Friday, March 02, 2007

Angelina Jolie is Building an Adopted Army!!


Angelina Jolie has recently filed the papers necessary to adopt yet another little orphan child. Where did she file them? In Vietnam, of course!

Apparently, the scores of orphan children in the United States do not interest her royal boobness, for she has chosen once again to steal some random child from some random orphanage from a place as far away from her own home as possible.


Read the story here.


Do I have a problem with adoption?
No.

Do I have a problem with adoption from foreign countries?
No.

Do I have a problem with pretentious, morally ambiguous celebrities getting media attention by trying to solve the worlds' problems (while ignoring the problems in their own backyard) while attempting to make themselves appear as generous and saintly as Mother Teresa?
Yes.






I just don't get it. Who the hell does she think she is? When did Angelina become such a wannabe angel? Did she just wake up one day and say, "I'm tired of getting divorced and screwing other women’s husbands and drinking blood and getting random tattoos in languages I can't read...I should start adopting babies from third world countries. Later on, I'll have a salad...with blood on it."

See, I'm torn here. Part of me is glad that there will be one less child who grows up a hard life, digging for food out of a dumpster in some dirty alley in the middle of Ho Chi Minh City. But then the other part of me is filled with rage about the fact that some flighty, holier-than-thou, mock-scholar wannabe, dirty slut has the right to just start snatching up babies whenever the whim hits her.

Hey, Angelina? There are orphans here in the US, who need help too. Maybe every 3rd baby you adopt should be local. Give it a try, spice things up. See where the wind takes your soul, or whatever.




It gives me a mad-on.

I think the main problem, is that I've known girls like Angelina my whole life. Oh, yes I have. They think they are SO in tune with the world around them, that they and ONLY they, have the power and the clarity of soul to be able to truly view the universe as it is meant to be, and fix it. They are the same ones who claim to see tragedy all around them, and a desire to help...while ignoring the fact that psychologically speaking, they are easier to read than a non-Cambodian tattoo.

"Maybe, since I had a strange childhood and I'm not in touch with who I am as a person, and since I have daddy issues and a so far unanalyzed need to whore, I should attempt to fill the void in my heart with other things that will make me feel like a better person, while I ignore the true issues that plague my spirit and cause me madness. Perhaps, if I were to stop doing all these attention-grabbing things, I could start to really see myself, and make changes. I could learn to view the world better and...ah, screw it. I'll just get a new tattoo and adopt a baby. Then I'll love me again."

Piffle.

Besides my personal opinion on the matter, I'm sure many people feel that Angelina Jolie is a great humanitarian and a world leader and a joy to all helpless little orphan babies everywhere.

But you haven't heard my theory yet.

See, I think Angelina is tired of Hollywood and all of its bullshit. She's ready to implement her long thought-out plan for world domination and universal control of all creatures. With her magnificent boobage leading the way, she will strike fear into the hearts of the wicked and humble down the righteous in an ever-changing purifying fire that will cleanse the land and make way for her new race of super babes.


How will she do this? Simple: start an international army of orphan babies!





It's true. Angelina Jolie has secretly begun to raise an army, and soon she will unleash her hordes onto the unsuspecting populace. She already has three, and soon she will have one more. Her internationally plentiful cornucopia of orphan babies is on the rise, and it's almost dinner time.


  • She has a Cambodian orphan.
  • She has an Ethiopian orphan.
  • Soon she will have a new model Vietnamese orphan.

Those are the child ingredients needed to make "Apocalypse Soup", according to the book of magic sitting on my desk. Or, I'm reading too much into my TPS report. Either way, it's an omen, I'm guessing. A baby-gathering omen of doom.


Look at the facts! Check out the map:





The red dots and circles indicate where her sphere of influence already stretches. Her little orphan babies will soon adopt more orphan babies from still more countries, until eventually she will own half the world.

Then it's world domination time. Trust me, I've played Risk before...I know how it goes. She's already got footholds started. Once she takes Australia, it's all downhill.

Oh, you watch. I'm totally right on this one.


Heed my warnings! See the signs! Make ready your cattle and tend to your flock! Armageddon is almost upon us!





Goddamn...she is friggin' hot, though. Cripes.

11 comments:

P said...

So, uh...is a "mad-on" like a pissed off hardon?

Shanshu said...

Yes. It's like...a really hard, out of control anger (rather than penis).

Callie said...

She can start her world domination at my house.

Just sayin . . .

Anamika Anyone said...

Its like she wants to be Mother Theresa, without all the sacrifice and leprosy.Pretentious and yes, annoying.
Its funny, I didn't mind Jolie before, but ever since she's with Pitt, I find a hundred things wrong with her. I really like Jennifer Aniston too..

Steven Novak said...

I can't be too mad at someone with tits like that.

I'm sorry...I just can't. ;)

Steve~

Arlene said...

She is HOT AS HELL!! No denying that!!!

But the other issue that always comes to mind for me, is that she's not raising these kids, a nanny is! All these "stars" adopt these kids, or have them, and then drop them off with the nanny so they can continue their "star" lives, uninterrupted by little things like raising a child!!

Shanshu said...

callie: I wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating cookies.

anamika: I totally hear you. I miss Jennifer too.

steven: word. to the HELL YEAH.

arlene: Good point! I should have mentioned that. Totally true, too. Totally.

Penny said...

I'd play nanny for her... can I play with her while I'm at it?

I don't have an issue with her adopting a bazillion kids. Apparently she's a fairly hands-on parent and I'm just happy there will be one more loved child in the world.

I don't care why she's doing it, really, as long as the kids are well cared for, well loved and well brought up.

Show me one person that says they're having a child for unselfish reasons and I'll show you a lair. We all want kids for our own reasons. Whatever they may be.

(and yeah, goddamn she's hot). Callie - if she comes to your house to...er..dominate, count me IN!!

Kay said...

Just a little factoid: It takes much much longer to adopt a baby in the US. Plus the mother has to pick you. And if you've already got one kid, your chances of getting another significantly decrease.

That said, I think you might be on to something there. But I think Pitt is in on it too, since he's adopted all her kids.

And what would you kick her out of bed for? I can't think of anything that I'd kick her out for... Anything.

Spinning Girl said...

she is a freak show.

Ookami Snow said...

You better watch out, now that you are on to her she may send hitbabys to take you out.