Bas Rutten Street Self Defense

This guy fucking scares me.

He also makes me laugh.

It's pretty twisted.

I'm not sure why...he just cracks me up, in general. Of course...if he's reading this post he might think I'm laughing AT him. No...no, HELL no. I'm laughing WITH you, sir. Please don't punch me in the spleen.

Enjoy.

Fucking Monday

I hate Mondays.

I think most people hate Mondays. Garfield* hated Mondays, and he was a fat cartoon cat...so that means Mondays totally suck balls, if a cartoon hates it. Because cartoons are smarter than humans, and cats doubly so.

Today's Monday is especially nasty for me, for two reasons:

1. I only got 3 hours of sleep

2. I'm sick

Now, you might be asking yourselves "Shanshu, why the hell are you at work today? It's Monday, and you're sick! Plus, you must be tired!"

Well, I'll tell you.

Friday I called in to work and told them I wasn't coming in. Something about my grandmother being in an accident and having her spleen injured or some such shit...I was lying. I didn't feel like going in to work and doing nothing and being bored and it was such a nice day out, I totally played hooky.

It was awesome.

I went and saw the early showing of 300, which is the best movie I've seen in a long, long time. I'll probably go see it again, too. It was that good. If you haven't seen it yet, you're totally missing out.

I also went shopping on Friday. I spent $132 on a new pair of jeans and 2 tee shirts. I felt faint afterwards, but my friends have assured me that this is "grown up" shopping and in no way insane. If you had told me a year ago that I would spend $80 on a pair of fucking jeans I would have told you to blow off, fashion whore! No way would I do that.

I totally did that.

They are the most comfortable, good looking jeans I've ever had. I might name them, and keep them in a special drawer, or something. Maybe "Mr. Pantastico".

Later that night, I had some friends over and we played the Nintendo Wii. That was so much fun, I think I might have to go buy one now. Sers'ly. After the Wii fest, we went to bars and got drunk and got hit on and it was fun.

So Friday was fun. I loved it.

Then last night, I start feeling sick. Oh, shit. Oh, shit shit SHIT! No, not sick!

Yep, totally sick. This sucks on many levels. First of all, I was sick like...a month ago. This is totally bullshit that I'm sick again! I told the universe so, last night. It didn't care. I'm still fucking sick.

So I can't use a sick day today because I already used one on FRIDAY for my little hooky-sick grandmother-adventure day and if I burn another day away, my boss will get irritated and suspicious.

So here I sit. It sucks. Please show me pity.

*Totally random blog: I was searching for a picture of Garfield, and I ran across THIS blog. How appropriate is that?

Sweep the Leg

Best. Video. Ever.

I'm a child of the 80's, and I'm totally proud of that fact. The movies, music, and clothing styles that surfaced in the 80's were totally radical and might even be considered bossanova. We loved our slap bracelets and jelly shoes and poofy hair, and we loved wearing neon colors with spandex and leg warmers. It was just too cool for school.

One of my favorite movies as a kid growing up was The Karate Kid.

Duh. We all loved that movie. Anybody who says they didn't like the Karate Kid is either a communist, or lying. The movie rocked. It was the poster child for 80's cinema and we all loved it.

Guess what? Somebody made a video about The Karate Kid!!!! I shit you not.

The group is called No More Kings and the video is called "Sweep the Leg".

I love this video. You'll notice that the main "star" of the video who plays "Johnny" from the movie is ACTUALLY the actor who played Johnny Lawrence in the movie. His name is William Zabka, and he starred in a few films other than The Karate Kid movies.




Go ahead. Click the IMDB link. You know you want to.

Apparantly, William Zabka wrote and directed this video, which makes it even cooler, in my opinion. There are other guest appearances by former cast members of the movie, in this video. Keep a look out for:

Rob Garrison "Tommy" "Yeah, Johnny! Get him a body bag! Yeah!"
Martin Kove “Sensei John Kreese” "Sweep the leg. You have a problem with that?"

And at the end, the man himself: Ralph Macchio “Daniel LaRusso”

Here is the video. Check it out. Enjoy. Just don't go tight-roll your jeans when you're done.



Cobra Kai never dies!

I am a Comment Whore

I'm not sure why, but I look forward to reading comments posted on my blog. It's like they give me meaning, or something. With each comment I receive, a little part of my soul begins to flutter anew with feelings of joy and anticipation. It is as if each comment brings forth a piece of popularity and acknowledgement that only comes from knowing that people really like you.


Fucking lame, I know.


I can't help it, though. I love to get comments because they give me warm fuzzies. I know that it doesn't make me any more cool or increase my blogger popularity...well, maybe a little bit. If I never got a single comment I'm sure that would place me in the front of the blogger bus and that would suck because then the blogger bus driver would talk to me and the other blogger kids would start to make fun of me because I would be "in love with the blogger bus driver".


That's when the blogger depression starts, and it's a dark place to go to.


*shudder*


I need comments. I thrive on them. I constantly find myself checking my blog for new comments so I can read them and feel special. Some of that stems from me being bored at work on a semi-daily basis...but some of it stems from my desire to be liked.

