Bitch, Whine, Moan

Cripes.

It seems like everybody has to bitch about everything. Everywhere you look, it seems like somebody new is complaining about something else that annoys their delicate natures again. Er....except me. I don't bitch about everything. I simply share my opinions about other people's bitching and offer suggestions for how we can improve on ourselves. Right?

Right.

Anyway. The point is, people like to bitch and moan. It makes them feel special and it makes them feel like they are important and worth taking up space for.

Today's good example of which, is the Church of England.

The church is complaining about Sony's use of the Manchester Cathedral in a video game. The game in question is called Resistance: Fall of Man. It's a game about an alien invasion of earth during WWII and how humanity teams up to survive and conquer their invaders.




Nothing religious whatsoever about this video game. It's about blowing shit up and shooting aliens. Violence, pure and simple in its wonderfulness.




The fact that somebody has found a reason to bitch besides stuck up, bored housewives who think video games are too violent astounds me. This game has nothing to do with religion or the church, and the fact that the Church of England has found a reason to bitch blows me the fuck away.

The Manchester Cathedral is used as a background for one of the levels in the game...nothing more. They don't even refer to the church by name, to my knowledge. If they do, they don't make it very obvious. I didn't know which church the level I was playing was in, while I played it. In fact, I didn't know the name of the church until I read this stupid article.

The Church of England wants Sony to issue an apology for using their cathedral without permission, and for Sony to pay them "a large donation" for their trouble.

Piffle.

It's a public building...a church. It's going to be viewed by people, photographed, videoed....and maybe even put into a book, movie, TV show, or God forbid, a video game.

Who cares? It's not like the game is saying anything negative about the church. It's just a backdrop for part of the "story" of the game. It's a setting for plot...nothing more. The fact that they are bitching about it, tells me that they are no better than everybody else and just want to whine.

That, and money.

It's always about money, isn't it? Maybe I'm reading too much into this, and maybe I'm just bitching about somebody else bitching because I don't know what else to blog about today. But maybe it's also a little extreme to demand monetary compensation for something that was truly harmless and doesn't negatively affect the social standing or moral responsibility of a public institution of religion like the Manchester Cathedral.

The Church of England was only formed so a fat, obnoxious, murdering King could divorce his old wife and marry a new one.




Who should be sued over THAT one? Perhaps divorce offends me. Perhaps I feel that breaking away from the Catholic Church is an affront to God and corrupts my children. Do I get money for that? Can I bitch about that, and demand a public apology? Where's my money, bitches?

Send me a check, Church of England. Make the memo say "Sorry for the hypocrisy". Leave creative design like movies and video games alone, and focus on keeping your hands off altar boys.

"Give me my money, bitches!"

Check out this article which also bitches about Church of England bitching if you would like to hear more.

Paris Fucking Hilton

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Third Wheels

Third wheels.

I know that sounds like a stupid phrase that makes no sense, but it's the best way to accurately describe the situation at dinner tonight. We were third wheels. I know the phrase itself makes you scratch your head and think I'm retarded. It's like that movie Airheads when they called themselves The Lone Rangers...and everybody was like, "How can you be lone? There are three of you. You can't be alone if there are three of you. Shouldn't you be The Three Rangers, instead?". It's kinda like that.




Anyway, I'm off track.

Tonight we went out to dinner at a Japanese Steak House. If you've been to one before, you know how it works. They seat you at a table that surrounds a big stove top where they cook your dinner right before your very eyes....so you can verify you aren't eating cat.

Well, normally the table seats about eight people. So when you arrive, you are seated with total strangers and are forced to either eat in the kind of semi-silence indicative of college sex in the library stacks, or you make idle chit-chat with your dinner mates.

Tonight Jen and I got fucking blindsided by a dinner party of six gorram people.

SIX.

That means that Jen and I were the odd men out, and were forced to sit at a table full of people who came together, and who knew each other, and had stories to tell.

Needless to say, we were fucked. We didn't get to talk to them because they were too busy being loud and obnoxious about their opinions on everything from property values to when it's a good time to have babies.

One of the girls at dinner was so obnoxious, I actually found myself staring at her rather large breasts and thinking to myself, "I wouldn't sleep with this woman. If I were single and she wanted my wonderful male member, I would have to lie and tell her I had the AIDS, or something."

That's how annoying she was. It didn't help that she was LOUD and MADE SURE THAT EVERYTHING SHE SAID WAS AN OCTAVE ABOVE THE WHITE NOISE COMING FROM ALL AROUND US IN THE RESTAURANT.


