Monday, March 06, 2006

...and the winner is: a big fat chainsaw to your head!

Let's get this out in the open, right now. I don't want there to be any confusion on this matter, nor do I wish for anybody to walk away from their computer without knowing my belief in regards to one of the things in this world that actually causes me pain, from all of the rage that builds up within my body when I think about it. I fucking hate award shows.

Last night, I'm sure a great many of you turned your attentions towards The Oscars with hopes of wardrobe malfunctions and the wackiness that ensues when uber important mega-rich movie gods honor us with their presence for a few hours while they take the opportunity to pat each other on the backs and remind us of how cool they are. I'm sure there were some great non-improvised cheesy one-liners and a whole plethora of "shouts out to God" in-between the skits and musical numbers that helped draw attention away from the recently washed-up actor in the second hour of his drug-induced coma. I'm sure it was peachy.

It's just...not my thing. And that is the nicest way I can put that, without offending the whole damn world.

Award shows bug the ever-loving shit out of me, and that is no joke. At one point while flipping channels last night, I accidentally caught about 10 seconds of the announcer saying something movie related during the Oscars, and it actually made my liver scrunch up and die. I have to go downtown to the black market and pick a new one up, this afternoon. Ohhh that reminds me, I also need some paperclips...

Anyhoo, since I hate award shows more than I hate being kicked in the nuts by a pissed off donkey, I spent most of last night watching Dog The Bounty Hunter reruns while my girlfriend licked my nipples and moaned like a porn star. I tried to get her to invite another girl over for some anti-awards show group bunny protest sex...but alas, we couldn't find anybody who wasn't watching the damn Oscars.

Unlike my victory over Reality TV, I know with this one I'm fighting a losing battle...I know that most people enjoy watching award shows, and there is no end in sight to the madness. I know that people anxiously awaiting to hear who the pre-determined winner for Best Actor or Best Film are numerous, and cannot be stopped. I know that for whatever reason, award shows entertain most of you...and I respect that.

I just fucking hate them. I hate the Oscars, worst of all. The arrogance and pretentiousness of the whole thing makes my butt itch. I'm actually thankful that I haven't heard people talking about The Oscars yet, here at work. I think that might actually push me over the edge.

I hate award shows, and I hate the hype that surrounds them, and I hate the news articles and summations you find online about them the next day. I hate the whole fucking process, and everything that it entails.

Oh, by the way...who won for best actor?


Maccafreak said...

I LOVE the Academy Awards. I print the ballots out and play along. I would take a trip just to be a seat filler at the Oscars.

Oh...Philip Seymour Hoffman...Best Actor

Jen said...

I SOOOO feel you. Which is probably why I was licking your nipples last night instead of watching them.

Actors loving actors. Barf.

Kay said...

I'm sorry. I was late to work today and even then have already discussed the Oscars with 3 or 4 different people.
Jennifer Garner tripped once, but that was the only thing that really happened.
One day Shanshu, I'll get my little Oscar, and you'd better be watching, cuz in my boring 30 minute thank-you speach that no one cares about, cuz no one knows who the hell you're thanking, I'm so mentioning you. And if you miss it, I'll come kick you in the head.

Anyways, it was great. Except my Keira Knightley didn't win. I wasn't expecting her to, but I'm sure her speech wouldn't have been as lame as Reece's.

DaMasta said...

I celebrated the Oscars by NOT watching them and instead watching Walk the Line. While getting stoned. That was a great fuggin movie, too! JP should have won best actor.


Look... it's my Joaquin Pheonix emoticon.

Shanshu said...

maccafreak: thanks for telling me who won...although I was attempting to make a funny. I guess it bombed.

jen: thanks for the nipple licking.

kay: if you win, I swear I'll watch with eager anticipation. And I'll give you +10 group bunny points.

damasta: ROFL at your Joaquin emoticon! holy crap.

Think Frustrated said...

Damasta, did you know Joaquin Phoenix was in "Parenthood." He was Gary, the kid who, as Keanu Reeves put it, "Slapped his salami," then trashed his dad's dentist office. He went by Leaf then.

I liked Walk The Line. I should try it stoned, too, to see the subtle differences.

Shanshu said...

think frustrated: I actually knew that! He was the dirty porn kid. Classic.

Keanu was funny in that movie, too. "My dad used to wake me up by flinging lit cigarettes at my head."

hee hee

Maccafreak said...

I caught the "making a funny". I was just playing into it. Guess that didn't work either.

Pizzle said...

I honestly just watch that stuff for work. They're uber-boring to me.

DaMasta said...


Look! I'm french kissing JP. w00t.

Shanshu said...

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire comes out today on DVD.

Now, if you want to talk about a movie that should have won some awards....

(assuming it didn't..I wouldn't know, since I didn't watch the motherfucking Oscars)

damasta: you crack me up! w00t for the JP kisses!

Kay said...

Actually I think it did get an award. Shit. Now I have to go look.

Kay said...

Nope. I was wrong. It was nominated in Achievement in Art Direction, but lost out to Memoirs of a Geisha. Which was a pretty good film.
Anyways, sorry.

Shanshu said...

kay: See? That's what I'm talking about...everybody I know, went to go see Harry Potter and everybody loved it.

Yet it wins nothing.

Lame. Lame, Lame, Lame.

So lame it limps in space.

Think Frustrated said... what did you end up naming your car...or is that a separate post all together?

Shanshu said...

Sadly, I have not yet named my car. I thought for a while that I at least new the sex (girl) but lately I'm even questioning that.

Sometimes it feels like a boy car, and other times it feels like a girl car.

I'm torn. No hope in sight.

Maccafreak said...

Maybe your car is gay and that's why you're having a hard time with it.

Shanshu said...

I don't think my car is gay. It's not confused about its sexuality...I am. The fault lies with me, and me alone.

Shanshu said...

And I meant to say that I am confused by my car's sexuality...not my own.

I know where my D lands on the sexuality spectrum...right on your boobs.

Spinning Girl said...


I do like watching the Oscars, though I didn't see a single one of those movies. I also won the $Oscar Pool$ at work because I guessed the most correct winners.

Yes, we have no life.