Thursday, October 27, 2005

BuyCostumes.Com and Why They Suck

Voice Recording: Thank you for calling Buycostumes.com! We appreciate your business. All of our operators are currently assisting other customers. Please hold. Your call will be answered in the order it was received.

Me: Yeah I'm sure it will, you silly bastard.

Voice Recording: What?

Me: Huh?

Voice Recording: Did you just say something?

Me: Um...no.

Voice Recording: Are you sure? Because I'm pretty sure you said something.

Me: Nope. You must be hearing things. Now, turn on that funky Musak for my listening pleasure.

Voice Recording: I don't appreciate that, you know.

Me: What?

Voice Recording: You, calling me names. I'm just doing my job. You don't have to verbally attack me. It's not like I can control how many people call in at any given point.

Me: You're right. I'm sorry...I'm just frustrated at the moment. It's not your fault.

Voice Recording: Thanks. Trust me, your call will be answered in the order it was received. I promise.

Me: Ok, thanks.

Voice Recording: Don't mention it. Here comes the Musak.

(music plays)

Buycostumes.com: Thank you for calling buycostumes.com! How can I help you?

Me: You suck.

Buycostumes.com: Ok then. I assume that this is not a customer satisfaction phone call?

Me: In the sense that my customer satisfaction is in negative numbers, it is.

Buycostumes.com: Super. Just what I needed, today. More complaints.

Me: Maybe if you didn’t suck so bad, you wouldn’t get so many complaints.

Buycostumes.com: Touché. How can I help you?

Me: I ordered a costume from you on Monday. I paid for it, and then you shipped it.

Buycostumes.com: Ok.

Me: Today, it was delivered to my doorstep.

Buycostumes.com: Was the box broken?

Me: No.

Buycostumes.com: Go on.

Me: I took the box inside and opened it, only to discover that it was the wrong costume.

Buycostumes.com: Are you sure?

Me: What?

Buycostumes.com: Are you sure, that it was the wrong costume?

Me: Yes.

Buycostumes.com: What did you order?

Me: Item number 133994. It's a pirate costume.

Buycostumes.com: And what did you receive?

Me: Not a pirate costume.

Buycostumes.com: Humor me. What did you get?

Me: You sent me an executioner costume.

Buycostumes.com: Wow, that's not even close!

Me: I know.

Buycostumes.com: So, what do you want from me?

Me: The pirate costume I paid for.

Buycostumes.com: Ok, let me check on something.

Me: Ok.

(Musak plays)

Buycostumes.com: That particular costume is currently out of stock.

Me: Of course it is.

Buycostumes.com: I take it, that you do not like the executioner costume we sent you?

Me: No. It’s lame.

Buycostumes.com: Fine. Is there another costume you would like?

Me: Sure. How about a pirate?

Buycostumes.com: Nice try. We're out of pirate costumes.

Me: ALL of them?

Buycostumes.com. Yes, all of them.

Me: This is yet another example of why you suck.

Buycostumes.com: I knew you would say that.

Me: So what do you suggest I do?

Buycostumes.com: I can either refund your money, or you can trick-or-treat as an executioner.

Me: I'm 27.

Buycostumes.com: Pardon me?

Me: I'm 27 years old…I don’t go trick-or-treating anymore.

Buycostumes.com: I see. Well, you can just send back the executioner costume and I'll refund your money. Then everybody is happy.

Me: Not really.

Buycostumes.com: Why is that?

Me: Because that doesn’t change the fact that I have no costume to wear for the parties I'm attending this weekend.

Buycostumes.com: That is a pickle.

Me: I thought so. How can you help me?

Buycostumes.com: I could find you a pirate costume.

Me: Yes!

Buycostumes.com: But I don't have any, so I won't.

Me: ...I hate you.

Buycostumes.com: I know. Do you want me to go into the warehouse and see if I can find a pirate costume for you?

Me: Gee, that would be swell.

Buycostumes.com: I thought you'd like that. Please hold.