Kinda like this scene from The Big Hit :



Melvin: I can't stand the thought of anyone not liking me, okay! There, I said it! The thought of either one of those girls not liking me is more than I can stand, okay?
Cisco: Melvin, pal...the hundred or so people you've murdered over the past five years probably have relatives that don't think too highly of you.


Granted, I haven't killed anybody lately so this isn't exactly a window into my life...but you get the idea. I want to be liked and wanted and thought about. I want to leave my mark and I want people to miss me when I am gone. I want to be loved, dammit!


I had a puppy once. He didn't love me. He ran away the first chance he got. I'm hoping to get a comment from him someday telling me he's sorry. Or at least telling me how he's doing.


He's probably dead, though. Little runaway fucker.


Anyhoo. I like comments. Today I'm in a comment mood, so I'm going to be a comment whore. That's right, I'm going to post something now that I hope motivates you to post a comment and give me those warm fuzzies I am longing for.


TELL ME A SECRET


I want to know secrets. I am in a mood today where I want to learn more about people. Your secret can be anything...sex, work, breaking the law, drugs, sex, fights, drama, cheating, sex, your top score on Tetris...whatever. Just make it interesting.


I'll start, since it's my game.


My secret: I was offered a threesome recently and I'm not sure how to bring this up in conversation with my girlfriend.


Shhhh. Don't tell anybody. It's a secret!


Now, post YOUR secrets in the comments section!!! Don't be shy...nobody knows who you are, anyway. Or if they do, post something they already know about so you don't feel so open and naked.


Secrets are fun! Join the fun! Post your secret!

Angelina Jolie is Building an Adopted Army!!

Angelina Jolie has recently filed the papers necessary to adopt yet another little orphan child. Where did she file them? In Vietnam, of course!

Apparently, the scores of orphan children in the United States do not interest her royal boobness, for she has chosen once again to steal some random child from some random orphanage from a place as far away from her own home as possible.


Read the story here.


Do I have a problem with adoption?
No.

Do I have a problem with adoption from foreign countries?
No.

Do I have a problem with pretentious, morally ambiguous celebrities getting media attention by trying to solve the worlds' problems (while ignoring the problems in their own backyard) while attempting to make themselves appear as generous and saintly as Mother Teresa?
Yes.






I just don't get it. Who the hell does she think she is? When did Angelina become such a wannabe angel? Did she just wake up one day and say, "I'm tired of getting divorced and screwing other women’s husbands and drinking blood and getting random tattoos in languages I can't read...I should start adopting babies from third world countries. Later on, I'll have a salad...with blood on it."

See, I'm torn here. Part of me is glad that there will be one less child who grows up a hard life, digging for food out of a dumpster in some dirty alley in the middle of Ho Chi Minh City. But then the other part of me is filled with rage about the fact that some flighty, holier-than-thou, mock-scholar wannabe, dirty slut has the right to just start snatching up babies whenever the whim hits her.

Hey, Angelina? There are orphans here in the US, who need help too. Maybe every 3rd baby you adopt should be local. Give it a try, spice things up. See where the wind takes your soul, or whatever.




It gives me a mad-on.

I think the main problem, is that I've known girls like Angelina my whole life. Oh, yes I have. They think they are SO in tune with the world around them, that they and ONLY they, have the power and the clarity of soul to be able to truly view the universe as it is meant to be, and fix it. They are the same ones who claim to see tragedy all around them, and a desire to help...while ignoring the fact that psychologically speaking, they are easier to read than a non-Cambodian tattoo.

"Maybe, since I had a strange childhood and I'm not in touch with who I am as a person, and since I have daddy issues and a so far unanalyzed need to whore, I should attempt to fill the void in my heart with other things that will make me feel like a better person, while I ignore the true issues that plague my spirit and cause me madness. Perhaps, if I were to stop doing all these attention-grabbing things, I could start to really see myself, and make changes. I could learn to view the world better and...ah, screw it. I'll just get a new tattoo and adopt a baby. Then I'll love me again."

Piffle.

Besides my personal opinion on the matter, I'm sure many people feel that Angelina Jolie is a great humanitarian and a world leader and a joy to all helpless little orphan babies everywhere.

But you haven't heard my theory yet.

See, I think Angelina is tired of Hollywood and all of its bullshit. She's ready to implement her long thought-out plan for world domination and universal control of all creatures. With her magnificent boobage leading the way, she will strike fear into the hearts of the wicked and humble down the righteous in an ever-changing purifying fire that will cleanse the land and make way for her new race of super babes.


How will she do this? Simple: start an international army of orphan babies!





It's true. Angelina Jolie has secretly begun to raise an army, and soon she will unleash her hordes onto the unsuspecting populace. She already has three, and soon she will have one more. Her internationally plentiful cornucopia of orphan babies is on the rise, and it's almost dinner time.

• She has a Cambodian orphan.
• She has an Ethiopian orphan.
• Soon she will have a new model Vietnamese orphan.

Those are the child ingredients needed to make "Apocalypse Soup", according to the book of magic sitting on my desk. Or, I'm reading too much into my TPS report. Either way, it's an omen, I'm guessing. A baby-gathering omen of doom.


