Annoying to the Point of Homicidal Thoughts

You know what I hate most about New Year's? Not the parties or the countdowns, or even those lame noise-makers. What I hate about New Year's Eve is the fact that people try to be clever by saying the following phrase:

"See you next year!"

I fucking hate that. The people who say that think they're being so clever, too. They're hoping that somebody is going to hear that and say "What do you mean? Why won't I see you for a whole year?" and then they can be all smug and witty and say "Well, you'll see me tomorrow...that's next year. Ha ha! Got you! I'm so much smarter than you!"

Fucking lame.

Somebody said that to me today and I almost choked them.

Happy Holidays!!!

MS Outlook 2003 Can Suck Me

While my current political affiliation remains a mystery, there are other areas of my life which I can accurately describe as being super-conservative. One of these areas would be the idea of change. Specifically, the idea of changes to things that I use on a daily basis, like my computer setup and workstation. Now, I’m not afraid of change…I like things to be different and better and more shiny. I do not like changing something that isn’t broken, however. I find that to be simply annoying. Especially when the new version is crappy.

Take my 2002 MS Outlook software at work. It was working fine, and I had it the way I wanted it, and everything was right with the world. Then the fucking Sprint IT guys decided that they wanted me to have MS Outlook 2003. You would think that this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but dammit the programs are as different as black and fuck.

Those crafty IT guys snuck in late last night and installed the new software without my knowledge. I came into work today and booted up my computer only to find that my Outlook taskbar shortcut button had vanished. While cramming that strangeness back away into the “why the fuck did that happen?” portion of my brain, I created a new shortcut button and tried to move on with my life.

Hell no, it wouldn’t be that easy.

There were pop-ups and messages boxes and requests for information. There was a new setup box and configuration settings to deal with, and it even asked me for my name. Here’s my name, MS Outlook 2003: Fuck off. That’s my name. Now go away, and leave me alone.

After the initial setup was complete, I began to browse through my new software, only to be disappointed everywhere I went. New colors and stupid buttons that I don’t need and preview panes and strange boxes and folders in the wrong places….bloody hell, it was chaos in there. I shook my fists at the IT guys and began the process of changing everything back to the way I like it. This process took ten minutes away from my life, that I will never get back.

Even now, I’m not happy with it. The colors are all lame and the shortcut button is screwy. They even put in a second button over near the time section of my desktop, and I can’t make it go away. So now, just in case I’m too stupid to push the regular shortcut button…I have a 2nd one as a backup. Terrific.

That’s what they do sometimes, you know. They change their software because they seem to think that we are all getting dumber while they are getting smarter. They think we can’t find our Calendar by ourselves, so they decide we need a huge fucking button for it that pops up every 5 minutes in case we want to look at it. They assume that we like to have a blaring, huge font title over EACH SEPARATE EMAIL telling us when we received it (“THIS EMAIL IS FROM 1 WEEK AGO” or “THIS EMAIL IS FROM YESTERDAY”) because we are too retarded to look at the Time/Date Stamp that’s always been there.

People…I get a shadow box that pops up now, whenever I get a new email. It pops up and gives me a mini-view of the new email, and then it slowly fades away into nothingness. This box is set to be “always on top” and so far I can’t figure out how to change it (that was not an invitation for you to tell me how in the comments…I will figure it out on my own.) so for now it keeps happening every five minutes when I get a new email. It’s happened twice since I started writing this.

This new Outlook is fucking up my Chi. My Chi is all wrong.

I hate it.

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

This is my Santa pen. It was put into my stupid lame "work stocking" the other day. It has a button the back that makes his fists punch, like Rock-Em-Sock-Em Robots, or some such shit. I think he's hilarious and I'm probably going to keep him at my desk for awhile, just to keep the joy going.

Happy OSW.

Christmas Party Top 9

In an effort to avoid any embarassing lawsuits from David Letterman or CBS, I am going to offer up to you, my faithful readers, a top 9 list of...

Reasons Why My Christmas Party Rocked:

9. Somebody almost ate the mistletoe even after I told them it was poison
8. A hot girl was already drunk by 8:37pm after arriving at 7:45pm
7. 14 people were invited, yet somehow 23 people showed up
6. I met yet another new reader who assured me she is going to participate in OSW
5. I saw 3 bras and 2 pairs of panties before midnight. Giggidy-Giggidy!
4. Mulled Wine
3. The guy upstairs didn't call the cops on us, even after it was 4:30am
2. There was NO alcohol-induced vomiting on the premises.

