CLAPTER: Word Sin or Genius?

I’ve always thought that certain words are lame, like the word lighted. I think the word lit makes much more sense, and it sounds better off the tongue. I don’t think I could ever say “Today I walked into the lighted corridor searching for the door to the bathroom”. I just think that sounds stupid. I think it sounds much more accurate to say “Today I walked down the lit corridor searching for the door to the bathroom”…don’t you?

Maybe not, but I do...and this is my blog…so nah.

Sometimes I even make up words, without knowing it. It’s like my brain understands all the rules and decides what would sound better in a given situation. It just creates a word, and then fires it along the neurons and pathways until it reaches my ever so gentle lips and spews it forth like it was lit from within me.

I once told a friend that he should listen to the sounds the crowd was making at a sporting event. I think the conversation went something like this:

Me: Do you hear that? Hear the beat?
PJ: What beat? You mean the crowd?
Me: Yeah, the crowd. They’re clapping. Hear that?
PJ: Yes. What of it?
Me: Listen to the rhythm. The clapter of the crowd has a rhythm to it. Weird.
PJ: Whoa, whoa…what?
Me: What?
PJ: Did…did you just say “clapter”?
Me: Yes?
PJ: What the hell is clapter?
Me: You know…the clapter…of the crowd. The sound it makes when you slap your hands together.
PJ: You mean “clapping”.
Me: No, clapter. It’s totally a word.
PJ: Um…no it’s not.
Me: Um…yes it is.
PJ: …
Me: When you hear somebody laughing, you say “I hear laughter.” It’s like the noun form of the word “laughing”. Same thing with clapping…clapter is a noun derivation.
PJ: Dude, it is *so* not a word.
Me: Whatever, yes it is!
PJ: Do you want me to get a fucking dictionary?
Me: Fine! Prove me right, bitch!

(PJ gets a dictionary)

PJ: Show me clapter.
Me: Ok.

(me searching dictionary)

Me: … Huh. I’ll be damned, it’s not in here.
PJ: HA! Fucking told you so!
Me: Are you sure this dictionary is current?
PJ: What? Shut up. Clapter isn’t a word. Deal with it.
Me: Crap.


Ever since that event, I have done my best to convince people I’m right. I think the word totally makes sense. If you can say “laughter” why can’t you say “clapter” ? It makes no sense to me, that you can’t use that word.

Clapter should be a fucking word. I even have the definition as it should be printed in the dictionary:

Clapter (‘klap-t&r)
Function: Noun
Etymology: New English, from clapping derivation. No Old English roots.
1: a sound of or as if of clapping
1a: a sound of or as if of clapping, pl.
2: to show approval through the use of slapping one’s hands together

See that shit? It totally works.

I think clapter makes sense as a word. I think that it’s a conspiracy that it isn’t. Who makes up these rules, anyway? Who decided that it was ok to say “lighted” or “lit” interchangeably, but that “clapter” is a word sin?

Fuck that. Clapter should be a word.

I will bring as many people to my way of thinking as I can, and someday…you watch…it will be in the damn dictionary. PJ told me he's told this story before, and the results have been about 50/50 so far. That means that half of the people he's told this to are on my side.

Our numbers grow!


CLAPTER FOR LIFE!

Random Monday Wacky!

Random News Article: I just found this article title funny. I didn't even read it.

Random Soft Porn: A Japanese girl with large assets playing in the local creek...or something.

Random Thought: "If you were to tattoo a vampire with a cross, would it constantly burn?"

Random Item on my Desk: A 3 fluid oz. bottle of Jergens Ultra Healing lotion.

Random Fact About Pickles: Cucumber pickling is almost universally done through a brine fermentation process. Ripe cucumbers are selected, washed and salted thoroughly, and then added to a brine solution for a number of weeks. Vinegar, sugar and spices can be added to the process, depending on the technique used.

Random Memory From Childhood: When I was a child living in Texas, it snowed one day. This was such a rare thing, and I was very excited. I went outside to build a snowman like I had always seen on TV or in the movies. Since the snow didn't really accumulate too much, my snowman was a sort of a half-snow, half-dirt concoction. On top of that, the temperature rose too high that day and so he started to melt about halfway through the process, and began to lean towards the left. Finally, as if the universe were trying to teach me a lesson, a neighborhood dog came running up and tackled my poor snowman...then he peed on it...then he stole my mother's scarf and ran away.

