"Witches in days gone by were roasted just like my Vienna sausage."
"Why Ike...whatever do you mean? Maybe poker's just not your game, Ike. I know! Let's have a spelling contest!"
"I don't know why they call this stuff 'Hamburger Helper'. It does just fine by itself."
"And shepherds we shall be, for Thee my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet might swiftly carry out Thy command, and we will flow a river forth to Thee, and teaming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti."
"Wow, I didn't know we'd become such good friends. Because if we had, you'd know that I give head before I give favors and I don't even give my best friends head. So your chances of getting a favor right now are pretty fucking slim."
"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me."
"I'll tell you what I'm doing. I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don't need. So I am removing the superfluous buns."
"Wrong. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain means'. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."
"Celibate? I think...I mean, that sounds gay- I just want you to know this is like, the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this, and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a gay guy now"."
"Yeah, let me guess something. This is your first visit to La-La-Land. You're staying somewhere in Hollywood because like an idiot you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. Am I right so far? I knew it. Somehow you get on a bus and before you know it you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue, which brings us to here. Correct again? Where are you staying....The Holiday Inn?"
"I have eight different bosses right now. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation; is not to be hassled. That, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob...that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired."
"The space goes down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. I met a girlfriend - a triscuit. She said, a triscuit - a biscuit. Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top. Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week. I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit. I'm cool. I'm hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times."
"I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about! I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that!! Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?"
"Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."