Thursday, October 06, 2005

Lemme tell ya...

This day has not started off in the best way possible. First let me start by saying that last night I went out with my buddy Mike and his wife, and what should have been a casual get together and dinner turned into a drink-a-thon of epic proportions. I'm not saying we broke any records or anything, but for a Wednesday night we did just fine thankyouverymuch. I didn't get to bed until almost 2:00am and 6:30am rolled around WAY too soon, for my taste.

The hangover was upon me. All hope of a good day was spoiled from the moment I tumbled out of bed and crawled into the bathroom to put on my face.

After I had finished the process of making myself look semi-presentable, I walked outside to start the day and was greeted by the spectacular image of morning dew, golden sunshine, and stewn-about garbage on the grass. It seems that during the night, some ill-mannered nocturnal beast had decided that the treasures he sought would be found in my trash bag. The little fucker ripped a huge hole into my plastic garbage holding device and then proceeded to throw about its contents with little care for public cleanliness. The lawn was littered with tissues, empty food boxes, and one or two female preventive leakage devices.

Cursing outloud and shaking my fist towards the woods, I began to pick up the trash and re-package my mess into a new plastic garbage holding device. After setting it down and casting numerous anti-creature spells, I headed to my car to begin my wonderful morning commute.

Hangovers. Trash. Nocturnal garbage destroyers. Thursday has been shaping up to be another terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. With any luck, my boss will come into my cubicle and kick me square in the nuts so my morning can be complete.

Happy FUCKING Thursday.


Shanshu's Quick List of Mini Anecdotes and Advice From Last Night:
  • For my buddy Mike, "Let's all go out to dinner" actually translates to "I'm going to make you drink so much, you'll forget your gender."
  • Following up a rum and coke with a Jagerbomb and then following THAT up with a Rock Lobster shot is a sure-fire way to ensure that you will say or do something extremely stupid in the next 6 hours.
  • You shouldn't light a candle with the end of your index finger.
  • It's a good idea to NOT have a genital-measuring contest while still at the bar.
  • Several times throughout the course of the evening, we toasted to something Irish and then forgot what we toasted to, and so had to do it a second time. Thanks a fucking lot, Ireland.
  • After partaking in a certain herbal refreshment, a certain blonde female informed me that "tap water tastes REALLY good".
  • Wine doesn't make a very good night-cap after an evening of power drinking.
  • I had such a realistic dream last night, that after waking up from a state of drunken hibernation I had to convince myself that I was no longer in prison with the cast from The Golden Girls.
  • When somebody starts busting out photo albums from college after a night of shooters, it's time to go home.
  • Always...no, wait. NEVER go out in a blizzard.
  • When you say "Show me your tits!", be sure to specify you want to see a girl's tits.
  • "Sweater Meat" is not the best way to refer to a woman's breasts.
  • Never order enchiladas from a fern bar.
  • $2.50 for a rum and coke is another example of how awesome this country is.
  • There is no acceptable way to work the phrase "face-fucking" into a civilized conversation.

19 comments:

EBethToThePowerOf? said...

Things I found on my lawn this morning: An empty box of Natty Light six-pack. A box for a QT Breakfast Sandwich.

I love living next to a Quick Trip.

Pizzle said...

Dude. I'm sorry you're having a bad day, but that's the hardest I've laughed in a long time. Your best posts come from your anger, or more appropriately, your anguish.

Carry on.

Shanshu said...

Living next to a QT near the ghetto doesn't help much, either.

:)

Shanshu said...

pizzle: thanks, bro. My torment is your entertainment.

heh

MIKE said...

I'm still laughing! But I thought you told me last night that you liked my man breasts? Anyway, that was great.

Juliabohemian said...

tap water...
did you ever see the episode of that 70's show where the parents ate the funny brownies? The Mom said "you know what would be great for dessert? Hot dogs!"

l'il bear said...

Brilliant - I too find absolute joy in your ranting. Bunny you're a god... and for you I'll get down on my knees.

Kay said...

Wow. That was a great laugh. Thanks for drinking on a week night so you could share your joy with us all.

Rowan said...

heh, at least you never said those ill-fated words: I'll never drink again.

LOL! Sorry, but this is great! Last time I drank it was on a school night too, and I super regretted it, but hey, it's much funnier when you read it....as to the herbal girl, that sounds like me! Sure I wasn't' there? ahahahahaha~!

Rowan said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Ms. Adventures said...

sucks you're having a bad day. Hope it's going better now..

Shanshu said...

I am feeling much better after lunch. Work is slow today so I have plenty of time to surf the web in peace.

Tydes Perdition said...

this post is a shining example of brilliance in the face of adversity. well done!

insanityinsk said...

Just when i thought i was the only person out there sitting in a cubical after only 3 hours of sleep and too much to drink...i read your post.....There is some comfort in knowning that for as bad as i felt this morning....i didn't have your troubles....lol..THANKS ;p

Danius Maximus said...

how about...face love making? thats a little more civilized

Spinning Girl said...

You are nothing if not a gentleman. Next time try "this face seats four." Sorry about the trash; I was looking for my retainer.

Heyyy-- check it out!

Shan Shu Laufs!!!

Your day is getting better already!

Shanshu said...

spin girl: that is HILARIOUS. Shan Shun Laufs....hee hee! thanks.

danius: THAT is a good one...I might try that next time.

Marina said...

This is my first time reading your blog and I have to say that you are absolutely hilarious. I'm sorry that I see so much humor from your very rough night but that was great. I haven't stayed out past 11 on a weeknight it about 5 years and I do miss it. LOL. I hope you are feeling better today.

Mossy Stone said...

omFg I was laughing so hard I almost shot Root Beer out my nose. Lemme tell ya, that STINGS

My face hurts from laughing now...