The "Fuck You" of the Week

This guy is my new hero. Apparantly, Verizon Wireless quoted him a price of .002 CENTS per each kilobyte of wireless usage while in Canada. They charged him .002 DOLLARS, instead. Obviously the dollar amount is correct, but the fact that Verizon REFUSES to admit a difference between dollars and cents is.....FUCKING HILARIOUS.

So listen to the video below. It's his actual call into Verizon to clarify the situaion and explain simple math to them. It's priceless.



THEN check out the picture below. It's his payment to Verizon after all this crap is over with. Be sure to read the memo.

Classic.

Cabin Air Filters and Bullshit

So, I took my car in for an oil change the other day. Nothing special, just your everyday, run-of-the-mill* oil change service appointment. I am usually not particular about where I get my oil changed, so usually it's just random where I end up going. For this particular time, it was Jiffylube.

I took my car in, and sat in the waiting room watching women's downhill skiing on the complementary TV. Besides the fact that we were watching women's downhill skiing, the other thing that sucked complete ass was the fact that the waiting room was colder than...than the snow that you use to ski downhill, like in women's downhill skiing for instance.

Cold and obscure sporting events aside, the wait wasn't long so that was good. Soon I had one of the grease-laden Jiffy employees coming to greet me in the waiting room of ice. I noticed that he was carrying an air filter under his arm as he sat down beside me.

Oh, shit.


JiffyBoy: Hey there, guy. Just wanted to let you know that the oil change looks good, and your car is doing fine.

Me: Well, that's good. We were all worried. How's she feeling after the procedure?

JiffyBoy: Uh...fine. You have a Honda, and those cars are built not to need maintenance. Besides the oil change, there's not much else we have to do!

Me: Yeah, well I'm sure you'll think of something.

JiffyBoy: Your air filter looks good, so we don't need to change that.

Me: Really? You oil change places always try to get me to replace my air filter! Are you sure it doesn't need to be replaced? Are you feeling ok?

JiffyBoy: No, no. The air filter is fine.

Me: So...why are you holding one?

JiffyBoy: Oh, this is your cabin air filter. And as you can see, it's dirty.

Me: Eh? My what?

JiffyBoy: Your cabin air filter. It's dirty.

Me: You lost me. What's a cabin air filter?

JiffyBoy: It's the air filter for your cabin.

Me: My cabin? You mean the thing at the front of airplanes?

JiffyBoy: Yeah, except this cabin is for your car.

Me: So...by "cabin" you are referring to the inside of my car?

JiffyBoy: Yes. Anyway, your cabin filter is dirty, so we can go ahead and replace that for you.

Me: Ahh that sounds more like the JiffyLube I've come to know. Now we're back to normalcy. No, I don't need my interior car air filter replaced, thanks.

JiffyBoy: It's a CABIN air filter, and it should be replaced. It's important to your breathing.

Me: My breathing? It filters the air INSIDE my cabin, correct?

JiffyBoy: Exactly!

Me: So, would you say it's safe to say that this air filter device helps to screen out the negative particles in the air that is present within my car interior?

JiffyBoy: It's a CABIN, but yes that about sums it up.

Me: So, we can therefore state that the air filter in question is filtering the air that comes into my car from the outside? You're saying this helps to filter the outside air that travels into the comfort of my driving cabin.

JiffyBoy: Yes!

Me: That's stupid.

JiffyBoy: What?

Me: That's stupid. You can't filter the "outside" air. That's just...air! You can't filter regular air. It's not like the air filter is going to save me from smog or smoke or pollen. The second I open my car door, I'm breathing it in again.

JiffyBoy: Yes, but while you're driving you'll be breathing better. Trust me, it makes sense and you want to do this. It's only $31.99 to replace it.

Me: No. Go away.

JiffyBoy: But...

Me: No, no. I don't want it. I like to breathe air. It's been good to me, and we've been together since I was a baby. I like it just the way it is. Please don't take away my childhood.

JiffyBoy: Fine. But if you stop breathing one day, it'll be the air filter being dirty that kills you.

Me: Noted.


Needless to say, I did not purchase the $32 "cabin air filter" that they suggested. I called up some friends and nobody else had ever heard of a cabin air filter, either. So I'm not just stupid or ignorant of a car's inner workings.

It was just lame. If this happens to you, be strong and JUST SAY NO TO CABIN AIR FILTERS!






*What the hell does "run-of-the-mill" mean,anyway? Where did we get that saying?

This Sucks

You know, for a long time I've day-dreamed about what it would be like to NOT have to go into the office day after day. I would sit in my cubicle and imagine how great it would be if I could just leave the office and go play. I would think about playing golf or shopping or going out to eat with friends and family. I thought about all of the projects I would get done, and how much fun it would be to be outside and enjoying the world around me.

Yet here I sit.