Look at the facts! Check out the map:





The red dots and circles indicate where her sphere of influence already stretches. Her little orphan babies will soon adopt more orphan babies from still more countries, until eventually she will own half the world.

Then it's world domination time. Trust me, I've played Risk before...I know how it goes. She's already got footholds started. Once she takes Australia, it's all downhill.

Oh, you watch. I'm totally right on this one.


Heed my warnings! See the signs! Make ready your cattle and tend to your flock! Armageddon is almost upon us!





Goddamn...she is friggin' hot, though. Cripes.

CLAPTER: Word Sin or Genius?

I’ve always thought that certain words are lame, like the word lighted. I think the word lit makes much more sense, and it sounds better off the tongue. I don’t think I could ever say “Today I walked into the lighted corridor searching for the door to the bathroom”. I just think that sounds stupid. I think it sounds much more accurate to say “Today I walked down the lit corridor searching for the door to the bathroom”…don’t you?

Maybe not, but I do...and this is my blog…so nah.

Sometimes I even make up words, without knowing it. It’s like my brain understands all the rules and decides what would sound better in a given situation. It just creates a word, and then fires it along the neurons and pathways until it reaches my ever so gentle lips and spews it forth like it was lit from within me.

I once told a friend that he should listen to the sounds the crowd was making at a sporting event. I think the conversation went something like this:

Me: Do you hear that? Hear the beat?
PJ: What beat? You mean the crowd?
Me: Yeah, the crowd. They’re clapping. Hear that?
PJ: Yes. What of it?
Me: Listen to the rhythm. The clapter of the crowd has a rhythm to it. Weird.
PJ: Whoa, whoa…what?
Me: What?
PJ: Did…did you just say “clapter”?
Me: Yes?
PJ: What the hell is clapter?
Me: You know…the clapter…of the crowd. The sound it makes when you slap your hands together.
PJ: You mean “clapping”.
Me: No, clapter. It’s totally a word.
PJ: Um…no it’s not.
Me: Um…yes it is.
PJ: …
Me: When you hear somebody laughing, you say “I hear laughter.” It’s like the noun form of the word “laughing”. Same thing with clapping…clapter is a noun derivation.
PJ: Dude, it is *so* not a word.
Me: Whatever, yes it is!
PJ: Do you want me to get a fucking dictionary?
Me: Fine! Prove me right, bitch!

(PJ gets a dictionary)

PJ: Show me clapter.
Me: Ok.

(me searching dictionary)

Me: … Huh. I’ll be damned, it’s not in here.
PJ: HA! Fucking told you so!
Me: Are you sure this dictionary is current?
PJ: What? Shut up. Clapter isn’t a word. Deal with it.
Me: Crap.


Ever since that event, I have done my best to convince people I’m right. I think the word totally makes sense. If you can say “laughter” why can’t you say “clapter” ? It makes no sense to me, that you can’t use that word.

Clapter should be a fucking word. I even have the definition as it should be printed in the dictionary:

Clapter (‘klap-t&r)
Function: Noun
Etymology: New English, from clapping derivation. No Old English roots.
1: a sound of or as if of clapping
1a: a sound of or as if of clapping, pl.
2: to show approval through the use of slapping one’s hands together

See that shit? It totally works.

I think clapter makes sense as a word. I think that it’s a conspiracy that it isn’t. Who makes up these rules, anyway? Who decided that it was ok to say “lighted” or “lit” interchangeably, but that “clapter” is a word sin?

Fuck that. Clapter should be a word.

I will bring as many people to my way of thinking as I can, and someday…you watch…it will be in the damn dictionary. PJ told me he's told this story before, and the results have been about 50/50 so far. That means that half of the people he's told this to are on my side.

Our numbers grow!


CLAPTER FOR LIFE!

Random Monday Wacky!

Random News Article: I just found this article title funny. I didn't even read it.

Random Soft Porn: A Japanese girl with large assets playing in the local creek...or something.

Random Thought: "If you were to tattoo a vampire with a cross, would it constantly burn?"

Random Item on my Desk: A 3 fluid oz. bottle of Jergens Ultra Healing lotion.

Random Fact About Pickles: Cucumber pickling is almost universally done through a brine fermentation process. Ripe cucumbers are selected, washed and salted thoroughly, and then added to a brine solution for a number of weeks. Vinegar, sugar and spices can be added to the process, depending on the technique used.

Random Memory From Childhood: When I was a child living in Texas, it snowed one day. This was such a rare thing, and I was very excited. I went outside to build a snowman like I had always seen on TV or in the movies. Since the snow didn't really accumulate too much, my snowman was a sort of a half-snow, half-dirt concoction. On top of that, the temperature rose too high that day and so he started to melt about halfway through the process, and began to lean towards the left. Finally, as if the universe were trying to teach me a lesson, a neighborhood dog came running up and tackled my poor snowman...then he peed on it...then he stole my mother's scarf and ran away.

Random Thing Overheard at the Supermarket: "Do we have any sugar at home? Yes, we do, remember? Because we used some on your penis yesterday."

Random Song Stuck in My Head: "The Gift" by Seether

Jedi After-School Special

I had to share this video. Please watch...it could save a young Jedi's life.



Thank you.

The Universe Thinks We Are Crazy

The universe is laughing at us.

