Spider War

War.

It was to be war between us from the moment he crossed the threshold into my home. My sanctuary; my place of rest away from the cold cruelty of the world and the harsh light of day. It is my place of Zen and thus cannot be defiled by any creature that is not welcome. There is a balance between the world outside and the calmness within. This stranger chose to ignore the balance and invade my territory. So it was to be war between us, then.

So be it.

I quickly made my way to the laundry room to grab my weapon and extinguish my foe. I wrapped my hand around the cool, aluminum handle and pulled the dusty broom from its place of rest next to the washing machine. Thoughts of soiled clothing quickly entered my mind as I inhaled the smell of detergent and fabric softener.

Nearing the place where I had first discovered the intruder, I slowed my pace and crept lightly over the carpet. Stealth and my trusty broom were my only allies this night, and they would lead me to victory. I crept closer to the beast’s lair in-between the wires behind the entertainment center, hoping for a quick kill.

There he was.

I tightened the grip on my broom weapon and held my breath. I knew I had to be quick with my thrust, and aim true. If I were to miss, the beast would surely scamper away from the deadly end of my weapon and disappear into the tangle of wires once more.

Perhaps I would need assistance. I called to my woman, Jen. The slayer of bugs and cooker of meals would aid me in my hunt tonight to ensure a quick victory. We quickly formulated a plan of action. I would thrust my weapon to the left of the creature, forcing it to scurry to the right in fear and into our trap, where Jen would be waiting with her own weapon of floor cleaning.

I took a breath, and quickly drove the end of the broom handle to the very left of the creature, who jumped aside and scurried quickly to the right to avoid my thrust. Jen’s outstretched mop handle drove downwards quickly, and yet again the creature avoided the blow, this time heading back in the direction it came from, back to me.

I wasn’t ready. I aimed another thrust and missed wildly, and before I could aim another strike, the beast had slipped into the jungle of wires behind the entertainment center.

The beast had eluded us.

Cursing, I quickly began to thrust the broom handle into the tangled web of wires in the hopes that my prey would scurry for cover, and into our midst. He was not fooled by our ruse, and remained hidden in the safety of the wires. We discussed our next move, as we did not want to leave the creature back there to surprise us again at another time. We decided the best course of action would be to pull away the entertainment center from the wall, in the hopes that we would be given an opportunity to strike out against our foe. I pulled the entertainment center away from the wall, and sprang back ready to pounce!

Nothing happened. Shit.

Discouraged, we began to search again, when suddenly a scream from Jen caused me to turn around as I saw the creature scurrying away with such speed and agility I was momentarily stunned. I quickly recovered and chased after the beat as it ran across the living room rug and towards the couch. Wildly stomping my foot, I tried to end his life but he proved too quick for me, and reached the cover of the couch easily.

The little fucker had proven a worthy adversary.

The time had come for action. No more games, I told myself. Time to end this. I took position near the back of the couch, while Jen took position in front, gripping her mop handle firmly between her soft hands. Steeling myself, I raised the couch up from the floor, and the cunning arachnid bounded away from the couch….missing Jen’s thrust by inches…and dove for cover underneath the other sofa.

Cursing again and beginning to lose patience, I went to the back of the second sofa and looked beneath it for any signs of our prey. He sat calmly underneath the couch, near the leftmost edge. I couldn’t hear him breathing, but I knew it must be coming hard with all the running he was doing. Fearing another mistake, I took it upon myself to clear the room from any sources of cover the creature might take. The rug and the end table were moved and I told myself that our clever friend would not elude us much longer.

I told Jen to prepare, and once more lifted the couch off the ground to force our foe from his hiding place, and into our midst. He ran directly for Jen’s feet, causing her to emit a piercing scream of dismay while she blindly and chaotically shoved the mop handle into the ground in an effort to win the day. She was…unsuccessful, and the beast once more scurried underneath the sofa to safety.

Fuck.

Feeling the excitement of the hunt beginning to slip away to be replaced by hopelessness and anger, I did my best to calm my breathing. This was proving to be the most elusive, annoying fucking arachnid I had ever had the displeasure of doing battle with. A worthy foe, indeed.

Gripping my silver broom handle, I again lifted the couch and waited for signs of his approach. Jen cried out she had seen him, but he had ducked back into the couch again. I set down the couch and began to come to the front with her, when I saw out of the corner of my eye, my enemy.

He stood before me.

