Spider War

War.

It was to be war between us from the moment he crossed the threshold into my home. My sanctuary; my place of rest away from the cold cruelty of the world and the harsh light of day. It is my place of Zen and thus cannot be defiled by any creature that is not welcome. There is a balance between the world outside and the calmness within. This stranger chose to ignore the balance and invade my territory. So it was to be war between us, then.

So be it.

I quickly made my way to the laundry room to grab my weapon and extinguish my foe. I wrapped my hand around the cool, aluminum handle and pulled the dusty broom from its place of rest next to the washing machine. Thoughts of soiled clothing quickly entered my mind as I inhaled the smell of detergent and fabric softener.

Nearing the place where I had first discovered the intruder, I slowed my pace and crept lightly over the carpet. Stealth and my trusty broom were my only allies this night, and they would lead me to victory. I crept closer to the beast’s lair in-between the wires behind the entertainment center, hoping for a quick kill.

There he was.

I tightened the grip on my broom weapon and held my breath. I knew I had to be quick with my thrust, and aim true. If I were to miss, the beast would surely scamper away from the deadly end of my weapon and disappear into the tangle of wires once more.

Perhaps I would need assistance. I called to my woman, Jen. The slayer of bugs and cooker of meals would aid me in my hunt tonight to ensure a quick victory. We quickly formulated a plan of action. I would thrust my weapon to the left of the creature, forcing it to scurry to the right in fear and into our trap, where Jen would be waiting with her own weapon of floor cleaning.

I took a breath, and quickly drove the end of the broom handle to the very left of the creature, who jumped aside and scurried quickly to the right to avoid my thrust. Jen’s outstretched mop handle drove downwards quickly, and yet again the creature avoided the blow, this time heading back in the direction it came from, back to me.

I wasn’t ready. I aimed another thrust and missed wildly, and before I could aim another strike, the beast had slipped into the jungle of wires behind the entertainment center.

The beast had eluded us.

Cursing, I quickly began to thrust the broom handle into the tangled web of wires in the hopes that my prey would scurry for cover, and into our midst. He was not fooled by our ruse, and remained hidden in the safety of the wires. We discussed our next move, as we did not want to leave the creature back there to surprise us again at another time. We decided the best course of action would be to pull away the entertainment center from the wall, in the hopes that we would be given an opportunity to strike out against our foe. I pulled the entertainment center away from the wall, and sprang back ready to pounce!

Nothing happened. Shit.

Discouraged, we began to search again, when suddenly a scream from Jen caused me to turn around as I saw the creature scurrying away with such speed and agility I was momentarily stunned. I quickly recovered and chased after the beat as it ran across the living room rug and towards the couch. Wildly stomping my foot, I tried to end his life but he proved too quick for me, and reached the cover of the couch easily.

The little fucker had proven a worthy adversary.

The time had come for action. No more games, I told myself. Time to end this. I took position near the back of the couch, while Jen took position in front, gripping her mop handle firmly between her soft hands. Steeling myself, I raised the couch up from the floor, and the cunning arachnid bounded away from the couch….missing Jen’s thrust by inches…and dove for cover underneath the other sofa.

Cursing again and beginning to lose patience, I went to the back of the second sofa and looked beneath it for any signs of our prey. He sat calmly underneath the couch, near the leftmost edge. I couldn’t hear him breathing, but I knew it must be coming hard with all the running he was doing. Fearing another mistake, I took it upon myself to clear the room from any sources of cover the creature might take. The rug and the end table were moved and I told myself that our clever friend would not elude us much longer.

I told Jen to prepare, and once more lifted the couch off the ground to force our foe from his hiding place, and into our midst. He ran directly for Jen’s feet, causing her to emit a piercing scream of dismay while she blindly and chaotically shoved the mop handle into the ground in an effort to win the day. She was…unsuccessful, and the beast once more scurried underneath the sofa to safety.

Fuck.

Feeling the excitement of the hunt beginning to slip away to be replaced by hopelessness and anger, I did my best to calm my breathing. This was proving to be the most elusive, annoying fucking arachnid I had ever had the displeasure of doing battle with. A worthy foe, indeed.

Gripping my silver broom handle, I again lifted the couch and waited for signs of his approach. Jen cried out she had seen him, but he had ducked back into the couch again. I set down the couch and began to come to the front with her, when I saw out of the corner of my eye, my enemy.

He stood before me.

As he ran towards me, I raised my weapon above my head, and brought it down with a thunderous blow that shook the ground and shattered my weapon into pieces. As the broom head flew to the side from the force of the blow, I saw my foe dodge to the right and head back towards the couch in retreat.

GoddammitmotherfuckingspiderIwilleffingkillyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As the beast scurried towards the safety of the couch once more, I raised my broken weapon again above my head. Screaming my war cry, I brought down the silver bo with a quick, violent slam that caught my opponent mere inches away from the underside of the couch. The force of the thrust caused the creature to fly into the air and back into the middle of the room. Death found him quickly and probably without pain. He landed in a heap on the floor, already curled into the telltale ball that signaled the end of his life and my victory. He remained still.

Victory was mine!!

I erupted into a primal scream of glee and victory as I held aloft my silver spider killer weapon. Broken, bent, and destroyed it may have been…but dishonored, it was not. I dubbed it “Silverstick, the Spider Hammer” and laid it to rest next to the washing machine, where it belonged.

The battle had ended. My foe defeated.

The war was over.