Why? Because we are stupid. We are stupid, insecure, frightened monkeys with too much free time and not enough outlets for sexual tension and aggressive behavior. We constantly find new ways to torture ourselves because we are bored, and we come up with different ways to torture each other on a daily basis. Our favorite way to make life difficult for one another is the law.

We love to manipulate the law to our own liking. Anything that can remotely offend a person is illegal…or it’s going to be illegal…or it’s on its way to being illegal right now.

In fact, saying the word “obberpunkz” is probably illegal. I bet the police are coming to get me right now, so I’d better type fast.

Things have gotten so bad in this country in regards to laws and rules and litigious behavior, that people are afraid to take any action in any situation, for fear of doing something wrong. Why should I help that old lady cross the street? She might charge me with assault or something. See that burning building? There’s people inside burning to death. We should call the fire department and not do anything else to help because we might be charged with “invading a scene of danger” or criminal trespassing.

I joke. You laugh…but I’m not too far off the mark.

There are so many rules and so many different ways to manipulate a given situation, that is almost impossible to know with any degree of certainty what is acceptable, and what is not. If you had asked me yesterday if throwing a cup of ice (a paper cup, mind you) at a person would land me in jail for 2 years…I would tell you to go fuck yourself. There is no way that would happen.

How wrong I was.

Woman Sentanced to Two Years For Ice "Missle"

How can a person be sentenced to 2 years in a federal prison for tossing a cup of ice into somebody else’s car? That is a kind of crazy I didn’t know was possible in this world. It sounds like something out of a Nazi training manual.

“Nein! You vill not throw ze ice cup anymore! 2 years in ze prison camp. Schnell!”

Still don't see the crazy? So tell me this. When did this country become so afraid of its own shadow, that doing something such as attempting to help a rape victim is grounds for prison time?

Man Arrested After Mistaking Porn for Rape

Our laws have lost all common sense, and have become out of control.

Did you know, that if a man breaks into your house and tries to stab your children while they sleep…and you catch him in the act and break his arm…he can sue you? Did you also know that he actually has a good chance of winning said lawsuit? Is that justice? I call it insanity on an epic scale. When I hear stuff like that, I try to wake up from the nightmare that is called “real life” because it sucks.

God, the universe, and everything are looking at us and saying, “What a bunch of fucking retards down there. Seriously, check this out. Hey, Pluto! Quit pouting about that plant demotion crap, and get over here! Look at what these morons are doing now! Bring a camera.”

We have got to be the laughing stock of the cosmos, and deservedly so.

Use your common sense. Follow your heart. See the world for the crazy that it is.

*So* Sick of Britney Spears and Her Shit

Britney Spears has checked into rehab.

Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

Britney Spears has checked into a clinic, and I have officially decided that these are the end days. You know why? Because it seems like all I see on the news lately are celebrities being stupid, or dying, or showing their love pudding, or shaving their heads, or doing one of a hundred other stupid, attention-seeking activities that are sure to land them on the front page of any trashy celebrity magazine or even the respectable news reporting agencies.

I mean, seriously. Who really gives a shit about Britney Spears anymore? I don’t…that’s obvious. But how many of you actually care that she is checking herself into a rehabilitation “clinic”?

I used quotation marks to illustrate the point that I don’t believe Ms. Spears is in a real medical clinic to treat addictive disorders such as alcoholism. It’s probably more like a health spa complete with a recording studio and a Swedish guy who rubs her girlie parts while she forgets to raise her child for a few weeks. I’m sure she’s *so* upset at her recent behavior and she’s seeking help, even as we speak.

If you honestly believe that, please come to my house later so I can show you a 6 inch elephant with a 3 foot penis.

Remember when Britney was young and cute and popular?

I totally do. I remember the first time Britney was popular. She was in that hot little outfit and she was singing…some kind of song, I don’t remember because I was too busy trying to figure out if she was old enough to have dirty thoughts about while I masturbated to her video on MTV.

Then she was hot for awhile, in that sexy cute, innocent bend-me-over-my-homework kind of way, but then things changed, and she grew up and got trashier and then tried the whole “I’m a sex goddess” thing like Madonna did…except at least Madonna had the decency to show her boobs.

Then came the period where we forgot about her. It was a good time, filled with joy. I’m pretty sure during this time, we cured several diseases and reached farther into the universe to learn more about the cosmos and ourselves and then oh my God Britney Spears is driving with her baby in the front seat.

Crap. She’s back.

Then came the publicity again. Then the news articles on CNN abashing her behavior, while at the same time hoping for more so they had something new to report and hopefully draw in “the young crowd”.

Then she got drunk. Then she partied. Then she stopped raising her baby. Then she showed her cooter. Then she shaved her head. Now she’s in rehab.

Yawn. Groan. Hack. Puke.

I’m so fucking sick of this crap. If I were to get drunk and shave my head and put my baby at risk and get drunk again and show my dick to the world and then say “can I check into rehab so we can forget all that bad shit I did?” the police would laugh at me all the way to the jail, and there would be nobody to bail me out because my friends would all hate me for being such a moron.

Yet somehow, Britney and others like her get away with whatever they want to because the American public is insane.

