"Witches in days gone by were roasted just like my Vienna sausage."
"Why Ike...whatever do you mean? Maybe poker's just not your game, Ike. I know! Let's have a spelling contest!"
"I don't know why they call this stuff 'Hamburger Helper'. It does just fine by itself."
"And shepherds we shall be, for Thee my Lord, for Thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand, that our feet might swiftly carry out Thy command, and we will flow a river forth to Thee, and teaming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine Patri, et Fili, et Spiritus Sancti."
"Wow, I didn't know we'd become such good friends. Because if we had, you'd know that I give head before I give favors and I don't even give my best friends head. So your chances of getting a favor right now are pretty fucking slim."
"Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible cunt... me."
"I'll tell you what I'm doing. I want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them. But no one sells eight hot dog buns. They only sell twelve hot dog buns. So I end up paying for four buns I don't need. So I am removing the superfluous buns."
"Wrong. Your ears you keep and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing your hideousness will be yours to cherish. Every babe that weeps at your approach, every woman who cries out, "Dear God! What is that thing?" will echo in your perfect ears. That is what 'to the pain means'. It means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever."
"Celibate? I think...I mean, that sounds gay- I just want you to know this is like, the first conversation of like three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like... there's this, and then in a year it's like, "Oh you know, I kinda wanna get back out there, but I think I like guys" and then there's the big, "Oh I'm I'm a gay guy now"."
"Yeah, let me guess something. This is your first visit to La-La-Land. You're staying somewhere in Hollywood because like an idiot you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. Am I right so far? I knew it. Somehow you get on a bus and before you know it you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue, which brings us to here. Correct again? Where are you staying....The Holiday Inn?"
"I have eight different bosses right now. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation; is not to be hassled. That, and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob...that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired."
"The space goes down, down baby, down, down the roller coaster. Sweet, sweet baby, sweet, sweet, don't let me go. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. Shimmy, shimmy, cocoa pop. Shimmy, shimmy, rock. I met a girlfriend - a triscuit. She said, a triscuit - a biscuit. Ice cream, soda pop, vanilla on the top. Ooh, Shelly's out, walking down the street, ten times a week. I read it. I said it. I stole my momma's credit. I'm cool. I'm hot. Sock me in the stomach three more times."
"I'm talking about firing a little black midget. A small, colored, African-American small person. That's what I'm talking about! I'm talking about your face all over goddamn USA Today, that's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about 150 of these little motherfuckers all over the sidewalk out there. Holding picket signs and using bullhorns and shit like that!! Screaming and hollering your name out. Unfair practices, get me?"
"Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter."
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5 comments:
Without the assistance of Google:
1. The Blair Witch Project (?)
2. Tombstone.
3. National Lampoon's Vacation (I think it was the first one.)
4. Boondock Saints (any male aged 18-35 has to know this movie)
5. Go (Great movie. Katie Holmes pre-insanity.)
6. Snatch (She's quite partial to the perriwinkle blue.)
7. Father of the Bride (Steve Martin goes nuts.)
8. The Princess Bride. (Fucking Andre the giant was in that movie!)
9. 40 Year Old Virgin (too easy)
10. Blast From the Past (My lucky stars, a negro!)
11. Office Space (way way way too easy.)
12. Big. (Pretty easy)
13. Bad Santa (what other movie has an angry black midget?)
14. Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm Napolean Dynamite?
What movie is this from:
Took a charter flight on a DC-10 to London. Landed at Heathrow. Took a cab to the city center. Don't let people lie to you: hostels are for the ugly. I'm staying in Home House, the most beautiful hotel in the world. Called a friend from school who was selling hash, but she wasn't in. Met a couple of Brits who take me to, of all places, Camden Street. I flirt a bit at the Virgin Megastore, buy some CDs, then follow some girls with pink hair. I wandered around trying to get laid, until it started to rain, then went back to Home House. Ministry of Sound is dead, so I go to Remform - but it's Gay Night. I find the one hetero girl in the place and we dry hump on the dance floor. We cab it back to Home House. I strip her clothes off, suck her toes, and we fuck. I hung out for four or five days. Met the world's biggest DJ, Paul Oakenfold. Kept missing the Changing of the Guards. Wrote my mom a postcard I never sent. Bought some speed from an Italian junkie who was trying to sell me a stolen bike. Smoked a lot of hash that had too much tobacco in it. Saw the Tate. Saw Big Ben. Ate a lot of weird English food. It rained a lot, it was expensive, and I'm jonesing...
So, I split for Amsterdam. The Dutch all know English, so I didn't have to speak any Dutch - which was a relief. I cruise the Red Light District. Visit a sex show. Visit a sex museum. Smoke a lot of hash. I meet a Dutch TV actress and we drink absinthe at a bar called Absinthe. The museums were cool, I guess. Lots of Van Goghs and the Vermeers were intense. Wandered around. Bought a lot of pastries. Ate some intense waffles. We bought some coke and I cruised the Red Light District, until I found some blonde with big tits that reminds me of Lara. I gave her a hundred guilders. In the end, she pulls me out, and I cum between her tits, even though I'm wearing a rubber. Afterward we made small-talk about AIDS, her Moroccan pimp, and herself. I wake to the sound of a wino singing. It's 8 AM and hot as blazes. I pretend to ice-skate around Central Station, while someone plays the sax. Trade songs with a Kiwi girl...
