The hangover was upon me. All hope of a good day was spoiled from the moment I tumbled out of bed and crawled into the bathroom to put on my face.
After I had finished the process of making myself look semi-presentable, I walked outside to start the day and was greeted by the spectacular image of morning dew, golden sunshine, and stewn-about garbage on the grass. It seems that during the night, some ill-mannered nocturnal beast had decided that the treasures he sought would be found in my trash bag. The little fucker ripped a huge hole into my plastic garbage holding device and then proceeded to throw about its contents with little care for public cleanliness. The lawn was littered with tissues, empty food boxes, and one or two female preventive leakage devices.
Cursing outloud and shaking my fist towards the woods, I began to pick up the trash and re-package my mess into a new plastic garbage holding device. After setting it down and casting numerous anti-creature spells, I headed to my car to begin my wonderful morning commute.
Hangovers. Trash. Nocturnal garbage destroyers. Thursday has been shaping up to be another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. With any luck, my boss will come into my cubicle and kick me square in the nuts so my morning can be complete.
Happy FUCKING Thursday.
Shanshu's Quick List of Mini Anecdotes and Advice From Last Night:
- For my buddy Mike, "Let's all go out to dinner" actually translates to "I'm going to make you drink so much, you'll forget your gender."
- Following up a rum and coke with a Jagerbomb and then following THAT up with a Rock Lobster shot is a sure-fire way to ensure that you will say or do something extremely stupid in the next 6 hours.
- You shouldn't light a candle with the end of your index finger.
- It's a good idea to NOT have a genital-measuring contest while still at the bar.
- Several times throughout the course of the evening, we toasted to something Irish and then forgot what we toasted to, and so had to do it a second time. Thanks a fucking lot, Ireland.
- After partaking in a certain herbal refreshment, a certain blonde female informed me that "tap water tastes REALLY good".
- Wine doesn't make a very good night-cap after an evening of power drinking.
- I had such a realistic dream last night, that after waking up from a state of drunken hibernation I had to convince myself that I was no longer in prison with the cast from The Golden Girls.
- When somebody starts busting out photo albums from college after a night of shooters, it's time to go home.
- Always...no, wait. NEVER go out in a blizzard.
- When you say "Show me your tits!", be sure to specify you want to see a girl's tits.
- "Sweater Meat" is not the best way to refer to a woman's breasts.
- Never order enchiladas from a fern bar.
- $2.50 for a rum and coke is another example of how awesome this country is.
- There is no acceptable way to work the phrase "face-fucking" into a civilized conversation.