Random Thing Overheard at the Supermarket: "Do we have any sugar at home? Yes, we do, remember? Because we used some on your penis yesterday."

Random Song Stuck in My Head: "The Gift" by Seether

Jedi After-School Special

I had to share this video. Please watch...it could save a young Jedi's life.



Thank you.

The Universe Thinks We Are Crazy

The universe is laughing at us.

Why? Because we are stupid. We are stupid, insecure, frightened monkeys with too much free time and not enough outlets for sexual tension and aggressive behavior. We constantly find new ways to torture ourselves because we are bored, and we come up with different ways to torture each other on a daily basis. Our favorite way to make life difficult for one another is the law.

We love to manipulate the law to our own liking. Anything that can remotely offend a person is illegal…or it’s going to be illegal…or it’s on its way to being illegal right now.

In fact, saying the word “obberpunkz” is probably illegal. I bet the police are coming to get me right now, so I’d better type fast.

Things have gotten so bad in this country in regards to laws and rules and litigious behavior, that people are afraid to take any action in any situation, for fear of doing something wrong. Why should I help that old lady cross the street? She might charge me with assault or something. See that burning building? There’s people inside burning to death. We should call the fire department and not do anything else to help because we might be charged with “invading a scene of danger” or criminal trespassing.

I joke. You laugh…but I’m not too far off the mark.

There are so many rules and so many different ways to manipulate a given situation, that is almost impossible to know with any degree of certainty what is acceptable, and what is not. If you had asked me yesterday if throwing a cup of ice (a paper cup, mind you) at a person would land me in jail for 2 years…I would tell you to go fuck yourself. There is no way that would happen.

How wrong I was.

Woman Sentanced to Two Years For Ice "Missle"

How can a person be sentenced to 2 years in a federal prison for tossing a cup of ice into somebody else’s car? That is a kind of crazy I didn’t know was possible in this world. It sounds like something out of a Nazi training manual.

“Nein! You vill not throw ze ice cup anymore! 2 years in ze prison camp. Schnell!”

Still don't see the crazy? So tell me this. When did this country become so afraid of its own shadow, that doing something such as attempting to help a rape victim is grounds for prison time?

Man Arrested After Mistaking Porn for Rape

Our laws have lost all common sense, and have become out of control.

Did you know, that if a man breaks into your house and tries to stab your children while they sleep…and you catch him in the act and break his arm…he can sue you? Did you also know that he actually has a good chance of winning said lawsuit? Is that justice? I call it insanity on an epic scale. When I hear stuff like that, I try to wake up from the nightmare that is called “real life” because it sucks.

God, the universe, and everything are looking at us and saying, “What a bunch of fucking retards down there. Seriously, check this out. Hey, Pluto! Quit pouting about that plant demotion crap, and get over here! Look at what these morons are doing now! Bring a camera.”

We have got to be the laughing stock of the cosmos, and deservedly so.

Use your common sense. Follow your heart. See the world for the crazy that it is.

*So* Sick of Britney Spears and Her Shit

Britney Spears has checked into rehab.

Whoop-de-fucking-doo.

Britney Spears has checked into a clinic, and I have officially decided that these are the end days. You know why? Because it seems like all I see on the news lately are celebrities being stupid, or dying, or showing their love pudding, or shaving their heads, or doing one of a hundred other stupid, attention-seeking activities that are sure to land them on the front page of any trashy celebrity magazine or even the respectable news reporting agencies.

I mean, seriously. Who really gives a shit about Britney Spears anymore? I don’t…that’s obvious. But how many of you actually care that she is checking herself into a rehabilitation “clinic”?

I used quotation marks to illustrate the point that I don’t believe Ms. Spears is in a real medical clinic to treat addictive disorders such as alcoholism. It’s probably more like a health spa complete with a recording studio and a Swedish guy who rubs her girlie parts while she forgets to raise her child for a few weeks. I’m sure she’s *so* upset at her recent behavior and she’s seeking help, even as we speak.

If you honestly believe that, please come to my house later so I can show you a 6 inch elephant with a 3 foot penis.

Remember when Britney was young and cute and popular?

I totally do. I remember the first time Britney was popular. She was in that hot little outfit and she was singing…some kind of song, I don’t remember because I was too busy trying to figure out if she was old enough to have dirty thoughts about while I masturbated to her video on MTV.