Then split for Paris by train. Wander the Champs-Elysees. Climb the Eiffel Tower for only seven francs, because the ticket machine was broken. Got the hang of the Metro, took it everywhere. Went to a Ford model party and hooked up with a Romanian model named Karina. She chugs my cock at the Mariott Champs-Elysees, which is good. We played billiards, went shopping. I think she gave me mono. Drove a Ferrari that belonged to a member of the Saudi royal family. Made out with a Dutch model in front of the Louvre. Saw the Arc de Triomphe and almost became road-kill crossing the street...
"Oakie" invites me to Dublin, so I catch an Aer Lingus flight and stay at the Morrison. Dublin rocks like you can't imagine. Oakenfold lets me spin some discs with him. Irish girls are as small as leprechauns. I swap hickeys with a drunk woman. After groping my abs and calling me "Mr. L.A.", she strips for me in the bath room of the club. Sneak into the Guinness factory and steal some stout so good my dick goes hard...
I fly to Barcelona, which was a low-rent bust. Too many fat American students. Too many lame meat markets. I dropped acid at the Sagrada Familia, which was a trip to say the least. Cruise up the coast to the Museo Gala Dali, but had no more acid, which sucked. Some girl from Camden calls me on my cell, so I let her listen to the church bells in Cadaques. Canta Cruz is beautiful, but there are no girls here, just old hippies...
So, I went to Switzerland where I, ironically, couldn't find anyone who had the time. Took the Glacier Express up the Schilthorn, which is beautiful in a way I can't describe...
Euro Pass into Italy and ended up in Venice, where I met a hot girl who looks like Rachael Leigh Cook and speaks better English than I do. She's living for a year on only five dollars a day. We gondola around, buy some masks. She think's I'm a capitalist, because my hotel room costs more for one night than she's spending her entire trip. But she doesn't mind it so much when I pay the bills...
I ditch her and hook up with a couple who obviously want a 3-some. Too much tension there, but the doofus offers to drive me to Rome, an offer I jump at. Traffic is bad and we're stopped for hours without moving. The wife turns out to be a freak. The guy starts to wig out on me. It's like a Polanski film...
We stop for a while in Florence, where I see some big dome. A bomb goes off and I lose the weird couple, which is probably for the best...
Ended up in Rome, which is big and hot and dirty. It was just like L.A., but with ruins. I went to the Vatican, which was ridiculously opulent. Stood for two hours to get into the Sistine Chapel, which - now that it's been cleaned - looks fake. I meet two under-age Italian girls who I try to talk into fucking each other while I jack off onto them. Bored, I buy them some ice cream instead. My hotel has a gym, so I work out. I bump into some guy from Camden who says he knows me, but I'm sure that he's a fag, so I lose him. I try to fart and instead shit my pants. Back in my hotel room, I masturbate and have a pain in my groin. That night, I dream about a beautiful girl, half in water, stretching her lean body. She asks me if I like it and I tell her she can clean fish with it. I don't know what it means, but I wake well-rested, masturbate in the shower, and check out...
I make my way back to London and hang out in Piccadilly Circus. Hmm. Palakon. I swap shirts with some upper-crusty Cambridge chick. Hers was an Agnes B., mine a Costume Nationale. She acts stuffy and prudish, but is really wild underneath it all. She barely looks at my abs, though she wants to. The next day, I drop some acid and get lost in the subway for a full day and can't find my way out. I meet a cute girl who lets me jack off onto her as long as no cum gets onto her Paul Smith coat. We get stoned while listening to Michael Jackson records and the next morning I wake up talking to myself. I have a big bump on my head from flailing in my sleep. I get my stuff and barely make my plane back to the United States...
I no longer know who I am and I feel like the ghost of a total stranger.
Holy. Effing. Shit.
That is officially the longest comment I have ever seen, or been a part of. Holy hell!!!
I don't know what the quote is from, but if it's from a movie I haven't seen then I must go see it, apparantly. Sounds like it has great dialogue.
If you can figure it out, you absolutely have to HAVE TO see it. James VanDerBeek (Dawson) plays a drug dealer and is great in it. Very good movie, if you can figure it out.
That was the longest comment I've ever left. It was longer than 98% of my blog posts.
Well, I had to cheat and Googled it. Rules of Attraction.
Here's the funny part: I've actually seen that movie. Although, for some reason, the only two parts that stand out for me are when James VDB is in the shitter, and when the chick from A Knight's Tale is getting nailed from behind at the keg party.
I might have been wasted when I saw it, though. Worth a second look.
That epic monologue is accompanied by shots of what the guy is describing, and he is going through the speech really, really fast. I love that movie.
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