And the number one reason why my Christmas Party rocked...

1. Because it was MY Christmas party, bitches. My shit always works, sometimes!!

Pennies: Tiny Copper Spawns of Satan

As some of you may or may not know, I have a slight problem with pennies. I find them to be a worthless part of our currency market, and a blight on the smooth face of our debt-ridden and shabby economy. I used to keep all of my pennies in a big jar, mindlessly adding to my collection after every monetary transaction. I would throw penny after penny into the jar in an effort to save up enough of the small copper bastards to purchase something silly like food or gasoline. Then one day, for reasons unknown even to myself, I began to silently hate them.

Those stupid pennies. They sit there, with their dirty-looking color and their strange, metallic taste. They fill up our pockets and coin purses, taking up space and offering nothing in return. They are lazy. They are almost worthless. It takes 10 of their kind, to add up to the same amount as a dime…which is sleeker, newer, and shinier. Pennies are old school. They are lame. They have outlived their usefulness and it is, in my opinion, time to retire them to the scrap heap. Let’s make muffin tins out of them, or something.

And don’t get me started on the fact that it is the fault of the penny that we are forced to put up with the stupid marketing pricing fad of $19.99, as if that one penny saves you a bunch of money. The penny is not our friend. The proof is everywhere.

Anyway, my hatred of pennies rose to new levels the other night, when they finally found themselves in a position to justify their existence to me in a very annoying way. Let me set the scene for you:

Super Target, 9:30pm. Tuesday night. Cold outside. Shanshu was forced to travel out into the cold, cruel world of holiday shopping earlier than expected, for the fact that he was being prodded into a Corporate Christmas Team-Building Event which involved the decorating of stockings in one of the meeting rooms. Searching the rows and rows of holiday decorations, he was able to find a Christmas stocking for the low price of $0.99 and that was as much money as Shanshu was willing to spend on such a lame meeting idea. He traveled up to the checkout register, and smiled at the Super Target lady.

Shanshu: Hello.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Hello. Is this it?
Shanshu: Yes.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Did you have trouble finding anything?
Shanshu: No.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Ok. That will be $1.06, please.
Shanshu: (digging around in pockets) Oh, gosh. I only have $1.00 on me. Jen, do you have any change on you?
Jen: (digging around purse) Yeah, I have 5 pennies.
Shanshu: That’s it? Hmm. (turning to checkout lady) I guess we only have $1.05, apparently. Do you mind if we’re short by a penny? Heh.
Super Target Checkout Lady: Yes, I mind.
Shanshu: Eh?
Annoying Super Target Checkout Lady: I mind. It’s $1.06, not $1.05…you need a penny.
Shanshu: …
Jen: Are you…are you serious? It’s a penny.
Annoying Penny Nazi Super Target Checkout Lady: I’m sorry.
Shanshu: (regaining consciousness) Wait…can’t you just…spot us the stupid penny?
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: No. If I do that, my drawer will be off.
Shanshu: By a penny.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: I’m sorry, there’s nothing I can do.
Shanshu: …
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Do you have another form of payment?
Shanshu: Well, we wouldn’t want to short your drawer a penny, would we? I guess I’m paying with my credit card.
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Fine. Please swipe your card.
Shanshu: (thinking) Can I get cash back with this?
Rude Annoying Penny Nazi: Sure. How much do you want?
Shanshu: A penny.
Very Angry Annoying Penny Nazi: …
Shanshu: Never mind. I’ll just put the $1.06 on my card for now.
Very Angry Annoying Ugly Penny Nazi: Here’s your receipt. Goodbye.
Shanshu: Whatever.
Jen: (handing the checkout lady a penny) Here you go. Here’s a penny for you, in case somebody else today is 1 cent short on their purchase.
Very Angry Annoying Ugly Penny Nazi: …
Shanshu: Don’t give her that…now her drawer will be over by a penny.



Pennies suck. I rest my case.

Happy Thursday.

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

We spent time today decorating our Christmas stockings for a team builder while we watched a movie and ate pizza. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this sock of Christmas cheer, but I'm sure that it's going to find its place in the world soon enough.