The fucking weather is not cooperating with my time off work plans. Everyday it has been cold and rainy and cloudy and depressing. I've found myself cooped up in my apartment with no real plans and nothing exciting to do.

Good thing I have the Wii to keep me occupied. But even that starts to get old, after a while. I find myself being BORED while I'm off work and that just sickens me. I can't believe I finally got my dream of having time off work...and I have nothing to show for it.

This fucking sucks.

What kind of things should I do to occupy my time? Any thoughts?

Wii Tennis

The Nintendo Wii is TOO much fun.




Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

How I spent my "Take This Job and Shove it" Bonus Money

Can't talk right now.


Busy.


:)

OMG! I am unemployed!

"Shanshu, why haven't you been posting lately?"

Because I'm out of a fucking job, that's why! Back up off my nuts!!!

Yes, kiddies. It's true. I have been laid off from my job.

Ok, I might be making this out to be more dramatic than it really is. Truth be told, I am out of a job...but I asked for it. I was laid off. Actually, I requested to be laid off. It's called voluntary separation, and it's actually a pretty sweet deal.

See, my company (who I'm not sure for legal reasons if I can talk about...so I won't, to be safe) has been doing a lot of lay-offs for the past few years. It's been a struggle and many people have found themselves on the end of a pink slip.

To combat this, my company started a program where the employees CHOOSE whether or not they want to be laid off, and they "bribe" them to do so, in order to free up capital and decrease the worker population without people feeling like they got fired, or whatever.

The "bribe" for me is 4 months paid, standard. I get paid for the next four months, as if I was still working. I also get a bonus, and any vacation time unused for 2007 gets sent to me in form of money. I also get to keep my benefits for the next four months, along with other perks I have.

You wanna know the best part? If I find another job next week...my company will continue to pay me my severance package.

Mutha-fuckin-WOOT!

So in theory, I could have 2 paychecks for the next four months, if I find a new job soon enough.

Pretty sweet deal, like I said.

I'm not upset about it. I wasn't happy in my job, and I didn't feel like I had any meaning, and I wasn't going anywhere, and my team was awful, and blah blah blah whatever, I'm out.

I'm fucking out, yo.

I am the master of my destiny! I fear nobody! I will grab hold of fate and shake the shit out of it while shouting to the skies "I am ME!"

Or something like that.

People keep asking me what I plan to do with myself now that I don't have to work. I keep telling them, that I have an idea of what I am going to do in about 2 weeks, but for now I plan to enjoy my time off and take advantage of the lack of work. Get my chi back, you know? Slowly puke out the stress that has sat within me for months, and become ME again.

It's time to be Zen about this whole thing.

My future plans involve Playstation, golf, and Chinese buffet. I haven't thought much past that, to be honest.

I'll have free time on my hands the next few weeks. Send me sympathy to the comments. Send me lots of comments. I want 2 per, person!!

Show me the love!

Brilliant Ideas That Will Probably Never Be Realized

Heated Roads

Seriously. We could install metal conducing coils into the cement when we build a new road that connect to a central heating hub under the city. Kick out those damn dirty rats and “forgotten men” in the sewers and make a “Highway Heating and Power” company down there. When the winter is upon us, and the weather turns nasty, The HHP goes to work.

If snow and ice and sleet start to fall onto our precious roadways...the coils in the cement are activated, effectively heating the road! This means the ice and snow can't stay in their frozen molecular state, and will melt away as water and will not cause us to slide around like dogs in the back of a van.

Brilliant!

"Auto-Off Commercials" Option

I would pay for this service. I fucking hate 95% of the commercials I see/hear/read every single day. They make my brain hurt. Fucking marketing people trying to get into my head like little greedy leeches. They must be stopped!

Argh! Get out of my brain! I don’t want to buy a car from Beep-Beep.com! Aaaaaaaaa! Get that damn song out of my head! I hate you! HATE YOU!

Anyway. Wouldn’t it be great, if we had a way to “turn off” commercials? We could have each radio and television service provide us with the “Commercials Off” option. What happens is, you turn your radio/TV to “Commercials off” mode when you are not in the mood for commercials. When a commercial comes on, you get nothing but pleasant visuals and audio music worthy of the nicer hotel elevators.

So instead of mindless, annoying jingles and brainwashing techniques…you get Musak and flowers. Ahhhh.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: The commercial companies and networks would never allow this. Oh, YES they would….because the monthly service fee for the “Commercials Off” option is $5.00, bitches.

See? Everybody is happy. The network gets our money, and we don’t get dumber by listening to the “bikini wax jingle”.

Brilliant!

Shock Collars for Management

Oh, hell yes. You know you would sign off on this. We put collars on our management, and whenever an employee is upset with their leadership, they go to HR and push their manager’s big red button. This big red button sends a mild electric shock (similar to the static charge you get from touching the door handle in winter) to your manager to ZAP them to attention.