As he ran towards me, I raised my weapon above my head, and brought it down with a thunderous blow that shook the ground and shattered my weapon into pieces. As the broom head flew to the side from the force of the blow, I saw my foe dodge to the right and head back towards the couch in retreat.

GoddammitmotherfuckingspiderIwilleffingkillyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As the beast scurried towards the safety of the couch once more, I raised my broken weapon again above my head. Screaming my war cry, I brought down the silver bo with a quick, violent slam that caught my opponent mere inches away from the underside of the couch. The force of the thrust caused the creature to fly into the air and back into the middle of the room. Death found him quickly and probably without pain. He landed in a heap on the floor, already curled into the telltale ball that signaled the end of his life and my victory. He remained still.

Victory was mine!!

I erupted into a primal scream of glee and victory as I held aloft my silver spider killer weapon. Broken, bent, and destroyed it may have been…but dishonored, it was not. I dubbed it “Silverstick, the Spider Hammer” and laid it to rest next to the washing machine, where it belonged.

The battle had ended. My foe defeated.

The war was over.

60-foot Waterslide!

I did some pretty dumb things when I was a kid, and I'm sure I've done plenty of not-very-smart things during my college years and drunk adventures.


However, I am totally blown away by the amount of balls it would take to do this:


super fun happy slide



Holy effing shit.

Why Bill Murray is Still Cool

Bill Murray Arrested for DUI in Golf Cart

Random Friday

-I have two laptops on my desk at work right now because of a project I’m working on. They are the same make and model, so it’s like having twins. I’ve begun to feel guilty when I work on one more than the other. I don’t want to start some sort of cyber-sibling rivalry, you know. I’m considering giving them names.



-I’m allergic to cats. My friend sent me a picture of her new kitties and I was thinking about the fact that I miss having cats. I’ve heard about these allergy free cats they have, now. Apparently they are some sort of bio-engineered genetic mutations that don’t make you sneeze when you pick them up. You can order them online and have them (get this) shipped to you. I want to get one, but they’re like $2000 so I don’t see that happening any time soon.

-I was playing some online games last night on my Playstation. I joined a game where I was the only American…the other people were all Japanese. This was funny for numerous reasons, the biggest being that I don’t speak Japanese and they didn’t seem to speak English (there were headsets involved so we were talking back and forth). We played anyway, and every now and then, they would talk to me specifically. I know this, because all I could decipher was my own name (Shanshu). I can't fake Japanese very well, but it went something like this:

"Watashiwa hajime mash-dey, dozo yuroshky mishu SHANSHU domo origamo!"

For all I knew, they were cursing me out, saying hello…or possibly giving me a recipe for pan fried shrimp. No idea. I started saying random things back to them, too. “Wow, put that in your marzipan pan pie, bingo blue! The cat’s on the other neck now, horse testicle farmer.” It was funny to me.

-My new favorite drink is half Guinness and half apple cider. I’ve heard this called Snakebite, Moonbeam, and Black Velvet. I don’t know what the real name is, and I don’t care. I just like it. If you try one, be sure you get it in a glass, so you can see the cool chemical effect.

-I’m hung-over as I type this.

-I love The Far Side comics. I always get a Far Side desk calendar for Christmas. I’m dreading the year I don’t get one, and blow a gasket over the whole ordeal and cause a big scene.

-I had eggs, toast, and a rasher for breakfast.

-My favorite soda right now is Cherry Coke Zero. Try it out. You’ll be amazed at how good it tastes.

-I wish I could give out tickets for bad driving. I wouldn’t want to actually pull people over though, since that would take more precious time away from my life. I think the best thing to do would be to keep a log of all the bad driving I encounter on a daily basis and then send that list to the police, who would mail tickets out to the idiots in question. Sort of like a secret shopper, only with vehicular vendetta!

-You don’t know what a rasher is, do you?

-There’s a guy standing behind me right now and I have no idea who he is. I wonder if it’s a ninja. I’m afraid to turn around because he might be looking at me, and that would really freak me out.

Californication

Most of the time I consider myself to be somewhat of a snob when it comes to cinema and television. The reason being that I have grown to love the visual art form genre, and the things we love tend to be easier to criticize. Having stated that necessary but semi-pretentious introduction, I will now inform my loyal seven readers of my newest and most exciting media event in months: Californication.



David Duchovny is back and better than ever in this new series on Showtime. While the series plot has only just begun to grow and show us the murky depths of emotional confusion and sexual energy that is possible in dramatic comedies, it is obvious that Californication will become a new hit loved by generations X, Y, and possibly even Z.