Congrats to last week's OSW winner, Damasta. Her cute little Christmas Tree-Clock combo has to win, for the simple fact that it seems to be somewhat artistic. But everybody had great OSW pics this past week...it was hard to choose a winner. In the end, I went with my gut.

Happy OSW.

When Did My Opinions Become So Vacillating?

When I was a child, I spoke as a child. I said whatever thought popped into my small but overactive brain in an attempt to learn more about my surroundings and the world to which I was a part of. I was inquisitive and curious, and formed opinions on things quickly and without hesitation. After all, it seemed easy to pick one side of an argument, over the other. Simply examine both sides and choose the one that made the most sense…it was easy. My loyalties were steadfast and I stuck to my guns, no matter how miniscule the topic of discussion happened to be. For instance, I might very well have been seen locked into a wrestling match with somebody who believed that Superman was cooler than Spiderman. Obviously, whatever kid thought that was stupid, and needed my size 5 Velcro shoes up his OshKosh B'Gosh ass. Back then, taking sides seemed natural.

I’m not sure when it happened, or what cathartic event transpired that would cause me to shift my perspective, but lately I have noticed that when it comes to “important” debates I find myself almost always on the fence. I not only see both sides of the argument, but I see them so well and so clearly that I find it hard to form an opinion on which is the “correct” point of view. Many times I have examined something on the news that is causing some form of controversy, only to find myself agreeing with both sides and then moving on with my life. I did not used to be this way. Ask anybody I went to high school with about topics such as abortion, the death penalty, war, homosexuality, sports, racism, or anything else you can think of. The odds are, they will be able to say without hesitation and with little difficulty what my view on that particular issue was at that time. Nowadays, you would be lucky to guess what type of juice I like to drink.

I’m sure that one of the reasons for my recent trend of indecisiveness stems from taking philosophy in college. Those classes are the epitome of there is no answer, which is bound to cause some confusion in opinionated individuals such as myself. When I first read philosophy questions such as “What is truth?” and “Is knowledge even possible?” my mind began to swirl with possibilities and the answers to difficult questions. During my freshman year at college, you could find me muddling over whether or not insects had souls, or find me trying to prove that color is an illusion. I’m fairly certain that it was during this time that my brain began its path towards hesitation and universal agreement. This was also the time that I figured out that sex does not help you find love, and Pro Wrestling is fake.

Another reason that I’ve been sitting on the fence lately is probably caused by time, and its effect on the mind. As I’ve gotten older, some of my opinions have changed based on personal experience and learning. For instance, I used to believe that going to a loud, busy dance club on a Friday night was the best way to hang out with friends and have a good time. Now, I find it is much more enjoyable to go to a bar and socialize with these same friends in an atmosphere that stimulates discussion and laughing. It is more appealing to me, because I have found that the benefits to such an atmosphere outweigh the benefits of going to a dance club. This same style of thought can be applied to other areas of my life, including religion and even food. This is probably why most older people don’t eat Big Macs at 2:00am after a night of heavy drinking and socializing…they’ve figured out that it’s not the best thing to be doing. So maybe we can say that my inability to choose a side comes from just getting older. Now, turn down that damn rap music so I can continue! Damn kids.

I could sit here and write a dozen more reasons for why I find it hard to choose a side, and none of them would come any closer to answering the question that I posed in my title. I could say that it involves the empathy of seeing the other person’s side of things, which makes it harder to continue to see things from my side, alone. I could postulate that my indecisiveness derives from seeing the futility in arguing and debating topics, since talking about something will never change the course that a particular event or topic will travel. Maybe my cynicism doesn’t allow me to form opinions. Maybe I’m afraid to commit to things, now that I’m getting older and the threat of death looms over my head like a black cloud of inevitability. Maybe the decision center of my brain was zapped away by years of fermented hops and bong resin.

The truth is, I’m not positive about why I can’t seem to commit to a side anymore, but I think it has something to do with fear. I think fear may be the cause of most of our problems. Fear motivates us to do wonderful things, this is true…but it also holds us back. It makes us drive slower and eat healthier food and think before we speak. It causes us to look both ways, hold our tongues, and look before we leap. In this world of infinite possibilities and choices, I find it highly plausible that the main reason for me to not choose sides, is because that is the safest route to take. If you don’t form an opinion, then you can’t be wrong. As any poker player will tell you, you can’t lose what you don’t put in the middle. So perhaps I find it is easier to sit on the fence, than to pick a side to jump over to.

