Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Pretzels: My New Crack


Recently, I've noticed that I'm starting to become addicted to pretzels. I'm not sure why, but for some reason, whenever I start to eat the little twisty bastards, I can't stop myself from shoving them unceremoniously into my mouth. I have them as snacks while I am at work, or munch on them at home, before dinner. Of course, they are 97% fat free, so as far as munchie addicts go, I’m pretty tame…and not in danger of being mistaken as a land whale.

The interesting part is, I don’t even LIKE pretzels, all that much. They are bland, too crunchy, and covered in some sort of salt-substance that makes my tongue pucker at the mere thought of tasting. They don’t taste good to me, and they don’t seem to have any nutritional value…so why in the name of Dionysus do I find myself eating them all of the time? (3 points for random Greek god reference)

If I was a paranoid person, I might begin to wonder if the so-called “salt” on these pretzels was in fact, 100% pure heroin. That might explain my inability to put down the bag…and the fact that my left shoulder now has a strange tick. I’ve also heard theories about food manufacturers like KFC, who put an addictive chemical in their chicken to make you crave it nightly. Hmm…is it possible, that the pretzel people have stolen this technology? Or maybe I have some sort of pseudo-psychological need to much on something at all times; whether it be pretzels, my pen cap, or nipples?

Whatever the reason, it is obvious to me that I am becoming a pretzel-head, and I know that at this point, it’s all psychological. I could go through the pills and therapy to get rid of my new habit, but I don’t want to. I can quit, whenever I want to! Don’t take my bag away, I’ll fucking kill you!

As I wrote this, I ate all of my lunch pretzels.

9 comments:

Pizzle said...

Wow. Good thing you're not paranoid. Um...

Are they the little crunchy pretzels? Or big soft pretzels? I assume the former.

You're right about the nutritional value thing...pretty tame...though the carbs could be subject to inducing land-whaleness.

Shanshu said...

Yeah, the little crunchy pretzels...addicting little creeps.

da buttah said...

land whaleness..seems to have replaced anal as the topic of the week.

pretzels don't do it for me...but for some reason if i have combo's anywhere near me i have to eat them voraciously. no idea why. i don't even like them

Shanshu said...

Exactly! That's the same affliction, that I suffer from! I'm telling you...they're putting something into our munchies!

Maybe we're stoned?

da buttah said...

naw i don't do drugs....well not anymore

i think it's the crunch. it's satisfying..kind of like sinking your teeth into some medium rare dead cow...ya know?

Shanshu said...

I feel ya, on that one. Now that I'm done feeling you..I can tell you what I think about what you said: Yes, I know exactly what you mean; it's the crunch.

R. U. Serious said...

The good news is that pretzels justify more beer.

Scared Bunny Blog – Yes, it’s offensive!

Callie said...

Oh yeah - I'm with serious. More beer! Woo hoo!

Honestly, I'm the same way with pretzels. Only, I seem to have an affinity for the pretzel sticks rather than the curly things. Have NO idea why, but if they're around, I'll eat them and won't stop until the bag is gone.

Pizzle said...

Geez...these pretzels ARE like crack.

Let me know if you find something that can replace other bad habits. I'm gonna go back to bootin' black tar heroin...