CAN YOU FUCKING PASS THE SALT, PLEASE? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THERE'S NO SALT? DON'T THEY HAVE SALT IN CHINA? OH, JAPAN...WHATEVER, THEY'RE ALL ASIANS, RIGHT? I LOVE THIS SAUCE HERE, IT REMINDS ME OF THIS TIME IN COLLEGE WHEN WENDY AND I WERE TAKING TURNS LICKING...HEY, WAIT THIS DRINK TASTES FUNNY. WAITRESS-SAN, PLEASE GIVE ME A SODA THAT DOESN'T TASTE FLAT. DO YOU GUYS LIKE EATING HERE?

Er...are you talking to me?

YES! I MAY BE DRUNK AND ANNOYING TONIGHT, JUST FYI.

Really? I just assumed you were always annoying.

HAHAHA, YOU'RE FUNNY. THIS PLACE IS FUN, ISN'T IT?

It used to be.

iGasm

You Will Never See This Coming...

The Sub-Mariner? WTF?!

Well, Hollywood has done it again.

I have always found it unbelievable that Hollywood thinks we are stupid. They must have some sort of crack team of people who do nothing but sit around all day and try to think of new ways to screw us out of our hard-earned money. I don't mind that they have such a think-tank...I mind that these people have no fucking sense of Independence or individuality.

Not to mention the fact that they couldn't come up with an original thought if it came up behind them, bent them over, and rammed their corn hole.

Speaking of anal rape...Hollywood is trying to get up our pants yet again. In their apparently endless quest to exploit anything remotely related to comic books or the Marvel universe...there are rumors spreading around that Hollywood's newest bullshit movie is going to based on.....get this...the Sub-Mariner.




For those of you who didn't watch Saturday morning cartoons as a child, the Sub-Mariner is an obscure and not well liked character from back in the day. He was the Prince of Atlantis who had the ability to breathe underwater and had super strength. NOT the most interesting character, I know. That's why nobody had a Sub-Mariner lunchbox or tee shirt.

He was lame. Not Aquaman lame...but pretty fucking lame. Lame enough to be ignored and forgotten...until now.



Fucking idiots up in Hollywood's movie idea "think" tank have struck again. Keeping themselves out of the unemployment line once again by pitching a movie idea that is just sad. Not just said...fucking sad and lame and a waste of time.

Have we used up SO many good ideas on other media, that we must resort to movies based on obscure comic book characters like the Sub-Mariner? Where is our creative dignity? Where are the ordinal films? Are we really at the end of our rope?

I know that the dick-cheeses up in Hollywood are thinking:

"Well, since X-Men and Spider-Man did so well at the box office six years ago, we should keep making these movies. Let's just keep thrusting comic book heroes down the audience's throats until they vomit up revenue. And once the superhero genre is completely and totally abused and used up like a five dollar whore, we'll turn to a new idea. Get moving on this idea. Call Sam Rami, I'm sure he's not doing anything productive right now."

Fuck.

The goddam Sub-Mariner in a movie. The next thing you know, the idiots will want to make a movie about Wonder Woman.

Oh, yeah. They already fucking ARE. Sweet jebus.

I'm sure that this new movie will flop horribly, even though David B. has already read for the part and would probably make the movie as good as it possibly could be.



I just don't see how anybody could think this was a good idea. Like the Sub-Mariner is going to be a hit? Fucking please. There's a better chance of Paris Hilton being gang-raped in prison....which I'm SO praying for at this point.

Fucking Sub-Mariner. Un-be-fucking-lievable.

232 Posts

Holy fucking shit. I've done 232 posts including this one! I'm not sure what that means, other than I have more free time than I should. Hmm. I should get more hobbies. I only have three right now, but I think I could get more if I just put some effort into it.

Wait...effort? Screw that. I'd rather surf porn.

Speaking of porn. I heard a guy the other day refer to it as "porno". I know that term was highly utilized back in the 70's and 80's but I thought it had died out like Anna Nicole Smith. Ohhhhhhh was that too soon? I'm sorry.

Wait, no I'm not. It's not an insult to say a dead person is dead...is it? Whatever, I'm over it.

Anyway, the word "porno" seems a little too retro for my taste. It actually made it feel dirtier to me. Tell me that isn't fucked up. The fact that when a person says "porn" I think it's ok and sexy and fun and completely innocent. But if they mention porno I think about hairy people and dirty things. Not good dirty...you know, the icky dirty. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

I'm not sure why. It's kinda like saying "panties". For some reason, that word doesn't sit well with me. I'm not saying I think it's a bad word, or gross or anything. I just don't use it and it sounds alien to me when somebody else does.

