Pardon?
Me: Why the credit card?
Emily: Well, for security reasons.
Me: I see. So if I were to walk in there today with a valid driving license showing my proof of age, the cash for the rental plus fees, but no credit card…I couldn’t rent a car?
Emily: We require a credit card for security reasons.
Me: I see.
Emily: Can you please hold?
Me: Sure.

*fancy MUSAK plays*

Josh: Hello, this is Josh. How can I help you today?
Me: Hey Josh. I was talking to Emily.
Josh: Oh, yes. She…got busy. But I’m sure I can help you today.
Me: I’m sure you can. Well, Josh I’m looking at renting a car for the week.
Josh: Great. Can I offer you some rates?
Me: I have a few questions, first.
Josh: Ok.
Me: What is this credit card thing?
Josh: Why do we require a credit card?
Me: Yes.
Josh: For security reasons.
Me: Ok…
Josh: …
Me: …
Josh: It’s just the authorization fee. Do you have a credit card.
Me: I guess so.
Josh: Is it a major card?
Me: It’s normal sized. It’s a VISA.
Josh: That would be fine. We need that card so we can put an authorization fee for $150 on the card.
Me: Would I get that back?
Josh: Oh, of course.
Me: But not until I bring the car back?
Josh: Correct.
Me: Why can’t I leave you $150 in cash?
Josh: We don’t accept cash.
Me: No cash?
Josh: No, sir. Credit cards or money orders, only.
Me: Why is that?
Josh: Security reasons.
Me: Allrighty then.
Josh: How long will you be needing a car?
Me: Oh, I don’t need one.
Josh: …
Me: I mean…I still have some other places to call. Gotta get the best price, you know.
Josh: Of course, sir. Well please make sure you make me your last call of the day; perhaps I can offer you a better deal.
Me: Thanks, Josh. Have a good one.
Josh: Take care!

So…the rental Nazis have no good excuses for needing a credit card for car rentals. If I hear them say the phrase “security reasons” one more time, I think I might just kill myself in the trunk of one of their rental cars. No cash…cash is still legal tender, is it not? Places that don’t accept cash are shady…shady and crooked. Crooked like Josh’s dick, crooked.

What if a person doesn’t have a credit card? Guess what? You can’t rent a car…EVER. I guess you’re walking for the rest of your vacation life.

Car rental bunny bastards.

Yet Another Fun Personaility Test

Yes, I'm lame. Yes, I am not very creative today. Yes, I will be sure to do a post about group bunny, nipple licking, and spanking. But not right now. Right now, I will simply do yet another sad attempt at coolness by sharing something I stole from Bobi's blog. It's another one of those personality tests that tells you what famous political figure you would be.

This isn't my post for the day, kiddies. This is just...filler, until I can think of something more clever to dish out to you. So don't fret (this is the dumbest word ever, by the way. FRET. It's like....some weird contraction or smashing of two words that went horribly wrong. Kinda like when a brother and sister procreate, and the end result is a slow kid? FRET is the slow child of "Frozen" and "Set"), I shall return later with something to tickle your naughties and stimulate your minds.

Until then... get on your knees.

Beat that, bitches! I am Bill Clinton. It is official, folks: I'm just a sexual beast. Yah, baby!

Take the Quiz Here

Rambling Rant Time!

Shrimp: Ok, so what the hell is up with shrimp, lately? The last 2 times I have gone to an Italian restaurant and ordered a shrimp pasta dish, the shrimp have been served with the shells still on. WTF? Are these chefs really that lazy, that they no longer de-shell your shrimp for you? Are we really expected to sit there, and pick the shrimp out of our bowls of pasta…take them out of their shells…and then put them back into the bowl? That is the dumbest food idea I’ve heard all week. Lazy shrimp cooking bastards! Pony up, and make my damn pasta the correct way!

Slow drivers: I cannot say enough bad things about these people. They are a danger to all us. I know they think that if they drive really slow on the highway, it actually makes them safer. Well…that is about as smart as hitting yourself on the head with a hammer, if you ask me. Slow driving causes other people to break suddenly, disrupts the flow of traffic, and can generally lead to accidents. Traffic jams? Caused from slow idiot drivers! Rush hour would actually RUSH if it weren’t for the guy up there in the fast lane going 45 mph in a 70. Screw him, in his stupid bunny. Newsflash, slow drivers: we know where you live, and we’re coming to kill you.

Auto-Sinks: My corporate servitude involves several things: a fancy world headquarters campus, a cubicle styled after the prison cells of The Tower of London, and auto-sinks in the restrooms. Auto-sinks are a good idea, since they save money and help stop the “overflow the sink” prank that so many children seem to think is the funniest thing ever. I like the idea of the auto-sink, but I do not like the recent trend in the making the water temperature scalding hot. Do these sink designers really think I enjoy washing my hands in water so hot, I actually walk away with red skin? Seriously, the sinks at my work (and certain hotels which shall remain nameless) have the hot water turned all the way up, with no cold water to help dull the searing pain. I am forced to rinse my hands so quickly, I feel like I’m in some sort of life-or-death situation. In an attempt to curb this, I have recently begun the practice of washing my hands in multiple sinks, because that way the water doesn’t have time to burn me. Hey, idiot auto-sink designers: knock it off, with the extra-hot water. Don’t make us come to your house and bathe you in your own auto-sinks!

Random: There is a guy that works in my office that is the spitting image of this guy from the Matrix

Book Talkers: You bastards. I hate you people…you know who you are. The people that feel it is necessary to chat it up with somebody who is reading a book. I honestly think these people feel that I am unhappy with my life, and that I have no friends, and that my only reason for reading is that I’m hoping against hope that someday, a person will see my pathetic book-reading, and come to my rescue. Piss off. If I’m sitting on a bench on my lunch hour, reading a book and keeping to myself, it does NOT mean that I wish to chat with you about the weather, your ugly kids, or what’s going on in world news. My favorite book talker is this person:

“Hey! Whatcha’ doin’? Reading?”
”Um…yes.”
”Do you like to read?”
"..."
"Books are fun."
“Are…are you retarded, or something? Get away from me, before your stupid rubs off on me!”

Clowns: I’m not sure why, but clowns annoy me.

Harry Potter: Some people actually believe that Harry Potter is a book of evil, intended to turn children away from God. They believe that the book is moral cancer, eating away at young people's ideals, soul, and innocence. These people need to get laid...they are too high strung, and way off course with this one. I really, really hate bible-beaters who think the entire world is going to hell because they eat spicy foods, drive too fast, or like The Simpsons. Grow up, get a life, and back up off our nuts! Idiots.


Thus ends my rambling rant. I feel much better now, thanks for reading. On a lighter note, here are the answers to some questions that Callie asked me:

1. You have been chosen for a top secret mission, one that you may not return from alive. What do you do with your last "normal" day on earth before the mission?
I would prepare for the mission at hand. Assuming that was already accomplished, I would spend time with my friends/family/lover. I would pray, and make sure to have all of my affairs in order. Then I would have mass amounts of sex and eat my favorite meal.
2. If you could only watch an hour of TV a week, what would you watch and why?
I would watch the Discovery Channel. If I were to be restricted to 60 minutes of television per week, I would at least want to watch something intelligent.
3. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be and why?
I would change my height. I've always wanted to be taller...see what the world is like from up there. I think that would be fun.
4. What is it that attracts you in a significant other?
She must have intelligence, with the ability to debate complex topics while seeing both sides of an argument. She must have nice breasts, preferably big ones. She must have a sense of humor, and she must laugh hard and often. She must be social, fun, outgoing, and interesting. She must have nice breasts. She must be adventrous in the bedroom, and bi-curious is a big bonus. She must read more than Cosmopolitan magazine. She must make me feel comfotable, safe, and special. She would want similar things that I want, like a family. She must have nice breasts.
5. You can have one superhero's powers. Whose would you choose to have, and why?
Spiderman. All the way. I know his powers aren't the coolest around, and while I assume there can be some sort of psychology involved in a person's answer to this question...I have to stick with the web head. He was my favorite comic book hero as a kid, and I would love to have his powers. Besides, you can't beat the pre-cognition Spidey-Sense! Too cool.

The Weekend Review

As many of you know, most of my Monday posts revolve around sharing my weekend with the assembled masses. They sit around the computer, sipping coffee and reading about my exploits with anxious smiles and tingly nether regions . Usually these posts involve tales of alcohol, sex, threesomes, group bunny, hangovers, cartoons, Gatorade, and cheesy eggs. Only once did it involve a goat, and that was a very strange night that we have promised Mr. Adams that we would never bring up again in public.

Today’s Monday morning review is only different in the sense that my weekend was devoid of anything interesting, whatsoever. I doubt very much that anything I have to say today would even cause a slight itch in people’s pants, or cause more than a soft chuckle to erupt from your tummy. My weekend was dull.

The best part of my weekend? I got drunk and watched Alien vs. Predator while two of my girlfriends licked my nipples. Ashley and Jen took turns on me, while they started making out with each other as well. I had trouble focusing on the movie, and so I began to get more involved in what was happening on the couch. I slid my hand up Ashley’s shirt and found her breasts, while Jen kissed my neck and rubbed my…argh I can’t do it!

Sigh.

I made that up. We didn’t watch Alien vs. Predator, the movie was Steel Magnolias. Ok, ok…I’m lying! There was no nipple licking or 3-way action of any kind, this weekend. I tried to make an interesting post, but I just can’t lie to my faithful but few readers.

Lame.

The truth is, my weekend consisted of watching movies, without the threesomes. I watched a total of 6 movies this weekend, which is enough to make me want to go out tonight and do horrible things to somebody’s sister or pet Yorkie. I watched:

Underworld
Dead Calm
Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas
The Core
Timeline
Stargate

Pretty pathetic, I know. Sure, I did other things this weekend that weren’t lame. I went to the Mead Day celebration with some friends and had some mead, did some honey tasting, and saw part of the brewing process. Or the fermenting process…not sure which part I actually watched, to be honest. I’m going to assume it was part of the brewing process. Fermentation takes too long, for me to have been witness to it, in a few short hours.

I also met up with some old friends at the bar randomly one night; gotta’ love those phone calls at 11:45pm. “Hey bashturd! Whattya doooin? You shneed to come out to the bar wit us! Get yer boot up here and have a shot with uzz! We’ll meet ewe thereey. *hic* ok see you shloon.”

So, I did stuff! Yeah! I am not as pathetic as you might assume! Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

Anyway, sorry to disappoint, but my weekend was fairly laid back and relaxing, which is great to do, sometimes. It also rained a lot this weekend, so I don’t feel as bad about staying inside my apartment like a hermit. And I’m sure that since the famous bunny Oak Island beach adventure is only 25 days away, I need to store up all the energy I can.

Oh by the way, save yourself the horror and NEVER sit down and watch Timeline. That movie made my butt itch, it was so bad. I think I still have a little bit of vomit in my mouth, from it.

Groovy Gravy! Another Hangover Post!

You know the drill. I am hungover, I am tired, and I am not creative or witty or interesting. So, you get a list of random thoughts and incoherent babble to skim over and comment on. Hopefully, you will get some enjoyment out of it. Enjoy.

• My hangover drink today: Aquafina Flavor Splash (Wild Berry). It's very strange...kinda like Kool-Aid with WAY to much melted ice in it. I can't decide if I like it, or not.
• 2:00am is not an acceptable bedtime for people with jobs in corporate servitude.
• Matrix Revolutions was the worst sequel ever made. Seriously...what the fuck happened at the end? Can anybody explain it?
• I hate meetings...they are pointless, annoying wastes of my time. They suck away an hour of my life, that I will never get back.
• Buffy Summers should have never dated Riley Finn. The guy was a tool.
• The alien chick from Total Recall with the 3 boobs was awesome. I was going to post a pic of her, but I couldn't make it work, for some reason.
• Why do sunburns itch? That's really annoying.
• Why are kittens and puppies so fucking cute?
• Revenge of the Sith is a really bad video game. I mean, really.
• Morgan Webb is hot for various reasons.
• I don't think I could ever date a girl who wouldn't make out with another girl, at least once. That kind of close-mindedness must not be tolerated.
• I'm planning on having Chinese food for lunch, today. Veggie only...with my Flavor Splash water drink.
• The Count of Monte Cristo is seriously the longest bunny book I have ever bunny read in my entire bunny life.
• Best Dumb Joke I know right now: What is ET short for? (answer at bottom)
• Downy dryer sheets are the bomb.
• Opium is just boring...people should just smoke weed, and cut out the bullshit.
• Burger King has better french fries than McDonald's.
• I'm not going to spell check this post, because I don't care.
• Because he has little legs!

What Happened to AIDS?

This morning, as I was getting ready to head out to work, I stumbled across a movie on HBO that I hadn’t seen in years. It was a movie about the origin of AIDS, and the fight against the virus. I only got to watch a few minutes of it, but those few minutes were enough to remind me about something: AIDS is still a problem. As I drove to work, I started thinking about this, which lead to other thoughts about HIV, AIDS research, etc. Then something dawned on me: I haven’t even heard about AIDS in a long time. Not in the media, television, movies, posters, advertisements, medical journals...none of them cover the AIDS epidemic, like they used to. Of course it’s still covered, but on a much lower scale. So I wondered…when did AIDS stop being interesting news?

I remember when you couldn’t turn on the television without seeing an ad to help promote safe sex, or HIV prevention, or blood testing. I remember when celebrities would come out with the news that they, too were not immune to the virus (Magic Johnson…ring a bell?). I remember Ryan White. I remember school programs and posters to help spread awareness. I remember the feeling of world-wide support to fight a common enemy. Now, you have to search to find news on the latest AIDS research, or preventative measures. What happened? Did we cure AIDS? Did we figure out a retrovirus that I am not aware of? Did people stop getting infected, or something? I’m guessing not. So why don’t we hear about it anymore??

Is it just old news? Did the media decide that AIDS wasn’t as important as celebrity gossip, or preventative measures for youth smoking? I’m sorry, but what new guy Paris Hilton is screwing this week is NOT as important as a health epidemic. It’s a bit disturbing that our country’s media seems more intent on getting teenagers to stop lighting up, than it does on stopping the spread of AIDS. I also find it really disturbing that I can go to CNN to find out what happened last night on [insert reality show here], but I can’t get HIV infection statistics for my city.

Pathetic.

I guess media attention to heath epidemics is treated with the same “this is hot right now” attitude as Hollywood fashion, music trends, and movie genres (anybody else sick of the recent “if it’s a comic book, we HAVE to make a movie out of it” thing?). If this is the case, then perhaps we can assume that in a few years AIDS will become “back in style” and then maybe we’ll start hearing more about it, again.


Recent news about AIDS

Sweet! I'm the king!

Ok, so...I stole yet another idea from somebody else's blog. I can't help it...some of this stuff is just too cool to ignore! Today's theft is from fellow blogger Rowan. It's a quiz to determine which sci-fi character you would be. I love crap like this!

My results: Aragorn from Lord of the Rings.

Aw, yeah! Put that in your pipe, and smoke it.



Take the quiz here

Amazon is my Bitch

Most of the time, I am usually the type of person to fall into the "damn the man" category. I know he's out there…controlling things and keeping me down. I try as often as I can to stick it to him, and exact my revenge. Alas, most of the time he ends up bending me over and making me call him daddy, without the courtesy of a reach-around. I never win free Big Macs from McDonald’s, nor do I even bother picking up Lotto tickets. The soda machine inevitably eats my quarters more often than most, and I have very often found myself in a precarious situation because something that was supposed to go smooth as silk, turns into crap in my hands.

Not this time.

Recently, I purchased my new Harry Potter book online through Amazon.com, in the hopes that said book would arrive on the scheduled release date. It was also confirmed in my order that the book would arrive sometime before 7:00pm, and a failure to do so would result in a full refund. Groovy gravy, sounds good to me! I purchased the book, and waited for my delivery.

Imagine my complete surprise, when the book arrived on time! There were no hang-ups, whatsoever. No problems with my delivery, or mix-ups at the hospital. My book arrived in perfect condition, on time and everything. Fuck yes! The man didn’t screw me on this one; I got my book and I was happy. All was right with the world.

A week later, I am in the process of checking email, when I notice one from Amazon books. Oh, great. Here we go…I was waiting for this. Something is wrong, isn’t it? You meant to send my book the guy next door? My credit card company cancelled the order? I owe you my first born? What?? What is wrong this time, you bastards?! I opened the email cautiously…and was surprised to find this:

Dear Amazon Customer,
We apologize for any inconvenience this situation may have caused you. We are in the process of refunding your account to compensate. Please feel free to contact us with any questions.
Sincerely, Amazon.com

???

What the fuck? Refund money to me? What the hell are they sorry about? What went wrong, and why are they going to refund my money? I pondered this for awhile, until finally deducing that the email was a mistake. I deleted it, and moved on with my life.

Fast-forward to yesterday, when I was checking my online bank account and attempting to see how badly The Man had stuck it to me, this week…when I noticed a deposit from Amazon.com on my account. It was a refund in the amount of $1.00

Yep, a big fat juicy dollar. One dollar. Uno.

I stared at this for a minute, trying to figure out any POSSIBLE reason that Amazon could give me, to explain why they chose to refund me a friggin’ dollar from my Harry Potter book order. I puzzled, I pondered, I prayed…but no answer came to me. For whatever reason, Amazon had decided to just…send me money.

Well…um…ok. Damn the man! I have your dollar, bitches! I’ll buy a soda with it, and make up for all the times you lost my stupid quarters! Yeah! The system works! Balance has been restored to my reality. The universe has sent me a check to apologize, and I have accepted it. I only wish I could mail the dollar bill to Amazon.com and then have them sign it, and mail it back to me. Then I could hang it on my wall, as a trophy.

Ohh! A Monday Morning List!

Ok, so I'm stealing this list from Danikabur's site...which makes me completely lame and un-creative, I know. But it's Monday morning, and I'm not awake, and my creative juices are not yet flowing. Besides, I like lists...they're fun. And I like to give other people props...so Dani, here ya go! I hope some of you enjoy this enough to post a comment about sex.

Things I have done in my lifetime, as of today:

(x) Smoked a joint
() Been in a wet t-shirt contest
(x) Crashed a car
() Stolen a car
(x) Been in love
(x) Had a threesome
(x) Been dumped
(x) Shoplifted
(x) Been fired
(x) Been in a fist fight
(x) Snuck out of the house
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
(x) Been arrested
(x) Made out with a stranger
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Lied to a friend
(x) Had a crush on a teacher
(x) Been to Europe
(x) Skipped school
() Seen someone die
() Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been on a plane
() Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Thrown up in a bar
() Purposely set a part of yourself on fire
() Eaten Sushi
() Been snowboarding
(x) Met someone from the internet in person
() Been moshing at a concert
() Been in an abusive relationship
(x) Taken painkillers
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now
(x) Lay and watch cloud shapes go by
(x) Made a snow angel
() Had a tea party
(x) Flown a kite
(x) Built a sand castle
() Gone puddle jumping
() Played dress up
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) Gone sledding
(x) Cheated while playing a game
(x) Been lonely
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school
(x) Used a fake ID
(x) Watched the sunset
() Felt an earthquake
(x) Touched a snake
(x) Slept beneath the stars
(x) Been tickled
() Been robbed
(x) Been misunderstood
(x) Pet a reindeer/goat
(x) Won a contest
(x) Run a red light
() Been suspended from school
(x) Been in a car accident
(x) Had braces
(x) Felt like an outcast
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) Had deja vu
() Danced in the moonlight
(x) Hated the way you look
(x) Witnessed a crime
() Pole danced
() Been obsessed with post-it notes
() Walked barefoot through the mud
(x) Been lost
() Been to the opposite side of the world
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Felt like dying
() Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
() Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
() Sung karaoke
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
() Danced naked in the rain
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe
() Watched the sun rise with someone you care about
(x) Blown bubbles
(x) Had a bonfire on the beach
(x) Crashed a party
() Gone rollerblading
(x) Had a wish come true
() Worn pearls
() Jumped off a bridge
() Screamed the word penis in public
() Ate dog/cat food
() Told a complete stranger you loved them
() Kissed a mirror
(x) Sang in the shower
() Owned a little black dress
(x) Had a dream that you married someone
() Glued your hand to something
() Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
() Kissed a fish
() Worn the opposite sex's clothes
(x) Been a cheerleader
(x) Sat on a roof top
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs
(x) Done a one-handed cartwheel
() Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
(x) Stayed up all night
(x) Didn't take a shower for a week
(x) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) Climbed a tree
() Had a tree house
(x) Are NOT scared to watch scary movies
() Believe in ghosts
() Have more than 30 pairs of shoes
() Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
(x) Gone streaking
() Played chicken
(x) Been skinny dipping
(x) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on
(x) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger
() Broken a bone
(x) Been easily amused
() Caught a fish then ate it
(x) Caught a butterfly
(x) Laughed so hard you cried
(x) Cried so hard you laughed
(x) Mooned/flashed someone
(x) Had someone moon/flash you
(x) Cheated on a test
(x) Forgotten someone's name
(x) Slept naked
() French braided someone's hair
(x) Grown a beard