Office Supply Wednesday

Omi recently fell into the mix with the nearby copy/fax machine combo monster unit. I was able to capture a few shots, unnoticed by our hero:


Here you can see that Omi the Orange Office Ninja has encountered the strange goliath copier/fax combo machine. In an effort to press his dominance over all things office supply, Omi attempts to reason with the plastic beast.


Oh, no! The copier/fax machine fights back! Here you can see Omi in a desperate situation...


Yikes! The green laser beams of death have begun to scan our hero! What diabolical scheme has this Xerox beast hatched for Omi?


This means war!

Happy Friday!

Today's smile brought to you by Foamy the Squirrel : If you've ever had to call Tech Support before, you can relate to this:

Here are the other two Tech Support cartoons, if you'd like to check them out. My favorite is Tech Support #1...cracks me up, every single time I watch it. Enjoy!

Tech Support #2

Tech Support #1

Omi Supply Wednesday!

Happy OSW!

Welcome to the Adventures of Omi the Office Ninja! I have managed to aquire some of Omi's diary from his travels...take a look to see what our favorite little orange assasin has been up to recently!

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Omi's Log: Day 1

I have successfully escaped the sparsely decorated confines of my rectangular prison. The process was difficult, but in the end I was able to break away and make a dash for the next cell, where I hoped my presence would go unnoticed until such time as my captors ceased their pursuit. My cell-mate, a very handsome and intelligent warrior, facilitated my release with a well-timed distraction. His very descriptive story about group sex and fermented hops was enough to keep the other prisoners busy while I searched for clues as to my whereabouts in this brightly lit, yet stale smelling new environment. If I am lucky, tomorrow I will attempt to traverse the green carpeted marshes and arrive at the local watering hole. May the mighty oracle Dell protect me, on my quest.
-Omi


Omi's Log: Day 3

Today's questing has yielded positive results! I have successfully discovered the location of the local watering hole. It is a very shiny, smooth place with running springs and strange holes in the ground. After extensive study, I have determined that the springs use these holes to evacuate the excess water around the shiny watering hole area, in order to keep the basin from overflowing. I find this engineering feat to be genius, and hope to find further evidence of technological marvels throughout the course of my journey. May the mighty oracle of Dell protect me.
-Omi


Omi's Log: Day 5

So far, my quest of discovery has been fruitful and enlightening. Yesterday, I was in the process of determining the proper function of the mysterious machine of brown hot liquid. After careful review and many hours of observation, it has become apparent that the machine serves as some sort of drinking receptacle for the workers here. The liquid seems to give them vitality and stamina, which I can only assume makes them more productive drones. I attempted to sample some of this "Cough Eee" as the workers called it, however I was unable to drink. The Cough-Eee was too hot, and I began to feel my face burn as I tried. While I was leaving the Cough-Eee area, I heard a worker approach! Quickly, I dove into a nearby bushel of pink pillows, hoping to use my ninja skills of stealth and concealment to my advantage. I'm happy to report that the worker did not notice me, and I was able to continue my travels unabated. Tomorrow I will head towards a source of light I have noticed at the end of the hallway of the green carpet marshes. May the mighty oracle protect me.
-Omi

Omi's Log: Day 7

This new world has proven to be much larger than I anticipated. Today I stumbled across a strange, transparent wall which impeded my journey and restricted me from traveling any further in that direction. As I gazed through the mysterious portal, I saw beyond it a world full of wondrous things and places. It is my hope, that someday I shall step foot into this new world and learn all that there is to learn...and complete my journey of enlightenment.
-Omi


Omi's Log: Day 8

The workers here are better taken care of, than I originally expected. Today I discovered a cave of water machines and mighty springs of joy. These tall architectural wonders stretched far and wide, and I admit I found myself excited to bathe myself in all of the waters that were offered to me. I desired to sample all of the springs, hoping for some sort of magical result or perhaps a blessing from Dell for my successful pilgrimage. Alas, I did not receive a magical blessing, but at one point I did manage to obtain a generous helping of a slimy, sweet smelling substance which poured from a shiny metal spout above my head. When combined with the water of the spring, it produced a wondrous mixture which can only be described as heavy air globules of semi-wet wonderment.