Super.

Can’t wait to see what she does next. Oh, and did I mention how much I don’t care about her shit anymore? I don’t think I can stress that enough.

I’m so sick of her shit. I hope she rots in that “clinic” and we all forget her.

***UPDATE***

What a surprise...Britney didn't even last a full day. Shocker!

.

.

Click here for article

Amazon.Com Sends a Reply

Thanks for writing to us at Amazon.com!

We apologize for any frustration you've experienced. It is certainly
not our intention for our customer to have anything but a pleasant
experience at Amazon.com.

If an item is listed as "Usually ships in 4 to 6 weeks," that means
it usually takes up to that long to package the item and prepare it
for shipment. Occasionally, it can take longer. The delivery time
is not the same as the availability estimate.

To calculate the total delivery time, add this availability estimate
to the transit time for the shipping method you choose:

(Availability) + (Shipping Time) = Total Delivery Time

As you may know, we have several fulfillment centers across the U.S.,
and the items in your order may sometimes be in stock at different
locations. When you place your order, we estimate your ship date
based on the proximity of inventory to the delivery address you
provide, as well as how quickly we can obtain and assemble items for
shipment.

The estimated date of shipment will be displayed on the order form at
the time you place your order.

Also, please note that for most shipping methods, items that are
ordered on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday may not ship out until the
following Monday.

If you have further questions, please visit our online Help pages:
http://www.amazon.com/help

Thank you for shopping at Amazon.com. We look forward to fulfilling
your order.

Please note: this e-mail was sent from an address that cannot accept
incoming e-mail.

To contact us about an unrelated issue, please visit the Help
section of our web site.

Best regards,
Yohan
Amazon.com Customer Service

Gee thanks, you fuckers. You bascially told me I'm screwed, but did it in a semi-business like manner. Awesome. And thanks for telling me that there is literally nothing you can do about how long YOU take to ship out an item. Makes me feel all warm inside. They might as well have said, "PS: You are never going to get this item, so please stop trying."

Well screw you, Amazon.com! I didn't want the fucking calendar, anyway.

My Email to Amazon.Com

Dear Amazon.com,

This is the third time I have attempted to purchase this order for the 2007 Far Side Desk Calendar: The Secret Lives of Animals, and it is subsequently the third time I have cancelled the order. Every time I try to order this item (which I have been trying to do for some time now) the expected shipping date is up to 60 days away!!!!

I have never had something take so long to ship before, and I am curious to know why this is? I love using Amazon but if this shipping problem is a new trend, I'll have to do my online shopping somewhere else, I'm afraid. 2 months wait for a DESK CALENDAR is ridiculous.

I just wanted to call this to attention. I know nobody cares, and I doubt anybody will even read this. But I wanted to do it, for my own peace of mind. I've tried to buy this desk calendar in stores but have had no luck. And now, I can't even buy it online because the wait is so long it'll be 2008 before I get it, which doesn't help me.

I know I'm probably screwed, and that is fine, I guess. I'll just have to go to Office Depot and get some lame schedule planner calendar with no funny pictures or anything to keep my interest. Just a dull planner with nothing but sadness and boredom to offer me.

Anyway, just thought you folks at Amazon.com would be interested to know that I am having drama, and there is no calendar at my desk, and I sit in this cubicle with no joy in my life.

Thanks for your time.


PS: Shanshu is in a blog tournament! I think this idea is cool and the fact that I am even a part of it gets me all hot and bothered in my nethers.

So...be sure to check it out over at Ookami Snow's place and see what you think. And if you feel like leaving a "Shanshu should win his first pairing" comment...that would be ok, too.

:)

*So* Sick of Hearing About Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith passed away.

That sucks.

She died under bizarre circumstances.

Not really.

But maybe she was over medicated?

Maybe. Why does it matter?

It's a tragedy! It's unfair!

Yes, that's what death always is. Deal with it. Why do you care so much, anyway?

Because...because she's a celebrity and because her life was cool and because she died!

You're a sheep. Baaaaah!



Seriously, why is this getting so much media attention? The way people are going on and on about this, you would think this was a huge conspiracy, or something that affected the world economy or a viral pandemic that threatened our way of life...something monumental and important.

Why do people care so much about celebrities? I mean, seriously...why the fuck do they get so much attention, no matter what they do? They can be a horrible person who has the mental capacity of a grapefruit, and people swoon over their every pathetic step. People care about what they eat, where they live, what they wear, who they date, when they go to the bathroom, what they wear to the beach...OMG get a fucking life!

I myself could give two shits about celebrities. I don't care who they are divorcing or which rehabilitation clinic they have checked in to, or who is the father of their babies...I don't care. I see them all as pretentious, self-involved losers who spend too much time patting themselves on the back in an effort to feel more self-involved and special in their own little bizarro world. I don't care about their views on religion, or politics, or social problems. I don't think they have any special knowledge or views on the world that are any better than anybody else's.

I do not believe a celebrity can vote better than me. They do not have an inherent wisdom in regards to poverty, disease, or economics. They do not affect world events or political decisions or global conflicts. They are not helping to further the human race.

They are born. They live. They die. Just like me. They are not fucking special.

