Thar' She Blows!

Sometimes vacations can be difficult. You are in a new place, with strange surroundings, and your favorite blanket is back at home along with your bunky. You find it hard to get comfortable because everything is new and strange. Sometimes, this can even affect your appetite, and digestion. For instance, take my friend Veronica*. One summer, when we were all down on our annual summer beach vacation, our cute little Veronica was having a hard time doing her business. You know…she couldn’t take the kids to the pool? She was havin a tough time havin a shite? Pick your favorite slang term for this event.

At first, we found this to be slightly funny. I mean, all BM jokes aside…not being able to complete the transaction to the porcelain bank is a wee bit humorous, in certain situations. As the days passed on however, and Veronica was still unable to export her used goods, we began to worry. She kept eating and drinking like the rest of us…but nothing would ever come back out. It was like her stomach was a bottomless pit; a black hole from which no food could escape. This began to cause some alarm.

One day, Frank* came to the rescue, with his little purple pill. No, not the FUN kind of purple pill…the other one. The one that causes things to…um…evacuate themselves from your body? Yeah, one of THOSE pills. Anyway, Frank gave said pill to Veronica, in the hopes that it would help cure her of her recent discomfort.

That same day, the rest of the crew decided to go down to the beach and do some surfing, sun, and fun. Frank and myself stayed behind at the house to wait for the repairman who was due to come fix our stupid fridge, which had decided to stop working. As the group headed down do the sand, Frank and I attempted to find ways to amuse ourselves. We even tried Bowling…using a stack of plastic ashtrays, and a Nerf football. This turned out to be a bad idea, since a stray bounce caused the Nerf to fly into a nearby lamp, and destroy it. No amount of glue or love would bring that lamp back to us.

When the repairman finally showed up to fix our busted refrigerator, and Frank and I had laid the lamp to rest, we heard feet pounding on the stairs outside, and looked towards the door in time to see Veronica charging through the living room like a wild bull, on a mission. She was holding onto her rear and yelling “OUT OF MY WAY! MOOOOOOVE!” as she shoved past us, and into the bathroom. It seemed as though Frank’s little purple pill had done its duty. (pun intended)

We sat in the living room, discussing ways in which to hide the fact that we had killed a lamp from the reality company, when we began to notice noises coming from the bathroom…noises closely akin to a dying cow. We stepped closer to the door, and heard the most awful noises of pain and suffering that would make even Dante himself cringe. We called through the doorway, “Veronica? Are you ok?” and we heard a high-pitched reply come from within, “Noooooooooooooooooooo!”.

The pitiful nature of her squeal, along with the look on the face of the repairman, was enough to cause Frank and myself to fall into a fit of laughter that did not cease for almost 10 minutes. In the bathroom, the noises and grunts continued and the repairman was intent on his work, despite his desire to burst into laughter along with Frank and myself.

Finally, Veronica emerged from the bathroom looking like she had just wrestled with a tiger. Her hair was disheveled and chaotic; her skin was pale, and numerous beads of sweat covered her face and arms. She held onto the door frame with one hand, to steady herself. Her legs wobbled a bit, and she looked up at us with pleading eyes and said “I’ve never had that much stuff come out of me, so quickly.”

This caused Frank and myself to burst into yet another fit of hysterical laughter, as Veronica hobbled her way to the bedroom to lie down and rest from her ordeal. The repairman left, no doubt to go to his truck and die from humor…and Frank and I stayed behind a bit to chuckle about poor Veronica’s fight with her bowels, knowing that this would be a story we would never forget.









*Names have been changed, to protect the innocent