If that is the case, then it is unacceptable. We should never be afraid of telling our viewpoints, or taking a side in a debate. So what if you think the wrong thing, or choose the wrong side? You can always change your mind, you have that right. I think it’s written down somewhere. Besides, who is to say that your opinion is necessarily wrong? I’m sure that Superman kid thought he was right, and I was wrong. Big deal. It doesn’t change the fact that we liked different things, and were vocal about it. I’m going to stop being afraid to choose a side. From now on, I’m going to jump off the fence and stick to my guns.

That having been said, I’ve come up with a list of topics, along with the side I have chosen to take for each topic. This is my way of trying to become an opinionated individual, again. Enjoy.

10 Things I Believe in:

-The death penalty
-A higher power and an infinite universe
-Big breasts are attractive
-Country music is crap
-Red meat is good for you
-Stem Cell research is good
-College sports are better than pro sports
-OJ Simpson is guilty
-Michael Jackson is innocent
-Saying "One Nation, Under God" during the Pledge of Allegiance

10 Things I Do Not Believe in:

-Ghosts
-Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone
-Hell
-Vegans
-The Electoral College
-Putting sugar in pasta sauce
-The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina was motivated by racism
-Psychotherapeutic drugs
-Enemas make you more healthy
-US Courts favoring the mother for child custody

Some things I'm still on the fence about:

-Abortion
-War
-Unions
-Big Business
-The new colors of M&M's
-Jokes about Jesus



PS: You had to look up the word vacillating, didn't you? Admit it.

Christmas Bunnies!!!!!

If you're anything like me, then you enjoy a good spanking as much as the next person. You also love Christmas movies, because they put you into a good mood, and remind you of simpler times and holiday cheer. One of my favorite Christmas movies is A Christmas Story, which I'm sure many of you have seen before.

In the spirit of the season, my favorite acting bunnies (not the group kind) have put together a mini-movie of A Christmas Story, done in thirty seconds. Click the pic to check it out:

Happy Friday, everybody! May the spirit if Christmas and the odds of stress and things going wrong swell within you during this holiday season!! And, if you feel the need for spankings, remember it is better to give, than recieve.

OSW and Shanshu's PC Woes

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!!

This is my Roy Williams bobble-head doll. He used to be the head basketball coach for KU until he sold out and moved back to North Carolina. We miss him terribly, since our team has turned to crap ever since he left.

Sometimes, I have to turn him around because I can't look at his face.

So, here's what happened to me yesterday, in the style of "The Night Before Christmas":

T'was the day before Wednesday and all through my home,

Nobody was stirring, since I was alone.

I went into my den to use my PC,

while visions of Blogging danced around within me.

I noticed some SpyWare and even Viruses, too.

So I decided to get rid of them, with no more ado.

I paid fifty dollars for some software to cure

the spyware and viruses; to kill them for sure.

But what did I see with my own little eyes?

The software was bogus! The fix full of lies!

My money was gone and the Spyware remained,

promises of online safety and protection were feigned.

I cursed and I spat, and shook my fists in the air,

but nobody heard me, there was no one to care.

I called Dell Support and begged them to help me,

and they said they would...for a large fee.

One hundred dollars later and two hours more,

and my computer was more broken, then it was before.

"We cannot fix it." they said and they sounded quite dumb,

while I sat in my den and I sucked on my thumb.

"Your hard drive has crashed, there is nothing to say,

we here at Dell hope you have a very nice day!

"A new hard drive we will send you, and this one will work!"

they told me as I tried to stab my wrist with a spork.

I jumped up and down and felt so much better,

and then I sat down to write a nasty letter.

Screw Hackers! Screw Spammers! Screw all Spyware too!

I wrote about how they had spat on my shoe.

Then I went up to my bank to tell them the story,

only to find out that they had no money for me.

One hundred and Fifty dollars the total I lost,

to learn a good lesson at oh such a cost.

So now I am wiser, and more bitter still.

Of all the spyware and viruses I've had my fill.

So to all of you out there who are not quite protected,

buy up-to-date software or you too will be infected.

So I say to you all, Happy Computing for you!

And to Spyware and Hackers I say fuck off.

Friday Fantabulous

I don't have anything to say, today. I have nothing to say...except to say, that I have nothing to say. So I guess you could say, that I only have one thing to say, which is that I have nothing to say, and that's the one thing I have to say.

So, now that we've cleared that up...here's some pictures of a girl with large breasts who looks 17 years old, but is probably closer to 37 knowing the way Hollywood changes people. Enjoy, and Happy Friday.

World AIDS Day 2005

Today, December 1st is World AIDS Day. It's the day when people around the world are meant to stand together in one voice, and say "We will defeat this horrible epidemic that has swept across our lands!" while holding hands and praying for a better future. It's the day when awareness is raised, donations are given, and celebrities give speeches.

This is my first time ever hearing about it, which does not surprise me one bit. I've commented before about the lack of media coverage of AIDS, and how it has become an "Out of sight, out of mind" epidemic that gets less spotlight time than David Duchovny lately. (Read my post about the lack of AIDS media coverage here)

I will say this, though: the coverage this year must be better than last year, because last year I don't remember hearing about World AIDS Day whatsoever...so the fact that I know about it this year is a plus in the AIDS Media Marketing column.

CNN even gave it a headline. Not THE headline, of course. That would be too much spotlight. But they did give the AIDS day a headline, and that's all that matters.

Anyway, happy World AIDS Day 2005! I encourage you all to spend some time today (if even a few minutes) reminding yourself about the horrible problems of AIDS, and that it is something that is still a plague on our world. Maybe you could even go so far as to wear a red ribbon. I know that ribbons are symbols and many people don't like symbols...but symbols are cliché for a reason. Try it out...it's not that bad. I promise it won't make you look fat.

OSW, Mr. Miyagi, and Annoying Puzzle Games

Office Supply Wednesday:


Well, I can't post a photo of something in my office today, because I left my camera phone at home. Yes, I'm retarded. But rather than not participating in OSW, I have decided to use a picture I found on google that had something to do with sexy offices. Enjoy.

Oh, and not to forget: Last week's winner of Office Supply Wednesday would have to be our favorite Dirty Blonde Drunk Chick. Why is she the winner? Well, I'll tell you...it's because of that silly tree. I don't know why, but it makes me giggle. So, congrats to drunkbh!!

On a Sad Note:

I just found out last night that Pat Morita died on Thanksgiving day. This is very sad to me, because I grew up watching The Karate Kid as a child, and the fact the Mr. Miyagi has left us forever is a tad upsetting. I hereby offer up a moment of blogger silence for one of my favorite childhood characters.

...

Annoying Puzzle Game:

Ok, normally I love games that require you to think, solve puzzles, and generally be clever in order to win. What I don't like, however, is not figuring them out. Pizzle sent me this today, and I'm ashamed to admit that I can't figure out the last puzzle. This Rubik's Cube of Death and Annoyance makes me want to punch the desk and shout curses at the skies. I offer the puzzle to you, so you can complete it and laugh at my inability to logically put together a fucking 3-dimensional cube.

Play the game here

And now for something completely random:

Last night, Jen and I went out to dinner with friends. During the course of the meal, it had been brought up that I had been sleeping on the couch recently. As I made it clear last night, I am not sleeping on the couch because I am in trouble. Jen has been restless lately, and constantly wakes me up throughout the course of the night, ergo me and the couch have gotten very close lately. Anyway, as Jen was telling the story last night, she used the following phrase to explain the situation:

"Shanshu has been sleeping on the couch because I've been bad in bed lately."

There was a moment of silence at the table, as everybody digested this. Then, we all erupted in laughter as Jen's face began to turn bright red. Apparantly, being good in bed is very important to me...

Backwards Parking

You know what I don't get? Backwards Parking. The whole thing just makes me shake my head and laugh, for some reason. I know that certain driving situations require you to back-up to park...but most of the time, people do it because they want to. Personally, I've never really been in touch with the need to take the time to back my car into a spot, so that later on I can have the chance to simply pull forward and continue on with my driving experience. I know some people who backwards park, and I always giggle to myself when they do it. Why? Because I find the whole thing to be silly, that's why.

Yeah, you heard me Pizzle...I said silly.

Most people I know who do this, claim that they do the backwards parking thing because they like the ease of simply pulling out of their parking spot and then starting to drive away. They say it's easier, and saves time. Fine, but what they don't seem to realize is that the time spent backing into the spot makes the whole "time-saving" thing a bit redundant. If you spend 10 seconds backing into your spot, and only 4 seconds leaving your spot...that's 14 seconds. Now, if you spent 4 seconds to park normally, and then later on spent 10 seconds backing out to leave your parking space...that's still 14 seconds.