Eventually, if the manger keeps getting shocked enough…they’ll learn to be nicer to their employees and make some policy changes.

Brilliant!

Gatorade Alcoholic Drinks

I’ve mentioned this before, in a much older post. But it’s still a good idea. We make an alcoholic drink that is mixed with Gatorade to help us stay hydrated and keep our electrolytes up, to help minimize hangovers and icky headaches.

So while you’re drinking alcohol and depleting vitamins such as B12 and B6….you are drinking Gatorade at the same time, which replenishes those lost vitamins. It all balances out, hence no negative effects.

Brilliant!

Best Classified Ad Ever

Best in Show: Shanshu

Click the picture above to see my bling

Well, the results are in and it's official: I am now somebody's favorite blog. For a while now, fellow blogger and Kansas native Ookami Snow has been having a tournament of sorts, for the Blog Bracket, as I like to call it. He lined up a bunch of blogs he read on a daily basis, and put them into a bracket worth of the NCAA. Then he would have each blog pair up with a rival, and see who won for that week. It was awesome, and a great idea, and I hope he does something similar in the future.

Check out the blog bracket here.

The competition was stiff, and the drama was real. But in the end, Dust-Slaying Nano Shurikens of Doom Redux ended up the victor, and all blogs must now bow before my mighty keyboard of death!

Woot. Fuckin' A. Word. Hellz yah. RESPECT!

It's an honor to win such an award...or rather, such a title. I'd like to dedicate this victory to all of the people and things that made this blog what it is, today:

First off, a big thanks to God. Without Him, nothing would exist and that includes blogs, so technically this win is all because He took the time to make blogs, annoying people, and celebrities. Oh, and He also took the time to create irony and famine. Awesome.

Secondly, I'd like to thank the people who read this blog. Yes, you know who you are...because you're reading this right now. Yes, you are. Don't fucking lie to me. You're reading this, and you enjoy it...so thank you.

I'd also like to thank all the stupid celebrities and idiots in Hollywood that occasionally give me something to make fun of, or vent about. Without your pretentiousness and ability to shield your eyes from the real world, I would on occasion be forced to post something about the un-ending winter or the lack of smart people in my office. So, kudos to all the Anna-Nicole-Britney-Paris-Bastards out there in the world. Thank you.

...

...

I'd also like to give a shout out to my producer. I don't actually have one...but every speech I've ever heard has this person included in the "shout out" portion of the acceptance speech, so I get one, too. Shouts out to my producer.

Most of all, I'd like to thank Blogger. You give us all a space on the Internet to vent our problems, annoyances, our pictures, our stories...our lives. You rock, even if you sold out to Google. Don't feel bad, though. I'm sure if Google offered me enough money, I would be bent over a desk wearing an apron and saying "Thank you, Google may I have another?".

...

Nothing but love, Blogger. Nothin' but luv.

I accept this title as "New Favorite Blog" and I will do my best to see that I do not sully the name of this great title, and do my best to post interesting things about my life, my frustrations, or anything I think will make you smile.

Sometimes I might post whatever I want, though...so, just expect that. You know, I might just decide to make a post about shower farts, or something. That's how I roll.

Oh, and I may tell you sex stories, or other tales of group bunny debauchery.

.

Anyway, I'm a favorite blog, now. Recognize my authority. It is to be feared, if not respected.

.

I fucking rule, yo.

Chipotle

I started this rant on Ookami's site and I decided to keep it going over here.

I love Chipotle. It's one of my favorite places to go, to get fast food. Those burritos are little wrapped bundles of orgasm with a side of sauce that gives me a happy with every bite. The store, the atmosphere, the speed with which they create my food...all of it is muy bueno and deserves our respect.

If you haven't had a Chipotle burrito, slap yourself on the hand for being out of touch with the world around you, and be sure to swing by your local Chipotle store sometime in the near future to experience the joygasm.

Ok, I'm done with my propaganda. Now let's get to the heart of the matter.

Some people can't pronounce "Chipotle". Since I speak Spanish and have been to both Mexico and Spain, I can safely say that I understand the language and know how to pronounce certain words. I also understand that not everybody speaks Spanish...so I try not to judge too harshly.

HOWEVER....

When I explain to a person the correct way to pronounce a word, and they tell me I'm WRONG...it makes me want to rip their spine out, through their stupid mouth. I effing hate being told I'm wrong, when I know 100% in my heart that I am correct.

Now, everybody THINKS they're right, all the time. We hate to be proven wrong, and I understand that. But dude, seriously....the correct way to pronounce "Adios" is NOT "Aaae DEE os" like some people think. People misuse foreign words way too often*, for my taste. It bugs me, because it just boils down to a lack of knowledge and a lazy attitude.