Duchovny plays author Hank Moody (a name I truly hope is a pen name and not a not-so-subtle hint towards his character’s mood) who recently relocated to Los Angeles from New York. Traveling to LA to secure his new movie deal and spread his creative wings in a new city, he finds himself thrown into a web of surprises, disappointments, and seemingly infinite romantic possibilities. Harboring a complicated but very real love for his ex-girlfriend and daughter and suffering from a new case of writer’s block, Hank does his best to adapt to his new surroundings and take back the life he once had.


Duchovny’s supporting cast is well chosen and easy to welcome in, including his ex-girlfriend (played by Natascha McElhone) who is currently harboring thoughts of getting married to a man that Duchovny’s character is not exactly thrilled about knowing. The back and forth between Hank and his ex’s new love interest is worth the price of admission, alone.



You might also remember Hank’s agent (Evan Handler) from Sex and the City and guest appearances on Lost and Friends.

The story is interesting, the characters are believable and fun, and the sexual deviance and chaotic normalcy of everyday life in LA is hard to ignore and even harder to dislike.

This is my new addiction, and I’m happy to have it. Californication is a great new show with tremendous potential to steal away our Monday nights. Check it out on Showtime, Monday nights at 9:30.

Jen's footnote: I read this post and skimmed the review, assuming that Shanshu had copied it from some movie review site. When I told him this, he informed me that he had, in fact, written the review himself. I asked him to allow me to add this little footnote in case any of his other blog fans assumed the same. Shan wrote it. He's a writing rock star.

*This ends my shameless plug and Showtime’s free publicity.
(Showtime, if you’re reading this, please inform your gift department that my favorite color is black and I enjoy mini-muffins. Blueberry.)

*Also note that some of the pictures above were borrowed from Showtime’s Californication site. I used them with permission….I hope. They didn’t tell me I couldn’t do it.
(Again, if you are reading this, Showtime: please know that I am giving you credit for your pictures and I hope you don’t get mad at me. No shouting, please. If you want me to take them down from my site, I will gladly to so to avoid your wrath.)

Wednesday Wacky

Random Thought:

When we are in the car, and we hear something on the radio that we don't like (because we hate that commercial, or the song is lame, etc), WHY do we look at the radio in disgust, as if the sound is coming out of the radio head unit itself???

You know you do it. I do it, too. Why do we do that? The sound is coming from the speakers...yet we look at the radio console as if it were a television.

Weird.

A Lesson Before Breaking Up

Taken from a conversation a friend of mine had with a guy she had been seeing. Apparently, the guy freaked out when he found out she owned a vibrator. She called him recently to end the relationship, and forwarded me the conversation. I had to share. The names have obviously been changed to protect the not-so-innocent.

Eve: Hey, Adam, it’s me.
Adam: Hi baby.
Eve: Listen, I really don’t think this is going to work out.
Adam: What are you talking about?
Eve: What else would I be talking about?
Adam: I don’t know.
Eve: Then why…never mind. I don’t think WE’RE going to work out.
Adam: What’s wrong? Why?
Eve: You flipped out at me over a vibrator.
Adam: Because you don’t need it anymore. LOL
Eve: Who says? Plenty of guys enjoy them too. I asked a bunch of my friends today and it seems like you’re in the minority on this one.
Adam:Whatever.
Eve: See, that’s why this isn’t going to work. You can’t even talk like a grown-up. All you ever say is ‘Whatever’.
Adam: No I don’t. Why do you need a vibrator?
Eve: It’s not about need, it’s about want. I want it. I like it. It’s fun. Why can’t you get used to it?
Adam: I won’t. It’s weird. I can understand having one if you’re single or ugly. LOL
Eve: ...Right. Well, I’m sure you’ll be happier with someone who likes only two positions and fakes orgasms with you.
Adam: Whatever.
Eve: Ok, well...good luck.
Adam: Whatever.

