Monday, October 17, 2005

Philosophy of Die Hard and HWD

I had a good weekend. Nothing uber-exciting happened, for the most part. Sadly to say, there was no group bunny or anything that might come close to resembling group bunny. But I did have a lot of fun, and that is all that matters. I'm not too thrilled to be back at work already, but at least I'm not depressed about it this morning and that is saying something. I've decided that with my good mood, I shall include some new Shanshu Lists. I hope everybody has a great Monday, and enjoy.

Weekend by the Numbers:

-Number of times hung-over this weekend: 2
-Number of times somebody threw up in my toilet this weekend: 3
-Number of times I threw up in my toilet this weekend: 0
-Number of different breasts touched: 3
-Number of hors' dourves eaten: 1
-Number of times somebody mixed red and white wine into my glass: 2
-Number of paper napkin flowers created: 3
-Number of girls seduced by paper napkin flowers: 0
-Number of alien anal probes: 0
-Amount of time spent recovering from "the night before": 12.3 hours
-Amount of time spent sleeping: 14 hours total
-Average age of women at Friday's party: 42
-Average age of women at Saturday's party: 22
-Number of times I was flirted with this weekend: 0 (Can you believe that?)
-Number of embarrassing stories told: 2
-Number of times Pizzle drunkenly said "I love you, man" : 3
-Number of times Pizzle drunkenly said "I love you, man" to a potted plant: 1
-Amount of time spent laughing about Chaos Theory: 37 minutes
-Number of times I was woken up by a drunk person: 3
-Amount of fun I had this weekend: Oodles

Other Fun Weekend Facts:

-At one point this weekend, a guy I did not know came up to me and proceeded to tell me what the best part of his wife giving birth was. Apparently, this man felt that it was very exciting that his wife took her clothes off in a room with a nurse. He then told me that it was "the closest any man will ever get to 2 naked women in the same room" while slapping my back in an inappropriately affectionate way. I tried very hard to keep my mouth shut about all of the group bunny this poor bastard was missing. It was all I could do to keep myself from blurting out, "That's the closest you will ever get to your wife and another woman, pal. Now back up, because you're standing on my dick."
-I got much too wasted at Friday's party. At one point, I actually began to tell embarrassing stories about myself, with absolutely no coercion from anybody else.
-There are 2 containers of leftover Chinese food in the fridge right now with no food in them... just rice. I guess we all felt that at some point in the near future, we would need that rice to cook something.
-I now have 14 liters of Coke products in my kitchen that are leftovers from Friday's party. We also have about 4 liters of excess alcohol, 2 bottles of wine, and half a bag of Pizza Rolls.
-I can't really go into more detail about this for fear that it might make us look incredibly lame, but at one point this weekend something funny happened. Something happened that was so funny, Pizzle and myself laughed about it so hard and long, I'm pretty sure I broke something inside myself. It became the new weekend inside-joke, and I'm fairly certain that at my wedding, Pizzle will lean over and whisper something relating to said funny event, and I will proceed to crack up uncontrollably and get left at the altar by my very pissed off ex-girlfriend. It was THAT FUNNY.
-I got to spank Jen with a horse-whip and it made the entire apartment take notice. Unfortunately, she did not whinny.

Things I came to realize this weekend:

-In all 3 Die Hard movies, Bruce Willis is teamed up with a sidekick/partner/friend who happens to be black. I'm not sure what Hollywood is trying to say about this, but if I had to guess I would say it is something to do with muffins.
-I enjoy going to cocktail parties for the following reason: It's like a big cover-up. Everybody there is drinking, and you can get as drunk as you want, as long as you keep yourself in check and keep your manners above par. It's almost an example of how rich people do the same things that poor people do, they just do it with more class. I might have to expand on this idea sometime.
-If you are hiding from terrorists, just find a dark corner and try not to move for approximately 30 seconds, and they will give up the search and go back to what they were doing.
-At Saturday's party, Pizzle and I became drunk from an assortment of wine. During this process, we began to be extra-happy and funny. I have decided to dub this new experience "Happy Wine Drunk" or HWD.
-Most girls do not like having their toes messed with.
-You can watch 3 hours of Discovery channel and not get any smarter.
-Orange Juice, while tasty, is a horrible hangover drink if you have too much of it.
-General Tso's chicken is just as good to eat while it's cold.
-Carpet holds smells...I will explain no further.
-If you're hanging on a ledge, and your partner is above you covering your position: do not let him drop down on top of your head because you will lose almost half of your life bar.
-There is no problem that lying in bed all day can't solve.


Ms. Adventures said...

Good post. Very interesting and amusing indeed.

Cocktail parties also rock because everything to eat there is bite sized. Love that.

I think you're right about the toes, but I don't think it's limited to women. Even babies yank their feet back when you touch their toes.

SO glad you had a good weekend, you needed it.

Rowan said...

I got much too wasted at Friday's party. At one point, I actually began to tell embarrassing stories about myself, with absolutely no coercion from anybody else.
so ummm, yeah....what were they about then? a hint? c'mon!

Shanshu said...

A hint? Ok here is a hint: Kanass and ESPN Sports Center.

insanityinsk said...

Wow...sounds like you had a crazy fun time. I hear you about getting drunk and telling embrassing stories....i think i do that too often!!! Not sooo smart is

Dirty Gypsy said...

"Now back up, because you're standing on my dick."

That almost made me spit out my soda, I was laughing so hard, Shanshu. Another hilarious post.

And I can't believe you eat General Tso's chicken cold. Doesn't that sauce sort of congeal in the fridge? If not, I SO need to start ordering from a new Chinese place...

Maccafreak said...

Hee Hee... Kanass...Good story!

Kay said...

I love lists. Beautiful, beautiful list.
I think we're gonna need more detail about the Kansas and ESPN Sports Center incidents. In fact, I think we're gonna need all the details.

Shanshu said...

kay: I promise, I will give more details about ESPN and KanASS when the time is right.

dirty gyp: glad I can make you smile! Next time I'll try to ensure that you DO spit out your soda!!

Tydes Perdition said...

you are the king of lists.

Rowan said...

Shan, since I asked first, be sure to let me know when you DO divulge your secrets? *bats eyes sweetly*

Spinning Girl said...

Your life is the best one of all. I'm going to go cry in the closet.

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

sounds like you had a great time, without getting arrested. way to go!

Penny Shagwell said...

Dirty gypsy spits? I always thought she'd... awww, nevermind.

Good post, Shan. I want to come to one of your parties.

Heather said...

Glad to hear you had a great weekend LOL

drunkbh said...

Sounds like this was party weekend. Did you really tell someone they were standing on your dick? I would love to see that... His expression, not him standing on it.

Crystal said...

I love cold General Tso's chicken. Yum Yum.

Almost all "buddy" films are interracial. 48 Hours - Nick Nolte & Eddie Murphy, Shanghai Knights - Jackie Chan & Chris Tucker, Turner & Hooch - Tom Hanks & a mastiff.

B.O.B.I. said...

That's it, I'm moving in with you, Shanshu. I need me some group bunny!

That came out wrong. You're going to show me how... dammit. When it happens, you won't be there, but I want to learn from you.

Nope, still kinda gay. I think you get my drift, though.

It's ok, though. I'll just stand in a dark corner most of the time in thirty second increments. Also, if you don't agree, I'll just tazer dart your ass.

Rowan said...

Would you kindly do this for me? Buddies

Pizzle said...

It took me three days to get to blogging about this night. Haven't had that much fun in a while.

It's much more enjoyable to read some of your list items and actually knowing exactly where they came from. :)