Then she was hot for awhile, in that sexy cute, innocent bend-me-over-my-homework kind of way, but then things changed, and she grew up and got trashier and then tried the whole “I’m a sex goddess” thing like Madonna did…except at least Madonna had the decency to show her boobs.

Then came the period where we forgot about her. It was a good time, filled with joy. I’m pretty sure during this time, we cured several diseases and reached farther into the universe to learn more about the cosmos and ourselves and then oh my God Britney Spears is driving with her baby in the front seat.

Crap. She’s back.

Then came the publicity again. Then the news articles on CNN abashing her behavior, while at the same time hoping for more so they had something new to report and hopefully draw in “the young crowd”.

Then she got drunk. Then she partied. Then she stopped raising her baby. Then she showed her cooter. Then she shaved her head. Now she’s in rehab.

Yawn. Groan. Hack. Puke.

I’m so fucking sick of this crap. If I were to get drunk and shave my head and put my baby at risk and get drunk again and show my dick to the world and then say “can I check into rehab so we can forget all that bad shit I did?” the police would laugh at me all the way to the jail, and there would be nobody to bail me out because my friends would all hate me for being such a moron.

Yet somehow, Britney and others like her get away with whatever they want to because the American public is insane.

Super.

Can’t wait to see what she does next. Oh, and did I mention how much I don’t care about her shit anymore? I don’t think I can stress that enough.

I’m so sick of her shit. I hope she rots in that “clinic” and we all forget her.

***UPDATE***

What a surprise...Britney didn't even last a full day. Shocker!

.

.

Click here for article

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Gee thanks, you fuckers. You bascially told me I'm screwed, but did it in a semi-business like manner. Awesome. And thanks for telling me that there is literally nothing you can do about how long YOU take to ship out an item. Makes me feel all warm inside. They might as well have said, "PS: You are never going to get this item, so please stop trying."

Well screw you, Amazon.com! I didn't want the fucking calendar, anyway.

My Email to Amazon.Com

Dear Amazon.com,

This is the third time I have attempted to purchase this order for the 2007 Far Side Desk Calendar: The Secret Lives of Animals, and it is subsequently the third time I have cancelled the order. Every time I try to order this item (which I have been trying to do for some time now) the expected shipping date is up to 60 days away!!!!

I have never had something take so long to ship before, and I am curious to know why this is? I love using Amazon but if this shipping problem is a new trend, I'll have to do my online shopping somewhere else, I'm afraid. 2 months wait for a DESK CALENDAR is ridiculous.

I just wanted to call this to attention. I know nobody cares, and I doubt anybody will even read this. But I wanted to do it, for my own peace of mind. I've tried to buy this desk calendar in stores but have had no luck. And now, I can't even buy it online because the wait is so long it'll be 2008 before I get it, which doesn't help me.

I know I'm probably screwed, and that is fine, I guess. I'll just have to go to Office Depot and get some lame schedule planner calendar with no funny pictures or anything to keep my interest. Just a dull planner with nothing but sadness and boredom to offer me.

Anyway, just thought you folks at Amazon.com would be interested to know that I am having drama, and there is no calendar at my desk, and I sit in this cubicle with no joy in my life.

Thanks for your time.


PS: Shanshu is in a blog tournament! I think this idea is cool and the fact that I am even a part of it gets me all hot and bothered in my nethers.

So...be sure to check it out over at Ookami Snow's place and see what you think. And if you feel like leaving a "Shanshu should win his first pairing" comment...that would be ok, too.

:)

*So* Sick of Hearing About Anna Nicole Smith

Anna Nicole Smith passed away.

That sucks.

She died under bizarre circumstances.

Not really.

But maybe she was over medicated?

Maybe. Why does it matter?

It's a tragedy! It's unfair!

Yes, that's what death always is. Deal with it. Why do you care so much, anyway?

Because...because she's a celebrity and because her life was cool and because she died!

You're a sheep. Baaaaah!



Seriously, why is this getting so much media attention? The way people are going on and on about this, you would think this was a huge conspiracy, or something that affected the world economy or a viral pandemic that threatened our way of life...something monumental and important.