Anna Nicole Smith bugged me, anyway. She was a stripper who met a rich rich RICH man who fell into her bullshit and made her a rich rich RICH stripper. She was a Playboy model, which is cool, but she wasn't anything more than that, to me. She did a couple of AWFUL movies that made my hair hurt, and then she got fat...then skinny...then drugged up...then clean...then she died.

What a great career she had, too. Hollywood was her true calling, I think. Here is a video clip of the "outtakes" from her movie Skyscraper. It's probably the worst movie ever, and her being naked a lot doesn't save it. Check out her "acting" below:

Did you ever watch her reality show? She was an annoying, mentally fucked up, big breasted lady who couldn't tell you the capital of Texas (it's Austin, by the way) even though she lived there. She was annoying and she was trashy and everytime she talked, she made us all want to punch babies.

Her "show" got horrible ratings and we all made fun of her and most of us hated her and then she dies and all of the sudden it's a horrible, awful thing and we're all so sad about it and talking about how much we miss her.

Puke.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not happy that Anna Nicole Smith died. It's never fun to hear about someone dying young, especially suddenly. It's shocking and it's upsetting and it sucks. But it doesn't deserve all this attention, either.

Everyday I visit CNN and everyday I see something about Anna Nicole Smith on there. Autopsy results, legal battles, custody disputes...and now judges ordering embalming procedures.

Now...I'm not a doctor, or a mortician. But I'm pretty sure that you don’t need a JUDGE to order your body to be embalmed after you die. In fact, I'm pretty sure a judge isn't involved with ANYTHING relating to your death, unless you are murdered or something. Why the fuck is a judge taking a personal interest in this death?

Because it's Anna Nicole Smith, and she's a celebrity, and blah blah blah.

I understand the custody battle aspect of this whole case, I really do. There's money to be had, and family members who want it, and lovers who want a piece of the pie. But keeping her body on ice all this time is We Todd Did and it's disgusting and it's bullshit.

I'm so sick of hearing about it, to be honest. She's dead and it sucks, but seriously...stop talking about it. I don't think it's news worthy of front-page status, and I certainly don't think it's more important or world-affecting as say....other news.

Kansas vs. Evolution

Finally! No more insanity.

Kansas Brings Evolution Back to Schools

For many moons now, living in Kansas has been annoying only in the sense that so many people found it frustrating that the state decided to outlaw teaching evolution in classrooms, as it was just a "theory" and had no place in a place of learning. So no Big Bang, no humans evolved from the primordial ooze...nada.

Of course, many of us saw the benefit of teaching BOTH theories on the creation of the universe, and said so. Kansas Board of Education said NO, and the people of Kansas have gotten shit ever since.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think stuff like the clip above are friggin hilarious and I'm glad that residents of Kansas such as myself were able to tell the world that we didn't vote for this crap. I mean, religion and science have always been at war, and most of those battles have been fought within the walls of our classrooms. But to suddenly not allow one or the other will always cause problems and create anger and blah blah blah. You get the idea.

So anyway, without being preachy or without trying to start a debate, I can say I am very happy with Kansas' decision to bring back Evolution in schools. Hatred and repression only causes more problems, and we have to all learn to get along.

Now we just need to figure out a way to keep teachers from fucking our students.

Exploratory Committees and Why They Suck

Speaking of nothing whatsoever, and having no segue way into this of any kind, I was thinking about how completely lame the term “Presidential Exploratory Committee” is. I mean, what the fuck does that phrase have to do with running for President? Seriously…it makes no damn sense. Examine the words:

Presidential: Having to do with, or relating to the Presidency and/or decisions related to said position.

Exploratory: (adj.) Having to do with the act of exploration. To discover new things. To investigate, study, or analyze.

Committee: A group of people who consider, investigate, take action on, or report on a situation or decision.

So, when a person says they have made the decision to form a Presidential Exploratory Committee, are they trying to say that they have formed a group of people to investigate or study the current President? Or are they trying to say that they have formed a group of people to explore or study the act of making presidential decisions or actions? It’s possible that they are saying that they are currently heading up a committee to examine and explore the potential idea for a Presidential campaign to be run sometime in the near future, and that their committee will most likely end up coming to the conclusion that their candidate is the best person qualified for said presidential position.

Or perhaps they are just so full of shit they make up phrases, and want to sound more important than they really are. I bet THAT is the real reason.

Fucking lame.

The best part is, this shows me how full of shit EVERY SINGLE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE is, since they all started doing this at the same time. I may be wrong, but I don't recall anybody heading up an "exploratory committee" the last time we voted for a President. That tells me, that one person started doing it recently and then they ALL started doing it, for fear of being outdone or left behind. Like they are so special or smart for using bullshit phrases and expressions to make themselves seem more important, or something?

Double fucking lame.

Now if you excuse me, I have to form a solitary task force whose mission statement revolves around the intended uses of indoor plumbing with the use of porcelain receptacles.


PS: It's my birthday today. Oh, whatever. Don't pretend to give a shit. I'm well aware that a person's birthday is of very little importance to very many people other than the person actually celebrating their birth. For the rest of us, saying "Happy Birthday" has become nothing more than a automatic response, like saying "God bless you" when somebody sneezes.

