Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Open Letter to AirTran Airways

Dear Fucktards,

I wanted to take a moment of my time to inform you of how wonderful your airline is. Not only did you barely get me to my destination, but you did it with such contemptuous flair that I can't wait to not fly your airline again in the future.

First, a word about your ticket agents. While I find it noble that you choose to hire your attendants from the shallow end of the gene pool, and even though I do believe in equal rights for trailer-trash and ghetto-bots, I think in the future it might benefit your business if you were to choose the non-rude bitches that you currently employ.

The way in which they yelled at passengers who were on stand-by status was awesome. It made me feel right at home, to have a hand thrust in my face in a circa 1996 "get outta my face" gesture while asking for flight info. Truly, a wondrous training program you must have. My personal favorite part of waiting for my flight was when the ticket agent screamed at a passenger to "sit his ass down"....that was classy at its best.

Speaking of ticketing...I think it's great that you'll take anybody's money, no matter how many people book a flight. It helps out travelers, to know that even though the flight only holds 150 people, AirTran chooses to book over 250 passengers. This probably ensures you don't go belly-up and your stock stays out of the proverbial that must make it OK.

Good job.

A quick word about your planes: wow. I am SO happy that those planes from the 1970's are still in circulation. I saw the movie The Love Bug, after all so I know that all vehicles have souls and get sad when not in use. How noble and kind of you to ensure those old, forgotten plans get another chance to shine with the new, "safe" planes.

I can't speak for all of us, but I love being on a two hour flight while the entire plane shakes all around me. Remember that loud "clang" noise on flight 435 out of Atlanta? That was rad. The way the people around me quaked with fear and started praying gave me warm fuzzies.

Well played.

In short, your "get you there, or die tryin" mentally for air travel is superb. Your "sit down and shut up, or I will MAKE you shut up" attitude of your ticket agents is the best. And your "I should have been decommissioned in 1978" airplanes are a great way to cut costs and keep making money.

I know that you retards don't understand I'm sending this letter to you, as it is. My hope is that somebody reads it and actually sounds out most of the words enough to warrant a phone call to me to apologize for the bullshit I've put up with recently.

To say I'm not going to fly your airline again would be the biggest understatement of the decade. I'll be posting this letter to my website, so everybody who reads my blog may know about your incompetence and rude qualities, and hopefully they will avoid your "airline" in the future. If I save just one life or piece of lost luggage, I've done my job.

I hope you go out of business soon.

Hugs and kisses,


Crabby said...

Oh, I do so hope you're also going to post their reply. LOL! This oughta be good.

btw, I've never heard of this airline. But you can bet in the future if it turns up, I won't be booking a flight on it.

Anonymous said...

LMAO Since I have been on flights similar to this one you experienced, I have to expressed it well my friend. Hope you had fun in Atlanta between the shitty travel. I'm hoping some interesting Shan and PJ stories will surface soon...after you give this post its due time in the limelight of course. ~Linds

Arlene said...

This is some hilarious shit!!! Not what happened to you, but your delivery!!

MsLittlePea said...

Hilarious. I bet you'll get one of those stupid "Your business is very important to us, thanks for the input" emails.

Think Frustrated said...

I really hope you send this exact letter to them. It's how I would write it. Fucktards. Be sure that's included.