Friday, July 15, 2005
I couldn’t sleep last night. I’m not sure why, but I think it might have had something to do with that nap I accidentally took after dinner…or possibly it was all of the smack I was doing. Whatever the reason, when I went to bed, I found myself doing the dance of the sleepless; tossing, turning, a few arm lifts, and the occasional piruet. Sleep wouldn’t come, and I began to let my mind wander, as it often does, to thoughts that normally elude me, or thoughts that I normally ignore. Thoughts like, “Amazing. How could Cary Grant have never won an Oscar? Everybody loved the guy!” and “I wonder if black holes have black light?” would swim through my mind like fish. Most of these thoughts were random, fun, and slightly idiotic. Then, “the thought” entered my head, and I knew that I would not be able to stop thinking about it, until I went to sleep. “The thought” has plagued my thoughts for years now, surfacing only on occasions of extreme boredom and restless nights. I tried to think about other things, but “the thought” crept along my brain and started me down the tunnel of philosophical despair; a tunnel so dark and endless, it causes even the brightest souls to become dim and full of sadness.
Ok, maybe that’s a tad dramatic.
The truth is, sometimes when I can’t sleep, and I’m lying in bed naked with only my gigantic member to keep me company…I begin to think about the most random, deep, unnerving thoughts…things that make it even harder for me to fall asleep. “The thought” as I’ve come to call it, is the most prevalent. It basically revolves around my fear of infinity. No, I’m not saying that algebra or calculus scares me…well, calculus scares me. (Divergent, convergent…who cares? When do we subtract, already?) I’m saying that the concept of a human soul, being energy that cannot be destroyed, must therefore exist forever in one form, or another. The idea that I will never cease to be, frightens me.
We are beings who are used to absolutes. We live in a world of rules, with beginnings and ends. The alpha has its omega. The yin has the yang. We accept and live by the these certainties, and they help to make our lives bearable. For instance, we have created the concept of a weekend…a time that signifies the end of the week. This concept allows us to get through the work-week; to know that no matter how bad our day is on Monday…at least Friday is soon in coming. Most of us LIVE for Friday, after all. Imagine if there was no Friday…if that work week never ended?
We read books because we want to know how the story ends…we wouldn’t want to read a book that never ended. What would be the point of that? We’d get bored, at some point. There has to be an end. We NEED to have ends, in our lives. It helps to separate the differences. Summer ends, and winter begins. School starts…but it will end next year. We sleep, yet we wake up. This is how we live; this is what we are used to. This is how we exist. So, the thought that once I die, I may very well be faced with the concept of infinity…of never ending…of losing my certainty of things, fills me with dread. The thought of Heaven and Hell doesn’t even enter into it, to be honest. Sure, I’d rather be in Heaven….duh….but even being in Heaven FOREVER scares me. What if one day, I just want to stop existing? I want to stop being infinite? What if I want to have something end, but am unable to do so? What if nothing ever ends?
Then I fall asleep, afraid and small….except for my huge member…and then I wake up the next day, and life goes on. The dread of impending doom for my infinite afterlife no longer haunts my thoughts, and I am able to get on with the day.
After all, today is the end of the work week, and the beginning of the weekend.