(Musak plays)

Buycostumes.com: Ok, I'm back. It turns out that your costume is still here...it was never shipped .

Me: You're just messing with me now, aren't you?

Buycostumes.com: No, really. I found it under some magazines. I'll go ahead and ship it out today, so you should have it by tomorrow.

Me: Good deal. What about this lame executioner costume?

Buycostumes.com: Send it back to me.

Me: Will you pay for that?

Buycostumes.com: You are a picky little bastard, aren't you?

Me: I guess I am. Are you going to pay for that?

Buycostumes.com: Fine. I'll send you a check.

Me: Good. So my pirate costume is coming to me tomorrow?

Buycostumes.com: Yes.

Me: If you're trying to pull a fast one on me, I swear on everything holy that I will fucking kill you.

Buycostumes.com: Understood. Anything else I can do for you, today?

Me: No.

Buycostumes.com: Thanks for calling buycostumes.com, and have a great day!

Me: Thank you.

20 comments:

Rowan said...

I usually find they are a pretty good company myself, but DAMN that's a terrible experience. You really went all out, I KNOW what the pirate costumes cost....damn executioner....

Pizzle said...

Wow...I don't know whether to laugh or cry for you. That will only be really funny if the costume really shows up tomorrow.


*fingers crossed*

Shanshu said...

My situation is not that funny, indeed. But I thought my little conversation blog entry was a LITTLE funny, and worth laughing at.

Fear not! I shall have a costume this weekend, one way or another.

Marisa said...

Pirates are way cooler than executioners. The executioner only carries the wishes of the king; but the pirate, the pirate answers to no man! Argh!

wrmblnwrck said...

Dang, did anyone else get hit in the temporal lobe with a HHGTTG flashback? It read like a conversation with Sirius Cybernetics Corporations Complaint Department. Douglas Adams didn't die, shanshu consumed his soul!

Marisa said...

... and besides ... "one-eyed executioner" isn't a euphamism for the male phallus.

Shanshu said...

marisa: You are so right. Pirates rule, and executioners can blow me.

rich: I am humbled by your comparison to HHGTTG...I'm so totally blushing right now.

Argh.

Think Frustrated said...

I would like to have known how the actual conversation went. Just to compare.

Shanshu said...

it was pretty close to that....pretty much.

R. U. Serious said...

I'm pretty sure one eyed executioner is a nickname for a penis.

If it's not it should be.

Spinning Girl said...

You don't trick or treat anymore? What is wrong with you?

I watched Pirates of the Caribbean last week on the bus to Boston and I saw the scene that matches your avatar. I had a special moment.

insanityinsk said...

Okay that experience sucks some serious ass. You should just forgo the Priate costume and go as a nudist....i'm sure that would be a lot more titillating......lol

Shanshu said...

ru serious: I agree...it just SCREAMS phallus. "One-eyed Executioner"...it rolls off the tongue.

spinning: I'm glad you thought of me during your special moment. Next time, say my name.

insanity: I did that last year...don't want to do the same thing twice.

Crystal said...

That was fucking awesome. :) :) :)

Heather said...

Oh Shanshu.. You always have a way of making me laugh at the worst possible time. I love you and I hope you get your costume tomorrow :)

Shanshu said...

Thanks, heather. I DID get my costume yesterday, as they promised. It looks great and I am happy.

Good times are here again! Time for some group pirate bunny. Argh.

Callie said...

Oooh! I'm gonna be a pirate, too! Woot! Group pirate bunny? I'm in!

Crystal said...

I don't want to be a pirate. Can I be the parrot? Don't all pirates have a parrot?

musie said...

Now do we all get a pirate picture? BTW, my husband thinks i am insane cause I was laughing so hard ;)

Anonymous said...

you should become a screen writer. there is no possible what that coversation happended. lol its so obviously written for our pleasure. fact im still laughing. i can't get the the firt part out of my head where you and the "recording" had a conversation.

good stuff though!