Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Costume Lameness

Should I wear fake blood on my face? Do these pants look like something a necromancer would wear? Are we going to have metal swords, or just those wooden ones like last time? Why is Amanda making out with that goblin in the corner? Doesn’t she know that he’s here with the pink fairy over by the cheese cubes? Besides, everybody knows that goblins and elves hate each other…

Yes, kiddies. It’s almost that time of year again. The Eve of All Hallows…the day before…um…the Hallows. The time of costumes, mass amounts of candy consumption, and a burning desire to look at your fellow peers and friends in a very sexy new light. It’s the one day of the year, when even the geekiest girl among us can roam the streets dressed like complete whore without fear of imprisonment or ridicule. Halloween is the day when we all allow ourselves to succumb to some of those darker impulses, and find comfort in the darkness. On this day, we do not shy away from those things that scare us…we embrace them.

The most important aspect of this day is the ritualistic yet necessary custom of dressing up in costumes. We wear outfits/masks/makeup in an attempt to be as scary/sexy/funny as we can be in the name of good fun and holiday cheer. The ancient custom of wearing masks dates back from when people believed that All Hallows Eve was the night when the demons and evil creatures would walk among us, in search of….candy, apparently. These roaming candy demons would devour any humans they came across, and so people would wear scary masks to pass as just another evil being in search of chocolate goodness. Kind of like gargoyles, except without the statues and high buildings. The tradition of dressing up in costumes started out as a superstitious tactic to avoid the undead. Today, it’s usually just an excuse to see that girl in accounting dress up in a sexy French maid outfit.

Even though Halloween is a good month or so away, I’m trying very hard this year to be prepared. I was a Boy Scout, after all and that was our motto: be prepared. So this year, instead of coming up with a lame costume idea at the last minute ("this is my costume…serial killers look like everybody else!"), I’ve decided that this year I’m going to put some thought into it.

So, while I was online today looking at costume ideas and online costume shops, I noticed something that had never really occurred to me, before. Halloween costumes are designed with hot girls in mind, and hot girls only. I mean, there were TONS of costumes out there for the ladies, and they all involved the showing of legs, the breasts, or both. Of course, that doesn’t bother me too much…it’s just the fact that all of the men’s costumes definitely stood on the side of suck. Like I want to dress up like a giant slice of pizza? Please.

There were sexy vampire outfits complete with mesh stockings and long, jet black wigs and pearly white teeth for the ladies…and a puffy white shirt with a gay cape for the men. Grrr….argh!

There were sexy nurse outfits, sexy French maid outfits…even a SEXY NUN outfit, for crissake! Women have about 1,001 cool costume possibilities, all of which make them sexier and more desirable than they were before. What do the men have to choose from? A purple-cloaked wizard costume complete with a long white beard and pointy elf shoes, or an adult size Harry Potter costume.


The men’s costumes are always lame. Prisoner costumes…black and white striped pajamas with a cute little bell-boy hat and maybe a ball-and-chain accessory for some “realism”. Vampire costumes that make us look…well, gay. Couple costumes that make us look retarded and lame like Raggedy Ann and Andy outfits. I even saw a full-sized Spiderman costume. Now, come on!! I like Spiderman as much as the next dork, but I’m not about to dress up like the fucker on Halloween. "My spidey-sense is tingling! It's telling me I'm not going to get laid tonight." Seriously, what chance do men have with the ladies when they look retarded?

“Dude! Look at Jessica in that outfit! Her boobs look great and she’s so hot!”
“Yeah, man. Totally. I would go talk to her, but this giant Yoda head makes my voice sound funny. You go talk to her, man.”
“I can’t…I’m afraid this Garfield outfit makes me look fat.”

Lame. It’s my mission this year to wear an outfit that doesn’t make me look like a complete and total loser. Hopefully I can come up with something that will allow me to do the nasty with a sexy bar wench or Renaissance chick, instead of sitting at home in my X-Men outfit using my new mutant abilities to change the channel on the TV.

Any cool costume ideas this year? Post a comment and tell us about it.


Bashful Blue said...

Great post! I think you should just go naked. It makes it easier for the group bunny. :)

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

lol hilarious stuff!

p.s. Spider-Man *is* sexy. At least, in my opinion.

drunkbh said...

For some reason, this makes me think of you.

Bashful Blue said...

