Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Brilliant Ideas That Will Probably Never Be Realized

Heated Roads

Seriously. We could install metal conducing coils into the cement when we build a new road that connect to a central heating hub under the city. Kick out those damn dirty rats and “forgotten men” in the sewers and make a “Highway Heating and Power” company down there. When the winter is upon us, and the weather turns nasty, The HHP goes to work.

If snow and ice and sleet start to fall onto our precious roadways...the coils in the cement are activated, effectively heating the road! This means the ice and snow can't stay in their frozen molecular state, and will melt away as water and will not cause us to slide around like dogs in the back of a van.


"Auto-Off Commercials" Option

I would pay for this service. I fucking hate 95% of the commercials I see/hear/read every single day. They make my brain hurt. Fucking marketing people trying to get into my head like little greedy leeches. They must be stopped!

Argh! Get out of my brain! I don’t want to buy a car from Beep-Beep.com! Aaaaaaaaa! Get that damn song out of my head! I hate you! HATE YOU!

Anyway. Wouldn’t it be great, if we had a way to “turn off” commercials? We could have each radio and television service provide us with the “Commercials Off” option. What happens is, you turn your radio/TV to “Commercials off” mode when you are not in the mood for commercials. When a commercial comes on, you get nothing but pleasant visuals and audio music worthy of the nicer hotel elevators.

So instead of mindless, annoying jingles and brainwashing techniques…you get Musak and flowers. Ahhhh.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: The commercial companies and networks would never allow this. Oh, YES they would….because the monthly service fee for the “Commercials Off” option is $5.00, bitches.

See? Everybody is happy. The network gets our money, and we don’t get dumber by listening to the “bikini wax jingle”.


Shock Collars for Management

Oh, hell yes. You know you would sign off on this. We put collars on our management, and whenever an employee is upset with their leadership, they go to HR and push their manager’s big red button. This big red button sends a mild electric shock (similar to the static charge you get from touching the door handle in winter) to your manager to ZAP them to attention.

Eventually, if the manger keeps getting shocked enough…they’ll learn to be nicer to their employees and make some policy changes.


Gatorade Alcoholic Drinks

I’ve mentioned this before, in a much older post. But it’s still a good idea. We make an alcoholic drink that is mixed with Gatorade to help us stay hydrated and keep our electrolytes up, to help minimize hangovers and icky headaches.

So while you’re drinking alcohol and depleting vitamins such as B12 and B6….you are drinking Gatorade at the same time, which replenishes those lost vitamins. It all balances out, hence no negative effects.



Ookami Snow said...

Would you pat $5 per channel per day of no ads? Plus another $5 for radio, and another $5 for newspaper and so on?

I would rather have a relatively free existence and just ignore the ads. For me if the adds get too annoying I just shot off the TV and do something else.

But if we are talking about things that will never be, i would like to see soda bottles filled with "blanks" and then you mix the flavors yourself from flavor packets that you buy/get with the blank soda. That would be cool.

Shanshu said...

Mix Your Own Soda? Brilliant!

Did you ever mix sodas when you were a kid? We called them "suicides" and we would go to the drink dispensers at places like Burger King and we would mix every flavor soda together....mmm good times.

Think Frustrated said...

I totally thought of the heated roads thing, totally independent of you, a few years ago. Sometimes, roads will just melt becuase the sewer line, which is warm, is relatively close to the surface. We could just run hot stink through those pipes, which wouldn't use more energy.

Plus, I love the picture. I think it's "Brilliant" to have Guinness in bottles with little CO2 packs in them to get the proper taste.

MsLittlePea said...

With the presidential election coming up and all, have you thought about running? You could focus your entire campaign around these very issues....

Valerie said...

I don't think we ever called the mixed drinks "suicides," but we definitely did it. To this day, if I see Minute Maid Lemonade and diet Coke are both available, I mix 'em. Good stuff!

Um...can you please get the shock collars into production soon? I could REALLY use that right now...

Arlene said...

I have a DVR. I guess that's as close to auto off as we'll get for now!
I love the shock collar for management idea!!!

DaMasta said...

SUICIDES!! YUMM!!! man..i remember that.. :) I would totally invest in the alcoholic gatorade idea, fo sho.. i am always (oop) drinking during the week.. that would help tremendously!