*Oh, and just so we're clear on something: "queso cheese" is not some special Mexican cheese. It's just cheese. If you say "queso cheese" you're saying "cheese cheese". It's as retarded as saying "ATM machine" or "RSVP Please". It's annoying when you do it, so...stop it.

Anyway. I know some people who pronounce "Chipotle" as "chee POLL TEE" because they are morons. They reverse the "t" and the "l" and create their own new word and it makes my butt itch every time I hear it.

It's pronounced "chee-POHT-leh", people. Sound out the letters and use your phonics properly. Chee poht leh. Say it out loud: chee poht leh.

Good.

You want proof that I'm correct? Fine. Here's your proof:

Proof #1

Proof #2

There. Now you have proof. So the next time you hear somebody say the word "Chipotle" wrong, you can point them here and tell them to get with the knowledge and stop saying words wrong.

:)

Thus endeth the lesson.

***

I had sent a comment to Chipotle asking them to tell me if I was correct in my pronunciation of the word "Chipotle". Here is what I wrote to them:

Dear Chipotle,

I have a question, and I can't seem to find the answer in the FAQ so maybe you can help me. My question is one of pronunciation. I have always pronounced Chipotle as "chee-poht-leh" because that is how it would be pronounced in Mexico, and I didn't take all those years of high school Spanish for nothing! I know some people who pronounce the word "chee-poll-tee" because they are insane, apparantly. Will you please tell me I'm right, and they are WRONG so I can brag to them, and feel all superior?

Thanks!

Shanshu

And if you believe it, they actually replied:

Shanshu,

You are correct. American English speakers have difficulty with the "TL" sound, and they always switch it in our name, incorrectly, to "LT".

Sincerely,

Joe Stupp

Manager, Duct Tape and Plungers

Chipotle

So...HA! Proof #3, and the best one, yet. Nobody is allowed to say Chipotle wrong to me, from now on! Woot!

Retro Re-post: Chain Letters

I'm doing a retro re-post today, because of a CHAIN LETTER I received this morning. The letter told me if I forwarded the email to 20 people, some computer company would send me a new laptop for a PR stunt. Oh Lord, save me from stupid. Since it was my girlfriend's mother who sent it to me, I couldn't really lay into her for sending me a chain letter, like I would if one of my friends did it. So instead I will vent to my bloggerverse buddies via a previous post I did, back in the day. Enjoy.

*************************************************************************************

There are certain things in this world that piss me off to the point of crazy. Mostly, it involves the stupidity of other people and their desire to rub their dumb off onto me like some sort of infectious disease. I feel it is my duty to share my rage with the world, in the hopes that at least one person will be saved from the onslaught of retarded people who try to pull us down to their level of lame on a daily basis. They can’t be stopped, but at least they can be avoided with some careful maneuvering.

Today’s stupid people rant will be about CHAIN LETTERS.

I hate chain letters. I hate them in the face. I hate them so much, that every time one of my “intelligent” friends or loved ones forwards one on to me, I lose a little bit more faith in my society, and its system of social evolution.

How can a person who considers themselves to be a smart member of our society really believe that there are African princes out there who are trying to give away their fortune for the low price of $199.95? How do these people not fall down more often?

Here is the chain letter that I received this morning, along with the explanation as to why it’s bogus.

It really makes my butt itch, when my friends and family send this crap to me. I shake my fists to the skies and curse the person who started the chain, and pray that they do not have the physiological capacity for reproduction so they cannot burden us with their idiocy any longer. National Blood Initiation Day? Fucking lame. So lame, it limps. How could somebody I know fall for this crap?

The thing that really gets me about chain letters, is that it dupes smart people into believing them. Once a smart person starts to believe a dumb person, it’s all over for our way of life. The fabric will start to unravel, and our world falls into chaos. Chain letters do nothing but spread the “stupid disease”, and cause intelligent people to run out and do stupid things. How many people do you know who ran out and bought a home generator and a year’s supply of food before Y2K? Do you know how lame that was? UBER LAME. I guarantee some idiot hacker thought it would be funny to start some sort of anti-information chain letter about how the world is going to explode when Y2K happens and it caused a ton of smart people to buy into his bullshit and cause panic in the streets.

Argh.

The problem with chain letters, is that they never make it sound too fake. They give you just enough bullshit, wrapped with some truth in the hopes that you will buy into the lie and forward the letter and infect more people with the hoax. I’ve decided that aliens are going to take over our planet, and they’re trying to make as many of us turn stupid before the invasion as they can. Their weapon? Chain letters filled with bogus information and crap to make our brains shrink up and die within our skulls.

So, for my friends and family, who I love and protect…let me clear a few things up for you, in regards to chain mail:



-95% of all chain emails you receive are bogus. Accept this as fact, and you’ll be fine.

-There are no princes in Africa that are willing to give you $100,000 if you buy them a plane ticket to Florida on your credit card.

-No matter how many people you forward an email to, there will never be a video that pops up to reward you afterwards….ever.