Why do people care so much about celebrities? I mean, seriously...why the fuck do they get so much attention, no matter what they do? They can be a horrible person who has the mental capacity of a grapefruit, and people swoon over their every pathetic step. People care about what they eat, where they live, what they wear, who they date, when they go to the bathroom, what they wear to the beach...OMG get a fucking life!

I myself could give two shits about celebrities. I don't care who they are divorcing or which rehabilitation clinic they have checked in to, or who is the father of their babies...I don't care. I see them all as pretentious, self-involved losers who spend too much time patting themselves on the back in an effort to feel more self-involved and special in their own little bizarro world. I don't care about their views on religion, or politics, or social problems. I don't think they have any special knowledge or views on the world that are any better than anybody else's.

I do not believe a celebrity can vote better than me. They do not have an inherent wisdom in regards to poverty, disease, or economics. They do not affect world events or political decisions or global conflicts. They are not helping to further the human race.

They are born. They live. They die. Just like me. They are not fucking special.

Anna Nicole Smith bugged me, anyway. She was a stripper who met a rich rich RICH man who fell into her bullshit and made her a rich rich RICH stripper. She was a Playboy model, which is cool, but she wasn't anything more than that, to me. She did a couple of AWFUL movies that made my hair hurt, and then she got fat...then skinny...then drugged up...then clean...then she died.

What a great career she had, too. Hollywood was her true calling, I think. Here is a video clip of the "outtakes" from her movie Skyscraper. It's probably the worst movie ever, and her being naked a lot doesn't save it. Check out her "acting" below:

Did you ever watch her reality show? She was an annoying, mentally fucked up, big breasted lady who couldn't tell you the capital of Texas (it's Austin, by the way) even though she lived there. She was annoying and she was trashy and everytime she talked, she made us all want to punch babies.

Her "show" got horrible ratings and we all made fun of her and most of us hated her and then she dies and all of the sudden it's a horrible, awful thing and we're all so sad about it and talking about how much we miss her.

Puke.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not happy that Anna Nicole Smith died. It's never fun to hear about someone dying young, especially suddenly. It's shocking and it's upsetting and it sucks. But it doesn't deserve all this attention, either.

Everyday I visit CNN and everyday I see something about Anna Nicole Smith on there. Autopsy results, legal battles, custody disputes...and now judges ordering embalming procedures.

Now...I'm not a doctor, or a mortician. But I'm pretty sure that you don’t need a JUDGE to order your body to be embalmed after you die. In fact, I'm pretty sure a judge isn't involved with ANYTHING relating to your death, unless you are murdered or something. Why the fuck is a judge taking a personal interest in this death?

Because it's Anna Nicole Smith, and she's a celebrity, and blah blah blah.

I understand the custody battle aspect of this whole case, I really do. There's money to be had, and family members who want it, and lovers who want a piece of the pie. But keeping her body on ice all this time is We Todd Did and it's disgusting and it's bullshit.

I'm so sick of hearing about it, to be honest. She's dead and it sucks, but seriously...stop talking about it. I don't think it's news worthy of front-page status, and I certainly don't think it's more important or world-affecting as say....other news.

Kansas vs. Evolution

Finally! No more insanity.

Kansas Brings Evolution Back to Schools

For many moons now, living in Kansas has been annoying only in the sense that so many people found it frustrating that the state decided to outlaw teaching evolution in classrooms, as it was just a "theory" and had no place in a place of learning. So no Big Bang, no humans evolved from the primordial ooze...nada.

Of course, many of us saw the benefit of teaching BOTH theories on the creation of the universe, and said so. Kansas Board of Education said NO, and the people of Kansas have gotten shit ever since.

Now, don't get me wrong. I think stuff like the clip above are friggin hilarious and I'm glad that residents of Kansas such as myself were able to tell the world that we didn't vote for this crap. I mean, religion and science have always been at war, and most of those battles have been fought within the walls of our classrooms. But to suddenly not allow one or the other will always cause problems and create anger and blah blah blah. You get the idea.

So anyway, without being preachy or without trying to start a debate, I can say I am very happy with Kansas' decision to bring back Evolution in schools. Hatred and repression only causes more problems, and we have to all learn to get along.

Now we just need to figure out a way to keep teachers from fucking our students.