I may not be in calculus anymore...but I'm pretty sure that 14-14=0, which means there is NO difference between the two numbers. So we can safely assume that backwards parking does not save any time.

If this is the case, then why do people do it? Here is my list of situations that might require the need for backwards parking:

• To make it easier to load groceries into the trunk area after an afternoon of shopping.
• Trying to scare the shit out of your cat, who up until now has been staring out the back window watching things travel away from him, as opposed to the way things seem to come at him once you start driving in reverse.
• Some form of parking dyslexia.
• You have a bomb placed on your front bumper that will explode if it makes contact with anything, including the curb.
• You need to make a fast getaway from a place you just burglarized.
• You were running over somebody while in reverse, and then noticed people looking, and so you parked "just to look normal".
• You feel you are a driving rebel who has nothing to lose, and answers to nobody.
• You think your car has a big ass, and wish to hide it from the other cars in the parking lot.
• Extra proud of your "My Kid is on the Honor Roll" bumper sticker.
• You're on a stake-out.
• You think that people who back into their parking spots are cooler than other drivers, and wish to be just like them.
• You have a fear of putting your emotions on the table, and it affects even the way you park (with your front end being hidden from view as a metaphor for you hiding your feelings from others).
• You're trying to make the miles on your car go down by driving backwards as often as possible.
• You want to make it perfectly clear to your date for the evening that you have no problem "easing in from behind".
• You believe that, even with parking, different is better.
• You like the noise your car makes when it drives in reverse. This is especially true if you have one of those trucks that makes the beeping sound when going backwards.

I'm sure there are other reasons, but I don't want to spend too much time dwelling on them. As I said, I know people participate in backwards parking, but I choose not to join the club. If you believe that you, or somebody you love may have a habit of backwards parking, please get some help. Only together, can we make a difference.

Thank you.

Now, just to ensure that there are no hard feelings for all of my backwards parking readers out there, here is a funny clip of cats doing funny things. Enjoy!

Ok, ok I'm sorry

Ok, I know that my posting lately has been uber lame and has caused some of you to seriously consider breaking into my house and forcing me to post something that helps keep you entertained. My only defense is that I have been sick, I had to work on Friday, and today was pretty busy getting ready for the December billing month rush.

While I had a few ideas for witty posts and interesting thoughts, it occured to me that I just do not have the time to be creative enough to do them credit, nor do I have the time to complete said masterpieces. Instead, I thought I would just let you know that I have not forgotten any of you...I still love you all.

Look for me, by sunrise on the third day. Look to the East. I shall return.


Oh, and just so you know: there was no Thanksgiving group bunny, although at one point something happened that came dangerously close to being the coolest thing I've ever encountered in my 27 years of life on this planet. I would give you more details, but I think my server is about to crash and I don't want to be cut off bef

The Day After Thanksgiving

It's a good thing I'm here at the office today. Otherwise I might have missed out on all the fun that comes from being at work the day after a holiday, when 85% of the population is still at home in their beds, sleeping and dreaming about turkey and dinner rolls. It's such a relief to know that while I sit here in this cubicle confine, my friends and family are enjoying themselves and taking advantage of the holiday and all that encompasses it with smiles on their faces and a skip in their steps.

Bastards.

I'm at work today, and I find it ridiculously frustrating due to the simple fact that I don't need to be at work today. You know why? Because I have no work to do. Nothing. Nada. I am sitting here staring at this screen as I write this wondering to myself what I am going to find to occupy myself for the next 8 hours. I'm pretty sure there's not enough information on the internet to keep me entertained for that long...especially since I can't view porn at work.

Why are you at work, if you have nothing to do?

Well, let me tell you. My boss decided that she wanted to have somebody in the office because it looked better for our director. She wanted us here to give the impression that we are a collective, team-playing unit who is focused on the goal of helping the company and rising to the challenge by increasing workload and helping the new paradigm business unit assess its goals and become more productive. Basically, it's bullshit. If she really gave a crap about being a team player and increasing workload, she would be here herself, instead of at home sleeping in her warm, comfy bed.

That's bullshit, Shanshu.