-Big companies like Microsoft, Subway, Ford, Starbucks, etc. will never send out a chain letter that says something along the lines of “please forward this to 100 people and we’ll give you money” . This will never happen.

-Abstinence from chain emails is the only way to be safe.

-No matter how many people’s names are on an email chain, it will never: drop the price of gasoline, withdraw our troops from Iraq, or save a life.

-If the police are worried about something that is a threat to you, they will not rely on email chains to inform you. They’ll do something crazy like…make a public announcement, or involve your local news team.

-If the email contains the words “This is not fake!” or “This is for real” then you can be positive that it IS fake and that it is NOT real.



Hopefully, somebody out there will read this and change their ways. With any luck, the next time one of you receives a chain email that makes some ridiculous claim and uses buzz words and official looking data, you’ll know the truth and do the right thing…delete it and then beat the person who sent it to you over the head with a rubber chicken.

We must fight the stupidity, people. We must put a stop to this spread of dumb that is seeping into our brains through idiotic crap like chain letters!!! Fight the spread! Stop the insanity!



Now please forward this to at least 10 people, so we can save Timmy's life and then a video will pop up on your screen. Don't forget to send me $19.95 so we can cure cancer.

Bas Rutten Street Self Defense

This guy fucking scares me.

He also makes me laugh.

It's pretty twisted.

I'm not sure why...he just cracks me up, in general. Of course...if he's reading this post he might think I'm laughing AT him. No...no, HELL no. I'm laughing WITH you, sir. Please don't punch me in the spleen.

Enjoy.

Fucking Monday

I hate Mondays.

I think most people hate Mondays. Garfield* hated Mondays, and he was a fat cartoon cat...so that means Mondays totally suck balls, if a cartoon hates it. Because cartoons are smarter than humans, and cats doubly so.

Today's Monday is especially nasty for me, for two reasons:

1. I only got 3 hours of sleep

2. I'm sick

Now, you might be asking yourselves "Shanshu, why the hell are you at work today? It's Monday, and you're sick! Plus, you must be tired!"

Well, I'll tell you.

Friday I called in to work and told them I wasn't coming in. Something about my grandmother being in an accident and having her spleen injured or some such shit...I was lying. I didn't feel like going in to work and doing nothing and being bored and it was such a nice day out, I totally played hooky.

It was awesome.

I went and saw the early showing of 300, which is the best movie I've seen in a long, long time. I'll probably go see it again, too. It was that good. If you haven't seen it yet, you're totally missing out.

I also went shopping on Friday. I spent $132 on a new pair of jeans and 2 tee shirts. I felt faint afterwards, but my friends have assured me that this is "grown up" shopping and in no way insane. If you had told me a year ago that I would spend $80 on a pair of fucking jeans I would have told you to blow off, fashion whore! No way would I do that.

I totally did that.

They are the most comfortable, good looking jeans I've ever had. I might name them, and keep them in a special drawer, or something. Maybe "Mr. Pantastico".

Later that night, I had some friends over and we played the Nintendo Wii. That was so much fun, I think I might have to go buy one now. Sers'ly. After the Wii fest, we went to bars and got drunk and got hit on and it was fun.

So Friday was fun. I loved it.

Then last night, I start feeling sick. Oh, shit. Oh, shit shit SHIT! No, not sick!

Yep, totally sick. This sucks on many levels. First of all, I was sick like...a month ago. This is totally bullshit that I'm sick again! I told the universe so, last night. It didn't care. I'm still fucking sick.

So I can't use a sick day today because I already used one on FRIDAY for my little hooky-sick grandmother-adventure day and if I burn another day away, my boss will get irritated and suspicious.

So here I sit. It sucks. Please show me pity.

*Totally random blog: I was searching for a picture of Garfield, and I ran across THIS blog. How appropriate is that?

Sweep the Leg

Best. Video. Ever.

I'm a child of the 80's, and I'm totally proud of that fact. The movies, music, and clothing styles that surfaced in the 80's were totally radical and might even be considered bossanova. We loved our slap bracelets and jelly shoes and poofy hair, and we loved wearing neon colors with spandex and leg warmers. It was just too cool for school.

One of my favorite movies as a kid growing up was The Karate Kid.

Duh. We all loved that movie. Anybody who says they didn't like the Karate Kid is either a communist, or lying. The movie rocked. It was the poster child for 80's cinema and we all loved it.

Guess what? Somebody made a video about The Karate Kid!!!! I shit you not.

The group is called No More Kings and the video is called "Sweep the Leg".

I love this video. You'll notice that the main "star" of the video who plays "Johnny" from the movie is ACTUALLY the actor who played Johnny Lawrence in the movie. His name is William Zabka, and he starred in a few films other than The Karate Kid movies.




Go ahead. Click the IMDB link. You know you want to.

