Thou Shalt Not Kill

I consider myself to be a good, moral person. I pay my taxes, I break for pedestrians, and I don't push down old people to make myself laugh. I am attentive to other people's feelings, I am not a fan of racist jokes, and the only game I cheat at, is strip poker. So, even though I consider myself to be a good person, I find myself constantly leaning towards the dark side as I drive to work, every morning.

“Hey! What the hell? I can’t believe you just forced your way into my lane! Thanks for the signal, you asshole!”

Usually, I obey Judeo-Christian ethics, including the 6th Commandment…but when I’m driving to work in that morning rush-hour traffic, with these idiots who normally aren’t qualified to open a shoe box...I tend to lean towards the nasty. I envision them hitting the curb, rolling their cars over like dice, erupting in flames, and blowing parts of themselves all over the street. I wonder what would really happen, if I had a loaded gun in the car with me, at all times? I curse and yell, and feel the wrath grow within me; threatening to take over my senses until the darkness prevails.

“Oh, sure! SLOW DOWN, NOW THAT I’M BEHIND YOU! That’s fucking wonderful. Why are you going so slow, anyway? Ah…you’re talking on your phone. Fan-freaking-tastic. I hope it’s an important call, you sonofabitch!”

Most of the time, I try to keep myself calm during rush hour. I try to remind myself, that it’s just traffic…and that everybody else is in the same hurry to get to work, that I am. They are most likely good people, as I am. They have just been placed into a stressful situation, and are reacting accordingly. Then, as I’m thinking this, some jackass almost hits my front end because he’s being a stupid middle-class “I’m 45, so I don’t have to yield because I’ve been driving for 27 years” piece of crap, and suddenly I feel the urge to rip out his lungs, and slap his wife to death with them. I don’t even know if that goomba* has a wife; but if he does, she deserves to die for having sex with such an idiot.

“I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU BASTARD! YEAH, I’M TALKING TO YOU! OMG I WILL PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE! GET BACK HERE! DON’T YOU DRIVE AWAY FROM ME! ARRRRRGHH!”

My favorite morning drivers to hate, are the Sunday-drivers. You know…the people who drive to work, as if they were on the way to church? Not a care in the world, taking all the time they need…no rush. You can almost see the little blue cartoon birdies circling around their head, as they whistle to themselves. You know those people. I hate them, most of all. Sometimes I think about how great it would be, to grab one of those people and duct-tape them to my front seat. Then, I would drive around REALLY fast and dangerous, and scare their soul, right out of them. Then of course, I would take them home and cook their lifeless body over the grill and feed them to their family at Christmas.

“I’M HONKING MY HORN AT YOU BECAUSE YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON! I’LL FUCKING KILL YOU! YEAH, YOU! YOU WANNA PULL OVER? I’LL KNOCK YOUR GODDAMM TEETH OUT, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! WATCH THE ROAD!”

I really, really hate driving to work in the mornings…and driving home from work, now that I think about it. I guess I just hate rush hour driving, it all its forms. I hate how stupid people can become, once they get behind the wheel. I think of that old guy who drove over all of those people and killed them, and then basically gets a “be more careful next time” from the judge. WTF? When did it become ok to kill mass amounts of people? I could have sworn…yes, I’m sure I read this somewhere…that killing people was BAD. These kind of people get into their car everyday, and put other drivers around them in mortal danger because of their lack of reflexes and their inability to break/accelerate at the opportune moment. Either that, or they're just assholes who don't give a crap about anybody around them, which is just as bad. Wankers.

Pisses me off. I’m glad I’m at work, where I’m safe…safe from going to jail for killing one of these friggin’ idiots.





*It has come to my attention, that the word “goomba” can also refer to a derogatory term for an Italian-American. This was NOT the usage I was implying; I was going for the small, mushroom villains from the Super Mario Bros. video game.