Monday, September 10, 2007

Fornication

A Random Memory From My Childhood

My friend Ray and I were walking to the store since we didn't have anything else to do and it was summer, and we were bored. So while we were walking and talking, we started talking about "the sex". Now, I don't remember exactly how old I was, but I think it was around 12 or 13.

We were talking about the dirty stuff and trying to show each other up with our mature knowledge of the subject matter. Since we weren't old enough to actually have sex yet, the next best thing was to pretend like we knew a lot of stuff.

So it was still a competition, in a very adolescent "I've never kissed a girl" kind of way. At one point, we decided to start switching gears from stuff we knew about, to stuff we had actually done. This was particularly humorous since we hadn't done anything at that point, unless you count the movies we had seen with the random side boob showing, or the older kids who had claimed to do everything under the sun, with every girl in school...twice.

Regardless, we continued revealing our sexual experiences back and forth, neither one gaining much ground and the claims becomming greatly far-fetched. At one point, I was attempting to make Ray believe I had felt up a girl who was in school to be a nun because she wanted to know what it was like to have a boy touch her before she took her "pre-vow" Vows.

Yeah. That's how 12 year old Shanshu rolls. He goes after the make-believe pre-nun girls.

Ray decided to lob one back over the fence to me, and it was a doozy. He claimed that he had been fornicated in the restroom at school last week. I stopped in my tracks and turned to him, dumbfounded. Fornicated? What the heck did that mean?

I tried to play it cool, but that didn't last very long and soon I was discovered.

"You don't know what fornicated means, do you??" Ray laughed as he looked at me. I continued to stare at him, debating my choices. I decided to take the high ground, and informed him that I had never in fact, heard of this term before. He laughed again and told me he would explain.

He then proceeded to tell me that when a girl "fornicates you" she rubs your 'thing' back and forth and up and down until it gets hard. Then she stops and you've officially been "fornicated".

...

I told him that sounded painful. He nodded and said, "Yeah it hurt a little bit but you know, you get used to it and it's cool that she's doing it". I stared at him again and asked, "Well...why does she do that, anyway? What's the point?"

He looked at me and said, "Dumbass! It's supposed to get you off!"

"What does that mean?"

"It means...you get off, that's all."

"But what does it mean?"

"You get off when you pee on her hand. I didn't get off that day because I didn't have to go."

"Huh. That sounds stupid."

"Well, you're just too young to get it, yet."

"What? You're only 4 months older, dorkhead!"

"Well, you'll see what I mean in 4 months, then."


For a couple of years afterwards, I was completely convinced that a handjob was the same thing as "being fornicated" by a girl. Needless to say, when I was in health class and the teacher was asking us to explain what different sexual terms meant...I was SLIGHTLY embarassed when I piped up with my brilliant explanation of what it means when a girl "fornicates" you in the bathroom.

Fuck you, Ray. You made me look stupid. Thanks for nothing.

9 comments:

Callie said...

I just have one thing to say . . .

thank GOD I had girls.

Boys are . . . nevermind.

:-D

Anonymous said...

LMMFAO...

~Linds

Think Frustrated said...

We used to do the same thing when I was a kid. It was at the lunchtable, though. We used to see who knew more about what. I remember that one kid thought "doggy style" was when you went down on a girl. Now that's funny.

OKISenior said...

You were such a cute little wannabe slut!

Crabby said...

Ray took it one step too far. If he'd just left it laying there without the explanation, you'd have never been the wiser.

Dude? Nuns? ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Think Frustrated said...

Oh, and the technical term for what Ray described is called "blue balls," or "someone knocking on the door while you're waxing the rocket."

Heather said...

Wow. Makes me want some fornication. Great story, it cracked me up and I had to show it around.

Shanshu said...

callie: I think I would be more worried about having girls, because then I would wonder what the boys were saying about them in the bathroom.

crabby: Heck yes, nuns! They nuntastic.

tf: lol....I've never heard the whole "rocket thing" before. Well done.

heather: thanks! welcome! go get you some fornication, girl. It's all about the rocket.

cathouse teri said...

That fuckin' Ray! Give me his number!