*click*

Now, here’s how I told her the conversation should have ended:

Eve: Hey, Adam, it’s me.
Adam: Hi baby.
Eve: Listen, I really don’t think this is going to work out.
Adam: What are you talking about?
Eve: What else would I be talking about?
Adam: I don’t know.
Eve: Then why…never mind. I don’t think WE’RE going to work out.
Adam:What’s wrong? Why?
Eve: You flipped out at me over a vibrator.
Adam:Because you don’t need it anymore. LOL
Eve: Who says? Plenty of guys enjoy them too. I asked a bunch of my friends today and it seems like you’re in the minority on this one.
Adam: Whatever.
Eve: See, that’s why this isn’t going to work. You can’t even talk like a grown-up. All you ever say is ‘Whatever’.
Adam:No I don’t. Why do you need a vibrator?
Eve: Because your penis is too small.
Adam: Wha-
Eve: Listen, can I call you back later? I’m busy using my vibrator at the moment. I’ll call you when I’m finished, and everybody leaves.
Adam: Wha-who-wh-

*click*

Random Friday

I used to always do Random Friday posts. I didn't do them every Friday, mind you, because then they would cease to be come "random" and I would be forced to call them "Normal Friday posts" or something else equally lame. Since I am neither lame nor boring in bed I thought I would spew forth another random Friday post to keep our blood pumping hot for a few more hours until we leave work for the day.

-I tried a new concoction this morning for breakfast. Eggs and hash browns and leftover taco meat wrapped in a whole wheat tortilla with Velveeta cheese. As expected, it was beyond horrible.

-I have a friend who has a wife who drives me fucking batty. I swear, whenever she talks to me I'd rather light my own hair on fire and try putting it out by punching my own head.

-I was once with a girl who orgasmed 7 times in one sitting. She wasn't even getting paid.

-There was a cop following behind me this morning on the way to work. We reached a stoplight intersection and the people across from us were turning left and there was a mini-traffic jam blocking the way...yet people continued to turn. I was beyond annoyed that I was going to miss my turn on the green light...until the cop flipped on his lights, pointed at the cars that were blocking the intersection, and told them (through the use of hand movements and pointing) to get the fuck out of the way. They did. We went through the light. I was happy, and for the first time in a long time I was happy a cop was driving beside me.

-The best part of the movie Black Snake Moan is the fact that you get to see Christina Ricci naked.

-I enjoyed the final Harry Potter book. I still think the ending should have involved a threesome with Harry, Ron, and Hermione but oh well. I'm sure there's a porn out there somewhere that has done that already. It's probably called Harry Twatter or something.

-Nemo me impune lacessit

-Random movie quote: "I think you're all fucked in the head. We're ten hours from the fucking fun park and you want to bail out. Well I'll tell you something. This is no longer a vacation. It's a quest. It's a quest for fun. I'm gonna have fun and you're gonna have fun. We're all gonna have so much fucking fun we'll need plastic surgery to remove our goddamn smiles. You'll be whistling 'Zip-A-Dee Doo-Dah' out of you're assholes! I gotta be crazy! I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose. Praise Marty Moose! Holy Shit!"

-I've had a digital camera for awhile now, and I have yet to take any dirty pictures with it.

-In case you missed it, here is a video of some of us partying. Please note Jen's drunkenness and be sure to rate the video so it will become famous and I'll make no money from it. And don't make fun of my ability to operate a camera while drunk.

-My South Park character, created by my friend Lindsey:

-When I was a kid we used to mix vanilla and sugar into our milk. We called it "Sugar Milk".

-If you have 3 quarters, 4 dimes, and 4 pennies, you have $1.19 This is the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

-I hate, hate, HATE the sound of folding paper. Especially when people fold it between their fingers. FUCK I hate that sound. It makes my teeth itch.

-I was in Rome, Italy during one of the first snowfalls they had in years. Everybody there was excited. I was pissed, since I'm from the Midwest and snow doesn't impress me.

-I find cleavage sexier than naked.



-I had a root canal last week and it didn't even hurt. I don't know what the big deal is.

-Wii sports is the most fun you can have with your clothes on, period.

-This post took 57 minutes to create.

Try Spelling THAT in your Alphabet Soup!

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu

You probably think I dozed off after looking at porn and my head fell on the keyboard, creating the jumbled circlejerk of letters above, right? Wrong.

Oh, if only it were that simple. That is actually a name. I swear. It's the name of a hill located in New Zealand. I shit you not.

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu!!!!!

Holy effing shit. Try saying that.....period. I tried a few times, but then I got tired and started looking at porn.

Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu has got to be the longest name of a place, ever created. If it's not, then my world scares me just a little bit more than it did a few minutes ago. I mean, if there can be a place called Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu and it's not in the book of records somewhere, that's just crazy.

I think I might have to get me a tee shirt that says "I've visited Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu and all I got was a headache from trying to say the fucking name and this lousy t-shirt".