Exploratory Committees and Why They Suck

Speaking of nothing whatsoever, and having no segue way into this of any kind, I was thinking about how completely lame the term “Presidential Exploratory Committee” is. I mean, what the fuck does that phrase have to do with running for President? Seriously…it makes no damn sense. Examine the words:

Presidential: Having to do with, or relating to the Presidency and/or decisions related to said position.

Exploratory: (adj.) Having to do with the act of exploration. To discover new things. To investigate, study, or analyze.

Committee: A group of people who consider, investigate, take action on, or report on a situation or decision.

So, when a person says they have made the decision to form a Presidential Exploratory Committee, are they trying to say that they have formed a group of people to investigate or study the current President? Or are they trying to say that they have formed a group of people to explore or study the act of making presidential decisions or actions? It’s possible that they are saying that they are currently heading up a committee to examine and explore the potential idea for a Presidential campaign to be run sometime in the near future, and that their committee will most likely end up coming to the conclusion that their candidate is the best person qualified for said presidential position.

Or perhaps they are just so full of shit they make up phrases, and want to sound more important than they really are. I bet THAT is the real reason.

Fucking lame.

The best part is, this shows me how full of shit EVERY SINGLE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE is, since they all started doing this at the same time. I may be wrong, but I don't recall anybody heading up an "exploratory committee" the last time we voted for a President. That tells me, that one person started doing it recently and then they ALL started doing it, for fear of being outdone or left behind. Like they are so special or smart for using bullshit phrases and expressions to make themselves seem more important, or something?

Double fucking lame.

Now if you excuse me, I have to form a solitary task force whose mission statement revolves around the intended uses of indoor plumbing with the use of porcelain receptacles.


PS: It's my birthday today. Oh, whatever. Don't pretend to give a shit. I'm well aware that a person's birthday is of very little importance to very many people other than the person actually celebrating their birth. For the rest of us, saying "Happy Birthday" has become nothing more than a automatic response, like saying "God bless you" when somebody sneezes.

Superbowl Snack Day

So here I sit, the day after the Superbowl Snack Day in my corporate cubicle hell waiting for the trans-fat coma to subside so I can move my legs again. I know that the Superbowl is similar to Thanksgiving except with nothing but fatty, cholesterol saturated, heart-attack inducing foods rather than turkey and stuffing. People go crazy with the junk food on Superbowl Sunday, and I see nothing wrong with that. Traditions should be maintained and past events should be commemorated…but my dear God in heaven, I’m pretty sure I had a mini-heart attack last night with all the crap I shoveled into my mouth in an effort to avoid nutrition at all costs.

Bean dip, spin dip, nachos, bratwurst, beer, Rotel dip, black pepper jack chips…there was a plethora of hip-jiggling food concoctions in my apartment last night to make all of us in attendance feel as fat and lazy and certain girls who injure themselves while trying to do simple tasks. At one point, I found myself debating whether or not to get up off the couch in order to refill my plate full of artery-clogging devices, or remain seated and try to save my dignity by eating a carrot instead.

I decided the best thing to do would be to get up off the couch and have some exercise in order to burn off the calories I was about to ingest from eating more bean dip.

Holy shit. Holy, holy, holy shit. We ate too much crap last night. I should probably eat nothing but lettuce with a side order of air tonight for dinner, but I’m sure I won’t do that because I’m stupid and apparently I hate my heart this weekend.

The wurst part of this whole thing, is that I have leftovers in the fridge. Nobody who came by last night and pigged out with me took any food home with them. They left it all to me and my will power.

Fuckers.

I thought about bringing the bags of chips and dips and hip-cancer foods here to the office so I could spread the fat around to my bitchy office-mates and co-workers. But then I realized that would require me to pack up a sack full of crap and bring it to work and serve it. That’s like…work. Screw that. Plus, I figure there are so many fatties here in cubicle hell, that odds are they would devour said food and be grateful for the chance to stuff their faces without feeling judged. They would have looks of ecstatic joy on their faces with each cheese-filled salty bite.

Well, I can’t stomach the idea of those bitches being happy. So I’ll keep my junk food at home in the dark, where it belongs.

On the plus side, I know that when I’m at the gym tonight running my ass off in an effort to quell the bulging protrusions of skin that is sure to accompany a day of snacking, I’ll feel better knowing that I was able to participate in the Superbowl Snacking Day without serious injury or any long-term effects.

Oh, and since many other people are doing this...I am going to copy them. Here are my favorite Superbowl Commercials, in no particular order: