Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Tropicana Mystery

This morning, while trying to get rid of my tangible albeit mild hangover, I decided to purchase a juice drink from the company break room. I stumbled my way towards the room of corporate rest, and found the object of my desire: the vending machine. As I perused the choices laid before me, I began to debate the Tropicana juice drink, or the Dole juice drink.

Such decisions are very important, and should not be taken lightly.

I weighed the pros and cons of each, taking into account the Q&A round, but trying to ignore the swimsuit competition. You have to look past the sexy exterior, and go for what is inside...or so I have been told.

I finally decided on the Tropicana Strawberry Melon juice drink, for no other reason, than that it was $0.35 cheaper, than the Dole Apple Juice. I deposited my money, and snatched up my newly acquired hangover cure with a smile on my face.

As I read the label, I noticed something interesting. It said: "Made with REAL fruit juice. Non-carbonated. No caffeine." And I thought...well, that's just swanky! Good to know, I made the right choice. So I unscrewed the top, and the very familiar psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst sound escaped from the bottle!

WTF?! The label on the shit-kicking bottle said non carbonated...that means NO carbonation, am I right? So why on God's green earth, when I open said bottle, did I hear the same noise that a bottle of Pepsi makes? I pondered this, on the way back to my desk, and decided to give this "real juice" a test. I put the cap back on, and shook the hell out of it, like I was it's dad.

The fucking thing began to fizz and bubble like some sort of science experiment. This so-called "non-carbonated" beverage fizzed and foamed right before my eyes, and I sat perplexed for a good 2 minutes, before I realized that I really didn't care, all that much.

I drank the drink, and it tasted ok. It helped my fuzzy head, and allowed me to continue with my day.

But beware, faithful but few readers! Tropicana juices will lie to you!


Bashful Blue said...

Thanks for the warning.

You sure went into a lot of detail for some "juice" that you don't really care about. But, it was a fun read. Just goes to show, you probably should have spent the extra 35 cents on the Dole fruit juice.

da buttah said...

the sound and fizz is due to the vacum packing process that each bottling/packaging company of perishable food and beverages is required to engage in for sanitary purposes.

also, the fizz resulted from it dropping a million feet to get to the little vagina of the vending machine where you picked it up

that is all!

Shanshu said...

I can see that logic...but when I purchase a Dole juice drink, no such fizz or sound escapes the bottle.

Wouldn't that lead one to assume, that the Dole juice is REAL fruit juice, and the Tropicana is a cleverly disguised fake?

Things that make you go "hmmmm"

da buttah said...

no. dole's botteling procedure is completely different. notice the wider cap/opening on the dole bottle, verse the more soda-like shape of the tropicana bottle

you will not win =0) muhahaha!

Shanshu said...

Oh yeah? Well...well...insects don't have souls! HA!

l'il bear said...

Vagina of the vending machine... fuck me that's gold!

I have no idea what to say other than this made my day man! HA HA HA fart HA HA HA HA!