Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Cabin Air Filters and Bullshit
So, I took my car in for an oil change the other day. Nothing special, just your everyday, run-of-the-mill* oil change service appointment. I am usually not particular about where I get my oil changed, so usually it's just random where I end up going. For this particular time, it was Jiffylube.
I took my car in, and sat in the waiting room watching women's downhill skiing on the complementary TV. Besides the fact that we were watching women's downhill skiing, the other thing that sucked complete ass was the fact that the waiting room was colder than...than the snow that you use to ski downhill, like in women's downhill skiing for instance.
Cold and obscure sporting events aside, the wait wasn't long so that was good. Soon I had one of the grease-laden Jiffy employees coming to greet me in the waiting room of ice. I noticed that he was carrying an air filter under his arm as he sat down beside me.
JiffyBoy: Hey there, guy. Just wanted to let you know that the oil change looks good, and your car is doing fine.
Me: Well, that's good. We were all worried. How's she feeling after the procedure?
JiffyBoy: Uh...fine. You have a Honda, and those cars are built not to need maintenance. Besides the oil change, there's not much else we have to do!
Me: Yeah, well I'm sure you'll think of something.
JiffyBoy: Your air filter looks good, so we don't need to change that.
Me: Really? You oil change places always try to get me to replace my air filter! Are you sure it doesn't need to be replaced? Are you feeling ok?
JiffyBoy: No, no. The air filter is fine.
Me: So...why are you holding one?
JiffyBoy: Oh, this is your cabin air filter. And as you can see, it's dirty.
Me: Eh? My what?
JiffyBoy: Your cabin air filter. It's dirty.
Me: You lost me. What's a cabin air filter?
JiffyBoy: It's the air filter for your cabin.
Me: My cabin? You mean the thing at the front of airplanes?
JiffyBoy: Yeah, except this cabin is for your car.
Me: So...by "cabin" you are referring to the inside of my car?
JiffyBoy: Yes. Anyway, your cabin filter is dirty, so we can go ahead and replace that for you.
Me: Ahh that sounds more like the JiffyLube I've come to know. Now we're back to normalcy. No, I don't need my interior car air filter replaced, thanks.
JiffyBoy: It's a CABIN air filter, and it should be replaced. It's important to your breathing.
Me: My breathing? It filters the air INSIDE my cabin, correct?
Me: So, would you say it's safe to say that this air filter device helps to screen out the negative particles in the air that is present within my car interior?
JiffyBoy: It's a CABIN, but yes that about sums it up.
Me: So, we can therefore state that the air filter in question is filtering the air that comes into my car from the outside? You're saying this helps to filter the outside air that travels into the comfort of my driving cabin.
Me: That's stupid.
Me: That's stupid. You can't filter the "outside" air. That's just...air! You can't filter regular air. It's not like the air filter is going to save me from smog or smoke or pollen. The second I open my car door, I'm breathing it in again.
JiffyBoy: Yes, but while you're driving you'll be breathing better. Trust me, it makes sense and you want to do this. It's only $31.99 to replace it.
Me: No. Go away.
Me: No, no. I don't want it. I like to breathe air. It's been good to me, and we've been together since I was a baby. I like it just the way it is. Please don't take away my childhood.
JiffyBoy: Fine. But if you stop breathing one day, it'll be the air filter being dirty that kills you.
Needless to say, I did not purchase the $32 "cabin air filter" that they suggested. I called up some friends and nobody else had ever heard of a cabin air filter, either. So I'm not just stupid or ignorant of a car's inner workings.
It was just lame. If this happens to you, be strong and JUST SAY NO TO CABIN AIR FILTERS!
*What the hell does "run-of-the-mill" mean,anyway? Where did we get that saying?