Superbowl Snack Day

So here I sit, the day after the Superbowl Snack Day in my corporate cubicle hell waiting for the trans-fat coma to subside so I can move my legs again. I know that the Superbowl is similar to Thanksgiving except with nothing but fatty, cholesterol saturated, heart-attack inducing foods rather than turkey and stuffing. People go crazy with the junk food on Superbowl Sunday, and I see nothing wrong with that. Traditions should be maintained and past events should be commemorated…but my dear God in heaven, I’m pretty sure I had a mini-heart attack last night with all the crap I shoveled into my mouth in an effort to avoid nutrition at all costs.

Bean dip, spin dip, nachos, bratwurst, beer, Rotel dip, black pepper jack chips…there was a plethora of hip-jiggling food concoctions in my apartment last night to make all of us in attendance feel as fat and lazy and certain girls who injure themselves while trying to do simple tasks. At one point, I found myself debating whether or not to get up off the couch in order to refill my plate full of artery-clogging devices, or remain seated and try to save my dignity by eating a carrot instead.

I decided the best thing to do would be to get up off the couch and have some exercise in order to burn off the calories I was about to ingest from eating more bean dip.

Holy shit. Holy, holy, holy shit. We ate too much crap last night. I should probably eat nothing but lettuce with a side order of air tonight for dinner, but I’m sure I won’t do that because I’m stupid and apparently I hate my heart this weekend.

The wurst part of this whole thing, is that I have leftovers in the fridge. Nobody who came by last night and pigged out with me took any food home with them. They left it all to me and my will power.

Fuckers.

I thought about bringing the bags of chips and dips and hip-cancer foods here to the office so I could spread the fat around to my bitchy office-mates and co-workers. But then I realized that would require me to pack up a sack full of crap and bring it to work and serve it. That’s like…work. Screw that. Plus, I figure there are so many fatties here in cubicle hell, that odds are they would devour said food and be grateful for the chance to stuff their faces without feeling judged. They would have looks of ecstatic joy on their faces with each cheese-filled salty bite.

Well, I can’t stomach the idea of those bitches being happy. So I’ll keep my junk food at home in the dark, where it belongs.

On the plus side, I know that when I’m at the gym tonight running my ass off in an effort to quell the bulging protrusions of skin that is sure to accompany a day of snacking, I’ll feel better knowing that I was able to participate in the Superbowl Snacking Day without serious injury or any long-term effects.

Oh, and since many other people are doing this...I am going to copy them. Here are my favorite Superbowl Commercials, in no particular order:

Blog Surfing

I like to surf.

No, I’m not referring to the subtle science and exact art that is gliding on water while standing precariously on a wooden board coated in wax while fighting off fish that bite. I refer simply to the act of quickly changing visual stimuli in rapid succession with no immediate goal in mind. An example of this is channel surfing. I enjoy to lazily sit on the couch while clicking through the channels in an effort to find something to watch to occupy my time. Trouble is, sometimes I find that I am having more fun simply watching the random images that flash by on the screen, than I do when watching an entire program.

So sometimes I find myself mindlessly channel surfing, while somehow keeping my mind focused enough to actually determine what is going on in each brief television flash. It’s almost as if my brain can press together the seconds I spend staring at the channel and come up with a conclusion about what we are seeing. So it almost feels like I’m watching 65 stations at the same time. Good brain workout, I think. Or maybe it’s making me stupid. Either way, I think it’s fun every now and then.

I do this with other forms of stimuli, other than the television. Today, I did this with other blogs. Yep, Blog Surfing. I bet you didn't see that coming, did you? Unless you read the title, of course. You know that button at the top right of your Blogger page that says “Next Blog”? Well sometimes I click on that button and check out the blogs that pop up. I never spend time actually reading them for very long...I just glimpse at them quickly to get an idea about them, and see if my subconscious brain is able to determine if it is a blog I would enjoy on a regular basis. Most of the time, my brain just makes shit up.

Here are today’s results, in order:

http://reflectionofhim.blogspot.com/
This blog seems to be a religious blog. At first glance, it seemed like a cult website or something. I didn’t read further (because that would defeat the purpose of blog-surfing) to see if it was a legit blog or a freaky cult one, so for now I’m sticking with my cult idea because it is more fun. Besides, it doesn’t matter anyway.
For shame, cultists! Don’t drink the punch! It’s laced with rat poison! No enlightenment through body mortification for you! Read a book.

http://efze.blogspot.com/
This seems to just be a blog about pictures. I scanned through them briefly. Seemed very dark and morbid and sad, to me. Then I noticed that the words weren’t in English. My God! It’s some sort of crazy alien blog! They take pictures of random buildings and nature in order to study our…habits of…..er…having feelings…towards…parks. Yeah, maybe it’s just a guy who takes a lot of pictures.

http://eemvds.blogspot.com/
Wow. This person talks a LOT. They must like to talk as much as they like the letter V. The posts are Very long and haVe a nice ramble feel to them. I hate the black background because it makes me feel like I’m being sucked into some sort of blog abyss with no escape. At least the posts are very long and that is good. Vroom.