After playing for hours in these sweet-smelling pillows of fun, I headed towards one of the larger water altars. I have dubbed these devices the "Whoosh-Gurglers" because of the strange noise that they create. At times, the water in the lake of these large water altars does not move. At other times, it makes a strange noise and then disappears from view...sucked down into a vortex of darkness. After the water recedes, it then bubbles itself back up, like the springs of old my grandfather told me about. I'm not sure what purpose these serve, and so until I am convinced of their use, I shall remain here studying them. Many ninja would feel threatened by such a long, arduous task of observation. I, however, am not at all worried. These strange altars hold plenty of drinking water, and I have created a new game in which I attempt to guess the amount of time that will elapse in between each water disappearance. The answer will not elude me for long. Until then, may the Dell oracle enlighten me.
-Omi

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Don't miss next week's exciting episode of The Adventures of Omi the Office Ninja, when Omi confronts the strange monster of replication!

...and the winner is: a big fat chainsaw to your head!

Let's get this out in the open, right now. I don't want there to be any confusion on this matter, nor do I wish for anybody to walk away from their computer without knowing my belief in regards to one of the things in this world that actually causes me pain, from all of the rage that builds up within my body when I think about it. I fucking hate award shows.

Last night, I'm sure a great many of you turned your attentions towards The Oscars with hopes of wardrobe malfunctions and the wackiness that ensues when uber important mega-rich movie gods honor us with their presence for a few hours while they take the opportunity to pat each other on the backs and remind us of how cool they are. I'm sure there were some great non-improvised cheesy one-liners and a whole plethora of "shouts out to God" in-between the skits and musical numbers that helped draw attention away from the recently washed-up actor in the second hour of his drug-induced coma. I'm sure it was peachy.

It's just...not my thing. And that is the nicest way I can put that, without offending the whole damn world.

Award shows bug the ever-loving shit out of me, and that is no joke. At one point while flipping channels last night, I accidentally caught about 10 seconds of the announcer saying something movie related during the Oscars, and it actually made my liver scrunch up and die. I have to go downtown to the black market and pick a new one up, this afternoon. Ohhh that reminds me, I also need some paperclips...

Anyhoo, since I hate award shows more than I hate being kicked in the nuts by a pissed off donkey, I spent most of last night watching Dog The Bounty Hunter reruns while my girlfriend licked my nipples and moaned like a porn star. I tried to get her to invite another girl over for some anti-awards show group bunny protest sex...but alas, we couldn't find anybody who wasn't watching the damn Oscars.

Unlike my victory over Reality TV, I know with this one I'm fighting a losing battle...I know that most people enjoy watching award shows, and there is no end in sight to the madness. I know that people anxiously awaiting to hear who the pre-determined winner for Best Actor or Best Film are numerous, and cannot be stopped. I know that for whatever reason, award shows entertain most of you...and I respect that.

I just fucking hate them. I hate the Oscars, worst of all. The arrogance and pretentiousness of the whole thing makes my butt itch. I'm actually thankful that I haven't heard people talking about The Oscars yet, here at work. I think that might actually push me over the edge.

I hate award shows, and I hate the hype that surrounds them, and I hate the news articles and summations you find online about them the next day. I hate the whole fucking process, and everything that it entails.

Oh, by the way...who won for best actor?

Office Supply Wednesday

Omi's Journey of Discovery: Part 1


Omi has recently taken up a quest. His quest involves traveling to a far away cubicle to do battle with an evil office supply. I don't have many details at this point...all I know, is that he decided to leave and there was nothing I could do to stop him. Sometimes, the way of the warrior is hard to understand.

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I begged Omi to stay here, where he was safe. Without a word, he turned and headed towards the edge of the desk. I noticed there was a look of sadness in his eyes...but his resolve was stone.


Staring out over the edge of the void, Omi steadied himself, preparing his body and soul for the battle he must fight. A true warrior must always be prepared for new challenges.


He made it! After making his way down to the floor, Omi began his trek to the unknown world of Cubicles. What lay beyond his safety cube? What dangers exist beyond these walls? We can only guess.

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The voyage of Omi the Office Ninja has begun.

Which Would You Rather Fight?

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A robot?

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Or a zombie?

Be sure to explain your answer.

Don Knotts: Memories of Bumbling

One of my favorite comedic actors from childhood has passed away, and it's put me into a very somber mood. Don Knotts died this weekend at the age of 81, and there's not much more to say about that part of it.

I'm not going to attempt to write an obituary, or to sum up his career in the appropriate alloted time. I'm not that type of writer. I consider myself to be a comedic writer, and so the best way I can think of to pay my respects to Don would be to focus on how he was able to make me laugh.

