Monday, April 03, 2006

There's a Reason Man Discovered Fire

It has always been my personal belief, that people who eat things raw or semi-raw are completely out of their minds. I have never understood the appeal of taking a piece of meat that is still bloody, briefly putting fire to it...and then shoving it into your mouth. Why is this cool? How can this possibly be considered a culinary positive? It has always seemed to me, that the best way to eat meat is to season it with spices and herbs, cook it, and then eat it. As simple as this would appear to be, apparently there are people out there who believe that the best way to truly appreciate devouring the flesh of another living creature is to do it in the most primitive, primal way possible...tear it off the bone while the heart is still beating. Only then will you truly savor the life force of your prey, and enjoy you meal.

I'm here to say, that I am not one of these people. I was raised in one of those crazy households that likes to cook the food, before we eat it. The only un-cooked food that is even remotely acceptable to me, is cookie dough. Other than that, you'd better stick it in the oven before I'll touch it. Raw meat is lame. So lame, it limps. It limps off your plate, then runs into the garden to heal and recuperate so it can come back and slap you upside the head, for trying to eat it without cooking it, first.

That being said, I went with some friends to a sushi restaurant this weekend. I allowed myself to be persuaded into trying raw fish, on the basis that it was a new experience and potentially happy situation.




I fucking hated it. I tried two different pieces of sushi...spicy shrimp and a California roll. Both of them made me fear God. When I popped the first one into my mouth, I actually had a moment in which I debated whether or not to vomit on the table in front of everybody...or simply turn my head and aim for the plant in the corner. The only other time I felt such an overwhelming need for regurgitation was that time I watched Dr. Phil without being high on crystal meth.

I take pride in the fact that I not only chewed and swallowed the whole piece of sushi roll...but I even tried a second bite of another, just to be absolutely positive that I hated the shit out of it. After that crap was done and I had proved to myself and everybody around me that my nuts are of good size, I drank as much plum wine and water as I could to help wash the taste of sea cow out of my mouth.

The taste is still there, though. Yesterday I was having lunch and I could swear I tasted raw spicy shrimp in my hamburger. I'm not was in there, I know it. Fucking chef bastards putting sushi into my cow patty.

So, I tried sushi. I hated sushi. I'm never eating sushi again.


Maccafreak said...

You are braver than I my friend...of course, I don't eat anything with a face, so I feel lucky when it comes to that!

Connie said...

FYI, there is NOT raw fish in a California roll. It's usually crab, avacado and cucumber. And for the record, I love them! But I agree about the raw meat and most raw fish. If it's still moo-ing, it still needs to be cooked.

Shanshu said...

Yeah, I know what's in a California roll. I didn't mean to say that was one of the 2 types of sushi I had, because you're right, that's not the case. The other kind I had was Spicy Tuna roll.

The California roll wasn't terrible, but I also figured out that I HATE seaweed.

It tastes like used whale toilet paper to me.

Think Frustrated said...

I am all for the "not ordering beef cooked rare." However, I like sushi, and I refuse to eat a vegetable if it is cooked. I need my veggies raw (did you know that when you cook a vegetable, it loses most of it's nutrition?).

Shanshu said...

I am right there with you! I hate cooked veggies...I like them raw and crispy.

Except the ones that have to be cooked, like corn.

Maccafreak said...

Yeah, I've never understood why people cook them until they become mush and have no nutritional value whatsoever. What's the point?

Osbasso said...

Way off topic... Have you been to my site? Someone from Lenexa was my 200,000th visitor, and Spinning Girl suggested it might have been you. No prizes or anything, just curious. The info is posted on my March 29th post. Let me know!

Shanshu said...

Very much a possibility, Osbasso. If it was me, I'm honored to be your 200K visitor!!

Does that make me, in any way special? I hope so.

Rowan said...

Im right there with ya, raw, red, pink, slighly not dark brown or white...I won't eat spite of being allergic to fish, I once tried god, few things taste that terrible...aside from maybe some cheeses...

DaMasta said...

I've always told people, "if I wanted to eat sushi, I'd stick my head in the fucking ocean".

They don't get it. But I'm soooo glad you do! Damn! I thought I was the only freak [normal person] that doesn't like sushi. Gah!

LMAO @ .. oh fuck it, the whole fucking post was funny.

In yo face!

kimberlina said...

dude, sushi rocks! you strange people, wanting your food not to resemble anything like what it really is.

i love my meat rare or medium rare. delicious! red soft tender juicy MEAT! just the way god intended.

and spicy tuna? raw tuna? sashimi goodness?


the more raw your food is, the more of the animal's soul you ingest. gives you power. i bet omi eats sushi for ninja stealth power.


Penny Shagwell said...

Sushi is fucking disgusting.

I've tried it twice (because my kids and hubby enjoy it) and both times the gag reflex reared it's ugly head and I had to force myself to chew and swallow the shit.

To the hubby & kids' credit, they only like the stuff with just crab and/or vegetarian stuff, but it's still fucking disgusting.

Nevermind the freakin' parasites that can hide it in.


Spinning Girl said...

At least now you know.

Jen said...

Unfortunately I was not as brave as Shan. I put a piece in my mouth and had to run to the bathroom. It was awful. We spent $50 on nothing.

To comment on your "why eat it rare" thing, the more you cook food, the less nutritional value it has.

Crystal said...

great. it's midnight and now i have a wicked spicy shrimp sushi craving.

thank you shanshu!!