Voice Recording: Thank you for calling Buycostumes.com! We appreciate your business. All of our operators are currently assisting other customers. Please hold. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.
Me: Yeah I'm sure it will, you silly bastard.
Voice Recording: What?
Voice Recording: Did you just say something?
Voice Recording: Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure you said something.
Me: Nope. You must be hearing things. Now, turn on that funky Musak for my listening pleasure.
Voice Recording: I don't appreciate that, you know.
Voice Recording: You, calling me names. I'm just doing my job. You don't have to verbally attack me. It's not like I can control how many people call in at any given point.
Me: You're right. I'm sorry...I'm just frustrated at the moment. It's not your fault.
Voice Recording: Thanks. Trust me, your call will be answered in the order it was received. I promise.
Me: Ok, thanks.
Voice Recording: Don't mention it. Here comes the Musak.
Buycostumes.com: Thank you for calling buycostumes.com! How can I help you?
Me: You suck.
Buycostumes.com: Ok then. I assume that this is not a customer satisfaction phone call?
Me: In the sense that my customer satisfaction is in negative numbers, it is.
Buycostumes.com: Super. Just what I needed, today. More complaints.
Me: Maybe if you didn’t suck so bad, you wouldn’t get so many complaints.
Buycostumes.com: Touché. How can I help you?
Me: I ordered a costume from you on Monday. I paid for it, and then you shipped it.
Me: Today, it was delivered to my doorstep.
Buycostumes.com: Was the box broken?
Buycostumes.com: Go on.
Me: I took the box inside and opened it, only to discover that it was the wrong costume.
Buycostumes.com: Are you sure?
Buycostumes.com: Are you sure, that it was the wrong costume?
Buycostumes.com: What did you order?
Me: Item number 133994. It's a pirate costume.
Buycostumes.com: And what did you receive?
Me: Not a pirate costume.
Buycostumes.com: Humor me. What did you get?
Me: You sent me an executioner costume.
Buycostumes.com: Wow, that's not even close!
Me: I know.
Buycostumes.com: So, what do you want from me?
Me: The pirate costume I paid for.
Buycostumes.com: Ok, let me check on something.
Buycostumes.com: That particular costume is currently out of stock.
Me: Of course it is.
Buycostumes.com: I take it, that you do not like the executioner costume we sent you?
Me: No. It’s lame.
Buycostumes.com: Fine. Is there another costume you would like?
Me: Sure. How about a pirate?
Buycostumes.com: Nice try. We're out of pirate costumes.
Me: ALL of them?
Buycostumes.com. Yes, all of them.
Me: This is yet another example of why you suck.
Buycostumes.com: I knew you would say that.
Me: So what do you suggest I do?
Buycostumes.com: I can either refund your money, or you can trick-or-treat as an executioner.
Me: I'm 27.
Buycostumes.com: Pardon me?
Me: I'm 27 years old…I don’t go trick-or-treating anymore.
Buycostumes.com: I see. Well, you can just send back the executioner costume and I'll refund your money. Then everybody is happy.
Me: Not really.
Buycostumes.com: Why is that?
Me: Because that doesn’t change the fact that I have no costume to wear for the parties I'm attending this weekend.
Buycostumes.com: That is a pickle.
Me: I thought so. How can you help me?
Buycostumes.com: I could find you a pirate costume.
Buycostumes.com: But I don't have any, so I won't.
Me: ...I hate you.
Buycostumes.com: I know. Do you want me to go into the warehouse and see if I can find a pirate costume for you?
Me: Gee, that would be swell.
Buycostumes.com: I thought you'd like that. Please hold.
Buycostumes.com: Ok, I'm back. It turns out that your costume is still here...it was never shipped .
Me: You're just messing with me now, aren't you?
Buycostumes.com: No, really. I found it under some magazines. I'll go ahead and ship it out today, so you should have it by tomorrow.
Me: Good deal. What about this lame executioner costume?
Buycostumes.com: Send it back to me.
Me: Will you pay for that?
Buycostumes.com: You are a picky little bastard, aren't you?
Me: I guess I am. Are you going to pay for that?
Buycostumes.com: Fine. I'll send you a check.
Me: Good. So my pirate costume is coming to me tomorrow?
Me: If you're trying to pull a fast one on me, I swear on everything holy that I will fucking kill you.
Buycostumes.com: Understood. Anything else I can do for you, today?
Buycostumes.com: Thanks for calling buycostumes.com, and have a great day!
Me: Thank you.