-The Andy Griffith Show (1960-68)

We've all seen this show, at least once. This black and white 60's show about a perfect town where nobody swears, sins, or has group sex capivated audiences for years, with one of the best known characters being the bumbling deputy Barney Fife, played by Don Knotts. This show helped Don achieve fame, and it is probably his most well-known role. I'm sure he'll be remembered most from here.

-The Incredible Mr. Limpet (1964)

You might not have seen this movie, but I did and I loved it. It's a movie about a guy who turns into a fish and works for the Navy to help out submarines. Not just a fish, mind you...a cartoon fish. He was the first overly patriotic cartoon fish working for the Navy ever, and that's saying something.

-The Ghost and Mr. Chicken (1966)

One of my favorites. I used to watch this movie all of the time...it was scary and funny and even a little bit sexy. In my opinion, this was one of Don Knotts' best performances. Every scene cracked me up, and I can remember the movie like I just watched it yesterday. It's a movie about a nice quiet town with a dark past: A haunted house where a murder occured. Don Knotts (Mr. Chicken) is a wannabe journalist who is desperate to make his big break. He's so desperate, in fact, that he takes a dare to spend one night in the haunted house and report back to his editor. He takes the job and wackiness ensues. Nobody has ever made me laugh so hard from being so scared. Classic stuff, this movie. Check it out sometime.

-The Shakiest Gun in the West (1968)

Another movie you might not have seen...Don plays a dentist heading west to help "fight oral ignorance". Along the way, he meets up with a gun-weilding bad girl on a mission from the government to stop a bunch of....you know, nevermind. The plot isn't imporant. Just know that Don Knotts is funny, and he's the best dentist-turned-gunfighter around. Another great movie that makes me smile to think of.

-The Apple Dumpling Gang (1975)

Ok, if you haven't seen this movie, there is no comedic hope for you. I grew up watching this movie at least once per week for 27 years. Ok, maybe not that long...but a long time. I loved this movie, and I loved the characters that Don Knotts and Tim Conway played. This comedic duo of belly laughing fun played Amos and Theodore...a couple of would-be thieves with enough brains each to fill a tablespoon. Every single plan they attempted failed miserably, and yet they kept trying. Watching them together made for great entertainment and chuckles galore. Sers'ly, go see this movie. If you don't laugh at least once I'll pay you a dollar.

Ok, that's not true. I don't have any money. But it's still a funny movie and you should see it.

-Herbie Goes to Monte Carlo (1977)

We all know the Herbie movies...we all watched them. This one wasn't the best one I've ever seen, but it was a good one nonetheless. Don plays the (you guessed it) bumbling mechanic for Herbie and hilarity ensued. The movie was ok...but Don was funny as always.

-The Private Eyes (1978)

Ah, the year of my birth. This movie is another one that I bet you've never seen or even heard of. That's a damn shame, really. This movie teamed up Don with Tim Conway yet again. This time they are a pair of incompetent and funny Private Detectives working a case of murder in a rich, scary mansion setting. There's lots of hilarious and sometimes scary moments to keep you entertained. I personally loved this movie and watched it often...so often, I still remember certain scenes and quotes from it. Bow down, bitches.

-Three's Company (1979)

Ah, who can forget the television show that proved that a man can live with two sexy women and not have any group bunny. I didn't think this was possible, but apparantly nobody was having sex in the late 70's. I'm sorry, but if I lived with 2 hot girls there is no way that I wouldn't get a little sandwhich action going within the first month of living there...let alone 7 friggin' years.

But I digress. Don Knotts jumped back into television with his role as Mr. Furley, the landlord with swinger spunk who popped in and made things funny whenever he could. He was WAY better than that other couple who used to play the landlords...way better. Don't you agree? Yes you do. Now go bake me muffins.

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Well, that's it. That's my little "Ode to Don Knotts" rememberance post. As you can see, I was a big fan and I'm quite upset that he has passed on and left us. But, just thinking about all of these movies has put a smile on my face...and I'm sure that's what he would have preferred.

We'll miss you, Don. Keep up with the funny wherever you are.

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Don Knotts 1924-2006

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See some CNN video clips of Don Knotts here

Blah

I am very ho-hum today. I don't feel like working (which is good, since I don't have much work to do, anyway) and I don't feel like surfing the web. I don't feel like playing chess and I don't want to read my book. Even Omi is sitting the corner, playing with a pile of dust.