Apparantly, William Zabka wrote and directed this video, which makes it even cooler, in my opinion. There are other guest appearances by former cast members of the movie, in this video. Keep a look out for:

Rob Garrison "Tommy" "Yeah, Johnny! Get him a body bag! Yeah!"
Martin Kove “Sensei John Kreese” "Sweep the leg. You have a problem with that?"

And at the end, the man himself: Ralph Macchio “Daniel LaRusso”

Here is the video. Check it out. Enjoy. Just don't go tight-roll your jeans when you're done.



Cobra Kai never dies!

I am a Comment Whore

I'm not sure why, but I look forward to reading comments posted on my blog. It's like they give me meaning, or something. With each comment I receive, a little part of my soul begins to flutter anew with feelings of joy and anticipation. It is as if each comment brings forth a piece of popularity and acknowledgement that only comes from knowing that people really like you.


Fucking lame, I know.


I can't help it, though. I love to get comments because they give me warm fuzzies. I know that it doesn't make me any more cool or increase my blogger popularity...well, maybe a little bit. If I never got a single comment I'm sure that would place me in the front of the blogger bus and that would suck because then the blogger bus driver would talk to me and the other blogger kids would start to make fun of me because I would be "in love with the blogger bus driver".


That's when the blogger depression starts, and it's a dark place to go to.


*shudder*


I need comments. I thrive on them. I constantly find myself checking my blog for new comments so I can read them and feel special. Some of that stems from me being bored at work on a semi-daily basis...but some of it stems from my desire to be liked.

Kinda like this scene from The Big Hit :



Melvin: I can't stand the thought of anyone not liking me, okay! There, I said it! The thought of either one of those girls not liking me is more than I can stand, okay?
Cisco: Melvin, pal...the hundred or so people you've murdered over the past five years probably have relatives that don't think too highly of you.


Granted, I haven't killed anybody lately so this isn't exactly a window into my life...but you get the idea. I want to be liked and wanted and thought about. I want to leave my mark and I want people to miss me when I am gone. I want to be loved, dammit!


I had a puppy once. He didn't love me. He ran away the first chance he got. I'm hoping to get a comment from him someday telling me he's sorry. Or at least telling me how he's doing.


He's probably dead, though. Little runaway fucker.


Anyhoo. I like comments. Today I'm in a comment mood, so I'm going to be a comment whore. That's right, I'm going to post something now that I hope motivates you to post a comment and give me those warm fuzzies I am longing for.


TELL ME A SECRET


I want to know secrets. I am in a mood today where I want to learn more about people. Your secret can be anything...sex, work, breaking the law, drugs, sex, fights, drama, cheating, sex, your top score on Tetris...whatever. Just make it interesting.


I'll start, since it's my game.


My secret: I was offered a threesome recently and I'm not sure how to bring this up in conversation with my girlfriend.


Shhhh. Don't tell anybody. It's a secret!


Now, post YOUR secrets in the comments section!!! Don't be shy...nobody knows who you are, anyway. Or if they do, post something they already know about so you don't feel so open and naked.


Secrets are fun! Join the fun! Post your secret!

Angelina Jolie is Building an Adopted Army!!

Angelina Jolie has recently filed the papers necessary to adopt yet another little orphan child. Where did she file them? In Vietnam, of course!

Apparently, the scores of orphan children in the United States do not interest her royal boobness, for she has chosen once again to steal some random child from some random orphanage from a place as far away from her own home as possible.


Read the story here.


Do I have a problem with adoption?
No.

Do I have a problem with adoption from foreign countries?
No.

Do I have a problem with pretentious, morally ambiguous celebrities getting media attention by trying to solve the worlds' problems (while ignoring the problems in their own backyard) while attempting to make themselves appear as generous and saintly as Mother Teresa?
Yes.






I just don't get it. Who the hell does she think she is? When did Angelina become such a wannabe angel? Did she just wake up one day and say, "I'm tired of getting divorced and screwing other women’s husbands and drinking blood and getting random tattoos in languages I can't read...I should start adopting babies from third world countries. Later on, I'll have a salad...with blood on it."

See, I'm torn here. Part of me is glad that there will be one less child who grows up a hard life, digging for food out of a dumpster in some dirty alley in the middle of Ho Chi Minh City. But then the other part of me is filled with rage about the fact that some flighty, holier-than-thou, mock-scholar wannabe, dirty slut has the right to just start snatching up babies whenever the whim hits her.

Hey, Angelina? There are orphans here in the US, who need help too. Maybe every 3rd baby you adopt should be local. Give it a try, spice things up. See where the wind takes your soul, or whatever.




It gives me a mad-on.

I think the main problem, is that I've known girls like Angelina my whole life. Oh, yes I have. They think they are SO in tune with the world around them, that they and ONLY they, have the power and the clarity of soul to be able to truly view the universe as it is meant to be, and fix it. They are the same ones who claim to see tragedy all around them, and a desire to help...while ignoring the fact that psychologically speaking, they are easier to read than a non-Cambodian tattoo.

