Monday, May 23, 2005

8-10 Days means "Someday"

A month has passed, since they told me. A whole month has passed, since I was told the news that caused me to retain a small glimmer of hope within myself. A month has passed, since I began to wait patiently by the window, staring out into the void of human existence as the darkness of human betrayal slowly engulfed me. With each passing day, the worry grew more and more dense, as if I were crawling through a jungle of despair too thick to navigate, or escape. On the 10th day, I worried. On the 20th day, I wept. On the 30th day…today, I began to feel the fire of annoyance and anger rise up within me like a Sith Lord denied his red light saber. Now a thirst for vengeance and justice stirs within me, and if I had a cape and some flattering tights, I would change into my super-hero costume, and prowl the streets in search of the villains responsible for this horrible discrepancy. I would find the man responsible, grab him by the shirt and say “You told me 10 days. You said that I would have my 2003 Kansas State Tax Refund Check no later than 10 days. You lied to me, tax boy. Now, I must destroy you.”

Betrayal is a horrible thing. They say that the lowest level of Hell is reserved for those of us who betray. Without penance, asking forgiveness, and suffering self-guilt and disgust, we are bound by laws greater than us, to suffer for our transgressions for all eternity. In this way, I feel somewhat relieved at the idea that, because of karma, the Kansas Department of Revenue should someday receive their comeuppances, and a rain of toads and boils shall descend upon them from above. Those bastards told me 10 days MAXIMUM for me to receive my state tax refund check.

Of course, I should have (and did, somewhat) expect this to transpire. After all, the refund was for the 2003 tax year, not the 2004. I filed a year late, and that kind of act begs to have some problems and annoyances follow it. I expected as much, and tried as best as I could, to avoid these consequences. I made sure I filled out my Change of Address form with the Post Office accurately and completely, and ahead of schedule. I verified this change with the local Postman (a very nice woman) at my former apartment complex, to ensure that there would be no delivery disruption of my mail. I contacted the Kansas Department of Revenue to verify that my 2003 tax refund check had been processed and sent. I was told the following: “Well, I see here that the refund has been filed, and the check was created. So that means that it would have been mailed off, by now. It should arrive in 8-10 business days.”

Fair enough.

Now I sit here, one month later, with no refund check and no hope. My world has come crashing down upon me; the stars no longer shine, nor does the honey taste sweet. The government….MY government…has lied to me. Woe to us, in these dark times, when even the trusted democracy that we so cherish can stab us in the back. When did things get so bad, I ask you?

Trying to retain some speck of patience and faith in “The System”, I contacted the Kansas Department of Revenue once again today, to enquire of the status of my refund check. They told me, rather matter-of-factly, that the refund check was sent out on April 22, 2005 and should have been received by me, at this point. No shit? Wow. I guess I have it, then. Oh, wait…NO, I DON’T HAVE IT, YOU PATHETIC LITTLE WORM OF A MAN! If I DID HAVE IT, WHY ON EARTH WOULD I CALL YOU TO ASK ABOUT IT?


The nice moron at the department of revenue (who I KNOW has to wear a helmet to keep himself from hurting himself while he’s at the office) informed me that I will need to contact the United States Post Office to find out about the missing tax refund. So I go to USPS on the web, and use their swanky “Post Office Locator Tool” to search for the nearest Post Office to me, who would (hopefully) be able to tell me why I still have no tax refund to spend. Billy Bob Never Works Too Hard Because He Might Have To Think informs me that the refund check hasn’t reached me, yet because I moved and mail needs to be forwarded.

Mail needs to be forwarded when you move? Holy Shit. I had no idea this was the way of things. Oh, wait. I DID KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DID THAT ALREADY. Remember? I even verified that my mail was being forwarded by my own personal Postman (the rather nice woman) before I even moved!

After a moment of silence and reflection, I was able to calmly inform Mr. Poop Head that I already forwarded my mail, and filled out a change of address form with the USPS. I also informed him that all of my other mail has had no problem reaching me, and so why would the tax refund be any different? After a brief pause, which was no doubt used to shake the excrement out of his hollow skull, Mr. Neverbeenlaid informed me that sometimes there is a LAG in mail that is forwarded, and that my tax refund might be coming along, any day now.

You lying punk.

He also informed me that if I wished, I could fill out a USPS Form 1510, which is an official request to have an investigation started into the whether-to’s and the why-for’s as to where my refund check has vanished to.


In the meantime, I contacted the Kansas Department of Revenue one more time, hoping that somehow, things have changed since last we spoke. They told me that if the Post Office could not produce the refund check, and if the refund check is not in the mailbox as of TODAY (which I will find out at lunch), that I will have to submit a request of an official change of address with the KDR, and then submit a new request (separate, of course) to have the original refund check be a STOP PAYMENT and then request the issue of a new refund check, to be mailed to the correct address.

The Federal Government and the state of Kansas have lied to me. They have betrayed me, and confused me. I have done everything that was asked of me, and I have done everything correctly. Even still, they have disappointed me and shown me that even when you do what they ask, they will still screw you over, just for the fun of it. They have shown me that there is no hope left in this world, and that cows have the right idea. I should be so lucky, to just stand around all day and chew my own already-digested grass cud and wait to be made into steak.

Anyway, I suppose that in 8-10 business days, I might have an update for you about my tax refund. Then again, you might be driving down the road and see me standing in a field, enjoying my cud. You never know.

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