It's a very boring day here.

It's one of those days, when I keep looking at the clock hoping it's almost time for lunch only to find that it's only 9:00 in the...oh fuck it's only 9:00 in the morning?!?! Crappy crappy shit crap dammit!!!!! I thought it was later than that.

Shit.

Well, that just proves my point further. This day blows. If I didn't have so many effing meetings this afternoon, I'd leave at lunch. Instead, I'm forced to sit here in this cubicle hell with nothing to keep me occupied except my belief that someday, I'll be doing a job that doesn't require me to invent little plastic ninja pals to keep my sanity.

No offense, Omi. You know you're my dawg.

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I do have fun news, though. I got a new car this week. Wednesday, actually. I'm very excited about it...it's my 2nd brand-new car ever and it rocks.

I went with the new 2006 Civic sedan, and so far I'm very much excited about my desicion. The car is tons of fun to drive...like Omi on crack, or something. It just has so much pickup and energy, it's wild. Like a little silver stallion running from the glue factory. Quick like the wind.

Check out that interior display glow! A purple haze of new car delight. It's very sexy. I wanted to have sex with it last night, but thought better of it at the last minute. Barely.

Even the steering wheel is swanky, sexy, futuristic fun for the whole family.

Check out that ass. My milkshake is better than yours...

Look at that...just inviting you in. Like a sexy temptress of Babylon adding flowers to her bed. Makes you want to slide in and have fun, doesn't it? Yeah, you know you want it. You know you do.

So that's my new car. I'm having a hard time coming up with a name for it, though. At this point, I'm not even sure if my car is a girl auto or a boy auto. My last car was a boy. He was a black 2003 Civic LX named Dante. He was good to me, and I miss him. I think this new car is a girl, but I can't be sure yet.

Do you think this is a girl car or a boy car? Any good name suggestions?

Anyway. Post lots of comments today because I'm bored and need something to do. Happy Friday, and don't warn the tadpoles.

Office Supply Wednesday!!!

O.S.W.


I'm sure you haven't forgotten Omi, my little office supply ninja. He's kept himself busy this past week, defending my office supplies and fighting evil.



Normally, Omi prefers to keep himself hidden so he may strike his foes at will. Sometimes he just likes to play games. See if you can spot him in this picture:



Sometimes, Omi chooses more advanced modes of concealment. Like all ninja, Omi has the ability to blend into his environment, like the chameleon. This allows him the opportunity to destroy enemies with stealth.



Hiding doesn't always benefit Omi. In certain cases, battle is necessary. I've managed to document such an occasion, in which our hero was forced to do have a wu dai ninja showdown with a pair of nasty spiders. In the end, Omi walked away with a new pair of silk pajamas and 16 walking sticks.



After a long day's work, Omi must rest. I tried to give him a comfy pillow, but he refused. He insisted that a true warrior must live a Spartan existence. He ended up choosing the post-it pad. Be careful not to call him cute to his face...he might ninja-kick you. In the face.



Omi understands the benefit of having fun, and so he takes time out to enjoy himself. He's recently taken to enjoying my new iPod.



Happy OSW! Until next week, keep your erasers and pencils protected.

Random Stuff

Doggie Go Bye-Bye!!

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Thanks to Pizzle

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Sexy Shanshu: According to this quiz, Shanshu is an adj. that means "sexually stunning". Bow down, bitches! Shanshu is in the sexy house!

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Gratuituous Gratitude: This morning on the elevator, a woman stepped off, I stayed on. As she left she turned to me, smiled, and said "thank you!" and then she walked off. I stood there, stunned and confused. The look on my face must have been priceless. I'm still confused by it. What the heck was that about?

Confusing Comments: For some reason, my blog comments are doing strange things. I replied to a comment, and somehow it posted before the comment I was replying to. WTF?!

Tuesday Funny: Ok, you have to have sound to get the full humor of this site. I'm not sure why I find this so funny, but I do.