"Maybe, since I had a strange childhood and I'm not in touch with who I am as a person, and since I have daddy issues and a so far unanalyzed need to whore, I should attempt to fill the void in my heart with other things that will make me feel like a better person, while I ignore the true issues that plague my spirit and cause me madness. Perhaps, if I were to stop doing all these attention-grabbing things, I could start to really see myself, and make changes. I could learn to view the world better and...ah, screw it. I'll just get a new tattoo and adopt a baby. Then I'll love me again."

Piffle.

Besides my personal opinion on the matter, I'm sure many people feel that Angelina Jolie is a great humanitarian and a world leader and a joy to all helpless little orphan babies everywhere.

But you haven't heard my theory yet.

See, I think Angelina is tired of Hollywood and all of its bullshit. She's ready to implement her long thought-out plan for world domination and universal control of all creatures. With her magnificent boobage leading the way, she will strike fear into the hearts of the wicked and humble down the righteous in an ever-changing purifying fire that will cleanse the land and make way for her new race of super babes.


How will she do this? Simple: start an international army of orphan babies!





It's true. Angelina Jolie has secretly begun to raise an army, and soon she will unleash her hordes onto the unsuspecting populace. She already has three, and soon she will have one more. Her internationally plentiful cornucopia of orphan babies is on the rise, and it's almost dinner time.

• She has a Cambodian orphan.
• She has an Ethiopian orphan.
• Soon she will have a new model Vietnamese orphan.

Those are the child ingredients needed to make "Apocalypse Soup", according to the book of magic sitting on my desk. Or, I'm reading too much into my TPS report. Either way, it's an omen, I'm guessing. A baby-gathering omen of doom.


Look at the facts! Check out the map:





The red dots and circles indicate where her sphere of influence already stretches. Her little orphan babies will soon adopt more orphan babies from still more countries, until eventually she will own half the world.

Then it's world domination time. Trust me, I've played Risk before...I know how it goes. She's already got footholds started. Once she takes Australia, it's all downhill.

Oh, you watch. I'm totally right on this one.


Heed my warnings! See the signs! Make ready your cattle and tend to your flock! Armageddon is almost upon us!





Goddamn...she is friggin' hot, though. Cripes.

CLAPTER: Word Sin or Genius?

I’ve always thought that certain words are lame, like the word lighted. I think the word lit makes much more sense, and it sounds better off the tongue. I don’t think I could ever say “Today I walked into the lighted corridor searching for the door to the bathroom”. I just think that sounds stupid. I think it sounds much more accurate to say “Today I walked down the lit corridor searching for the door to the bathroom”…don’t you?

Maybe not, but I do...and this is my blog…so nah.

Sometimes I even make up words, without knowing it. It’s like my brain understands all the rules and decides what would sound better in a given situation. It just creates a word, and then fires it along the neurons and pathways until it reaches my ever so gentle lips and spews it forth like it was lit from within me.

I once told a friend that he should listen to the sounds the crowd was making at a sporting event. I think the conversation went something like this:

Me: Do you hear that? Hear the beat?
PJ: What beat? You mean the crowd?
Me: Yeah, the crowd. They’re clapping. Hear that?
PJ: Yes. What of it?
Me: Listen to the rhythm. The clapter of the crowd has a rhythm to it. Weird.
PJ: Whoa, whoa…what?
Me: What?
PJ: Did…did you just say “clapter”?
Me: Yes?
PJ: What the hell is clapter?
Me: You know…the clapter…of the crowd. The sound it makes when you slap your hands together.
PJ: You mean “clapping”.
Me: No, clapter. It’s totally a word.
PJ: Um…no it’s not.
Me: Um…yes it is.
PJ: …
Me: When you hear somebody laughing, you say “I hear laughter.” It’s like the noun form of the word “laughing”. Same thing with clapping…clapter is a noun derivation.
PJ: Dude, it is *so* not a word.
Me: Whatever, yes it is!
PJ: Do you want me to get a fucking dictionary?
Me: Fine! Prove me right, bitch!

(PJ gets a dictionary)

PJ: Show me clapter.
Me: Ok.

(me searching dictionary)

Me: … Huh. I’ll be damned, it’s not in here.
PJ: HA! Fucking told you so!
Me: Are you sure this dictionary is current?
PJ: What? Shut up. Clapter isn’t a word. Deal with it.
Me: Crap.


Ever since that event, I have done my best to convince people I’m right. I think the word totally makes sense. If you can say “laughter” why can’t you say “clapter” ? It makes no sense to me, that you can’t use that word.