http://southernfenwayfan.blogspot.com/
Ew, a sports blog. These things bore the ever-loving shit out of me. I won't knock them, but at the same time I’m not sure what they ever have to offer that ESPN or Sports Illustrated wouldn’t have. And no pictures. Blah. I’d rather read about cults again.

http://ovcccast.blogspot.com/
Oh, my lord. It’s a blog with nothing but links to somebody else’s articles. So this is like…a blog article routing station. Actually I noticed that all of the links are supposed to be mp3’s but I haven’t heard crap, even after I clicked on a link. Then I noticed a link called “Scraping the Paint Off Jesus” and I stopped to chuckle. I’m not even going to try and figure out what that means. It’s funnier when I don’t.

http://draco703.blogspot.com/
Sweet, a Spanish blog! Lucky for me I speak Spanish. It’s not very interesting even after you translate it, though. I like the dragon. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Me llamo draco de muerte!

http://www.evangelical-catholicism.com/
Ok, seriously. What the fuck is going on? Why are there so many damn religious blogs out there? This is 3 so far, today. Unless the Spanish one was religious, too. Then it’s FOUR. I guess many people with faith now like to share that faith with the rest of the universe. Yay me. Totally fucks up my blog-surfing chi.


This is when I stopped blog-surfing. One of these days I’m hoping to come across a porn blog or something really interesting like that, to keep my attention for more than five seconds. Until then, I guess it’s nothing more than religious sites and baseball statistics. W00t.

Lazy People Have Feelings Too

While we travel through life, we are sometimes blessed with the opportunity to stumble across something so interesting and comedic that we are forced to share it with the rest of the world. It doesn’t have to be hilarious, or even be funny enough to make you lol* but it is funny enough to make you giggle and wish that other people were there with you when it happened, so you could share in your new private joke.

Something like that happened to me recently.

It wasn’t a life-changing event, or even something funny enough to remember for much longer…but it was pretty damn funny at the time. I promised her I wouldn’t tell this story, but the need to share this is too powerful for me to ignore any longer. Sorry, hon…but the truth must be told.

The other day, I returned home from the gym and began drinking my Gatorade with a thirst-quenching desire that only a full cardio afternoon can invoke in a person. During this electrolyte replenishment chug-a-thon, I noticed Jen walking into the room with a slight limp in her step. She smiled and asked me how the gym was, and I told her it was fine and went back to my drink. After she limped further into the room, my curiosity got the better of me and I asked her why she was walking strange. She turned to me, and with a note of drama and sadness in her voice, informed me that she had injured her back…while getting up off the couch…to get some food.

I laughed and did that thing with my drink. You know, that thing where you pretend to choke on your drink because it adds a little bit of comedic timing and scene to the situation? I did that. Then I did a double-take and looked at her and was like “you hurt your back getting up off the couch? Oh my god you are so lazy!” and had a good laugh about it.

Here I was, returning from the gym and bettering myself in an effort to be more healthy and meanwhile, my girlfriend hurts her back while groaning herself off of the comfortable couch in order to get more food to stuff into her face. I found the situation hilarious and told her so.

Lucky for me, she didn’t get mad at me laughing at her. I think it was because she knows she isn’t out of shape, or fat, or lazy…but damn if that situation didn’t reek of “fat lazy person tries to get off couch but injuries occur” that you hear about in tabloids or self-improvement videos.

It still makes me chuckle. I’m not sure how funny she’s going to find the situation, now that I’ve shared with all 6 of my readers…but hey, my public demands entertainment.



*I’ve recently heard that some people in this world actually exist with the belief that “lol” stands for “lots of love”. If you are one of these people, please do me a favor and slap yourself across the face for not fully understanding and appreciating techy-talk.

From the Ashes...

That's right...Shanshu is back again for more tales of group bunny, rants about idiots, and general humor and entertainment for the numerous blog-surfers who can find no rest or inner peace without constantly checking their favorite sites for updates!!!

I know it's been a long time since I've been around...too long, actually. But that's ok. I don't really think you will hold it against me. For starters, I'm not even sure how many people will even come check my site, since I've been gone for so long it's probable at least one of you has died in the interim...sorry about that, by the way. What's infinity like?

I wish I had a good explanation for you. You know...a tale of woe and despair that begins with a quest or decision and leads into a struggle for dominance and victory while adding in a romantic aspect and finally reaching a monumental and cathartic climax with a decrescendo of conclusions and a lesson learned?

Something like that would be nice...but I don't have one of those.

The best I can do, is say that while my life has had ups and downs and turns and interesting moments involving carpet glue and vodka, for the most part things have been boring and not really worth talking about in any great detail during my introduction post.

That's what this is, by the way. The introduction post into my new blog and the Phoenix-style rebirth that has occurred.

Since this is my first post from my sabbatical, I'm going to avoid getting into my usual rants or comedic posts involving group sex or Chinese take-out food and instead simply say that I am back, and I hope to blog more in the near future.

You may now take this opportunity to comment on my triumphant return and tell me how much you missed me, or how pissed you are at me...or just to say hello.

A Lost Cause

Shanshu's Dust-Slaying Will Be Temporarily Closed Until Further Notice

...

...

"This is not the end. This is not the beginning of the end. This is the end of the beginning."