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People We Should Destroy

1. Hands-Free Cell Phone Users Who Are Not in the Car: Are these people effing kidding me? Do they really think they are so cool, that they constantly need both hands to gesture while they gab away on their mobile brain cancer inducing telecommunications devices? Please. Everybody I see using one of these, is usually doing something that does not require the use of both limbs. For instance...sitting outside smoking, walking down the hallway, even sitting on their couch. Yes, I've seen somebody do this. Their phone rang, and they picked up their cute little hands-free device, and then they put it into their ear, and then they answered the phone. These people truly blow me away with their laziness.
2. One-Floor Elevator Riders: Seriously, these people annoy me beyond the telling of it. They make me want to punch things until the rage goes away, and that is not just colorful imaging I'm using. These bastards that get onto the elevator at the first floor, only to exit on the second floor...oh dear Lord they should be destroyed. With fire. Twice. I hate them more than hands-free cell phone users who aren't in the car. I know that some people have some legitimate reasons for riding the elevator for only one floor: bad knees, back pain, missing toes. Those people are ok...but the rest of the people are just fat, lazy bastards with no self-confidence and a lack of courtesy. I have to ride the elevator because I'm on the top floor of my building...these punks who are on the 2nd floor have NO right to ever step foot into my elevator unless they are dragging a gimp leg behind themselves. They reek of lame.
3. Oblivious Office Talkers: Somebody please kick a fork into my head. These people annoy me so much, I've debated what it would be like to burn my ears off so I don't have to listen to them anymore. They seem to have no idea that the people around them hate their stupid guts with a fiery passion that consumes all. They walk into your office and start (without segue way of any kind) to ramble on about whatever pops into thier stupid brains at that exact moment in time. It doesn't matter if you're on the phone, typing up a spreadsheet, or performing open-heart surgery. These bastards who think you like them will come bother you whenever they feel like it to let you know that they spent the weekend building a new entertainment center. I actually had a guy here at my office come into my cubicle, see that I was on the phone, and ask "Are you going to be long?". Since it was a personal call and was not important, I got off the phone and turned to my colleague to see what the situation was. The idiot then proceeded to tell me about the new computer he was thinking of buying later that week. I almost choked him, I swear on everything holy, I did.
4. Slow Drivers: I can't say enough bad things about these people. They suck.
5. People Who Think the Harry Potter Books Are Evil: So lame, they limp. I hate these people. They have nothing better to do all day, than to point fingers at everything that doesn't revolve around the church and label it as Satanist propaganda. Like JK Rowling is a demon straight from hell, sent to earth to lead us astray, or something? Please. This is just stupid. Apparently, if a book isn't about Jesus or people who believe in Jesus, it's an evil piece of literature that should be destroyed in the fire from whence it came. Excuse me while I go flog myself. I bet these idiots don't drink Mountain Dew because the word 'demon' can be spelled using the letters: Mountain Dew.
6. The Guy Who Empties my Trash: Ok, I'm not sure if he deserves to be destroyed or not, but whenever he comes in to empty my trash he always moves my trash can to a place far away from where it was, before. I have to put it back to its proper place everyday, and it bugs me.
7. People Who Are afraid of Catching The Gay From Brokeback Mountain: Just go see the movie, you freak. It's not going to make you a homosexual, I promise. Only watching Oprah does that. Ask Pizzle.
8. Spammers: All spammers must die, and I know that you all agree with me. Let's grab some pitchforks, brandish some torches, and head to their houses. No court would convict us...unless the judge is a 1-floor elevator rider. Then we're screwed.

Office Supply Wednesday and Orange Ninjas

Happy OSW!

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I would like to take this opportunity to introduce you to my new office-mate. His name is Omi, and he's my special buddy. He has lightning quick reflexes and a desire to do good. He's kind and gentle, and only attacks when he needs to. I've decided to let him rule over my cubicle, in order to keep the other office supplies in line, and of course to stop the invading Dust Armies of Scourge. As long as Omi has got my back, nothing can harm me while I'm sleeping at work.

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Omi wields the all-powerful Nano-Shurikens of Doom, the dreaded slayers of Dust!

Omi maintains lookout over his domain with constant vigilance.

Omi is a master of all office supplies, and can use them with ease.

Like all ninja, Omi prefers to lurk in the shadows where he can become neigh invisible. See if you can spot him in this picture:

Too late! Omi has already snuck up on you.

I Heart Fermented Hops

So...I forgot to tell my faithful yet fewer readers about the fact that I would be going out of town for a brief amount of time. I have been gone since last Thursday, and today is my first day back in the real world. Sorry about the lack of love. I'll make it up to you with tales of...stuff.

I was at the 2006 International Mead Festival that's held in Boulder, CO every year. It's a chance for people like me to take a few days off work to enjoy the mountains and fresh air while sipping tasty meads that push me into a honey-wine induced stupor which tends to last for hours. It's also the time when lots of dirty hippies and freaks show up to pretend like they're cool for the weekend.