Hmmm. That might make me rich. Nobody steal it. I've got this post time-stamped, you know.

Here's the Wikipedia link

Once More With Feeling

While trying my best to be a guy’s guy and prove to anybody who may not believe me that I do in fact, have a penis and that I do not cry while watching romance movies and that I do not believe that flowers have feelings…sometimes I do something that completely counteracts anything I might have to say to prove my heterosexuality.

This weekend was one of those times.

I went to a Buffy sing-along show on Friday night. I was dragged by kicking horses…..No, I was led by beautiful women with promises of lust and debauchery and free beer….I was forced to go…..oh, bollocks. I won’t lie to you. I wanted to go.

There, I said it. I wanted to go. Nobody forced me. Although, I will point out that it wasn’t my idea in the first place. That being said, I still thought it sounded like fun and went to see what it was all about.

Here’s the skinny: If you’ve ever watched the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you might know that there is an episode in which a demon comes into town and makes everybody display their deepest secrets through the truly evil use of show-tune style songs. Basically, it’s a musical episode but done in a “we don’t understand why we are singing” sort of way. It was very cool when it first aired.

Since the episode aired, the musical episode (called “Once More, With Feeling”) has developed a sort of cult following, and it even went so far as to be watched by numerous people in a theatre-style setting.

This is the part where you assume the theatre would be filled with freaks and losers….and you’d be pretty close to accurate with that thought.

People get together at a movie theatre and air the Buffy musical episode, while singing along to the lyrics and dancing about the aisles. There’s even some Buffy trivia and games and karaoke and prizes and such.

I went not knowing what to expect...and even though I had to keep checking my crotch to ensure my man penis hadn’t shriveled up inside myself to become a vagina, I had a good time. We sang, we laughed, we got super drunk….it was good times for all.

There were several “Rocky Horror Picture Show” types there, of course. But they stayed to themselves and ate small bunnies in the corner quietly so we paid them no mind. One of them got to close to our seats so we had to wield our torches close to their face and yell “Back! Back, creature!” until she went away. I was sad to see her go, though since she was only wearing a slip and high heels….

Anyway, the Buffy sing-along was a good time and if you are a fan of the Buffyverse you should consider checking it out if it ever comes to your town.

I DO have a penis. I swear. If I have to, I’ll post a pic of it.

You’ll see.

MTV News on Buffy

New York Post

Link to the Buffy musical site

Back From Oak Island

I'm back from vacation. I fucking hate being back here. I miss the beach.

We went to Oak Island, NC last week. We were there for seven fun-filled days of sunshiney joygasm at our oceanfront cottage held up by stilts. I assume that the stilts are supposed to help save the house in case the tide comes up too far, or a hurricane reaches too close to the shoreline. Perhaps they just found it cute.

Regardless, I am home now and NOT fucking happy about it.

Spending all that time on the beach is a great way to restore your emotional chi and convert all that stress into creative ways to drink and show various naked parts of your body as frequently as possible.

We had a blast.

The weather was awesome. The sun shone down on us almost everyday, and the wind kept a nice cool breeze from the ocean to ensure we never got too hot. The drinks were plenty and tasted good. Mine were usually blue drinks. I have no idea what was in them, but after 2 glasses I would start to get that fuzzy happy warm feeling in my nethers that inevitably led to semi-nakedness and a desire to munch on chips.

I got pinched by a crab. The little fucker nailed me while I was sitting in the surf enjoying myself. I bled and cursed and now I have two puncture marks on my hand. We went out that night and hunted for crabs to get my revenge on.

VENDETTA!!!!

We found a few that night, but the little fuckers are fast. Alas, vengeance was not mine.

Jen got stung by a jellyfish. We're not sure about this, but it seems likely. We did NOT try to hunt down any more for the sake of revenge. We decided to be monk-like and take the higher road...which means we were scared to get back in the water for a few hours.

We all drank. A lot. Did I mention that?

We took 188 pictures of the beach and ourselves and our house and the airport and a whole bunch of other things that sound more boring than they actually were.

Speaking of airports, have you ever been to the Wilmington, NC airport (ILM)? It's like the airport on the show Wings. I mean, there were fucking rocking chairs in there, instead of normal chairs.

Effing rocking chairs, yo.

I have pictures. I will share some of them when I get home and have access to them. Right now I'm at stupid work and I hate it and have no access to pictures or happiness.

I miss the beach. Work sucks. I have P.O.D. (Post Oak-Island Depression)