Friday, March 16, 2007

Retro Re-post: Chain Letters

I'm doing a retro re-post today, because of a CHAIN LETTER I received this morning. The letter told me if I forwarded the email to 20 people, some computer company would send me a new laptop for a PR stunt. Oh Lord, save me from stupid. Since it was my girlfriend's mother who sent it to me, I couldn't really lay into her for sending me a chain letter, like I would if one of my friends did it. So instead I will vent to my bloggerverse buddies via a previous post I did, back in the day. Enjoy.


There are certain things in this world that piss me off to the point of crazy. Mostly, it involves the stupidity of other people and their desire to rub their dumb off onto me like some sort of infectious disease. I feel it is my duty to share my rage with the world, in the hopes that at least one person will be saved from the onslaught of retarded people who try to pull us down to their level of lame on a daily basis. They can’t be stopped, but at least they can be avoided with some careful maneuvering.

Today’s stupid people rant will be about CHAIN LETTERS.

I hate chain letters. I hate them in the face. I hate them so much, that every time one of my “intelligent” friends or loved ones forwards one on to me, I lose a little bit more faith in my society, and its system of social evolution.

How can a person who considers themselves to be a smart member of our society really believe that there are African princes out there who are trying to give away their fortune for the low price of $199.95? How do these people not fall down more often?

Here is the chain letter that I received this morning, along with the explanation as to why it’s bogus.

It really makes my butt itch, when my friends and family send this crap to me. I shake my fists to the skies and curse the person who started the chain, and pray that they do not have the physiological capacity for reproduction so they cannot burden us with their idiocy any longer. National Blood Initiation Day? Fucking lame. So lame, it limps. How could somebody I know fall for this crap?

The thing that really gets me about chain letters, is that it dupes smart people into believing them. Once a smart person starts to believe a dumb person, it’s all over for our way of life. The fabric will start to unravel, and our world falls into chaos. Chain letters do nothing but spread the “stupid disease”, and cause intelligent people to run out and do stupid things. How many people do you know who ran out and bought a home generator and a year’s supply of food before Y2K? Do you know how lame that was? UBER LAME. I guarantee some idiot hacker thought it would be funny to start some sort of anti-information chain letter about how the world is going to explode when Y2K happens and it caused a ton of smart people to buy into his bullshit and cause panic in the streets.


The problem with chain letters, is that they never make it sound too fake. They give you just enough bullshit, wrapped with some truth in the hopes that you will buy into the lie and forward the letter and infect more people with the hoax. I’ve decided that aliens are going to take over our planet, and they’re trying to make as many of us turn stupid before the invasion as they can. Their weapon? Chain letters filled with bogus information and crap to make our brains shrink up and die within our skulls.

So, for my friends and family, who I love and protect…let me clear a few things up for you, in regards to chain mail:

-95% of all chain emails you receive are bogus. Accept this as fact, and you’ll be fine.

-There are no princes in Africa that are willing to give you $100,000 if you buy them a plane ticket to Florida on your credit card.

-No matter how many people you forward an email to, there will never be a video that pops up to reward you afterwards….ever.

-Big companies like Microsoft, Subway, Ford, Starbucks, etc. will never send out a chain letter that says something along the lines of “please forward this to 100 people and we’ll give you money” . This will never happen.

-Abstinence from chain emails is the only way to be safe.

-No matter how many people’s names are on an email chain, it will never: drop the price of gasoline, withdraw our troops from Iraq, or save a life.

-If the police are worried about something that is a threat to you, they will not rely on email chains to inform you. They’ll do something crazy like…make a public announcement, or involve your local news team.

-If the email contains the words “This is not fake!” or “This is for real” then you can be positive that it IS fake and that it is NOT real.

Hopefully, somebody out there will read this and change their ways. With any luck, the next time one of you receives a chain email that makes some ridiculous claim and uses buzz words and official looking data, you’ll know the truth and do the right thing…delete it and then beat the person who sent it to you over the head with a rubber chicken.

We must fight the stupidity, people. We must put a stop to this spread of dumb that is seeping into our brains through idiotic crap like chain letters!!! Fight the spread! Stop the insanity!

Now please forward this to at least 10 people, so we can save Timmy's life and then a video will pop up on your screen. Don't forget to send me $19.95 so we can cure cancer.


Steven Novak said...

I got the same letter...

The laptop is pretty sweeeeeettttttttt.

Shame you didn't take it more seriously. ;)


Shanshu said...

Suuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrre it is!


MsLittlePea said...

OMG I hate those f- things. What about the prayer one that say at the end if you don't forward it, the devil wins and you're a shitty Christian. I keep getting them from family members and how do you tell someone,"Stop praying for me and stop sending me those emails about God," without them thinking you're complete heathen since they already think you need 'spiritual' help since they thought of you to send you that email in the first place? It'll just encourage them...

Jen said...

When I was in the 2nd grade, I broke some chain letter that was supposed to give me 7 years of bad luck in love. I didn't have a real boyfriend until the 9th grade. Coincidence? I think not.

This is a true story.

Shanshu said...

Jen, you're part of the problem.

That's all I'm sayin'.