Seriously...the freaks were out in force. I even think they had decoder rings to help recognize each other, in case the flowing capes and goth makeup didn't give it away.

Now, I'm all for people being themselves, and doing what makes them happy. We've all got quirks and we're all nerds at heart, in some way or another. I do draw the line, however, at things that lean towards the crazy.

Example: Telling anybody within earshot about the spell you put on yourself earlier which allows you to drink without guilt.

Example: Taking turns drinking your friend's blood in a wannabe vampire way outside the tasting room for all to see.

Example: Wearing anything felt.

Just a few examples of the freaks, and why they bugged me this weekend. They didn't ruin my good time, or anything. I just knew they were there, and it annoyed me. Like that bug bite you have on the back of your leg. You don't want to pay attention to it, because then you'd have to scratch at it, and it will just get more annoying later on. It's better to just ignore it, and hope it goes away on it's own.

Anyhoo. Here's a quick list of things I learned this weekend:

• Polish mead is so good, it should be illegal.
• Living in a dry state sucks. I can't have any of the mead I sampled shipped to me, so what's the point?
• You can't ferment hops, no matter how hard you try.
• Breathing in the smell of a room full of fresh pepermint is almost like getting stoned.
• Drinking blood is the next logical step, after drinking mead.
• Boneless Buffallo wings are good for breakfast when you're in a pinch.
• Orange ninjas are just as cool as black ones.
• No matter how the conversation began, you can always conclude it with a phrase relating to butt sex and have it make sense.
• I can eat Elk without getting sick.
• It rains in Seattle.
• Felt is the new cotton.
• Having a margaritta after a day of mead tasting leads to the wacky, but it still won't help get you butt sex.

The Department of Redundancy Department

From CNN: The British man whose American wife and baby were found shot to death last month in Massachusetts has been arrested in England and charged with murder, officials say. Neil Entwistle is charged with two counts of murder, one count of illegal possession of a firearm and one count of illegal possession of ammunition, says Melissa Sherman of the Middlesex district attorney's office. Autopsy results showed the mother died of a gunshot wound to the head and the baby died of a gunshot to the stomach.

Ok, now I know that England is notorious for doing things by the book; it's what they're famous for. They won't let you wipe unless you've filled out the proper forms. When I was traveling around Europe, England was one of the few places I visited whose Passport Office actually questioned me to be sure I wasn't a terrorist. They are sticklers for the rules, and I think that's peachy.

However...sometimes I think they take things too far. For instance, take Mr. Soon-to-be-living-the-rest-of-his-short-ass-life-in-agonizing-pain-murderer (alleged) up there in the article snippet I attached. He's charged with the horrible crime of killing his wife and his baby. It's horrible, it's awful. Double Murder charge...pretty intense. Then you have the other charges of illegal possession of a firearm and illegal possession of ammunition.

Now, I'm no lawyer...but I think the double murder charge has a bit more bite to it...so I would think you would tend to focus on that, instead of the "you shouldn't be carrying a gun" rule. I mean, seriously. Do you think this guy gives two shits about the weapons charge? He's charged with murdering his wife and small baby...who gives a fuck about the fact he had an illegal gun?

That's like charging a man suspected of burning down an orphanage with illegal carrying of matches.

The whole thing just seems a tad redundant to me. You've already charged him with a double murder... which most likely will lead to a death penalty, or something. The weapons charge is just silly, at that point.

British Officer: Right, then. You've been sentanced to death for the murder of your loving wife and small child. Death proceedings shall commence at the top of the hour.
Neil Entwistle: Yes, I understand. I'm ready to face my judgement.
British Officer: Quite right, yes. Good chap! Now, will you be so kind as to sign this?
Neil Entwistle: What is this, then?
British Officer: Ah, it's nothing. Just a triffle, really. But this is the weapons charge you had. You have to sign it so we can sentance you accordingly.
Neil Entwistle: Sentance me? To what?
British Officer: That would be 30 days in jail.
Neil Entwistle: But...but you're going to kill me in one hour! How am I going to serve the other sentance?
British Officer: Oh, yes. Well...you see, we've decided the best way to handle this, is to keep your body in your cell after you're dead. Then you can serve your 30 day sentance and be on your way.
Neil Entwistle: But I'll be dead!
British Officer: Yes, well you had that coming to you , didn't you? Sign here.