I know. It's repugnantly annoying. I'm so glad that all of the CEO's and Vice Presidents and Directors and Managers and Supervisors and Team Leads of corporate America are sleeping better right now at home with their families because I am here at work with all of the other pathetic, helpless losers who have no say in the process. Because of me, those corporate executives and money-pushers can rest easy because they know that while they are gone, nothing bad will happen at their precious office building like a fire because somebody will be there. I feel like nothing more than a paid human fire alarm. I should have a little fire whistle, or something.

Toot.

Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Office Supply Wednesday

Happy Office Supply Wednesday!

I'm going to give props now. Props are coming. Last week's winner for OSW would have to be Badtouch with this clever, funny, and most random office supply ever: fake booby on keyboard.
Congrats, Badtouch! You've won a free oven mitt!

I hope everybody has a safe and fun Thanksgiving holiday tomorrow. Since I have to work on Friday, I'll be back to post all about my turkey adventures and fun. Until then have a nice holiday!

Blathering and Blubbering

• My Kansas Jayhawks lost last night to Arizona. Since I'm only two steps away from being a full-blown Jayhawk basketball addict, my day pretty much sucks already. Most likely, this list will suck ass, as a result. Sorry.
• My GMT conversion from UTC is UTC-6=CMT.
• I've decided that puffy nipples do not turn me on. I'm not saying they're wrong or anything...they're just not my thing.
• I'm getting a new computer for Christmas and I'm very excited for myself. Just think about all the blogging I can do when I'm not at the office! I mean...you might get as it happens group bunny stories! Holy crap, yo!
• Even though my first official day of work at this new job was last Monday, I'm still listed as a contractor on all the internal web sites, and last night my old Contractor Firm called me to ask me why I hadn't faxed in my timecard for last week, yet. Apparantly, I am a man with no work boundaries. I walk alone. I am the Rogue Cubicle Warrior.
• I've had the theme song from Highlander: The Series stuck in my head all morning and I have no idea why. I never even watched that show, dammit.
• The new Harry Potter movie kicked so much ass, I can't even put it into words. So I won't try. I did see it twice this weekend, if that tells you anything.
• I wasn't making that crap up in bullet #2. It's a conversion to Greenwich Mean Time from Universal Time Coordinate, for my current time zone (Central Mountain Time). So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.
• I'm not going to tell you the fingercuffs story because there are too many people who read this, who know me and might judge me. I want to get a house someday.
• Despite what people tell you, hot pink pants are not back in style.
• To the pregnant girl who sits across the hall from me: I'm not hitting on you when I say hello. Get over yourself.
• To the the old guy who sits behind me: Stop trying to touch me in my special private place while you're on break. It reminds me too much of Father McFeely.
• I have to work the day after Thanksgiving. That blows goats with no condom, doesn't it?
• Last night while watching the new Family Guy I realized that they use the "God as a bachelor" bit too often. It's just not funny anymore.
• For those of you wondering how I watched the new Family Guy on a Monday night, please learn all about DVR.
• If Ginger Kids have no souls, does that mean we're allowed to eat them, and not get fat?

Per Spinning Girl's request, here is a picture of Puffy Nipples (NSFW)

Gay Photo and Sexy, and Harry Potter

Ok, so this is the funniest thing ever. Are you ready for this? I hope so, because even if you're not ready for this, I'm going to bring it. Yeah, that's right: I'm bringing it. Prepare for the funny.

So, Pizzle's post about how StatCounter will show you a feature called "Came From" in which you have the chance to see how people came to view your site. Like Pizzle, most of my hits come from people and blogs that I know, but I do get the occasional random search string result that leads to my site.

Today I found the Holy Grail of all "came from" results for my blog. No search will ever be as funny, or yield the same results. The search result for which I speak is brought to you by MSN. Somebody out in the world decided they needed to search for the following:

gay photo and movie with sexy on the screen

I was the third hit on the page.

The third freaking hit about gay porn and sexy gave up my blog site as a potential match!!! Holy fucking funny, Batman! I laughed outloud and looked around the office for somebody to share the joy with. Then I remembered that I don't talk to anybody in the office unless it's work related because I hate this place. Then I stared at the search results a second time and laughed again.

Ah, to be famous. I only hope that when my new career of being sexy on the screen with gay photos blossoms into a very profitable and relaxing career, that I will find the time to continue to blog with you awesome people.

I think every now and then, I'm going to start spitting out some completely random shit, in the hopes that it will end up being something that somebody will search for, and I'll get more hits to my little blog world o' Shanshu here. Let's try it:

My guppy has died.
Girls with huge tits who love beans.
How do I fix my liver?
All anal apple puckers! Live! Free!
The grass has turned yellow.
My soul is dead.
The house is mean to me.
I fear pens.

We'll see if any of these yield me some results. I bet at least one of them will.

As many of you know, tonight marks the opening night for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, and I'm sure that many of you are anxiously awaiting the time that you can go see it. I too will be seeing this movie tonight, on Opening Night. I've never liked opening night to see movies...always so crowded and noisy and full of people and chaotic and insane...ugh. No thank you. I usually wait until the Monday after, when it is calmed down and back to normal. But the girls want to go see it tonight...so Shanshu is going to see it tonight. Blech.

I've discovered that most girls that I know prefer to go to movies on Opening Night...while many of the guys that I know, prefer the calmer times to go see the movie, as I do. I wonder if this is a universal guy thing? Or just a strange cooincidence? Let me know in the comments section...I'm very curious.

Anyway, Happy Friday and remember that a wise man is only as wise as the words he says which are not dumb.

PS: I was going to post a story about group bunny and fingercuffs, but I've been laughing too much to feel sexy enough to do such a thing. So I'll just let you imagine whatever you can. Toodles.

PPS: Is it lame to use "PPS" for a second PS? After all, PS stands for Post Script and so technically, if you have multiple post scripts, there should only be PS because it's still just a post script. But then again, maybe using Post POST Script shows that you're writing something post (after) the original post script. If that's the case, then using PPS is acceptable. Right? Crap I lost my train of thought. I'd better go catch the bus.

My favorite words that start with W

Inquisitive:

• What?
• Where?
• Why?
• Wassup?
• Whosyodaddy?

Exclamatory:

• Wow!
• Whoa!
• Whump!
• Woot!

Descriptive:

• Winged
• Wet
• Wicked

Verbs:

• Wobble
• Wrench
• Wewind

Affirmations:

• Word!
• Woo!

OFFICE SUPPLY WEDNESDAY

I bet some of you thought I forgot about this, didn't you? I bet some of you were thinking, "Shanshu hasn't posted in a few days...I wonder if he's going to slack off and stop doing OSW?" Well, fear not my gentle readers! I am here, and I have not abandoned you. Today is Office Supply Wednesday, and it's time to see who's got what it takes to be a true Shanshuee (a new word courtesy of Crystal). Will you rise to the challenge, or disengage? We shall see.

Since some people require some clarification on OSW, let's go ahead and do that now. Office Supply Wednesday is a chance for you to show us things that relate to the office, or the idea of the office. These can be items like Post-Its, pencils, pens, paper-clips, staplers...anything that you might find at an office, or an office environment. Anything remotely related to desks, offices, office supplies, cubicles, jobs, or the work environment in general will be acceptable.

They can be from your desk, or somebody else's. They can be something that you set on your desk. You can make fun shapes and structures with your office supplies, if you'd like. You can just take a picture of your desk at home, or some of the things on your desk at home. You can take a picture of your favorite pen to use at work, or your phone, or that troll doll that's still sitting on top of your monitor.

If you don't have a desk or an office or a cubicle, that's ok. Just give us a picture of something that might relate to something mentioned above. Heck, a post-it that says "Office Supply Wednesday" would be fine. Use your creativity!!! Have fun with it, dammit!

If you don't have a camera...wake up. It's 2005. Live in the now.

Every week I'll try to scour as many blogs as I can to find the best picture for Office Supply Wednesday. The winner will get notoriety and fame beyond their wildest dreams, as I will post their name and their picture on the weekly Office Supply Wednesday post. Bonus points will be awarded for anything relating to group bunny included in your OSW picture.

Last week's winner would have to be Spinning Girl with her clever use of Post-It's in a crazy artistic way that made me tickle myself with glee. Good job, Spinning Girl! You've won a free oven mitt.

So, grab those cameras kiddies... snap a picture, and let the joy of Office Supply Wednesday take a hold of you!!!!!

PS: Hopefully soon, I'll have a hot-button link thingy for you to put on your blog for Office Supply Wednesday, so people can link to this wonderful new trend. It's in the works at the moment, so be patient.