Seriously, I have no idea why.

So basically if you were to say to me, "I was watching this porno last night and the star had on these yellow panties that made me so hot" I would probably walk away from you and if you didn't read this blog you would have no understanding as to why I just ditched you.

Confused

Am I alone in this? Does anybody else have any words that make them feel icky inside? Porno, panties, feminine juices, discharge, bleeding anus...these words and phrases just don't make me feel happy. I actually cringed when I typed them.

Strange.

At least I'm not wary of normal words. Can you imagine the poor bastard who was icky around the word "the" ??? What a horrible life that would be. His emails would be so hard to read because he'd have to leave out all of the "the" words:

Dear Mike,

I was reading new proposal, and it looks great. only thing I would change would be font. I think that font could be a little bigger and reason for this is words are hard to read. Don't forget meeting we have tomorrow about party on Friday.

Jim


It would be pretty funny, though. Especially if you worked with the guy, and knew his problem. I would so fuck with him on a weekly basis. I'm not sure HOW I would fuck with him, but I'm sure I'd think of something.

Open Letter to AirTran Airways

Dear Fucktards,

I wanted to take a moment of my time to inform you of how wonderful your airline is. Not only did you barely get me to my destination, but you did it with such contemptuous flair that I can't wait to not fly your airline again in the future.

First, a word about your ticket agents. While I find it noble that you choose to hire your attendants from the shallow end of the gene pool, and even though I do believe in equal rights for trailer-trash and ghetto-bots, I think in the future it might benefit your business if you were to choose the non-rude bitches that you currently employ.

The way in which they yelled at passengers who were on stand-by status was awesome. It made me feel right at home, to have a hand thrust in my face in a circa 1996 "get outta my face" gesture while asking for flight info. Truly, a wondrous training program you must have. My personal favorite part of waiting for my flight was when the ticket agent screamed at a passenger to "sit his ass down"....that was classy at its best.

Speaking of ticketing...I think it's great that you'll take anybody's money, no matter how many people book a flight. It helps out travelers, to know that even though the flight only holds 150 people, AirTran chooses to book over 250 passengers. This probably ensures you don't go belly-up and your stock stays out of the proverbial toilet...so that must make it OK.

Good job.

A quick word about your planes: wow. Just...wow. I am SO happy that those planes from the 1970's are still in circulation. I saw the movie The Love Bug, after all so I know that all vehicles have souls and get sad when not in use. How noble and kind of you to ensure those old, forgotten plans get another chance to shine with the new, "safe" planes.

I can't speak for all of us, but I love being on a two hour flight while the entire plane shakes all around me. Remember that loud "clang" noise on flight 435 out of Atlanta? That was rad. The way the people around me quaked with fear and started praying gave me warm fuzzies.

Well played.

In short, your "get you there, or die tryin" mentally for air travel is superb. Your "sit down and shut up, or I will MAKE you shut up" attitude of your ticket agents is the best. And your "I should have been decommissioned in 1978" airplanes are a great way to cut costs and keep making money.

I know that you retards don't understand sarcasm...so I'm sending this letter to you, as it is. My hope is that somebody reads it and actually sounds out most of the words enough to warrant a phone call to me to apologize for the bullshit I've put up with recently.

To say I'm not going to fly your airline again would be the biggest understatement of the decade. I'll be posting this letter to my website, so everybody who reads my blog may know about your incompetence and rude qualities, and hopefully they will avoid your "airline" in the future. If I save just one life or piece of lost luggage, I've done my job.

I hope you go out of business soon.

Hugs and kisses,
Shanshu

I'm a bastard

This is the part, where I tell you I SUCK. Then you tell me I TOTALLY SUCK.

Then I say I'm sorry.

Then you pretend to forgive me, even though in your heart of hearts, all you can think to yourself is "The nerves of this guy. What a fucktard, to think he can try to squirm his way back into my virtual pants of blogger. Fuck him!"

You know you're thinking something like that. That's assuming you're reading this, at all. The sad truth is, you're right. I'm totally an asshole for leaving you all hanging for so long.

My excuses are as follows:

1. My job lay-off.

I know that this seems like a bullshit excuse, but since I've been off work I've had extra time on my hands...and you would THINK this would ensure a daily post or at the very least some comments on other blogs. Surprisingly, this is not the case. As it turns out, my best posts came from a lack of work to do while I sat in my corporate servitude dwindling away the hours.

Now that I'm at home and have other things on my agenda, blogging seems to take a back-seat.

I know, I know. That sounds bitchy and it seems like I don't care about my readers. SO not true...I just need to spend more time blogging, now that I'm not sitting bored in a cubicle all day.

2. Golf

OK, I'm sorry. I've been golfing a lot lately. The weather has been good, and my balls are going where they're supposed to....right in your girlfriend's mouth.

WOOT!

OK, seriously. I've been having a swell time with the golf thing these past 2 weeks, and while my scores have improved and my farmer's tan is well on its way to winning a Redneck Award, I still feel bad that I haven't spent much time indoors to post on occasion.

3. Saying goodbye to the single life

Yep. Sad to say to all my group bunny fans out there, but Shanshu has effectively taken himself off the market. That means I can't pleasure some of you the way in which you're accustomed to...and that includes your mom.



I totally proposed. She totally said yes. We're totally engaged.

Double WOOT.

So needless to say, that's taken up some of my time lately, as we've had to tell family and friends and start looking at churches and buy wedding books and watch bullshit sappy wedding shows on TLC that make me want to puke up my own spleen.

Guess who's idea the wedding shows are.




In any case, I've been up to my large testes in stuff to do around here, and blogging hasn't entered into my daily "To Do" list.

It's a fucking shame, and I mean to rectify the situation. I'm going out of town tomorrow to visit my buddy PJ in Atlanta.

BUT...when I return, I promise to do my best to keep up with the blogging and keep you all entertained to the best of my ability. Either that, or I'll post pictures of naughty things or whatever.

Please don't leave me. I love you all.

Hugs and kisses on all your pink parts,

Shanshu

:)

The "Fuck You" of the Week

This guy is my new hero. Apparantly, Verizon Wireless quoted him a price of .002 CENTS per each kilobyte of wireless usage while in Canada. They charged him .002 DOLLARS, instead. Obviously the dollar amount is correct, but the fact that Verizon REFUSES to admit a difference between dollars and cents is.....FUCKING HILARIOUS.

So listen to the video below. It's his actual call into Verizon to clarify the situaion and explain simple math to them. It's priceless.



THEN check out the picture below. It's his payment to Verizon after all this crap is over with. Be sure to read the memo.

Classic.

Cabin Air Filters and Bullshit

So, I took my car in for an oil change the other day. Nothing special, just your everyday, run-of-the-mill* oil change service appointment. I am usually not particular about where I get my oil changed, so usually it's just random where I end up going. For this particular time, it was Jiffylube.

I took my car in, and sat in the waiting room watching women's downhill skiing on the complementary TV. Besides the fact that we were watching women's downhill skiing, the other thing that sucked complete ass was the fact that the waiting room was colder than...than the snow that you use to ski downhill, like in women's downhill skiing for instance.

Cold and obscure sporting events aside, the wait wasn't long so that was good. Soon I had one of the grease-laden Jiffy employees coming to greet me in the waiting room of ice. I noticed that he was carrying an air filter under his arm as he sat down beside me.

Oh, shit.


JiffyBoy: Hey there, guy. Just wanted to let you know that the oil change looks good, and your car is doing fine.

Me: Well, that's good. We were all worried. How's she feeling after the procedure?

JiffyBoy: Uh...fine. You have a Honda, and those cars are built not to need maintenance. Besides the oil change, there's not much else we have to do!

Me: Yeah, well I'm sure you'll think of something.

JiffyBoy: Your air filter looks good, so we don't need to change that.

Me: Really? You oil change places always try to get me to replace my air filter! Are you sure it doesn't need to be replaced? Are you feeling ok?

JiffyBoy: No, no. The air filter is fine.

Me: So...why are you holding one?

JiffyBoy: Oh, this is your cabin air filter. And as you can see, it's dirty.

Me: Eh? My what?

JiffyBoy: Your cabin air filter. It's dirty.

Me: You lost me. What's a cabin air filter?

JiffyBoy: It's the air filter for your cabin.

Me: My cabin? You mean the thing at the front of airplanes?

JiffyBoy: Yeah, except this cabin is for your car.

Me: So...by "cabin" you are referring to the inside of my car?

JiffyBoy: Yes. Anyway, your cabin filter is dirty, so we can go ahead and replace that for you.

Me: Ahh that sounds more like the JiffyLube I've come to know. Now we're back to normalcy. No, I don't need my interior car air filter replaced, thanks.

JiffyBoy: It's a CABIN air filter, and it should be replaced. It's important to your breathing.

Me: My breathing? It filters the air INSIDE my cabin, correct?

JiffyBoy: Exactly!

Me: So, would you say it's safe to say that this air filter device helps to screen out the negative particles in the air that is present within my car interior?

JiffyBoy: It's a CABIN, but yes that about sums it up.

Me: So, we can therefore state that the air filter in question is filtering the air that comes into my car from the outside? You're saying this helps to filter the outside air that travels into the comfort of my driving cabin.

JiffyBoy: Yes!

Me: That's stupid.

JiffyBoy: What?

Me: That's stupid. You can't filter the "outside" air. That's just...air! You can't filter regular air. It's not like the air filter is going to save me from smog or smoke or pollen. The second I open my car door, I'm breathing it in again.

JiffyBoy: Yes, but while you're driving you'll be breathing better. Trust me, it makes sense and you want to do this. It's only $31.99 to replace it.

Me: No. Go away.

JiffyBoy: But...

Me: No, no. I don't want it. I like to breathe air. It's been good to me, and we've been together since I was a baby. I like it just the way it is. Please don't take away my childhood.

JiffyBoy: Fine. But if you stop breathing one day, it'll be the air filter being dirty that kills you.

Me: Noted.


Needless to say, I did not purchase the $32 "cabin air filter" that they suggested. I called up some friends and nobody else had ever heard of a cabin air filter, either. So I'm not just stupid or ignorant of a car's inner workings.

It was just lame. If this happens to you, be strong and JUST SAY NO TO CABIN AIR FILTERS!






*What the hell does "run-of-the-mill" mean,anyway? Where did we get that saying?

This Sucks

You know, for a long time I've day-dreamed about what it would be like to NOT have to go into the office day after day. I would sit in my cubicle and imagine how great it would be if I could just leave the office and go play. I would think about playing golf or shopping or going out to eat with friends and family. I thought about all of the projects I would get done, and how much fun it would be to be outside and enjoying the world around me.

Yet here I sit.

The fucking weather is not cooperating with my time off work plans. Everyday it has been cold and rainy and cloudy and depressing. I've found myself cooped up in my apartment with no real plans and nothing exciting to do.

Good thing I have the Wii to keep me occupied. But even that starts to get old, after a while. I find myself being BORED while I'm off work and that just sickens me. I can't believe I finally got my dream of having time off work...and I have nothing to show for it.

This fucking sucks.

What kind of things should I do to occupy my time? Any thoughts?

Wii Tennis

The Nintendo Wii is TOO much fun.




Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

How I spent my "Take This Job and Shove it" Bonus Money

Can't talk right now.


Busy.


:)

OMG! I am unemployed!

"Shanshu, why haven't you been posting lately?"

Because I'm out of a fucking job, that's why! Back up off my nuts!!!

Yes, kiddies. It's true. I have been laid off from my job.

Ok, I might be making this out to be more dramatic than it really is. Truth be told, I am out of a job...but I asked for it. I was laid off. Actually, I requested to be laid off. It's called voluntary separation, and it's actually a pretty sweet deal.

See, my company (who I'm not sure for legal reasons if I can talk about...so I won't, to be safe) has been doing a lot of lay-offs for the past few years. It's been a struggle and many people have found themselves on the end of a pink slip.

To combat this, my company started a program where the employees CHOOSE whether or not they want to be laid off, and they "bribe" them to do so, in order to free up capital and decrease the worker population without people feeling like they got fired, or whatever.

The "bribe" for me is 4 months paid, standard. I get paid for the next four months, as if I was still working. I also get a bonus, and any vacation time unused for 2007 gets sent to me in form of money. I also get to keep my benefits for the next four months, along with other perks I have.

You wanna know the best part? If I find another job next week...my company will continue to pay me my severance package.

Mutha-fuckin-WOOT!

So in theory, I could have 2 paychecks for the next four months, if I find a new job soon enough.

Pretty sweet deal, like I said.

I'm not upset about it. I wasn't happy in my job, and I didn't feel like I had any meaning, and I wasn't going anywhere, and my team was awful, and blah blah blah whatever, I'm out.

I'm fucking out, yo.

I am the master of my destiny! I fear nobody! I will grab hold of fate and shake the shit out of it while shouting to the skies "I am ME!"

Or something like that.

People keep asking me what I plan to do with myself now that I don't have to work. I keep telling them, that I have an idea of what I am going to do in about 2 weeks, but for now I plan to enjoy my time off and take advantage of the lack of work. Get my chi back, you know? Slowly puke out the stress that has sat within me for months, and become ME again.

It's time to be Zen about this whole thing.

My future plans involve Playstation, golf, and Chinese buffet. I haven't thought much past that, to be honest.

I'll have free time on my hands the next few weeks. Send me sympathy to the comments. Send me lots of comments. I want 2 per, person!!

Show me the love!

Brilliant Ideas That Will Probably Never Be Realized

Heated Roads

Seriously. We could install metal conducing coils into the cement when we build a new road that connect to a central heating hub under the city. Kick out those damn dirty rats and “forgotten men” in the sewers and make a “Highway Heating and Power” company down there. When the winter is upon us, and the weather turns nasty, The HHP goes to work.

If snow and ice and sleet start to fall onto our precious roadways...the coils in the cement are activated, effectively heating the road! This means the ice and snow can't stay in their frozen molecular state, and will melt away as water and will not cause us to slide around like dogs in the back of a van.

Brilliant!

"Auto-Off Commercials" Option

I would pay for this service. I fucking hate 95% of the commercials I see/hear/read every single day. They make my brain hurt. Fucking marketing people trying to get into my head like little greedy leeches. They must be stopped!

Argh! Get out of my brain! I don’t want to buy a car from Beep-Beep.com! Aaaaaaaaa! Get that damn song out of my head! I hate you! HATE YOU!

Anyway. Wouldn’t it be great, if we had a way to “turn off” commercials? We could have each radio and television service provide us with the “Commercials Off” option. What happens is, you turn your radio/TV to “Commercials off” mode when you are not in the mood for commercials. When a commercial comes on, you get nothing but pleasant visuals and audio music worthy of the nicer hotel elevators.

So instead of mindless, annoying jingles and brainwashing techniques…you get Musak and flowers. Ahhhh.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: The commercial companies and networks would never allow this. Oh, YES they would….because the monthly service fee for the “Commercials Off” option is $5.00, bitches.

See? Everybody is happy. The network gets our money, and we don’t get dumber by listening to the “bikini wax jingle”.

Brilliant!

Shock Collars for Management

Oh, hell yes. You know you would sign off on this. We put collars on our management, and whenever an employee is upset with their leadership, they go to HR and push their manager’s big red button. This big red button sends a mild electric shock (similar to the static charge you get from touching the door handle in winter) to your manager to ZAP them to attention.

Eventually, if the manger keeps getting shocked enough…they’ll learn to be nicer to their employees and make some policy changes.

Brilliant!

Gatorade Alcoholic Drinks

I’ve mentioned this before, in a much older post. But it’s still a good idea. We make an alcoholic drink that is mixed with Gatorade to help us stay hydrated and keep our electrolytes up, to help minimize hangovers and icky headaches.

So while you’re drinking alcohol and depleting vitamins such as B12 and B6….you are drinking Gatorade at the same time, which replenishes those lost vitamins. It all balances out, hence no negative effects.

Brilliant!

Best Classified Ad Ever

Best in Show: Shanshu

Click the picture above to see my bling

Well, the results are in and it's official: I am now somebody's favorite blog. For a while now, fellow blogger and Kansas native Ookami Snow has been having a tournament of sorts, for the Blog Bracket, as I like to call it. He lined up a bunch of blogs he read on a daily basis, and put them into a bracket worth of the NCAA. Then he would have each blog pair up with a rival, and see who won for that week. It was awesome, and a great idea, and I hope he does something similar in the future.

Check out the blog bracket here.

The competition was stiff, and the drama was real. But in the end, Dust-Slaying Nano Shurikens of Doom Redux ended up the victor, and all blogs must now bow before my mighty keyboard of death!

Woot. Fuckin' A. Word. Hellz yah. RESPECT!

It's an honor to win such an award...or rather, such a title. I'd like to dedicate this victory to all of the people and things that made this blog what it is, today:

First off, a big thanks to God. Without Him, nothing would exist and that includes blogs, so technically this win is all because He took the time to make blogs, annoying people, and celebrities. Oh, and He also took the time to create irony and famine. Awesome.

Secondly, I'd like to thank the people who read this blog. Yes, you know who you are...because you're reading this right now. Yes, you are. Don't fucking lie to me. You're reading this, and you enjoy it...so thank you.

I'd also like to thank all the stupid celebrities and idiots in Hollywood that occasionally give me something to make fun of, or vent about. Without your pretentiousness and ability to shield your eyes from the real world, I would on occasion be forced to post something about the un-ending winter or the lack of smart people in my office. So, kudos to all the Anna-Nicole-Britney-Paris-Bastards out there in the world. Thank you.

...

...

I'd also like to give a shout out to my producer. I don't actually have one...but every speech I've ever heard has this person included in the "shout out" portion of the acceptance speech, so I get one, too. Shouts out to my producer.

Most of all, I'd like to thank Blogger. You give us all a space on the Internet to vent our problems, annoyances, our pictures, our stories...our lives. You rock, even if you sold out to Google. Don't feel bad, though. I'm sure if Google offered me enough money, I would be bent over a desk wearing an apron and saying "Thank you, Google may I have another?".

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Nothing but love, Blogger. Nothin' but luv.

I accept this title as "New Favorite Blog" and I will do my best to see that I do not sully the name of this great title, and do my best to post interesting things about my life, my frustrations, or anything I think will make you smile.

Sometimes I might post whatever I want, though...so, just expect that. You know, I might just decide to make a post about shower farts, or something. That's how I roll.

Oh, and I may tell you sex stories, or other tales of group bunny debauchery.

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Anyway, I'm a favorite blog, now. Recognize my authority. It is to be feared, if not respected.

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I fucking rule, yo.

Chipotle

I started this rant on Ookami's site and I decided to keep it going over here.

I love Chipotle. It's one of my favorite places to go, to get fast food. Those burritos are little wrapped bundles of orgasm with a side of sauce that gives me a happy with every bite. The store, the atmosphere, the speed with which they create my food...all of it is muy bueno and deserves our respect.

If you haven't had a Chipotle burrito, slap yourself on the hand for being out of touch with the world around you, and be sure to swing by your local Chipotle store sometime in the near future to experience the joygasm.

Ok, I'm done with my propaganda. Now let's get to the heart of the matter.

Some people can't pronounce "Chipotle". Since I speak Spanish and have been to both Mexico and Spain, I can safely say that I understand the language and know how to pronounce certain words. I also understand that not everybody speaks Spanish...so I try not to judge too harshly.

HOWEVER....

When I explain to a person the correct way to pronounce a word, and they tell me I'm WRONG...it makes me want to rip their spine out, through their stupid mouth. I effing hate being told I'm wrong, when I know 100% in my heart that I am correct.

Now, everybody THINKS they're right, all the time. We hate to be proven wrong, and I understand that. But dude, seriously....the correct way to pronounce "Adios" is NOT "Aaae DEE os" like some people think. People misuse foreign words way too often*, for my taste. It bugs me, because it just boils down to a lack of knowledge and a lazy attitude.

*Oh, and just so we're clear on something: "queso cheese" is not some special Mexican cheese. It's just cheese. If you say "queso cheese" you're saying "cheese cheese". It's as retarded as saying "ATM machine" or "RSVP Please". It's annoying when you do it, so...stop it.

Anyway. I know some people who pronounce "Chipotle" as "chee POLL TEE" because they are morons. They reverse the "t" and the "l" and create their own new word and it makes my butt itch every time I hear it.

It's pronounced "chee-POHT-leh", people. Sound out the letters and use your phonics properly. Chee poht leh. Say it out loud: chee poht leh.

Good.

You want proof that I'm correct? Fine. Here's your proof:

Proof #1

Proof #2

There. Now you have proof. So the next time you hear somebody say the word "Chipotle" wrong, you can point them here and tell them to get with the knowledge and stop saying words wrong.

:)

Thus endeth the lesson.

***

I had sent a comment to Chipotle asking them to tell me if I was correct in my pronunciation of the word "Chipotle". Here is what I wrote to them:

Dear Chipotle,

I have a question, and I can't seem to find the answer in the FAQ so maybe you can help me. My question is one of pronunciation. I have always pronounced Chipotle as "chee-poht-leh" because that is how it would be pronounced in Mexico, and I didn't take all those years of high school Spanish for nothing! I know some people who pronounce the word "chee-poll-tee" because they are insane, apparantly. Will you please tell me I'm right, and they are WRONG so I can brag to them, and feel all superior?

Thanks!

Shanshu

And if you believe it, they actually replied:

Shanshu,

You are correct. American English speakers have difficulty with the "TL" sound, and they always switch it in our name, incorrectly, to "LT".

Sincerely,

Joe Stupp

Manager, Duct Tape and Plungers

Chipotle

So...HA! Proof #3, and the best one, yet. Nobody is allowed to say Chipotle wrong to me, from now on! Woot!

Retro Re-post: Chain Letters

I'm doing a retro re-post today, because of a CHAIN LETTER I received this morning. The letter told me if I forwarded the email to 20 people, some computer company would send me a new laptop for a PR stunt. Oh Lord, save me from stupid. Since it was my girlfriend's mother who sent it to me, I couldn't really lay into her for sending me a chain letter, like I would if one of my friends did it. So instead I will vent to my bloggerverse buddies via a previous post I did, back in the day. Enjoy.

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There are certain things in this world that piss me off to the point of crazy. Mostly, it involves the stupidity of other people and their desire to rub their dumb off onto me like some sort of infectious disease. I feel it is my duty to share my rage with the world, in the hopes that at least one person will be saved from the onslaught of retarded people who try to pull us down to their level of lame on a daily basis. They can’t be stopped, but at least they can be avoided with some careful maneuvering.

Today’s stupid people rant will be about CHAIN LETTERS.

I hate chain letters. I hate them in the face. I hate them so much, that every time one of my “intelligent” friends or loved ones forwards one on to me, I lose a little bit more faith in my society, and its system of social evolution.

How can a person who considers themselves to be a smart member of our society really believe that there are African princes out there who are trying to give away their fortune for the low price of $199.95? How do these people not fall down more often?

Here is the chain letter that I received this morning, along with the explanation as to why it’s bogus.

It really makes my butt itch, when my friends and family send this crap to me. I shake my fists to the skies and curse the person who started the chain, and pray that they do not have the physiological capacity for reproduction so they cannot burden us with their idiocy any longer. National Blood Initiation Day? Fucking lame. So lame, it limps. How could somebody I know fall for this crap?

The thing that really gets me about chain letters, is that it dupes smart people into believing them. Once a smart person starts to believe a dumb person, it’s all over for our way of life. The fabric will start to unravel, and our world falls into chaos. Chain letters do nothing but spread the “stupid disease”, and cause intelligent people to run out and do stupid things. How many people do you know who ran out and bought a home generator and a year’s supply of food before Y2K? Do you know how lame that was? UBER LAME. I guarantee some idiot hacker thought it would be funny to start some sort of anti-information chain letter about how the world is going to explode when Y2K happens and it caused a ton of smart people to buy into his bullshit and cause panic in the streets.

Argh.

The problem with chain letters, is that they never make it sound too fake. They give you just enough bullshit, wrapped with some truth in the hopes that you will buy into the lie and forward the letter and infect more people with the hoax. I’ve decided that aliens are going to take over our planet, and they’re trying to make as many of us turn stupid before the invasion as they can. Their weapon? Chain letters filled with bogus information and crap to make our brains shrink up and die within our skulls.

So, for my friends and family, who I love and protect…let me clear a few things up for you, in regards to chain mail:



-95% of all chain emails you receive are bogus. Accept this as fact, and you’ll be fine.

-There are no princes in Africa that are willing to give you $100,000 if you buy them a plane ticket to Florida on your credit card.

-No matter how many people you forward an email to, there will never be a video that pops up to reward you afterwards….ever.

-Big companies like Microsoft, Subway, Ford, Starbucks, etc. will never send out a chain letter that says something along the lines of “please forward this to 100 people and we’ll give you money” . This will never happen.

-Abstinence from chain emails is the only way to be safe.

-No matter how many people’s names are on an email chain, it will never: drop the price of gasoline, withdraw our troops from Iraq, or save a life.

-If the police are worried about something that is a threat to you, they will not rely on email chains to inform you. They’ll do something crazy like…make a public announcement, or involve your local news team.

-If the email contains the words “This is not fake!” or “This is for real” then you can be positive that it IS fake and that it is NOT real.



Hopefully, somebody out there will read this and change their ways. With any luck, the next time one of you receives a chain email that makes some ridiculous claim and uses buzz words and official looking data, you’ll know the truth and do the right thing…delete it and then beat the person who sent it to you over the head with a rubber chicken.

We must fight the stupidity, people. We must put a stop to this spread of dumb that is seeping into our brains through idiotic crap like chain letters!!! Fight the spread! Stop the insanity!



Now please forward this to at least 10 people, so we can save Timmy's life and then a video will pop up on your screen. Don't forget to send me $19.95 so we can cure cancer.