Cumpleanos Post

Ok, so I'm missing an accent mark over the N in my title. Well, that's because Blogger doesn't care about Spanish people.

Sigh.

Anyway, I thought I'd post some of the commercials from the Super Bowl that I thought were funny. There are more than this, of course...and these aren't even all of my favorites...but these were the only ones I could find online, suprisingly enough. I'm sure the rest are out there, but I'm not going to take the time to look for them. Check them out, if you haven't seen them, or want to laugh a second time.

This one for Godaddy.com didn't make it to the SuperBowl, since the stupid Nazi censors this year decided it was "too racy". Whatever.

Hope you enjoy the commercials a second time. I think my favorite is the FedEx one...but the more I see the Emerald Nuts ad, the more I like it. I dunno...I'm torn.

Today is my birthday. I rule. Send me presents, or at the very least some boobie pics to my email. Check my profile for the addy. Oh, and you'd better give me props in the comments section, bitches. Today is my day.

I just noticed that I have over 20,000 hits to my blog. Weird. I guess I don't entirely suck ass through a tube...maybe I should do a dance.

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I did a dance.

I guess most of you found the drunk post to be lacking in the entertainment department. Well, that's ok. I can't promise that I won't get drunk again someday...but I can promise that I won't blog while drunk. I don't want to get arrested for a BUI or anything.

Ok that was the lamest joke I've ever made in my entire effing life. Somebody please publicly rebuke me. Cripes.

I'm going away now.

Drunk Post!

Hello! WElcome to SHanshus drunk post. I'm not goin gto edit this post, or spell check, or even re-tupe things I mess up spelling because I'm not sober. I'm going to give you Shanshu uncensored...not that I ever censor myself, but nonethelss I'm going to give you waht you want.

Not that you wanted a drunk post. But you have no choice. YOu're reading this anyway so I win.

So...hi. How are you? I hope you're doing well. It's really hard to type when you're drunk, I've noticed. I keep going back and re-reading studff and realize that wow I need to use spellcheck. My fingers feel too fat for this lame keyboard.

It really is small. It's the keyboard Dell sent me, and it's lame. It sucks beyond word.s Small keys and small everything. I feel like Andre the giant trying to do needlepoint. It's bad. Like...Arnold Schwartzeneggereeresr playing a dramatic role bad. I need a new one. Thankfully, my birthdya is coming up in a few days so maybe I'll get lucky and get a new one.

Maybe,

I like pretzles.

I got a haircut today and I look really sexy. Jen said so, so it must be true. Too bad there are no girls over here tonight because it's a group-bunny type of situation, waiting to happen.

Group bunny is fun. That's a euoophanism for sex. With other people. In the same room. SEx is cool.

I miss Hulk Hogan. Why isn't he wrestling anymore? I remember the days when he wrestled the Iron Sheik and whipped his ass for all the trailers and young kids to see. That was back when the USA hated all the people with non-Christian views. Of couse, things haven't changed much but at least now we don't come out openly and say it.

Politics sucks. Religious persecution sucks. Oprah sucks. Pizzle watches Oprah...but he doesn't suck. I think he does it to get chicks. Chicks like Drunk Girl or HMH. I might see HMH next year when I travel to Europe again. I miss Europe. It's pretty there, even though the sun NEVER comes out.

Lame.

Ok I'm going ot go do something elshe now. I hope you're all doing well and I hope you enjoyed my drunk post. Just be glad you're not an ex-girlfriend, because I would probably be drunk-dialing you right now, if you were.

Hugs and kisses,
Shanshu

Best Headlines from 2005

This was sent to me in an email forward. I'm not sure if these are actual headlines from newspapers across the country in 2005, but if they are....they are hilarious! If not, they are still funny. I added some personal insights...

Best Headlines From 2005:

Crack Found on Governer's Daughter

*snigger*

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Duh...

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Seems a bit extreme to me.

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Too easy. I'm not commenting on this one.

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Now, that is work dedication.

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Lazy bastards!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Well, if all else fails...

War Dims Hope for Peace

Isn't that the whole point?

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.

*gasp*

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Really? That's as lame as water leads to wet.

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

That seems like a stretch to me.

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Doesn't seem very safe to me.

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

Puns are nobody's friend.

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

At least he's man enough to own up to his bodily functions.

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

I wonder what the penalty for skipping class is?

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Those are some tall doctors.

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

I bet they're all dead.

Why People Kill Other People:

Because they fucking deserve it.