Good one, drunkbh! I still think he should go naked! But this is a good second option.

Shanshu said...

Heh! Funny enough...I'm actually considering going as a pirate this year. I've never done it before, and I think it would be fun.

Naked would be fun, too!

Ms. Adventures said...

I second the pirate. That one is the sexy Johnny Depp pirate, not some lame shiver-me-timbers pirate.

Your post is HI-larious btw.

You could try making it yourself OR even (because I am too cheap to buy a new one for a one time event) check the goodwill. Seriously. They get tons of costumes. Just a though.

Crystal said...

So, if you were going to turn into your costume, what would you dress as? I think I'd go with a rocket scientist or something so I could get all the knowledge flooded into my brain, much like Xander did.

When I was a kid my parents used to get dressed up and go to an adult halloween party each year. I remember once he dressed as a "motorcycle man" complete with the racing gear. Apparently all the women, including a hottie dressed as a cat, kept flirting with him all night and my pregnant step-mom who was dressed as a pumpkin was highly pissed off.

Ms. Adventures said...

LOL@pregnant women who dress as pumpkins!

Kay said...

I haven't dressed up as anyting since I quit going trick-or-treating waaaay back in the day. I feel like I'm missing out. Is this going to a costume party on Halloween a widely done thing?

Monkey said...

Vampires and Pirates are both sexy choices.

Shanshu said...

ashley: I thought about making my own, but I'll probably just break down and buy the sexy Depp costume becuase it's just so damn swanky.

crystal: see? the guy dressed as a biker got the hot chicks. The large pregnant pumpkin didn't get squat. told ya.

kay: you really haven't dressed up in years? NO FUN! You really should try to go to a costume party this year. S'rsly.

monkey: welcome! And pirate and vampires are sexy, if done right. Apparantly most costume places think that male vampiores were only into other male vampires.

Rowan said...

Grrr….argh I like how you slipped this reference in there, very good.

My husband looked sexy as a pirate on year and the vampire, I dunno, didn't think he looked gay....

I know what you mean though about sexy costumes, I dress up to parties, but I also like to dress up with my kids when I take them out, I'm a mom and even tho' I'd really LOVE taht little red riding hood costume VERY much, I think it'd put some nightmarish thoughts into my pristine daughter's mind. Yeah, we don't need another mom out there that thinks she's still 18 do we?

Pizzle said... forget the days in college when we came UP with great costume ideas.

Remember when you went in hospital scrubs and I went in a big dumb M&M thingy...we were Dr. Dre and Eminem.

Here are some off the top of my head that are more like "couple" costumes...

-Princess and the Pea...she dresses like a princess, you dress up as a big green ball.

-Clothesline Between Two Trees...Use brown material, draw on tree knots with a brown/black marker. Attach LOTS of leaves with hot-glue. Attach cardboard to baseball hats and glue on branches and leaves. Paint faces brown and green. THIS IS THE GOOD PART---->>String a clothesline in between, and hang on some "delicates."

-Brick and Bricklayer...she's the brick...use your imagination on the play-on-words

-Neo and Trinity from The'd have to be willing to spend a shitload of money on this one...

-A Plug and Socket...heh

- Playboy Bunny and Hugh Hefner

- Kodak Moment... Make a large frame out of cardboard and paint it brown for a wood effect. Strike memorable poses throughout the night. Works well when others want to get into the picture during the party/outing.

- Dirk Diggler and Roller Girl from Boogie Nights...a little dated, but any excuse to come across as well-endowed, right?

- Almond Joy and Mounds... you'd be the Almond Joy and she'd be the Mounds (*sung* Almond Joy's got nuts...)

OK, so some are lamer than others...just a quick brainstorm is all...

Spinning Girl said...

so funny. my favorite costume ever: a bag of leaves.

Callie said...

Hmmm . . . I'd have to say my favorite male costume I've ever seen was at a Renaissance Faire. The guy was dressed up as a Spanish Officer. It was sooo sexy. Then again, he had the coloring and the hair to go with it. *drools*

Another good one is Death. There's the mystery associated with who's behind the skull.

Then again, you could be a Lucius Malfoy-type wizard, complete with wand/cane. Very sexy if you have the countenance to pull it off.

I would say that a pirate is also sexy. However, with the whole resurgance caused by POTC, it's a bit over-done these days, unless you have really good props.