Clapter should be a fucking word. I even have the definition as it should be printed in the dictionary:

Clapter (‘klap-t&r)
Function: Noun
Etymology: New English, from clapping derivation. No Old English roots.
1: a sound of or as if of clapping
1a: a sound of or as if of clapping, pl.
2: to show approval through the use of slapping one’s hands together

See that shit? It totally works.

I think clapter makes sense as a word. I think that it’s a conspiracy that it isn’t. Who makes up these rules, anyway? Who decided that it was ok to say “lighted” or “lit” interchangeably, but that “clapter” is a word sin?

Fuck that. Clapter should be a word.

I will bring as many people to my way of thinking as I can, and someday…you watch…it will be in the damn dictionary. PJ told me he's told this story before, and the results have been about 50/50 so far. That means that half of the people he's told this to are on my side.

Our numbers grow!


CLAPTER FOR LIFE!

Random Monday Wacky!

Random News Article: I just found this article title funny. I didn't even read it.

Random Soft Porn: A Japanese girl with large assets playing in the local creek...or something.

Random Thought: "If you were to tattoo a vampire with a cross, would it constantly burn?"

Random Item on my Desk: A 3 fluid oz. bottle of Jergens Ultra Healing lotion.

Random Fact About Pickles: Cucumber pickling is almost universally done through a brine fermentation process. Ripe cucumbers are selected, washed and salted thoroughly, and then added to a brine solution for a number of weeks. Vinegar, sugar and spices can be added to the process, depending on the technique used.

Random Memory From Childhood: When I was a child living in Texas, it snowed one day. This was such a rare thing, and I was very excited. I went outside to build a snowman like I had always seen on TV or in the movies. Since the snow didn't really accumulate too much, my snowman was a sort of a half-snow, half-dirt concoction. On top of that, the temperature rose too high that day and so he started to melt about halfway through the process, and began to lean towards the left. Finally, as if the universe were trying to teach me a lesson, a neighborhood dog came running up and tackled my poor snowman...then he peed on it...then he stole my mother's scarf and ran away.

Random Thing Overheard at the Supermarket: "Do we have any sugar at home? Yes, we do, remember? Because we used some on your penis yesterday."

Random Song Stuck in My Head: "The Gift" by Seether

Jedi After-School Special

I had to share this video. Please watch...it could save a young Jedi's life.



Thank you.

The Universe Thinks We Are Crazy

The universe is laughing at us.

Why? Because we are stupid. We are stupid, insecure, frightened monkeys with too much free time and not enough outlets for sexual tension and aggressive behavior. We constantly find new ways to torture ourselves because we are bored, and we come up with different ways to torture each other on a daily basis. Our favorite way to make life difficult for one another is the law.

We love to manipulate the law to our own liking. Anything that can remotely offend a person is illegal…or it’s going to be illegal…or it’s on its way to being illegal right now.

In fact, saying the word “obberpunkz” is probably illegal. I bet the police are coming to get me right now, so I’d better type fast.

Things have gotten so bad in this country in regards to laws and rules and litigious behavior, that people are afraid to take any action in any situation, for fear of doing something wrong. Why should I help that old lady cross the street? She might charge me with assault or something. See that burning building? There’s people inside burning to death. We should call the fire department and not do anything else to help because we might be charged with “invading a scene of danger” or criminal trespassing.

I joke. You laugh…but I’m not too far off the mark.

There are so many rules and so many different ways to manipulate a given situation, that is almost impossible to know with any degree of certainty what is acceptable, and what is not. If you had asked me yesterday if throwing a cup of ice (a paper cup, mind you) at a person would land me in jail for 2 years…I would tell you to go fuck yourself. There is no way that would happen.

How wrong I was.

Woman Sentanced to Two Years For Ice "Missle"

How can a person be sentenced to 2 years in a federal prison for tossing a cup of ice into somebody else’s car? That is a kind of crazy I didn’t know was possible in this world. It sounds like something out of a Nazi training manual.

“Nein! You vill not throw ze ice cup anymore! 2 years in ze prison camp. Schnell!”

Still don't see the crazy? So tell me this. When did this country become so afraid of its own shadow, that doing something such as attempting to help a rape victim is grounds for prison time?

Man Arrested After Mistaking Porn for Rape

Our laws have lost all common sense, and have become out of control.

Did you know, that if a man breaks into your house and tries to stab your children while they sleep…and you catch him in the act and break his arm…he can sue you? Did you also know that he actually has a good chance of winning said lawsuit? Is that justice? I call it insanity on an epic scale. When I hear stuff like that, I try to wake up from the nightmare that is called “real life” because it sucks.

God, the universe, and everything are looking at us and saying, “What a bunch of fucking retards down there. Seriously, check this out. Hey, Pluto! Quit pouting about that plant demotion crap, and get over here! Look at what these morons are doing now! Bring a camera.”

We have got to be the laughing stock of the cosmos, and deservedly so.

Use your common sense. Follow your heart. See the world for the crazy that it is.