-The End














You want more elaboration, do you? I can expand on this topic, if you wish. Before I begin, I will need you to do something to facilitate the story-telling process. I will need you to close your eyes for a moment, and picture yourself in morning gridlock traffic from hell. You know, lots of cars and honking and people cutting you off. Lots of mufflers ejaculating their dirty, unwanted exhaust all over your hood in a very degrading yet constant manner. Lots of braking and accelerating, and braking and accelerating, over and over again in a repetitive vicious circle of perpetual torment that makes your head feel like it’s going to explode.

Go ahead, picture it. Take your time. I’ve already written this, so you’re not keeping me waiting, or anything. Sers’ly, whenever you're ready.

… … …

Done? Ok, good. Now we can move on to the telling of my little story. This morning on the way to work was not much different than any other day. There were lots of cars and lots of traffic and lots of waiting around for my turn to drive. There were plenty of stoplights that seemed to wait at least 2 minutes longer to change to green, when I was waiting for them. There were also lots of slow drivers who were radio-dispatched to my location by some omnipotent traffic demigod whom I seem to have insulted at some point in my short but generously fulfilled group-bunny sex life. There were curses and there was fist-shaking, and most people seemed to have a “all for nobody and one for me” philosophy attached to their driving procedure.

It was a normal high-traffic morning.

One thing caught my attention, however. The minivan mom in front of me, who had no kids in the car but drove slow enough to convince you that she might be transporting precious breakables, started to slow down on a major road for apparently no reason whatsoever.

Blood begins to warm.

She then braked completely in the middle of the road, to a dead stop. I slammed on my breaks and frantically began looking around for the wayward child you must have run haphazardly into the street to cause such a random stop in traffic…but to no avail. There was no child, dog, cat, baby, old person, bowling ball, or chicken present anywhere near us. It seemed that the minivan mom had stopped for her own reasons.

Blood begins to steam and agitate.

While I recovered from my near rear-end collision with the crazy braking woman of pain in front of me, I saw her start to wave her hand. Was she waving at me? Was there something on my face? Was she using some sort of code to tell me that she was sorry for ruining my morning commute? What? What was she doing? And then I saw it.

She was waving in the cars waiting on the side street, so they could merge in front of her and join the rest of us in our quest to journey to work.

Blood begins to boil.

Sonofabitch. This evil demon woman regurgitated from the depths of Hades stopped the flow of traffic on a congested, busy street in order to let in other cars who were waiting for their turn on a side street, for no reason. I felt my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as I grinded my teeth and tried with all of my heart to refrain myself from jumping out of the car and pounding on her window in an effort to battle the evil that must have been present within. The cars behind me were honking and shaking their fists, and I began to feel their hatred, which I knew had the power to destroy the weak who were foolish enough to try and combat it.

Then, after she let in 3 waiting cars, she took her clawed foot off of the brake, and began once more to drive forward. The cars behind me stopped honking, and I slowly proceeded forward as I tried to calm myself with deep breaths and calming thoughts:

Maybe she was just being nice; doing her good deed for the day. Maybe she knew what it was like to wait in line like that, on a side street during morning rush-hour. She’s affected by this, the same as the rest of us.

Blood begins to cool down.

She now has to wait longer to get to work, like I do…and those people got a chance to travel. It’s ok, enhance your calm. Enhance your calm…we’re all in this, together. Just breathe and enhance…WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE DOING NOW?!

I shook my head in disbelief at what was unfolding in front of me. This woman had stopped traffic for about 30 seconds while she let in not one, not two…but three cars into her lane. She had endangered the lives of the cars behind her, and she had royally pissed me off. Now she had the balls to turn off the road and head for the highway a mere 5 seconds after she let all of those cars in.

Blood begins to rapidly boil again!

I couldn’t believe it. After all of that? After the waiting and the merging and the waving cars in, she simply changed lanes and merged onto the highway, leaving the rest of us to deal with the congestion and extra cars that she had created in her wake. She was a hurricane of destruction and pain; she was the anti-Christ of motor vehicles. She was a demon. Evil is real, kids.

And THAT is why people kill other people: Because they fucking deserve it.

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy OSW!

This is what I do to amuse myself while I'm at work, on the slow days. Or the days when I don't feel like working, much. Or the days when I'm bored. Or anytime throughout the course of the week, in which I find myself unable to concentrate on spreadsheets and databases and other lame work-related things.

Yes, it's a book. No, there's not porn in it.